Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live. This is a conversation between Leslie and her daughter, Dale. It focuses on the topic of raising a responsible child versus an obedient child. We all want children who listen to us. But it's not as simple as telling our children what to do, and expecting them to do it. In today’s conversation, Leslie will help us define the difference between these two ideas. Dale and Leslie explore these ideas in her childhood and reflect on the value of these principles in her adult life

Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today’s guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Time Stamps
4:08 The dangerous side of raising an obedient child that you don’t always think about.

4:48 Raising a responsible child means raising a “thinking child”

5:55 Using the line “I see that you are practicing being a teenager” when teens talk back to their parents

7:30 Powering over your child vs giving your child “personal power”

9:42 Engage your child in the process of chores to increase and motivation cooperation

10:30 the importance of giving children choices and loosening the reins to allow for more freedom and autonomy in their daily responsibilities.

11:22 Leslie Cohen-Rubury suggests giving children more risks to take to make them feel capable and confident, which leads to increased cooperation.

15:10 In order to foster cooperation, let your child take more risks. More capable more confident which leads to be more cooperative

20:55 Balancing limits for the child and respect for the child

23:45 Complaining is a secondary problem to doing the chore. Instead MAINTAIN YOUR FOCUS on what you are asking your child to do.

24:50 Use the paradoxical statement “It looks like you need more practice doing the dishes” when your child is complaining.

27:25 Raising an obedient child means you may end up with a selfish child who uses victim language

27:55 Raising an obedient child ends up feeling smaller vs raising a responsible child helps to empower the child

29:00 How power struggles develop between parent and child

32:22 Are you coddling your child? Do you think you are giving in to your child?

37:25 What it sounds like when you as the parent start defending yourself

37:55 Brief description of the DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) skill of check the facts

38:43 One interpretation of when your teen questions adults is to be grateful that you are raising a “thinking” individual

Show Links:

• Handout of comparing Raising A Responsible Child Versus Raising An Obedient Child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Raising responsible children who think for themselves is more important

Exposure to books makes a big difference for children. Reading not only fosters cognitive and emotional development but also builds closeness and routines. This week, Leslie spoke to author Deborah Farmer Kris about her experience as a teacher and parent, highlighting the unique needs of each child and the intellectual and emotional challenges of parenting. Kris also promotes the use of public libraries and simple, consistent reading routines. Kris's books, including those in the "All the Time" series, aim to teach emotional literacy and provide caregiver tips. She stresses that being a stable, caring adult is crucial for a child's resilience and well-being.

About our guest: Deborah Farmer Kris is a parent educator, journalist, and children’s book author. Deborah has written for CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. She is an advisor for the PBS KIDS show “Carl the Collector,” and is wrapping up edits on a parenting book, called “Raising Awe Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Can Help Our Kids Thrive.” She also founded the parenting website Parenthood365
Time Stamps

9:50 Cascading benefits of reading aloud- many cognitive benefits

12:15 Building memories, building routines

13:50 Creating a literacy rich environment

• Developing a context for understanding the world around you
• Building routine establishes a sense of groundedness

15:13 Libraries are under utilized which are free and public

19:20 Creative ways to bring books into the lives of children

22:40 Comprehension is higher than one’s ability to read

25:50 Books can teach emotional literacy

30:43 “I notice....” is a phrase you can use to open the door to communication

33: 20 Books have a therapeutic effect on children and adults alike

• Using children’s books to teach therapeutic concepts. For example “Quick as a Cricket” teaches about our many parts and a dialectic perspective

36:07 Harvard ‘s research study on resilience in children found that it boils down to one factor: the presence of one stable, caring adult in their life.

Resources:

• To Learn more about Deborah Farmer Kris visit her Parenthood 365 Website
• Click here to get Deborah Farmer Kris’ fabulous books for emotional literacy
• Leslie List of Children's Book for Developing Emotional Literacy
• A Video made by Leslie about How to use Books as Conversation Starters
• Harvard University: The Center for the Developing Child’s Research on Resilience

Leslie-ism: Try to find 10 minutes a day to read to your child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-R

Sometimes parenting is so hard and exhausting, it doesn't feel worth it. In today’s session, Pedro and Claudia explain how much energy and effort they have spent trying to raise their 16 yr old teenage son Liam who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. While supportive, Pedro and Claudia are met with resistance at every turn, and have yet to see results from their parenting. Is that an assumption or is that really true? In this episode, Leslie checks the facts, unpacks the fear and frustration, and addresses these issues with an upbeat and hopeful shift in perspective as well as practical strategies to try.

Time Stamps

4:35 What is your definition of being a good parent - getting the results from your child

5:09 Growing up with the culture of the “village” when raising a child and the support that comes with that

7:15 Feeling isolated when friends have neurotypical kids and you have a neurodivergent kid

8:45 Myths or limiting beliefs: We don’t want to burden other people with our problems

14:05 It’s more challenging dealing with a teen with diagnoses than with a toddler with diagnoses

16:00 Remember to see your child’s strengths in order to get a whole picture

16:55 Wanting your child to achieve their potential can be a great deal of pressure for both parents and teens

21:00 Raising your child with Values creates a solid foundation

21:30 The frustration and fear of raising the teenager when you are getting the results you expect

28:58 Fear impacts your parenting mindset and perspective. Where would you be without the expectations? Fear feeds frustration which feeds feeling like a failure

29:50 What behaviors are due to his diagnoses vs what’s developmental and age appropriate (see show notes for a handout)

31:00 Toddlers and teenagers have a lot in common. Learning to individuate and differentiate from their parents. This is when they practice saying NO to use their voice

32:25 The value of empathy that is expressed even after the situation

33:08 Give your child the problem and let them solve it rather than telling your child what to do. Teach your child to find a synthesis when problem solving

38:30 The quality of being strong-willed and the behavior of getting the last word - relates to the child who has a single track mind

40:00 Save your Breath and listen twice as much as you talk

41:50 Turn the volume down on your passion for raising your son

42:55 Your parenting effort IS working. Have faith in the process. It takes patience

44:45 Finding your “Passion” or living to your “potential” are dirty words because they put pressure on you and your child

Resources:

• Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
• Poem On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Leslie-ism: Save your breath when parenting, listen twice as much as you talk

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié,

Making requests, saying no, and having hard conversations is part of all relationships. And it's rather easy to see how common misunderstandings and conflict ensues in our interpersonal relationships. That's because we are not born with accurate and effective communications skills. This mini bonus episode is about learning and practicing the DBT skill called DEAR MAN. This is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper where they give an in-depth description of what the skill is and then how to put it into practice.

Time Stamps

1:41 DEAR MAN GIVE FAST is the DBT acronym to help us communicate accurately and more effectively

• DEAR MAN - The goal is to get your objective met
• GIVE Skills - The goal is about tending to the relationship
• FAST Skills - The goal is to focus on your self-respect

4:51 DEARMAN skill described in detail

• 4:51 D = Describe the facts - the who, what, when and where
• 5:35 E = Express your feelings
• 5:55 A = Ask for what you want - make your request
• 7:03 R = Reinforce what’s in it for the other person
• 7:55 M = Maintain your focus
• 8:28 A = Appear confident
• 8:32 N = Negotiate if necessary -sometimes you have to give a little to get what you want

6:40 Using the skill helps you stay in wise mind

9:32 Role play not using the DEAR MAN skill

11:29 Role play using the DEAR MAN skill

14:38 Timing is an important factor when having difficult conversation

15:10 Using time limits on having conversation is often very effective

16:52 When to use DEAR MAN

19:00 Write it down and practice it over and over again

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout on DEAR MAN DBT Skill based on example in the bonus episode and worksheet for practice

DEARMAN How to communicate Assertively - DBT-RU

DBT Skill: The Most Effective Way to Make a Request by Sunrise Treatment Center

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today is the first of three sessions with Emma who is a mom of 4 children in a blended family. Henelly, her 7 year old daughter is from her first marriage. Emma and her second husband have 3 year old twins, Grayson and Claire and a new baby, Olivia. Emma reached out for therapy concerned that Henelly is manipulating her. Parents may often feel this way but it's a serious accusation. Leslie unpacks that word and explores how Emma’s past experiences are influencing the way she interprets her child’s communication style. And there’s more to this episode which includes when parents feel helpless, when kids give voice to the fighting refrain - “it’s mine, no, it’s mine” and those seldom-working promises that you make with your children.
Time Stamps

• 4:30 Reframing the word manipulation - children are designed to get their needs.
• 7:10 Varying communication skills - nonverbal to indirect to direct
• 9:58 Examples of dialectic dilemmas - clearly articulate the dilemma
• 13:00 Reinforce the behavior you want more of.
• 15:15 The continuum of nonverbal to indirect to direct
• 21:20. The parent trap of promises
• 22:43 Use the phrase “what's going to happen when....”
• 25:00 How to give your child some healthy ways to be in "control"
• 28:00 Reasons why children take on the role of parenting
• 25;45 The feeling of being trapped is a terrible feeling. The antidote is identifying some options.
• 35:25 The unintended consequences of possessiveness of toys and finding a balance between mine and ours

Resources:

• DBT Handout on levels of intensity for making a request
• Video on Levels of intensity for making a request

Leslie-ism: Fostering effective communication means learning to speak your child’s language.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.