Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Today’s episode marks the third and final session with Emma, mother of four in a blended family who relies on parenting strategies of the past. But things change, and we may also need to change the way we raise our children. Leslie continues to explore Emma’s family patterns from her past, myths about parenting and fears that are so much a part of raising children. In this session, Leslie offers alternative strategies to the traditional punishments that parents so often rely on. Once again Leslie redefines how we understand misbehavior and more specifically how we look at “punishment”. Does taking things away and giving out time outs actually work? Or is there a more effective way?

Time Stamps

• 4:40 Myth: Parents have to fix their children’s problems
• 4:56 Being a calm authority and pillar of support
• 5:55 Validation has the power to make children feel heard and they stop repeating themselves
• 12:15 Be responsible for your own panic
• 12:31 Some people need more time to process (their feelings, instructions, or a situation)
• 15:35 Take a step, take a beat, and see if the step works. If not, go back
• 20:20 Leslie’s class: Making the Punishment Fit the Crime
• 21:39 Class name was intentionally provocative, because punishment doesn’t work
• 22:58 It is not a crime for your child to misbehave
• 23:20 Misbehavior is not a crime, it’s a learning experience and a form of communication
• 29:30 Punishment creates shame (and abandonment) in the child
• 30:24 An alternative to time out: take space, time in, staying connected
• 31:20-35:30 Tool box for dealing with misbehavior
  • What does it communicate
  • Let it go
  • Validate, validate, validate
  • Problem solve (finding other options)
  • Conflict resolution steps
  • Observe and describe what’s happening
  • Do Nothing is an option
• 32:18 Principles of reinforcement
• 35:30 Let’s not throw away “time out,” let’s transform it into “do you need some space”

Resources:

• Miles Davis quote: “It’s not the note you play that’s the wrong note – it’s the note you play afterwards that makes it right or wrong.”
• Leslie’s newsletter: The Art of Healthy Neglect

Leslie-ism: People including kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have at the current time.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

In this episode, Leslie and special guest Jen Sims, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist, talk about the importance of play. Jen explains that play is the language of children, allowing them to express emotions and experiences. She specializes in Non-directive Play Therapy, which involves creating an environment where children can fully engage in play without feeling hurried. Jen emphasizes the principles of empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard, and discusses how play therapy can help children heal from trauma, behavioral issues, and other challenges.

Time Stamps

2:06 Play is the story that kids are writing about themselves

2:25 Definition of Play Therapy and the kinds of therapy

3:35 Reasons why children may go to therapy

5:47 Carl Rogers A person centered therapist: 3 tenets of his therapy

• Empathy
• Congruence
• Unconditional Positive Regard

5:55 Virginia Axline developed Non-Directive Play Therapy - 8 principles (see show notes for more formal list)

6:35 Definition of Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean I love your behavior..it means I love you

7:45 Explaining the non-directive part of non-directive play therapy

8:20 Trust the child to move towards healing

10:45 Mirroring and attunement is something parents can also do at home to enrich and depend their relationship with their child

12:35 Children play in themes

15:35 Description of Fiial Play Therapy that parents can do it at home

17:15 Explaining the process of attunement

20:44 Setting limits around safety and other things requires consistency

22:59 Both Parents and children need empathy to feel understood

25:31 AutPlay is play therapy specifically designed for Neurodivergent kids

28:37 Jen’s advice for parents -

31:35 We can trust children to lead the way with creative solutions towards their own healing

Resources:

Video of Play as a form of communication

Jen Sims Website at the Redwood Center for Children And Families

Jen Sims Instagram

Article on Non-directive Play Therapy and The Underlying Principles by Cognitive Behavioral Play Therapy

Filial Play Therapy

AutPlay Therapy Resources

Registration for Leslie’s NEABPD Webinar on “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What Is It and What To Do About IT

Leslie-ism: Set aside 20 minutes to let your child lead the way in play

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and

Leslie delves into one of the most common challenges parents face: how to navigate a strong-willed child who doesn’t do what you want them to do, This is first session with Louise and George who have a 6 year old daughter Anna and a newborn baby. They bring to light the frustration many parents feel when their child refuses to do simple tasks, like brushing teeth or following a bedtime routine. And it is understandable when the frustration leads to the feeling that parenting is like a slog. This episode also focuses on the different parenting styles and how that might be impacting their child’s behavior.
Time Stamps

6:35 Start with Compassion for yourself as a parent since this job is really hard
10:05 Mirror Neurons Children pick up on what the parent is feeling and visa versa
10:40 Patience is needed for when seeking changes in behavior
14:13 Strategies for stepping into a conflict between parent and child

• Be a reporter and name what is happening - give information to others
• Do nothing
• Bait them with “I think you have something very important to say”
• Connect with your child especially when they are pushing you away with their behavior “I am here and I want to hear you”
• “Hitting is working for you but its not working for me”
• Shape the behavior
  • hitting—->yelling
  • yelling—--> using a talking voice

20:35 Yetzer Hara and Yetzer Tov - two ideas from Wendy Mogel’s book The Blessing of A Skinned Knee
23:35 Engage the child in “a plan” in order to problem solve challenging behaviors such as brushing her teeth
27:05 The theme of connection and how important that connection is
27:43 Getting at the root cause using the phrase “you must have a very good reason for (not brushing your teeth) or whatever the behavior is.
29:50 Communication is more than just the words: 70% of communication is nonverbal. Your child is responding to your tone, gestures and facial expressions.
33:10 Ask yourself how can parents have fun at the job of parenting
37:07 Connect first and then ask for the cooperation

Resources::

• Wendy Mogel’s Book: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Connection is the foundation for cooperation.

This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live. This is a conversation between Leslie and her daughter, Dale. It focuses on the topic of raising a responsible child versus an obedient child. We all want children who listen to us. But it's not as simple as telling our children what to do, and expecting them to do it. In today’s conversation, Leslie will help us define the difference between these two ideas. Dale and Leslie explore these ideas in her childhood and reflect on the value of these principles in her adult life

Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today’s guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Time Stamps
4:08 The dangerous side of raising an obedient child that you don’t always think about.

4:48 Raising a responsible child means raising a “thinking child”

5:55 Using the line “I see that you are practicing being a teenager” when teens talk back to their parents

7:30 Powering over your child vs giving your child “personal power”

9:42 Engage your child in the process of chores to increase and motivation cooperation

10:30 the importance of giving children choices and loosening the reins to allow for more freedom and autonomy in their daily responsibilities.

11:22 Leslie Cohen-Rubury suggests giving children more risks to take to make them feel capable and confident, which leads to increased cooperation.

15:10 In order to foster cooperation, let your child take more risks. More capable more confident which leads to be more cooperative

20:55 Balancing limits for the child and respect for the child

23:45 Complaining is a secondary problem to doing the chore. Instead MAINTAIN YOUR FOCUS on what you are asking your child to do.

24:50 Use the paradoxical statement “It looks like you need more practice doing the dishes” when your child is complaining.

27:25 Raising an obedient child means you may end up with a selfish child who uses victim language

27:55 Raising an obedient child ends up feeling smaller vs raising a responsible child helps to empower the child

29:00 How power struggles develop between parent and child

32:22 Are you coddling your child? Do you think you are giving in to your child?

37:25 What it sounds like when you as the parent start defending yourself

37:55 Brief description of the DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) skill of check the facts

38:43 One interpretation of when your teen questions adults is to be grateful that you are raising a “thinking” individual

Show Links:

• Handout of comparing Raising A Responsible Child Versus Raising An Obedient Child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Raising responsible children who think for themselves is more important

Sometimes parenting is so hard and exhausting, it doesn't feel worth it. In today’s session, Pedro and Claudia explain how much energy and effort they have spent trying to raise their 16 yr old teenage son Liam who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. While supportive, Pedro and Claudia are met with resistance at every turn, and have yet to see results from their parenting. Is that an assumption or is that really true? In this episode, Leslie checks the facts, unpacks the fear and frustration, and addresses these issues with an upbeat and hopeful shift in perspective as well as practical strategies to try.

Time Stamps

4:35 What is your definition of being a good parent - getting the results from your child

5:09 Growing up with the culture of the “village” when raising a child and the support that comes with that

7:15 Feeling isolated when friends have neurotypical kids and you have a neurodivergent kid

8:45 Myths or limiting beliefs: We don’t want to burden other people with our problems

14:05 It’s more challenging dealing with a teen with diagnoses than with a toddler with diagnoses

16:00 Remember to see your child’s strengths in order to get a whole picture

16:55 Wanting your child to achieve their potential can be a great deal of pressure for both parents and teens

21:00 Raising your child with Values creates a solid foundation

21:30 The frustration and fear of raising the teenager when you are getting the results you expect

28:58 Fear impacts your parenting mindset and perspective. Where would you be without the expectations? Fear feeds frustration which feeds feeling like a failure

29:50 What behaviors are due to his diagnoses vs what’s developmental and age appropriate (see show notes for a handout)

31:00 Toddlers and teenagers have a lot in common. Learning to individuate and differentiate from their parents. This is when they practice saying NO to use their voice

32:25 The value of empathy that is expressed even after the situation

33:08 Give your child the problem and let them solve it rather than telling your child what to do. Teach your child to find a synthesis when problem solving

38:30 The quality of being strong-willed and the behavior of getting the last word - relates to the child who has a single track mind

40:00 Save your Breath and listen twice as much as you talk

41:50 Turn the volume down on your passion for raising your son

42:55 Your parenting effort IS working. Have faith in the process. It takes patience

44:45 Finding your “Passion” or living to your “potential” are dirty words because they put pressure on you and your child

Resources:

• Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
• Poem On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Leslie-ism: Save your breath when parenting, listen twice as much as you talk

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié,