Pedro & Claudia: Part 1 of 3: Fear and Frustration when Parenting your Teen
08/13/24 • 49 min
Sometimes parenting is so hard and exhausting, it doesn't feel worth it. In today’s session, Pedro and Claudia explain how much energy and effort they have spent trying to raise their 16 yr old teenage son Liam who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. While supportive, Pedro and Claudia are met with resistance at every turn, and have yet to see results from their parenting. Is that an assumption or is that really true? In this episode, Leslie checks the facts, unpacks the fear and frustration, and addresses these issues with an upbeat and hopeful shift in perspective as well as practical strategies to try.
Time Stamps
4:35 What is your definition of being a good parent - getting the results from your child
5:09 Growing up with the culture of the “village” when raising a child and the support that comes with that
7:15 Feeling isolated when friends have neurotypical kids and you have a neurodivergent kid
8:45 Myths or limiting beliefs: We don’t want to burden other people with our problems
14:05 It’s more challenging dealing with a teen with diagnoses than with a toddler with diagnoses
16:00 Remember to see your child’s strengths in order to get a whole picture
16:55 Wanting your child to achieve their potential can be a great deal of pressure for both parents and teens
21:00 Raising your child with Values creates a solid foundation
21:30 The frustration and fear of raising the teenager when you are getting the results you expect
28:58 Fear impacts your parenting mindset and perspective. Where would you be without the expectations? Fear feeds frustration which feeds feeling like a failure
29:50 What behaviors are due to his diagnoses vs what’s developmental and age appropriate (see show notes for a handout)
31:00 Toddlers and teenagers have a lot in common. Learning to individuate and differentiate from their parents. This is when they practice saying NO to use their voice
32:25 The value of empathy that is expressed even after the situation
33:08 Give your child the problem and let them solve it rather than telling your child what to do. Teach your child to find a synthesis when problem solving
38:30 The quality of being strong-willed and the behavior of getting the last word - relates to the child who has a single track mind
40:00 Save your Breath and listen twice as much as you talk
41:50 Turn the volume down on your passion for raising your son
42:55 Your parenting effort IS working. Have faith in the process. It takes patience
44:45 Finding your “Passion” or living to your “potential” are dirty words because they put pressure on you and your child
Resources:
- Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
- Poem On Children by Kahlil Gibran
Leslie-ism: Save your breath when parenting, listen twice as much as you talk
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié,
Sometimes parenting is so hard and exhausting, it doesn't feel worth it. In today’s session, Pedro and Claudia explain how much energy and effort they have spent trying to raise their 16 yr old teenage son Liam who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. While supportive, Pedro and Claudia are met with resistance at every turn, and have yet to see results from their parenting. Is that an assumption or is that really true? In this episode, Leslie checks the facts, unpacks the fear and frustration, and addresses these issues with an upbeat and hopeful shift in perspective as well as practical strategies to try.
Time Stamps
4:35 What is your definition of being a good parent - getting the results from your child
5:09 Growing up with the culture of the “village” when raising a child and the support that comes with that
7:15 Feeling isolated when friends have neurotypical kids and you have a neurodivergent kid
8:45 Myths or limiting beliefs: We don’t want to burden other people with our problems
14:05 It’s more challenging dealing with a teen with diagnoses than with a toddler with diagnoses
16:00 Remember to see your child’s strengths in order to get a whole picture
16:55 Wanting your child to achieve their potential can be a great deal of pressure for both parents and teens
21:00 Raising your child with Values creates a solid foundation
21:30 The frustration and fear of raising the teenager when you are getting the results you expect
28:58 Fear impacts your parenting mindset and perspective. Where would you be without the expectations? Fear feeds frustration which feeds feeling like a failure
29:50 What behaviors are due to his diagnoses vs what’s developmental and age appropriate (see show notes for a handout)
31:00 Toddlers and teenagers have a lot in common. Learning to individuate and differentiate from their parents. This is when they practice saying NO to use their voice
32:25 The value of empathy that is expressed even after the situation
33:08 Give your child the problem and let them solve it rather than telling your child what to do. Teach your child to find a synthesis when problem solving
38:30 The quality of being strong-willed and the behavior of getting the last word - relates to the child who has a single track mind
40:00 Save your Breath and listen twice as much as you talk
41:50 Turn the volume down on your passion for raising your son
42:55 Your parenting effort IS working. Have faith in the process. It takes patience
44:45 Finding your “Passion” or living to your “potential” are dirty words because they put pressure on you and your child
Resources:
- Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
- Poem On Children by Kahlil Gibran
Leslie-ism: Save your breath when parenting, listen twice as much as you talk
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié,
Previous Episode
The Life of a Rule Follower with Guest Dale Rubury
“How can my child be a rule follower if they always say no to the family rules?” Leslie often catches parents off guard by suggesting that their child may actually be a rule follower. In this episode, Leslie has a conversation with her daughter Dale about what it’s like to grow up as a rule follower. In this episode Leslie and Dale explore the many traits that are often associated with the rule-following child such as perfectionism and intense focus on fairness. Assessing whether you or your child is a rule-follower may not be so obvious but may be critically important to understanding their behavior and ways of thinking. This conversation pulls back the curtain on what really goes on in the mind of the rule-following child.
Time Stamps
- 2:40 The importance of knowing your child and knowing what it means to be a rule follower
- 3:37 What “rule-followers” get out of following the rules
- 10:07 Being careful not to reinforce the child’s need to do everything perfectly
- 10:36 Helping your children practice being uncomfortable
- 17:56 The need for flexible thinking
- 26:12 Keep an eye out for when a child has an obsession with fairness
- 29:12 Advice for parents who have children who are rigid rule followers
Show Note Links:
- Free virtual Q&A with Leslie August 21st, 8 PM EST
- “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol Dweck
Leslie-ism: Flexible thinking takes practice.
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.
Next Episode
Pedro & Claudia Part 2 of 3: When Panic Attacks Disrupt the Whole Family
Anxiety attacks are not something we ever want to see our kids suffer through, especially if as parents we suffer them as well. In her second session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores panic attacks and how they might differ from parent and child. The session also takes a turn towards the idea of “having the last word,” and what negative things are being reinforced when you continue to have this power struggle with your child.
Time Stamps
- 4:58 How panic attacks affect the whole family in different and unique ways
- Symptoms of panic attacks in a child vs parent
- The hangover of the panic attack
- The role of a person whose partner is suffering a panic attack
- 10:22 The difference between guilt and shame
- 12:23 Feelings come and feelings go
- 13:13 Definition of panic attack.
- 15:18 Self talk skills help you when having a panic attack. Use these phrases:
- “I am safe. I am capable.”
- “Feelings come and feelings go” “This too shall pass”
- 17:00 Understand the cause of panic attacks
- 17:13 Develop skills before during and after panic attacks
- 19:23 Sympathetic versus parasympathetic nervous system
- 20:48 T.I.P.P.Skills to use to calm down the nervous system:
- The divers reflex Skill
- Intense exercise Skill
- Paced breathing Skill
- 27:35 Finding the middle path between acceptance and change —
- 28:45 When parents practice doing less as an antidote to overparenting
- 32:12 Kids and parents who want the last word - a power struggle
- 32:20 Discuss the skills you are using with your child and even with the school so everyone is on the same page
- 35:00 When having the last word works
- 36:22 Why parents engage in the power struggle of wanting the last word
- 38:12 Have faith that what you say “registers somewhere”
- 39:30 Parents have to remember that you don’t have to prove your own sense of personal authority without getting the last word
- 40:10 Reframing where the control lies. You want to have control over your own emotions
- 40:38 Overparenting is a strategy when parents are being controlled by their fears
Show Note Links:
NIH Research Article on Panic Disorder and Best Practices
TIPP Skills including a Video of Divers reflex skill
Leslie Demonstrates How to use the Diver Reflex Skill on Video
New York Times Article about Inside Out 2
Leslie-ism: When you feel panic coming on, tell yourself, “I am safe and I am capable”.
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and
Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast - Pedro & Claudia: Part 1 of 3: Fear and Frustration when Parenting your Teen
Transcript
[Music: The Wilds Beyond by L-Ray Music]
0:02 Claudia: Did I spoil this kid to the point of no return? And then that's the fear. What if we are looking at a kid that really cannot function as a model adult out there?
0:21 Leslie Cohen-Rubury: When you have a teenager who is approaching adulthood, you can really begin to panic. How could this kid, who still argues with Mo
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