Molly & Alastair Part 3 of 4: When your Co-Parent Steps in to Help

04/09/24 • 32 min

Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Today’s episode is the third session with Molly and Alastair where things take a turn inward. Molly and Alastair first contacted Leslie to get help with their two daughters, 8 year old Elizabeth and 4 year old Catherine but in the process began to face their own struggles with their belief systems and expectations. In addition, in this session Molly and Alastair face the complexities of family communication and interactions. This episode throws a spotlight on the delicate dance of respecting different parenting styles. Leslie shares strategies to increase effective communication in their relationship. In this heart-to-heart conversation you are bound to feel a shift in their perspective and possibly a shift in your own perspective as well.

Time Stamps

3:00 When the parents “gives more” the child ends up cooperating more
4:30 Connection = mutual respect = trust
5:03 Refocusing from the “end goal” to the present moment
5:17 Children remind us to be in the present moment
6:50 As a parent your battery gets worn down
- Worry and stress about kids getting along
- Desire to do things right causes us stress
9:50 Parents avoidance to letting the child get upset
11:30 Generational myth to make sure everyone is happy
11:50 Kids relax when parents aren’t constantly trying to fix them.
12:30 Parents are learning to get used to when the kids are upset with each other or with you.
13:25 When the second parent steps in to the interaction between a parent and a child. Ways to step in:
- You can say “Is that working for you”
- come in with a neutral non-judgmental stance
- You can say “I notice there is a bit of a struggle”
- You can say “Can I be of help to either of you?”
19:30 Doing things the right way and letting go of wanting to be right
21:08 Find the positive intention of another person’s behavior
26:05 Accurate communication: Put words to those chaotic moments - Narrate it
- One minute check in
- Expect and accept the bumps and rough spots in parenting
- Molly’s idea of naming the “unicorn parent” who is the parent on point

Resources:

Leslie-ism: When you want to step in, pause and ask your partner, “is there anything I can do to help?”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Time Stamps

3:00 When the parents “gives more” the child ends up cooperating more
4:30 Connection = mutual respect = trust
5:03 Refocusing from the “end goal” to the present moment
5:17 Children remind us to be in the present moment
6:50 As a parent your battery gets worn down
- Worry and stress about kids getting along
- Desire to do things right causes us stress
9:50 Parents avoidance to letting the child get upset
11:30 Generational myth to make sure everyone is happy
11:50 Kids relax when parents aren’t constantly trying to fix them.
12:30 Parents are learning to get used to when the kids are upset with each other or with you.
13:25 When the second parent steps in to the interaction between a parent and a child. Ways to step in:
- You can say “Is that working for you”
- come in with a neutral non-judgmental stance
- You can say “I notice there is a bit of a struggle”
- You can say “Can I be of help to either of you?”
19:30 Doing things the right way and letting go of wanting to be right
21:08 Find the positive intention of another person’s behavior
26:05 Accurate communication: Put words to those chaotic moments - Narrate it
- One minute check in
- Expect and accept the bumps and rough spots in parenting
- Molly’s idea of naming the “unicorn parent” who is the parent on point

Resources:

Leslie-ism: When you want to step in, pause and ask your partner, “is there anything I can do to help?”

Previous Episode

Molly & Alastair Part 2 of 4: When you’re in a Power Struggle with your Kids

This episode is part two of three sessions with parents Molly and Alastair. Last week Leslie focused on the sibling dynamics between their daughters, 8-year-old Elizabeth and 4-year-old Katherine. This week we focus on a different kind of dynamic: the power struggle. In the fight for power between child and parent, Leslie offers an alternative: stop struggling for power and put an end to the power struggles. In this episode Leslie discusses identifying the problem behind the struggle, what the problem really is, whose problem is it, and learning to ask: can we try that again?

Time Stamps:

5:02 Whose problem is it? Is it the child’s problem or is it the parent’s problem
7:07 Definition of power struggle
8:15 What happens if the parent give in
9:52 Example of sibling rivalry and how parents reinforce the escalation
Strategies to deal with power struggles
- 12:02 Say that you need a moment (to get into wise mind)
- 12:39 Engage your child in the problem solving process
- 12:54 Do a pros and cons
- 13:34 Notice and name what’s going on
- 14:12 Use the phrase “try it again”
15:20 How to give the problem back to your child
19:39 Go below the surface - Restate child’s blaming statement into naming the underlying emotion
23:10 Parenting using “try it again” between the parents
27:31 If I had the superpower of mindreading - add levity to a situation and tapping into your child’s imagination
27:40 Mindreading is known as a problematic thinking problem
28:23 Again - give the problem back to your child
30:05 Stop and acknowledge when your child gets through a struggle - reinforce that they did it!!
32:21 How to gain some distance and perspective on past experiences so you don’t end up re-experiencing
35:20 Naming the dialectic dilemma and identifying priorities
36:10 Understanding how to find a synthesis as a solution to a dialectic dilemma

Resources:

Handout titled: Whose Problem is it?
Handout on choosing between power over, power under and personal power belief system

Leslie-ism: When you don’t like a Child’s response use the phrase “Try Again”

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Next Episode

Molly & Alastair Part 4 of 4: When Everyone in the Family has a little bit of Anxiety

This is the second half of the final session with Molly and Alastair. Their kids, Katherine (4) and Elizabeth (8), are benefitting from the changes that their parents are making at home. As parents we want quick behavior fixes, but let’s not underestimate the power and impact that modeling behavior has on children. Molly and Alastair are no different. Leslie’s focus on the parents helped them realize that anxiety exists in the family—from the grandparents, to the parents, to the children themselves. Together, they face these generational patterns head-on. It’s often surprising how anxiety can fly under the radar for everyone in a family, but it’s a significant factor in raising kids, so how can we better identify it and, more importantly, learn to manage it.

Time Stamps

5:25 Myth are mistaken beliefs that we may have learns from childhood or society
- It’s not ok to experience the natural consequences because its too painful
- It’s my responsibility to make sure everything goes “right”
- If something goes wrong, someone is going to be blamed. It has to be someone’s fault
- It’s your job to make sure everyone has to be happy
7:03 Generational anxiety - stop the cycle
7:55 Dichotomous thinking of seeing things as right or wrong, good or bad.
- Use the phrase: That’s your version, this is my version.
10:20 Find another interpretation skill - to teach that there are other perspectives
11:15 Molly added the expression: Don’t yuk someone else’s yum
14:55 Wanting everything to go right is a way of expressing anxiety
16:10 Compassion is an effective way of dealing with one’s anxiety
18:10 Preparing our children to handle the uncomfortable situations (see The coping skills toolbox for Anxiety in show notes below)
19:50 Various ways that Anxiety presents itself
- Suppress it, avoid, procrastinate, go into a hole
- Get into a frenzy, ruminating, making sure everything is “right"
21:55 Modeling for your children
willingness to be vulnerable and willingness to be uncomfortable.
Choose your long term value as a guide for the dialectic dilemmas

Resources:

Handout on The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
Video of The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
Handout on When Being Right is not Effective: How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.
Dialectic Behavior Therapy Handouts:
- Myths that get in the way of Interpersonal Effectiveness
- Myths about Emotions

Leslie-ism: Teach different perspectives by saying, “that's your version and this is my version”.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and

Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast - Molly & Alastair Part 3 of 4: When your Co-Parent Steps in to Help

Transcript

This transcript is 95% complete. It will be completed in the next few days.
[Music: The Wilds Beyond by L-Ray Music]

0:03 Molly: I feel like he feels, like probably like: you're being watched and judged a little bit. I think that doesn't make it easier for him to focus on the interaction he's actually having with the kid.

0:22 Leslie: This is s My Child A Monster?