Emma Part 3 out of 3: When your Kid Misbehaves

06/11/24 • 42 min

Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Today’s episode marks the third and final session with Emma, mother of four in a blended family who relies on parenting strategies of the past. But things change, and we may also need to change the way we raise our children. Leslie continues to explore Emma’s family patterns from her past, myths about parenting and fears that are so much a part of raising children. In this session, Leslie offers alternative strategies to the traditional punishments that parents so often rely on. Once again Leslie redefines how we understand misbehavior and more specifically how we look at “punishment”. Does taking things away and giving out time outs actually work? Or is there a more effective way?

Time Stamps

4:40 Myth: Parents have to fix their children’s problems
4:56 Being a calm authority and pillar of support
5:55 Validation has the power to make children feel heard and they stop repeating themselves
12:15 Be responsible for your own panic
12:31 Some people need more time to process (their feelings, instructions, or a situation)
15:35 Take a step, take a beat, and see if the step works. If not, go back
20:20 Leslie’s class: Making the Punishment Fit the Crime
21:39 Class name was intentionally provocative, because punishment doesn’t work
22:58 It is not a crime for your child to misbehave
23:20 Misbehavior is not a crime, it’s a learning experience and a form of communication
29:30 Punishment creates shame (and abandonment) in the child
30:24 An alternative to time out: take space, time in, staying connected
31:20-35:30 Tool box for dealing with misbehavior
- What does it communicate
- Let it go
- Validate, validate, validate
- Problem solve (finding other options)
- Conflict resolution steps
- Observe and describe what’s happening
- Do Nothing is an option
32:18 Principles of reinforcement
35:30 Let’s not throw away “time out,” let’s transform it into “do you need some space”

Resources:

Miles Davis quote: “It’s not the note you play that’s the wrong note – it’s the note you play afterwards that makes it right or wrong.”
Leslie’s newsletter: The Art of Healthy Neglect

Leslie-ism: People including kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have at the current time.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Time Stamps

4:40 Myth: Parents have to fix their children’s problems
4:56 Being a calm authority and pillar of support
5:55 Validation has the power to make children feel heard and they stop repeating themselves
12:15 Be responsible for your own panic
12:31 Some people need more time to process (their feelings, instructions, or a situation)
15:35 Take a step, take a beat, and see if the step works. If not, go back
20:20 Leslie’s class: Making the Punishment Fit the Crime
21:39 Class name was intentionally provocative, because punishment doesn’t work
22:58 It is not a crime for your child to misbehave
23:20 Misbehavior is not a crime, it’s a learning experience and a form of communication
29:30 Punishment creates shame (and abandonment) in the child
30:24 An alternative to time out: take space, time in, staying connected
31:20-35:30 Tool box for dealing with misbehavior
- What does it communicate
- Let it go
- Validate, validate, validate
- Problem solve (finding other options)
- Conflict resolution steps
- Observe and describe what’s happening
- Do Nothing is an option
32:18 Principles of reinforcement
35:30 Let’s not throw away “time out,” let’s transform it into “do you need some space”

Resources:

Miles Davis quote: “It’s not the note you play that’s the wrong note – it’s the note you play afterwards that makes it right or wrong.”
Leslie’s newsletter: The Art of Healthy Neglect

Leslie-ism: People including kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have at the current time.

Previous Episode

Emma Part 2 of 3: When You Need A Perspective Shift

This is the second session with Emma, mother of four children. After just one session, Emma is having breakthroughs about how her own traumas are affecting her judgment with her kids. She and Leslie discuss the warning signs of rumination (a symptom of her anxiety) and how to reel it back in once she’s started. They also work through a few role-playing scenarios in order to see how Emma can validate her children without unfairly punishing them. Sibling dynamics are never easy, and while Emma’s anxiety may be telling her she needs to “fix” every problem, Leslie gently reminds her that children don’t need fixing, but they do need some very important things from their parents in order to feel emotionally safe and secure.

Time Stamps

4:34 Use the line “I wonder if...” to clarify what your child is thinking or feeling
6:31 Stop putting your adult expectations and standards on children
8:43 The shift from being a victim in your relationships can be a shifting of expectations as well as empowering you with skills to make you feel confident in the situation.
13:15 Whose problem is it?
14:43 How body sensations help us identify emotional reactions.
16:06 Understanding Rumination (and how to prevent it)
21:43 Is your child tuned into fairness and unfairness? And what it means in terms of sensitivity and dichotomous thinking
23:50 How we help children have a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset
25:17 Children repeat themselves when they don’t feel they are being heard
27:42 How to validate children: reflecting back what they’re saying so they know you understand
34:20 Shifting from “tell me what happened” to “what’s your version of what happened (each child tells their POV)
35:51 We’re not looking for blame, we’re looking for understanding and empathy
36:12 Shame: let’s avoid interrogations, and make them feel safe instead

Resources:

Video of Leslie doing a handstand - demonstrates the bottom up approach to mindfulness
Video: The Story of Ruby - how misbehavior is a form of communication
Blog writing on Staying One Step Ahead of Your Child
Handout on Conflict Resolution Strategies for Kids by Scholastic
Mindset by Carolyn Dweck: a book about fixed vs growth mindset

Leslie-ism: Expect your children to misbehave
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host, visit Leslie's website. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar and me.

Next Episode

Building Mastery with Special Guest Dale Rubury - Reprise

Today’s episode is a revisit of the conversation between Leslie and her adult daughter Dale. It focuses on the skill of building mastery with new information and resources. Parents can use this skill to build their children’s sense of confidence and competence. Building mastery can also provide a sense of accomplishment for all adults. This is an inside look at Leslie as a mother using this skill to help her anxious daughter. This episode is also a unique opportunity to hear these parenting skills from the child’s perspective. And in an unexpected move, Dale turns the tables and puts the spotlight on Leslie’s own building mastery.

About the guest:

Dale Rubury was a producer and special guest in several episodes. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Resources:

Leslie 's Handout on The Need to Feel Capable
Youtube Video Building Mastery Skill

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Building a sense of accomplishment comes from challenging ourselves.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast - Emma Part 3 out of 3: When your Kid Misbehaves

Transcript

[Music: The Wilds Beyond by L-Ray Music]

0:05 Emma: That sense of abandonment, I...definitely it hits home, because I know that I tend to have some abandonment issues, so I don't want that to repeat in her

0:22 Leslie Cohen-Rubury: We do repeat patterns, whether we want to or not. And so many parents come to therapy because they don't want to repeat those patterns. The go