Louise & George Part 1 of 3: When You and Your Kid "Flip Your Lid"

06/25/24 • 40 min

Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Leslie delves into one of the most common challenges parents face: how to navigate a strong-willed child who doesn’t do what you want them to do, This is first session with Louise and George who have a 6 year old daughter Anna and a newborn baby. They bring to light the frustration many parents feel when their child refuses to do simple tasks, like brushing teeth or following a bedtime routine. And it is understandable when the frustration leads to the feeling that parenting is like a slog. This episode also focuses on the different parenting styles and how that might be impacting their child’s behavior.
Time Stamps

6:35 Start with Compassion for yourself as a parent since this job is really hard
10:05 Mirror Neurons Children pick up on what the parent is feeling and visa versa
10:40 Patience is needed for when seeking changes in behavior
14:13 Strategies for stepping into a conflict between parent and child

Be a reporter and name what is happening - give information to others
Do nothing
Bait them with “I think you have something very important to say”
Connect with your child especially when they are pushing you away with their behavior “I am here and I want to hear you”
“Hitting is working for you but its not working for me”
Shape the behavior
- hitting—->yelling
- yelling—--> using a talking voice

20:35 Yetzer Hara and Yetzer Tov - two ideas from Wendy Mogel’s book The Blessing of A Skinned Knee
23:35 Engage the child in “a plan” in order to problem solve challenging behaviors such as brushing her teeth
27:05 The theme of connection and how important that connection is
27:43 Getting at the root cause using the phrase “you must have a very good reason for (not brushing your teeth) or whatever the behavior is.
29:50 Communication is more than just the words: 70% of communication is nonverbal. Your child is responding to your tone, gestures and facial expressions.
33:10 Ask yourself how can parents have fun at the job of parenting
37:07 Connect first and then ask for the cooperation

Resources::

Wendy Mogel’s Book: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Connection is the foundation for cooperation.

Be a reporter and name what is happening - give information to others
Do nothing
Bait them with “I think you have something very important to say”
Connect with your child especially when they are pushing you away with their behavior “I am here and I want to hear you”
“Hitting is working for you but its not working for me”
Shape the behavior
- hitting—->yelling
- yelling—--> using a talking voice

Resources::

Wendy Mogel’s Book: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

Leslie-ism: Connection is the foundation for cooperation.

Previous Episode

Building Mastery with Special Guest Dale Rubury - Reprise

Today’s episode is a revisit of the conversation between Leslie and her adult daughter Dale. It focuses on the skill of building mastery with new information and resources. Parents can use this skill to build their children’s sense of confidence and competence. Building mastery can also provide a sense of accomplishment for all adults. This is an inside look at Leslie as a mother using this skill to help her anxious daughter. This episode is also a unique opportunity to hear these parenting skills from the child’s perspective. And in an unexpected move, Dale turns the tables and puts the spotlight on Leslie’s own building mastery.

About the guest:

Dale Rubury was a producer and special guest in several episodes. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Resources:

Leslie 's Handout on The Need to Feel Capable
Youtube Video Building Mastery Skill

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Building a sense of accomplishment comes from challenging ourselves.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Next Episode

Louise & George Part 2 of 3: Parenting Your Child Without Punishments or Rewards

Louise and George have committed to parenting without force and want to parent without punishments or rewards, but what happens when their six year old Anna has what feels like never-ending tantrums? In her second session with them, Leslie reinforces the importance of connection, and sheds light on the pressures Anna may be putting on herself. Leslie also continues her conversation with George about helping him find joy in parenting. In an incredibly honest and vulnerable conversation, they talk about what it feels like when there’s a favored parent, what might be causing this behavior, and what Dad should do to change that.

Time Stamps

2:34 How a child’s frustrating attributes will be beautiful qualities when they’re an adult
4:05 How noticing and naming a child’s behavior can be effective in helping them change it
6:18 Example of how connecting with your child increases cooperation
8:27 Defining processing speed
9:10 Dealing with what parents would call “temper tantrums,” or what Leslie would say is a child having trouble regulating their emotions
12:35 How feeling trapped negatively affects mental health
15:45 It’s all about connection and disconnection
16:03 Staying one step ahead: Identifying and naming your child’s vulnerabilities as prompting events
18:40 How to not reinforce unwanted behaviors by not giving in, but inadvertently reinforcing behavior by ignoring it
21:57 Speaking to your child’s expectations that maybe they’re not even aware of
24:04 Teaching your child a T graph: when does this quality work for you, when does it not
28:07 Discussion of different parenting approaches
29:10 Children have a common worry of disappointing their parents
33:30 Relationship between mom and child vs dad and child
35:35 The challenges of co-parenting: when one parent feels invalidated by the other

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout: “Staying One Step Ahead of your Child”
Leslie's Handout: A Visual Presentation of Family Organization
Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Try to stay one step ahead of your child.

Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast - Louise & George Part 1 of 3: When You and Your Kid "Flip Your Lid"

Transcript

[Music: The Wilds Beyond by L-Ray Music]

0:03 George: One thing I worry about that is that it'll turn parenting into a slog, where I'm just stoically going through the motions to make it through, and I just don't enjoy parenting in life.

0:22 Leslie Cohen-Rubury: It's not uncommon to feel like parenting is a struggle, and today's guests are trying to figure out how to nav