Emma Part 1 of 3: When You Think Your Kid is Manipulating You

05/28/24 • 41 min

Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Today is the first of three sessions with Emma who is a mom of 4 children in a blended family. Henelly, her 7 year old daughter is from her first marriage. Emma and her second husband have 3 year old twins, Grayson and Claire and a new baby, Olivia. Emma reached out for therapy concerned that Henelly is manipulating her. Parents may often feel this way but it's a serious accusation. Leslie unpacks that word and explores how Emma’s past experiences are influencing the way she interprets her child’s communication style. And there’s more to this episode which includes when parents feel helpless, when kids give voice to the fighting refrain - “it’s mine, no, it’s mine” and those seldom-working promises that you make with your children.
Time Stamps

4:30 Reframing the word manipulation - children are designed to get their needs.
7:10 Varying communication skills - nonverbal to indirect to direct
9:58 Examples of dialectic dilemmas - clearly articulate the dilemma
13:00 Reinforce the behavior you want more of.
15:15 The continuum of nonverbal to indirect to direct
21:20. The parent trap of promises
22:43 Use the phrase “what's going to happen when....”
25:00 How to give your child some healthy ways to be in "control"
28:00 Reasons why children take on the role of parenting
25;45 The feeling of being trapped is a terrible feeling. The antidote is identifying some options.
35:25 The unintended consequences of possessiveness of toys and finding a balance between mine and ours

Resources:

DBT Handout on levels of intensity for making a request
Video on Levels of intensity for making a request

Leslie-ism: Fostering effective communication means learning to speak your child’s language.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

4:30 Reframing the word manipulation - children are designed to get their needs.
7:10 Varying communication skills - nonverbal to indirect to direct
9:58 Examples of dialectic dilemmas - clearly articulate the dilemma
13:00 Reinforce the behavior you want more of.
15:15 The continuum of nonverbal to indirect to direct
21:20. The parent trap of promises
22:43 Use the phrase “what's going to happen when....”
25:00 How to give your child some healthy ways to be in "control"
28:00 Reasons why children take on the role of parenting
25;45 The feeling of being trapped is a terrible feeling. The antidote is identifying some options.
35:25 The unintended consequences of possessiveness of toys and finding a balance between mine and ours

Resources:

DBT Handout on levels of intensity for making a request
Video on Levels of intensity for making a request

Leslie-ism: Fostering effective communication means learning to speak your child’s language.

Previous Episode

Managing Anxiety for the Whole Family with Special Guest Lynn Lyons

This week, host Leslie Cohen-Rubury sits down with anxiety expert Lynn Lyons. Together they discuss the challenges of parenting anxious children and the importance of addressing anxiety in families. Lynn’s work is research-based and her practical strategies for dealing with anxiety may surprise you but will make sense as you listen to this episode. There’s a lot to learn about anxiety. Leslie and Lynn’s conversation focuses on how parents and caregivers can unintentionally make anxiety worse, how anxiety works and how to live with it effectively - and no, the answer is not eliminating it.

About our Guest: Lynn Lyons is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker with over 30 years of experience and a special interest in interrupting the generational patterns of anxiety in families. Her latest book, The Anxiety Audit, looks at the seven sneaky ways that anxiety and worry weave their way into our families, friendships, and jobs, and provides actionable steps to reverse the cycle and reclaim emotional well-being. Her podcast, Flusterclux, is filled with so many of her strategies for managing anxiety, as is her website: lynnlyons.com

Time Stamps

3:43 Defining Anxiety
5:00 Avoidance begets Avoidance
8:43 The keys of anxiety are certainty and comfort
9:38 Plans that work vs plans that don’t work
12:20 The three X’s - expect it, externalize it, experiment with it.
15:40 Elimination strategies make anxiety worse
15:50 Tolerating uncertainty is what makes it better.
20:45 Research on kids who are raised by anxious parents - 4 takeaways
26:25 Change the question from how do we help the child calm down to how does this child continue to freak themselves out.
29:20 Why the accommodation model at schools to treat anxiety is not working
31:50 Parental Experiential Avoidance - Parents unable to tolerate their distress or their children’s distress
33:05 Expectations of therapy if your child is being treated for anxiety
37:24 Stopping the transmission of generational anxiety
38:40 Anxiety and Depression are disorders of passivity. Retraining the brain for action

Resources:

Website: lynnlyons.com Podcast: Flusterclux.com
Instagram: lynnlyonsanxiety Facebook: Lynn Lyons Psychotherapist

Leslie-ism: Remember Lynn Lyon’s 3 X’s - We need to expect it, externalize it, experiment when dealing with anxiety

For more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.

Next Episode

Emma Part 2 of 3: When You Need A Perspective Shift

This is the second session with Emma, mother of four children. After just one session, Emma is having breakthroughs about how her own traumas are affecting her judgment with her kids. She and Leslie discuss the warning signs of rumination (a symptom of her anxiety) and how to reel it back in once she’s started. They also work through a few role-playing scenarios in order to see how Emma can validate her children without unfairly punishing them. Sibling dynamics are never easy, and while Emma’s anxiety may be telling her she needs to “fix” every problem, Leslie gently reminds her that children don’t need fixing, but they do need some very important things from their parents in order to feel emotionally safe and secure.

Time Stamps

4:34 Use the line “I wonder if...” to clarify what your child is thinking or feeling
6:31 Stop putting your adult expectations and standards on children
8:43 The shift from being a victim in your relationships can be a shifting of expectations as well as empowering you with skills to make you feel confident in the situation.
13:15 Whose problem is it?
14:43 How body sensations help us identify emotional reactions.
16:06 Understanding Rumination (and how to prevent it)
21:43 Is your child tuned into fairness and unfairness? And what it means in terms of sensitivity and dichotomous thinking
23:50 How we help children have a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset
25:17 Children repeat themselves when they don’t feel they are being heard
27:42 How to validate children: reflecting back what they’re saying so they know you understand
34:20 Shifting from “tell me what happened” to “what’s your version of what happened (each child tells their POV)
35:51 We’re not looking for blame, we’re looking for understanding and empathy
36:12 Shame: let’s avoid interrogations, and make them feel safe instead

Resources:

Video of Leslie doing a handstand - demonstrates the bottom up approach to mindfulness
Video: The Story of Ruby - how misbehavior is a form of communication
Blog writing on Staying One Step Ahead of Your Child
Handout on Conflict Resolution Strategies for Kids by Scholastic
Mindset by Carolyn Dweck: a book about fixed vs growth mindset

Leslie-ism: Expect your children to misbehave
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host, visit Leslie's website. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar and me.

Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast - Emma Part 1 of 3: When You Think Your Kid is Manipulating You

Transcript

[Music: The Wilds Beyond by L-Ray Music]

0:03 Emma: It feels like manipulating in the sense of being like, “I'm not eating my dinner until you give me something else.” And then the other half of me is like, she's just a kid. She doesn't like what she's eating. She's just throwing a fit.

0:21 L