Focus On Raising A Responsible Child Versus Raising An Obedient Child With Guest Dale Rubury
10/02/23 • 43 min
This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live. This is a conversation between Leslie and her daughter, Dale. It focuses on the topic of raising a responsible child versus an obedient child. We all want children who listen to us. But it's not as simple as telling our children what to do, and expecting them to do it. In today’s conversation, Leslie will help us define the difference between these two ideas. Dale and Leslie explore these ideas in her childhood and reflect on the value of these principles in her adult life
Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today’s guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.
Time Stamps
4:08 The dangerous side of raising an obedient child that you don’t always think about.
4:48 Raising a responsible child means raising a “thinking child”
5:55 Using the line “I see that you are practicing being a teenager” when teens talk back to their parents
7:30 Powering over your child vs giving your child “personal power”
9:42 Engage your child in the process of chores to increase and motivation cooperation
10:30 the importance of giving children choices and loosening the reins to allow for more freedom and autonomy in their daily responsibilities.
11:22 Leslie Cohen-Rubury suggests giving children more risks to take to make them feel capable and confident, which leads to increased cooperation.
15:10 In order to foster cooperation, let your child take more risks. More capable more confident which leads to be more cooperative
20:55 Balancing limits for the child and respect for the child
23:45 Complaining is a secondary problem to doing the chore. Instead MAINTAIN YOUR FOCUS on what you are asking your child to do.
24:50 Use the paradoxical statement “It looks like you need more practice doing the dishes” when your child is complaining.
27:25 Raising an obedient child means you may end up with a selfish child who uses victim language
27:55 Raising an obedient child ends up feeling smaller vs raising a responsible child helps to empower the child
29:00 How power struggles develop between parent and child
32:22 Are you coddling your child? Do you think you are giving in to your child?
37:25 What it sounds like when you as the parent start defending yourself
37:55 Brief description of the DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) skill of check the facts
38:43 One interpretation of when your teen questions adults is to be grateful that you are raising a “thinking” individual
Show Links:
- Handout of comparing Raising A Responsible Child Versus Raising An Obedient Child
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Leslie-ism: Raising responsible children who think for themselves is more important
This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live. This is a conversation between Leslie and her daughter, Dale. It focuses on the topic of raising a responsible child versus an obedient child. We all want children who listen to us. But it's not as simple as telling our children what to do, and expecting them to do it. In today’s conversation, Leslie will help us define the difference between these two ideas. Dale and Leslie explore these ideas in her childhood and reflect on the value of these principles in her adult life
Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today’s guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.
Time Stamps
4:08 The dangerous side of raising an obedient child that you don’t always think about.
4:48 Raising a responsible child means raising a “thinking child”
5:55 Using the line “I see that you are practicing being a teenager” when teens talk back to their parents
7:30 Powering over your child vs giving your child “personal power”
9:42 Engage your child in the process of chores to increase and motivation cooperation
10:30 the importance of giving children choices and loosening the reins to allow for more freedom and autonomy in their daily responsibilities.
11:22 Leslie Cohen-Rubury suggests giving children more risks to take to make them feel capable and confident, which leads to increased cooperation.
15:10 In order to foster cooperation, let your child take more risks. More capable more confident which leads to be more cooperative
20:55 Balancing limits for the child and respect for the child
23:45 Complaining is a secondary problem to doing the chore. Instead MAINTAIN YOUR FOCUS on what you are asking your child to do.
24:50 Use the paradoxical statement “It looks like you need more practice doing the dishes” when your child is complaining.
27:25 Raising an obedient child means you may end up with a selfish child who uses victim language
27:55 Raising an obedient child ends up feeling smaller vs raising a responsible child helps to empower the child
29:00 How power struggles develop between parent and child
32:22 Are you coddling your child? Do you think you are giving in to your child?
37:25 What it sounds like when you as the parent start defending yourself
37:55 Brief description of the DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) skill of check the facts
38:43 One interpretation of when your teen questions adults is to be grateful that you are raising a “thinking” individual
Show Links:
- Handout of comparing Raising A Responsible Child Versus Raising An Obedient Child
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Leslie-ism: Raising responsible children who think for themselves is more important
Previous Episode
Alice Part 3 of 3: When Your Kids Complain
This is part 3 of the 3 part series with Alice. She's a recently divorced mother of two boys, Dan, who's nine, and Jake, who's six. In the first two sessions, Alice and Leslie focus a lot on her anxieties about her children, and her parenting perfectionism. It's so hard to raise kids, especially after a big life change, like divorce. This episode, Alice reviews what strategies have been working, and what still needs work. Today’s session focuses on additional practical strategies for things like chores, politeness, and the transition between Mom's house and Dad's house.
Time Stamps
7:25 How much control do I give my child? A discussion of personal power vs powering over another person
9:35 Example of dialectic thinking for a child who they should have done something different
11:10 Zoom in and Zoom out
15:50 Flexibility and flow when the kids transition between two homes
20:10 What to do when your child refuses to do what you ask them to do
21:00 Raising a responsible child, not an obedient child
22:20 Joining your kids in the chaos of yelling
25:07 An example of the paradox of parenting
27:12 Resist the urge to fix the moment
30:36 What to do when your child says no. - give them space
31:35 Leave the complaint, Don’t pick up the complaint and it won’t go anywhere
32:05 Maintain your focus and don’t get distracted by the complaints - using an example of picking up your child at a friend’s house
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Leslie-ism: You need both insight and practical skills in order to make a change in your parenting.
Show Note Links:
Leslie was interviewed on Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene. You can listen to that interview here where we discuss the causes of certain behaviors of children. You can also follow Rebecca Greene at:
- Blog https://www.whinypaluza.com/
- Facebook https://www.facebook.com/whinypaluzaparenting
- Instagram https://www.instagram.com/becgreene5/ @becgreene5
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.
Next Episode
Revisit: Michelle & Emiliano: When Your Kid Is Afraid To Do New Things
We’re between seasons right now, but for those of you who joined us later in the season we wanted to revisit this earlier episode about when children are afraid to do new things with my parent guests Michelle and Emiliano. This is a common topic for many caregivers. If you’ve heard it before I invite you to re-listen, as a way to reinforce new skills. And you might hear something you didn’t hear the first time!
There is a newsletter that comes out bi-weekly! The next one is about living life according to your values and what to do when those values are in conflict. It happens everyday. In this episode Michelle and Emiliano's values are also in conflict. Do they respect their child's desire to say NO, or do they honor their value of exposing her to a rich experience. You can listen to this episode with the new perspective of what to do when your values are in conflict. You can find the link to this newsletter in the show notes. Or sign up at ismychildamonster.com
Show Notes:
Go to ismychildamonster.com to sign up for the newsletter
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.
Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast - Focus On Raising A Responsible Child Versus Raising An Obedient Child With Guest Dale Rubury
Transcript
[Music: The Wilds Beyond by L-Ray Music]
0:04 Dale Rubury: We didn't even have that need to go crazy with it because that need for freedom wasn't like bottled up inside of us, which I think happens if you have those reins too tight.
0:21 Leslie Cohen-Rubury: This is, Is My Child A Monster?, a parenting therapy podcast where you get to listen in as real parents an
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