Unapologetic Parenting

We have an option to see divorce as a tragedy or an opportunity. We can choose to view the divorce process as a chance for growth and development or as a set-back from which we will not recover for a long time, if ever.
When child-custody is set and part of our reality moving forward, we have the choice to view the time we have available to us as an opportunity to grow in as many ways as possible or not.
Media representations and social narratives tell us that divorce has to be a time of suffering and prolonged grief. Granted, there are often very difficult and challenging parts of most divorce processes involving child custody issues, but we still have a choice about how we view the entire process and what comes after. The fact is, we grieve anything as long as we believe we should. At some level, we decide how long we need to grieve any loss, and when we reach that time, we move on. With divorce, we can decide to view the path ahead as opportunity and set a cutoff for grief. We can choose to grow, develop ourselves, hone our skills, advance our careers, get clear on our vision, travel, and heal.

Double binds are the classic punished if you do and punished if you don't situations. If you respond to your ex's nonsense, then you are compromising yourself and exposing yourself to further mistreatment. If you do not respond, then there is the threat that they will use you unresponsiveness as evidence that you are a bad parent. If you call out the game, then you are labeled as high conflict. Almost every way you looks at it, it seems like you will be punished.
This episode discusses the Double Bind situation as a hallmark behavior of abusers...one they use to gain power and control and to wear the victim down into a state of submission or helplessness.
This episode then moves into strategies to get out of the Double Bind, starting with the observation that if you are going to be punished no matter what you do, you might as well clearly define what you truly want and move toward that.

When The Kids Are Failing School At The Other House
Often times when we step in to bail the other parent out, we are enabling them to continue failing as parents. We think we are helping the kids, and perhaps they do benefit in the short-run in some way, but in the big picture we are usually playing into codependency dynamics.
This is a game that currently gets played out with the kids' schooling, especially when they are learning remotely. One household lets them fail and the other gets pulled in to bail them out. The home that lets them fail offloads all accountability onto the kids and onto you to rescue. When dealing with a narcissistic ex, they create a situation where you seem to have to choose between engaging the narcissist and letting the kids fail. It is one of the classic games they play.
We know that bailing the other parent out is part of the narcissistic game that keeps us feeding attention to the other parent. They fail and struggle to draw us in and to offload responsibility onto us. We rescue and compensate for their lack of engagement with the kids and get baited into needless contact with them.
But we’re not doing anyone any favors. Yes, of course we always have a responsibility to make sure the kids do well academically. Academic success is a core responsibility we always carry as parents. The way we can help our kids in this seemingly no-win situation is to introduce logical consequences when they don't show up for themselves to take initiative in their own education. In other words, we have to train them in the skill of showing up for themselves and performing self-sufficiently, which may require us to be the disciplinarian.
We take on this role because we do not want the kids to develop the habit of hiding behind the narcissistic parent's neglect that enables the kids to be lazy and undeveloped.
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Extreme accusations that come in the absence of authentic evidence are often self-accusatory projections. For example, when an ex makes accusations of “abuse” in the absence of actual evidence of abuse, then the accusation often indicates that the accuser is “splitting.” The accuser has split the other person into all-bad and is viewing his or her behavior through that distorted lens.
Or for another example, if the ex accuses you of being a narcissist without any real evidence to support the extreme label, then that too often indicates splitting and is often a self-accusation.
Narcissistic exes are very fond of accusing others of the very things they are culpable of. Narcissistic exes often accuse the other parent of alienation when they themselves are engaged in alienation attempts. They fabricate evidence and mistreat the children to cause estrangement to support their accusations of alienation.
When the accusations come, step back and assess. Does the ex accuse others of being narcissists (i.e. their dad is a narc, your new spouse’s dad is a narc, you are a narc, and several other of their family members are narcs)? To them, are narcs hiding behind every tree? Are they obsessed with trendy-trendy narcissist advice as part of their quest for “proof” that you are a narc? Do they tell others in the family and community that you are a narc and then make up stories about you?
If your ex seems to be splitting and lying when accusing you, and especially if there is a larger pattern of them doing similar things to others in their lives, then they are most likely projecting their own narcissistic traits onto you. Projection is one of the main mental defenses narcissists use to reject their own feelings of self-inadequacy.
When you see this splitting and projection game in action, it should be a clear sign to disengage. For the purposes of setting boundaries, that should be all the reason and evidence you need. Chances are, you already know that the ex is in capable of taking accountability for their actions or genuinely apologizing to those they have wronged. If you do not already have firm boundaries in place to limit communication with the ex, it is time.

We hear mixed messages about leaving relationships all the time. If only you were stronger, you would have left sooner. If only you were stronger, you would have stayed longer and tried harder. Weak people focus on themselves too much...and weak people don't focus on themselves and their needs enough.
Such messages are unhelpful and often get us nowhere except bogged down in shame and self-doubt.
The better path is to focus on what's ahead and to pour our energy into moving forward rather than trying to "if only" the past. What happened, happened, and that's done. Instead of picking apart the past and beating ourselves up in the process, we can be grateful for where we are now and look forward to what we want to create for ourselves next.