Divorce As Opportunity Mindset

01/14/21 • 5 min

We have an option to see divorce as a tragedy or an opportunity. We can choose to view the divorce process as a chance for growth and development or as a set-back from which we will not recover for a long time, if ever.
When child-custody is set and part of our reality moving forward, we have the choice to view the time we have available to us as an opportunity to grow in as many ways as possible or not.
Media representations and social narratives tell us that divorce has to be a time of suffering and prolonged grief. Granted, there are often very difficult and challenging parts of most divorce processes involving child custody issues, but we still have a choice about how we view the entire process and what comes after. The fact is, we grieve anything as long as we believe we should. At some level, we decide how long we need to grieve any loss, and when we reach that time, we move on. With divorce, we can decide to view the path ahead as opportunity and set a cutoff for grief. We can choose to grow, develop ourselves, hone our skills, advance our careers, get clear on our vision, travel, and heal.

Previous Episode

Behind Most Stepmom vs Biomom Conflict Is A Man Not Doing His Job

I firmly believe that there is no reason for a stepmom and a biomom to be having direct conflict with one another. I also am of the opinion that in most cases direct communication between a biomom and stepmom is completely unnecessary.
Maybe I am biased in my view, but to me the root issue behind direct stepmom and biomom conflict is a man (biodad) who is not fulfilling his role in the situation.
Here’s what I mean—dad is ultimately responsible for the kids. The one who is ultimately accountable for what happens to and with and for the kids at dad’s home is dad.
His kids are his responsibility. Stepmom is dad’s first priority. When there is direct conflict between a stepmom and a biomom, it is typically because biodad is improperly delegating (or avoiding) his responsibility and not prioritizing his wife and their relationship.
Dad is responsible for his kids. It is his role and responsibility to care for them as their primary caretaker in his home and to do the work necessary to parent them. Period. When there is direct conflict between the biomom and stepmom, it is often because dad is avoiding his responsibilities to communicate and coordinate matters for the kids.
His wife and their relationship is his first priority...not second or less to the kids. First priority. Period. When biodad allows mistreatment and harassment to occur toward his wife, he is not prioritizing who and what matters. His role is to set boundaries with his own ex and to deescalate matters for his wife. If his ex is causing his wife problems, then it is his job to put an end to it.
If he is allowing his wife to torment his ex, then he and his wife are probably bonding over his ex in a dysfunctional way (making her the object of their connection)...which prioritizes his ex in the relationship. Worse still is a man who allows the conflict because he enjoys women fighting over him.
Any way you look at it, when direct stepmom vs biomom conflict exists, there is a man not doing his job. There is absolutely no need for such conflict. If dad is accountable for his responsibilities and prioritizing his wife, then harassment and conflict and argumentation should not occur.

Next Episode

How To Not Create Kids Who Are Emotional Monsters

It is good for kids to be able to express their emotions...and most kids seem to have no difficulty doing so at all. The difficulty is usually training kids to be centered and rational.
What we see in popular media and trendy-trendy parenting advice is an over emphasis on emotional expression with almost nothing to balance it in terms of manners, boundaries, self-discipline, and rationality.
Kids do not need to have unchecked emotional expression in order to be healthy. They do not need to have standardless fits in order to be well-adjusted.
A lot of trendy-trendy advice seems to verge on emotional obsession. Parents are essentially encouraged to be emotional helicopters. Corners of the home are dedicated to feelings posters and stacks of comfort materials. Education, critical thinking skills and manners go to the wayside. Encouraging self-control is apparently taboo. The irony is that most trendy-trendy advice ends up creating little emotional monsters.
Kids can learn from early on to view and control their emotions in much healthier ways. Children are resilient and often far more self-aware and capable than we give them credit for.
Example is key. From the beginning, we can model solid emotional life for them. We can show them that emotions can be experienced while not consuming us. We can show them that we always possess control over our behavior and that we can be respectful no matter what we feel. We can show them how to be rational and centered through anything. From there, we can set rules and standards for their conduct that line up with our example.
When our children get older, we can expose them to a wide variety of literature and experiences to give substance and context to their emotional lives.
Again, it is good to encourage emotional expression, but we should not be obsessed with it. We should also make sure kids are taught rationality, boundaries, critical thinking, and expose them to a wide variety of education and experience.

Unapologetic Parenting - Divorce As Opportunity Mindset

Transcript

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This is unapologetic parenting podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting. We take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it.

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Welcome back to unapologetic parenting I am your host Carl Knickerbocker