Why The Court Treats The Abuser Like The Victim And The Victim Like The Abuser

03/30/23 • 6 min

Hypothesis: the heart of so many of the family court’s judgment errors boils down to the emotional illiteracy of the lawyers, judges, therapists, and other paraprofessionals attached to the system.

The family court system is not trauma informed. The judges are not therapists and spend the least amount of time learning about the case out of all the players. The therapists attached to the system are often opportunists to make matters worse for their own gain. Facilitators and evaluators make their money off of conflict and refer to their therapist buddies. Lawyers profit off of conflict and more conflict.

The court system is often completely emotionally illiterate when it comes to anger. Anxiety, grief, ptsd, concern, passion, forwardness, and fear are misinterpreted as anger and used again the person feeling these legitimate emotions.

Meanwhile the actual abusive party is pretending to be innocent and cooperative...while accusing the other party (often their past and/or present abuse victim) of having anger issues.

The result? Terrible judgments by the court that treat the abuser as the victim and the victim as the abuser.

Hypothesis: the heart of so many of the family court’s judgment errors boils down to the emotional illiteracy of the lawyers, judges, therapists, and other paraprofessionals attached to the system.

Meanwhile the actual abusive party is pretending to be innocent and cooperative...while accusing the other party (often their past and/or present abuse victim) of having anger issues.

The result? Terrible judgments by the court that treat the abuser as the victim and the victim as the abuser.

Previous Episode

When Court Ordered Coparenting Is Not In Anyone's Best Interests

Court-ordered coparenting is pretty much doomed to fail when one of the parents is highly narcissistic. When the courts take a one-size-fits-all approach to coparenting expectations and standards, they end up creating a sure-to-fail situation where everyone involved loses. That is, everyone except those who directly profit from the increased conflict, legal expenses, and court-ordered therapy work that is generated by trying to force those who are incapable of collaborative parenting into an idealistic coparenting model.

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The better path is to focus on what's ahead and to pour our energy into moving forward rather than trying to "if only" the past. What happened, happened, and that's done. Instead of picking apart the past and beating ourselves up in the process, we can be grateful for where we are now and look forward to what we want to create for ourselves next.

Unapologetic Parenting - Why The Court Treats The Abuser Like The Victim And The Victim Like The Abuser

Transcript

It's always important to pick your battles very wisely when engaging the family court system. Because the family court system on the surface always appears to favor the abuser who cries victim over the victim who cries abuser. Why? My initial thought hypothesis, so I would say is that they can't read anger properly. When somebody who has been actually abused, someone who is actually a victim is standing up for themselves, the fear that they experience, the genuine righteous anger that they exp