When Your Ex Creates A Double Bind Situation

01/09/21 • 18 min

Double binds are the classic punished if you do and punished if you don't situations. If you respond to your ex's nonsense, then you are compromising yourself and exposing yourself to further mistreatment. If you do not respond, then there is the threat that they will use you unresponsiveness as evidence that you are a bad parent. If you call out the game, then you are labeled as high conflict. Almost every way you looks at it, it seems like you will be punished.
This episode discusses the Double Bind situation as a hallmark behavior of abusers...one they use to gain power and control and to wear the victim down into a state of submission or helplessness.
This episode then moves into strategies to get out of the Double Bind, starting with the observation that if you are going to be punished no matter what you do, you might as well clearly define what you truly want and move toward that.

Previous Episode

If Your Ex Is Committed To Disagreeing With Everything You Say, Stop Arguing

Don’t argue with someone who has decided that they are never wrong and you are never right.
When exes disagree with us, it is often part of the power that existed during the marriage, through the divorce, and into the present. They are set on winning by always being right and making us always wrong. They refuse to concede.
Constant disagreement is also a way to bait us into giving them attention. They then use that attention to further provoke and disrupt us.
They use disagreement to make sure we’re thinking about them, thinking about how to respond to them, how to beat them, constantly.
Exes with narcissistic traits often disagree for the sake of disagreeing...to provoke, to punish, to get attention, to work to wear us down.
The best remedy is to choose to disengage. Choose to stop arguing. Unless the issue involves something major like a surgery for the child or other matter that requires mutual consent, there is no point to discussing or arguing over any disagreement.
Let them do their thing and leave it at that. Let them be wrong. Let them believe you are wrong and let them feel right...alone.
Our peace of mind is far more important than trying to prove a point to someone who is committed to never agreeing. They may not even be mentally capable of seeing outside of themselves. Arguing with such people accomplished nothing except harming ourselves.

Next Episode

Stop Talking To Your Ex

There is usually no need or good reason to talk to your ex during and after the divorce process. A good rule is to cut out phone and in-person conversations completely.
Verbal conversations with exes typically devolve into verbal abuse. Verbal conversations also expose us to manipulation and having false claims brought against us. Exes will deny the awful things they say and claim that we said things we never said. The best way to avoid these problems is to not have verbal conversations in the first place.
Shutting down verbal communication is often a major step toward moving on and healing after a divorce. When we continue talking to a problematic ex, we often continue playing out the negative patterns that brought about the divorce in the first place.
A good solution is to require all communications to be in writing, especially through email or the use of a coparenting app. Text messages can and should be avoided because there is no reason for an ex's toxic notes to be appearing in your text messages where you are also communicated with other family members, friends, support networks, and new relations.

Unapologetic Parenting - When Your Ex Creates A Double Bind Situation

Transcript

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This is unapologetic parenting podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting. We take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. Welcome back to unapologetic parenting. I'm your host Carl Knickerbocker. Today's episode we are talking about double binds.