Parental Development
Dr. Leah Featherstone & Beka Dean
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Top 10 Parental Development Episodes
Goodpods has curated a list of the 10 best Parental Development episodes, ranked by the number of listens and likes each episode have garnered from our listeners. If you are listening to Parental Development for the first time, there's no better place to start than with one of these standout episodes. If you are a fan of the show, vote for your favorite Parental Development episode by adding your comments to the episode page.
Teachers
Parental Development
10/12/22 • 54 min
Where are our teachers? This episode is specifically for you! We've gotten questions about how you might implement this type of parenting/relationship building in a classroom, so we decided to talk about it!
Before we can talk about classroom management strategies, we HAVE to remember the brain science associated with our kids. If you're not familiar with that, listen here, here, and here! When kids (or adults) have flipped their lid, they are incapable of learning new information, making good choices, and processing language.
If you are contributing signs of danger to kids when they are dysregulated, their nervous systems will not allow them to calm or follow directions. Signs of danger include yelling, angry facial expressions, threatening body posture, etc. These responses to behavior will ALWAYS lead to increased dysregulation and more poor behavior.
1. Consider your non-negotiables - these should generally only be safety related (physical, emotional, social, academic safety)
2. If you are constantly triggered by the same behaviors, you may want to look at that for yourself and try to determine what is driving that feeling in you
Sometimes teachers feel like if they don't stay firm on everything, they might lose control and this is really more of a myth. The more boxed in people feel the more this will trigger their systems. The more flexibility and negotiation you can integrate into your classroom, the more kids will feel in control and responsible for themselves.
Our #1 tip for managing behavior in the classroom: LET KIDS LISTEN TO THEIR BODIES!!! Let them:
- go tothe bathroom when they need to
- eat when they're hungry
- stand up when they need to
- move around to regulate
- take a break when needed
Discipline is a hot button topic in most schools and classrooms, with lots of differing opinions. In our opinion, behavior charts generally create shame, embarrassment, and guilt in kids, which research has shown does not actually change behaviors long term and can do more damage, particularly for the kids who struggle behaviorally. This is true even for adults, which has been identified here. If you want more information on how these charts and systems are problematic, check out this article, or this video.
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Mental Health
Parental Development
06/08/22 • 47 min
Mental health has been thrust into the national conversation over the last few weeks, often leading to suggestions, ideas, and conclusions from people who do not work in the field and have no experience with the system. This episode does not involve much about parenting, but Leah provides some education and insight into the system and possible solutions moving forward.
There is a difference between mental health and mental illness. We all need to focus on our mental health and wellness, and how we feel, manage stress, emotions, and behaviors, while mental illness suggests a formal diagnosis and an identifiable issue that should be addressed and/or treated.
Currently there are not enough mental health providers to meet the need for the mental health of kids and adults in our communities. There are also issues related to insurance - covering mental health benefits, low reimbursement rates, making decisions about treatment, etc.
As mental health providers, we are not responsible simply for public safety. The number one consideration as a mental health provider is confidentiality and it trumps almost everything, making decisions about hospitalization, calling the police, etc. extremely difficult and nuanced. Safety is one of the only things that trumps confidentiality, but only in the moment and only in very specific instances.
No matter what our proposed solutions are to these big issues, it's important that we remember that we all have the same goals and have positive intentions.
Leah's opinion is that the majority of these violent, aggressive kids and adults are the result of significant attachment disruptions, including generational ruptures with limited repair. This leads to a need for power and control, which often leads to aggression toward animals and young children. It's not helpful to refer to these people as 'monsters' or 'evil,' because they didn't start this way, and until we focus on how that developed and got to that point through their experiences, we miss the opportunity to make changes.
These types of conversations do not help fight the stigma associated with mental illness, because the majority of people with a mental health diagnosis are not violent or aggressive. There are some potential solutions or improvements that could be made within our current systems to start this work, but the conversations are really hard. Hopefully this episode gives some places for us to start.
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The Old School Teacher
Parental Development
03/16/22 • 39 min
Schools often struggle to implement discipline in a way we would support, and it's challenging as a parent to know how to advocate for our kids in their classrooms and with their teachers. In this episode, we respond to a text message from a mom seeking help in how to approach her daughter's teacher and address some concerning discipline practices.
Using food to manage behavior can create all kinds of negative relationships with food, eating, our bodies, etc. and this is particularly problematic if kids have experienced any kind of food insecurity or poverty.
The research on the positive effects of recess are clear - you can see some examples here, here, here, and here! Particularly for young kids, the effects of physical activity, social engagement, and time outdoors is crucial for their development and learning important skills such as regulation and peer interactions.
Leah has lots of experience working with school districts, teachers, and administrators, and gives some suggestions on how to try to partner with your child's teacher and school, sharing your concerns and the research we have on these topics, while also requiring different strategies be used when disciplining your children. It's imperative that those of us with the resources and abilities, advocate for our kids, which in turn will help those kids who may not have adults in their lives supporting them and advocating for them!!
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Desire for Rewards
Parental Development
04/26/23 • 51 min
Why do we continue to use the sticker charts? They're so common and often suggested for parents and teachers, even though we have so much information about some of the negative effects of token economies. This episode talks through this concept and different ways to change behaviors and motivate our kids.
A quote on the CDC's website talks about how rewards make both parents and kids happy. This isn't really our goal or something we seek as far as wanting our kids to be responsible for our happiness or to only be happy because they're getting something they like.
So many sites also indicate that reward charts and behavior programs increase self esteem. This seems counter intuitive, because it sounds like self esteem is boosted because someone else is happy or because they got something they wanted.
You cannot have a reward system without it also being a punishment system. If you can earn something, then you have to be able to not get it or lose it, which feels like a punishment. This can cause the focus to be on negative behaviors and compare behaviors to others.
Behavior charts fail to get underneath a behavior. The assumption is that the kids are making choices to behave badly and they simply need motivation. There is no room to ask the questions: do they know how to do this? Do they have the skills? Are they regulated enough? Are they safe enough?
Behavior charts cause external motivation and prevent intrinsic motivation, causing kids to appear manipulative, which is also problematic.
Rewards for behavior are particularly problematic when what they can earn is relationships with special people or additional time. This teaches kids that relationships are transcational and love and care is attached to your behavior and if you're naughty enough no one will want to be around you.
Ultimately, CONNECTION is the sticker. Connection is the antecdote and the tool to actually improve behavior. There is a place to implement boundaries and make sure our own emotional and relational needs are met as a parent, but this can be implemented without withholding connection in response to negative behaviors.
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Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays
Parental Development
12/14/22 • 41 min
This week goes over all the common holiday issues we often face with our kids, including unwanted touch, food, getting gifts, and boundaries!
Overall, let's lower our expectations - our kids are going to be a disaster. Give them (and yourself) grace!
I care more about my relationship with my kids and what they think about me than family members I see a couple times a year.
Kids should be in charge of their own bodies!
If adults get their feelings hurt because a small child doesn't want to hug/kiss them, that says more about that adult than it does about the child. It's not a child's responsibility to make sure the adults around them are comfortable and happy. If you need help with this, try:
1. Develop a plan with your kids beforehand
2. Carry your kids if they're small
3. Keep them close to run interference
4. Respond for them ("she doesn't want a hug right now")
5. Offer an alternative (fist bump/high five)
Do not touch a child who does not want to be touched!
If you're concerned about your kids opening gifts they won't like or not responding in the best way, here are some suggestions:
1. Prep them for gifts and ways they can respond honestly and appropriately
2. Speak for them if they're having a hard time
3. Ask if you can take the gifts and open them at home
If you're giving a gift simply for the reaction and praise/acknowledgement from someone, then that's not really a gift.
A couple thoughts about food:
1. Don't comment on how much or how little they're eating
2. Let them eat everything in whatever order they choose; no dessert only if you eat what's on your plate
3. Use natural consequence and prompt them to listen to their bodies
4. Be prepared for them to only eat rolls
If you feel like you need to set boundaries with family members for the holidays:
1. Understand your boundaries are important and valid
2. Prep family members and what your boundaries are and what your response will be if they're not honored
3. Hold
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Expectations (Part 2)
Parental Development
03/15/23 • 36 min
We cut last week's episode short, so we needed another one to finish our conversation about expectations.
In last week's episode we talked about the need to lower expectations if our kids are showing us with their behavior that they can't do the task. But what if your kid has done it in the past and now all of a sudden they are refusing or saying they can't do something anymore? There is still a function behind this behavior, and I choose to see this behavior as a CAN'T do as opposed to a WON'T do. This helps me view them in a more loving, compassionate way, as opposed to simply getting frustrated about their behavior.
We just CHOOSE to assume positive intent. This allows us to enjoy our kids as opposed to always being upset or believing such negative things about them and their behavior. It prevents us from having to chase their behavior and just look for ways to correct them on a regular basis.
If you have a behavior you're trying to change or an issue you want to address, it is almost always helpful to include your child in this discussion and planning. You can communicate what you want to do and let them give ideas or communicate their thoughts and feelings about how things might be going. Be prepared to explain your reasoning, more than simply, 'because I said so.'
Is there ever a time when digging in our heels to address a behavior is appropriate? For us, that is usually only appropriate if there's a safety issue. If you as the parent are digging in on other behaviors, that is almost always your stuff, your work to do, and your own history coming up within your relationship with your kids. Our kids are not responsible for our stuff or our work, and responding to them in ways that are out of proportion with behavior and issues, is not theirs to take. This is what breaking generational cycles is really about.
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Sibling Rivalry
Parental Development
06/15/22 • 46 min
When our kids fight with one another it can be so draining and super challenging to know what to do in those moments. This episode talks through ideas for how to intervene and help our kids develop skills.
Our kids' first exposure to developing social skills is their relationship with their siblings. This gives them the opportunity to practice their skills in conflict resolution, apologizing, empathy, etc. This means that the fighting our kids engage in with one another is completely normal and can even be healthy, as they being to practice and learn these new skills.
When our kids fight, it's our opportunity to teach skills, so we shouldn't intervene every time. You might say something like, "You guys need to figure it out." This is really challenging and triggers many of us as parents pretty quickly.
Punishment often doesn't work to address the issue with fighting, because it doesn't teach our kids new skills to avoid fighting with their sibling. Many times fighting is an attempt to get attention from a caregiver, communicating they need help, attunement, attention, etc.
Be careful to not always intervene for the younger/smaller child, to avoid identifying the older one as the bad, mean, problematic one. It can also put the younger child into a victim role, causing them to cause mistreatment to get caretaking and attention from parents.
It's important to avoid seeing our kids as manipulative, which usually only means they're doing what they need to do to get their needs met. We have often trained them to know how to get what they want, which can feel like we are being manipulated, but it's simply them getting their needs met. We always want to chase the function behind the behavior instead of focusing on the behavior itself.
If fighting is increasing your home, you can try cooperative games, like this, this, or this. You might also think about spending extra time with each other, putting activities in the car to keep them occupied, listening to recorded stories, etc.
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Replay: Expectations (Part 2)
Parental Development
02/21/24 • 36 min
We cut last week's episode short, so we needed another one to finish our conversation about expectations.
In last week's episode we talked about the need to lower expectations if our kids are showing us with their behavior that they can't do the task. But what if your kid has done it in the past and now all of a sudden they are refusing or saying they can't do something anymore? There is still a function behind this behavior, and I choose to see this behavior as a CAN'T do as opposed to a WON'T do. This helps me view them in a more loving, compassionate way, as opposed to simply getting frustrated about their behavior.
We just CHOOSE to assume positive intent. This allows us to enjoy our kids as opposed to always being upset or believing such negative things about them and their behavior. It prevents us from having to chase their behavior and just look for ways to correct them on a regular basis.
If you have a behavior you're trying to change or an issue you want to address, it is almost always helpful to include your child in this discussion and planning. You can communicate what you want to do and let them give ideas or communicate their thoughts and feelings about how things might be going. Be prepared to explain your reasoning, more than simply, 'because I said so.'
Is there ever a time when digging in our heels to address a behavior is appropriate? For us, that is usually only appropriate if there's a safety issue. If you as the parent are digging in on other behaviors, that is almost always your stuff, your work to do, and your own history coming up within your relationship with your kids. Our kids are not responsible for our stuff or our work, and responding to them in ways that are out of proportion with behavior and issues, is not theirs to take. This is what breaking generational cycles is really about.
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Triggered
Parental Development
05/04/22 • 41 min
This episode covers a listener question about how to stay calm and regulated when our kids trigger us, including trauma triggers.
It's first important to differentiate typical triggers that bother us as parents and those that are related to traumatic memories. Typical behaviors that challenges us as parents include whining, hitting, throwing things, etc. and we talk through some ideas on how to address that behavior.
Trauma triggers are something different, and create a response in our nervous systems that makes it much harder to manage and respond appropriately. Ultimately, a trauma response happens when your system and brain believe you are in danger, so safety and survival are the ONLY goals. Sometimes this can lead to a flashback, which is not just a memory, but a re-experiencing of a traumatic experience. When this happens, any parenting is challenging, particularly this style of parenting that requires increased insight and regulation.
It is understandable and to be expected for parents to have to remove themselves from difficult situations whenever they are triggered. Some steps to help in these situations:
1. Leave the situation to regulate
2. Return and connect
3. Hold the boundary
A few extra tips to get regulated and activate your vagus nerve:
1. Gargling
2. Humming/Singing
3. Massage
4. Put cold water on your face
5. Deep, audible breathing
You can find more information about these activities here, here, or here.
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Unconscious Bias
Parental Development
01/17/24 • 47 min
This episode talks about what can sometimes be a taboo or hard topic: bias, diversity, and race. We utilize science to talk through how our brains are wired for sameness and build bias into our system, in order to protect us.
For more information about this topic, check out this book, that we used to start our conversation. Understanding the science can help take the shame and judgment out of this topic, which can then make it easier to have productive conversations.
Our brains are designed to identify and empathize more with people who look like us. Our conscious beliefs and what we would say about people who are different than us, are often different from the unconscious signals our brains send us when we are exposed to differences.
It's not possible to not have any biases; it's built into our brains!
All of our experiences are either lessening or strengthening the biases we have naturally. As a parent, I want to pay attention to how I talk about "others," so my kids don't pick up on my biases and so it won't reinforce the differences their brain is recognizing.
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FAQ
How many episodes does Parental Development have?
Parental Development currently has 124 episodes available.
What topics does Parental Development cover?
The podcast is about Parents, Society & Culture, Parenting, Kids & Family, Podcasts, Relationships, Kids and Children.
What is the most popular episode on Parental Development?
The episode title 'Climb Every Mountain' is the most popular.
What is the average episode length on Parental Development?
The average episode length on Parental Development is 42 minutes.
How often are episodes of Parental Development released?
Episodes of Parental Development are typically released every 7 days.
When was the first episode of Parental Development?
The first episode of Parental Development was released on Sep 26, 2021.
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