Mental Health

06/08/22 • 47 min

Mental health has been thrust into the national conversation over the last few weeks, often leading to suggestions, ideas, and conclusions from people who do not work in the field and have no experience with the system. This episode does not involve much about parenting, but Leah provides some education and insight into the system and possible solutions moving forward.
There is a difference between mental health and mental illness. We all need to focus on our mental health and wellness, and how we feel, manage stress, emotions, and behaviors, while mental illness suggests a formal diagnosis and an identifiable issue that should be addressed and/or treated.
Currently there are not enough mental health providers to meet the need for the mental health of kids and adults in our communities. There are also issues related to insurance - covering mental health benefits, low reimbursement rates, making decisions about treatment, etc.
As mental health providers, we are not responsible simply for public safety. The number one consideration as a mental health provider is confidentiality and it trumps almost everything, making decisions about hospitalization, calling the police, etc. extremely difficult and nuanced. Safety is one of the only things that trumps confidentiality, but only in the moment and only in very specific instances.
No matter what our proposed solutions are to these big issues, it's important that we remember that we all have the same goals and have positive intentions.
Leah's opinion is that the majority of these violent, aggressive kids and adults are the result of significant attachment disruptions, including generational ruptures with limited repair. This leads to a need for power and control, which often leads to aggression toward animals and young children. It's not helpful to refer to these people as 'monsters' or 'evil,' because they didn't start this way, and until we focus on how that developed and got to that point through their experiences, we miss the opportunity to make changes.
These types of conversations do not help fight the stigma associated with mental illness, because the majority of people with a mental health diagnosis are not violent or aggressive. There are some potential solutions or improvements that could be made within our current systems to start this work, but the conversations are really hard. Hopefully this episode gives some places for us to start.
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Previous Episode

Hard Conversations

It's been a really challenging week for all of us, and many of us are questioning how to talk to our kids about some of the really hard things going on in our world. This episode talks through some of those concerns and gives some thoughts and suggestions on how to approach this.
Like most things, the degree to which you talk to your kids about certain topics or situations depends on their age. If you do decide to start a conversation, here are some suggestions and things to think through:

Ask them what they know - this will let you know what information they have and what their perspective is about the situation, which can help you know where to start, what information you need to share or clarify, and how you can best support them.
Don't assume your kid's silence means they're ok or they haven't heard anything about the situation
Follow their lead - their behavior will tell you when they're done, when they've had enough, and when they're ready to talk more

Specifics of these conversations can be so tricky, and it's important for us to approach them in a safe, supportive way. We discuss some additional suggestions and things to consider:

Manage your own feelings - it's ok to show emotion, but we also need to remain steady
Validate their feelings - feelings, thoughts, responses - even if they sound inappropriate or unhealthy
Be honest and answer all their questions - once you open the window, you need to answer as many of their questions as you can. You can't shut down the conversation as it starts to get hard
Insert Cues of Safety - focus on schedules, positive interactions, attunement, connected relationships, etc.

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Next Episode

Sibling Rivalry

When our kids fight with one another it can be so draining and super challenging to know what to do in those moments. This episode talks through ideas for how to intervene and help our kids develop skills.
Our kids' first exposure to developing social skills is their relationship with their siblings. This gives them the opportunity to practice their skills in conflict resolution, apologizing, empathy, etc. This means that the fighting our kids engage in with one another is completely normal and can even be healthy, as they being to practice and learn these new skills.
When our kids fight, it's our opportunity to teach skills, so we shouldn't intervene every time. You might say something like, "You guys need to figure it out." This is really challenging and triggers many of us as parents pretty quickly.
Punishment often doesn't work to address the issue with fighting, because it doesn't teach our kids new skills to avoid fighting with their sibling. Many times fighting is an attempt to get attention from a caregiver, communicating they need help, attunement, attention, etc.
Be careful to not always intervene for the younger/smaller child, to avoid identifying the older one as the bad, mean, problematic one. It can also put the younger child into a victim role, causing them to cause mistreatment to get caretaking and attention from parents.
It's important to avoid seeing our kids as manipulative, which usually only means they're doing what they need to do to get their needs met. We have often trained them to know how to get what they want, which can feel like we are being manipulated, but it's simply them getting their needs met. We always want to chase the function behind the behavior instead of focusing on the behavior itself.
If fighting is increasing your home, you can try cooperative games, like this, this, or this. You might also think about spending extra time with each other, putting activities in the car to keep them occupied, listening to recorded stories, etc.
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We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to [email protected]!!

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