Sibling Rivalry

06/15/22 • 46 min

When our kids fight with one another it can be so draining and super challenging to know what to do in those moments. This episode talks through ideas for how to intervene and help our kids develop skills.
Our kids' first exposure to developing social skills is their relationship with their siblings. This gives them the opportunity to practice their skills in conflict resolution, apologizing, empathy, etc. This means that the fighting our kids engage in with one another is completely normal and can even be healthy, as they being to practice and learn these new skills.
When our kids fight, it's our opportunity to teach skills, so we shouldn't intervene every time. You might say something like, "You guys need to figure it out." This is really challenging and triggers many of us as parents pretty quickly.
Punishment often doesn't work to address the issue with fighting, because it doesn't teach our kids new skills to avoid fighting with their sibling. Many times fighting is an attempt to get attention from a caregiver, communicating they need help, attunement, attention, etc.
Be careful to not always intervene for the younger/smaller child, to avoid identifying the older one as the bad, mean, problematic one. It can also put the younger child into a victim role, causing them to cause mistreatment to get caretaking and attention from parents.
It's important to avoid seeing our kids as manipulative, which usually only means they're doing what they need to do to get their needs met. We have often trained them to know how to get what they want, which can feel like we are being manipulated, but it's simply them getting their needs met. We always want to chase the function behind the behavior instead of focusing on the behavior itself.
If fighting is increasing your home, you can try cooperative games, like this, this, or this. You might also think about spending extra time with each other, putting activities in the car to keep them occupied, listening to recorded stories, etc.
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Previous Episode

Mental Health

Mental health has been thrust into the national conversation over the last few weeks, often leading to suggestions, ideas, and conclusions from people who do not work in the field and have no experience with the system. This episode does not involve much about parenting, but Leah provides some education and insight into the system and possible solutions moving forward.
There is a difference between mental health and mental illness. We all need to focus on our mental health and wellness, and how we feel, manage stress, emotions, and behaviors, while mental illness suggests a formal diagnosis and an identifiable issue that should be addressed and/or treated.
Currently there are not enough mental health providers to meet the need for the mental health of kids and adults in our communities. There are also issues related to insurance - covering mental health benefits, low reimbursement rates, making decisions about treatment, etc.
As mental health providers, we are not responsible simply for public safety. The number one consideration as a mental health provider is confidentiality and it trumps almost everything, making decisions about hospitalization, calling the police, etc. extremely difficult and nuanced. Safety is one of the only things that trumps confidentiality, but only in the moment and only in very specific instances.
No matter what our proposed solutions are to these big issues, it's important that we remember that we all have the same goals and have positive intentions.
Leah's opinion is that the majority of these violent, aggressive kids and adults are the result of significant attachment disruptions, including generational ruptures with limited repair. This leads to a need for power and control, which often leads to aggression toward animals and young children. It's not helpful to refer to these people as 'monsters' or 'evil,' because they didn't start this way, and until we focus on how that developed and got to that point through their experiences, we miss the opportunity to make changes.
These types of conversations do not help fight the stigma associated with mental illness, because the majority of people with a mental health diagnosis are not violent or aggressive. There are some potential solutions or improvements that could be made within our current systems to start this work, but the conversations are really hard. Hopefully this episode gives some places for us to start.
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We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to [email protected]!!
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Next Episode

No Quitting

Parents often ask if they should let their kids quit sports, clubs, lessons, etc. We fear that if we let them quit they'll be quitters forever and never learn to work hard. In this episode, Leah and Beka talk through their thoughts on this and ways to teach these skills.
All skills are taught:
Gradually over time
Through Multiple repetitions
With Several different inputs
It's important, as always to chase the why when your kids' behavior changes. Understanding WHY your kid wants to quit something, and forcing them to continue doing it anyway sends the message their reason doesn't matter.
We often worry that by letting our kids quit, they'll never learn how to be uncomfortable, push through hard things, fulfill their commitments, or be determined. There are ways to teach our kids determination and commitment without forcing them to keep going when they want to quit. We want them to listen to their bodies and honor how they're feeling. There will be time to teach them skills as they age.
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We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to [email protected]!!
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