Triggered

05/04/22 • 41 min

This episode covers a listener question about how to stay calm and regulated when our kids trigger us, including trauma triggers.
It's first important to differentiate typical triggers that bother us as parents and those that are related to traumatic memories. Typical behaviors that challenges us as parents include whining, hitting, throwing things, etc. and we talk through some ideas on how to address that behavior.
Trauma triggers are something different, and create a response in our nervous systems that makes it much harder to manage and respond appropriately. Ultimately, a trauma response happens when your system and brain believe you are in danger, so safety and survival are the ONLY goals. Sometimes this can lead to a flashback, which is not just a memory, but a re-experiencing of a traumatic experience. When this happens, any parenting is challenging, particularly this style of parenting that requires increased insight and regulation.
It is understandable and to be expected for parents to have to remove themselves from difficult situations whenever they are triggered. Some steps to help in these situations:
1. Leave the situation to regulate
2. Return and connect
3. Hold the boundary
A few extra tips to get regulated and activate your vagus nerve:
1. Gargling
2. Humming/Singing
3. Massage
4. Put cold water on your face
5. Deep, audible breathing
You can find more information about these activities here, here, or here.
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Previous Episode

On the Same Page

This has been the most asked question we've ever received: How do I get my partner/spouse on board with this style of parenting?
Research has demonstrated there are generally four different types of parenting, based on differing levels of demandingness and responsiveness. Research has also shown that an authoritative style of parenting generally leads to the most positive outcomes in our children, such as school achievement, social skills, depression, delinquency, and more.
Leah does a deep dive into a research study that looks at the impacts of parents having different styles, and how that impacts various outcomes for children. This study found that families with 2 authoritative parents had kids with the lowest levels of depression and highest levels of school commitment. This suggests that the effects of authoritative parenting is amplified when adopted by both parents.
It's important that parents are on the same page about important topics and styles of addressing behavior and responding to their kids. This is important not just because of the research that 2 authoritative parents are best, but because we don't want our kids to learn to triangulate us to get their way or pit us against one another.
If you're struggling with your partner and different styles of parenting, try to understand their concerns or what they're afraid of and start to talk through what agreements you might be able to reach together. Then, try to determine how your partner is motivated; by emotions (share your why, use stories) or logic and reasoning (share research, statistics, books, podcasts).
Ultimately, give your partner grace. This is a huge shift that goes against many societal norms and requires shifts in thinking and understanding, whihc can take time and may not look the same for everyone.
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We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to [email protected]!!
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Next Episode

Little Liars

We all want to raise honest kids and when they lie it can be really hard to know how to respond or what to do!
Lying is a very normal part of child development and there are lots of reasons they engage in this type of behavior. Here are some reasons kids are dishonest:
1. They can't separate fantasy from reality
2. They're trying to relate to others
3. They're projecting their feelings onto other people
4. It doesn't feel safe to tell the truth
Ultimately, we can't control what comes out of our kids' mouths, even if it's dishonest. Making someone admit they lied does not then make them be honest. Our kids' behavior is always trying to communicate something, even when they're lying. What are they trying to tell us?
If we want our kids to be honest with us, we have to let them know our relationship won't change, even when they're dishonest.
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We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to [email protected]!!
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