Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

In this webinar, CSAT therapist Jon Taylor offers a high-level overview of Attachment Theory, how it manifests as maturity in a relationship, and how it impacts sex addiction and betrayal trauma recovery. Jon and Tami then answer questions about attachment theory's role in creating strong relationships.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:55] The role of attachment theory in addiction recovery.

[1:58] The history and research of attachment theory.

[7:02] Emotions and comfort are not a luxury, they are a necessity.

[8:20] Maturity in a relationship is not making one another responsible for your attachment deficits.

[9:35] Patterns in baseline attachment styles.

[13:20] Recent findings in attachment theory.

[15:50] What does attachment theory teach about maturity in relationships?

[19:20] How does attachment style apply to couples in recovery?

[23:18] Contemplating real loss and forgiveness in recovery.

[27:40] How can I navigate trauma in a way that doesn’t traumatize my children?

[29:55] Attachment and personality grow out of temperament, but presentation can change over time.

[35:04] Attachment explains everything, but it’s not the answer to everything.

[36:10] As a partner, how can I preserve our progress and disengage early in the negative cycle?

[39:22] How can I overcome my attachment style to create a stronger marriage?

[43:51] How long should an SA be in treatment before making a long term relationship decision?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “It’s one of the most annoying parts of therapy, but it really does all come back to mom and dad.”
• “Part of attachment theory is understanding that emotions and comfort are not a luxury, they are a necessity.”
• “Maturity in a relationship is not making one another responsible for your attachment deficits.”
• “Attachment theory is important but it does not totally dictate how we can and must show up in our relationships.”
• “For maturity to take place, we have to learn how to control our impulses.”
• “Attachment explains everything, but it’s not the answer to everything.”

In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of sex and pornography, and how these addictions create dysregulation in the dopamine rewards system. Scott and Tami also answer participant questions about the difference between habits and addictions and timelines in recovery.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:10] The dopamine system craves rewards and pleasure.

[3:41] The danger of manipulating the dopamine system with addictions.

[6:13] Sexual fantasy delivers a high that is much cheaper than drugs, but just as dangerous.

[6:47] As a self-adjusting and self-healing organ, the brain senses when things are going wrong, but addicts respond by consuming even more.

[10:15] The downregulated brain will always win when chasing a higher high.

[15:26] How long does it take to reset a dysregulated dopamine system?

[16:12] Rerouting the pathways that addiction creates in our brains.

[19:05] Addicts are so focused on acting out that they aren’t paying attention to what they’re missing out on.

[21:51] People who pass the one year mark are much likelier to stay sober for the rest of their lives.

[23:18] Does the brain magically reset?

[24:01] Can sex addicts actually change?

[27:01] My addict husband doesn’t have any problem performing multiple times a day, how is that even possible?

[27:53] Why do I continue to lie to my partner when I know it’s causing her pain?

[32:35] My addictions and ADHD medication have dysregulated my system. What are my options?

[34:11] How can my partner keep relapsing when he promises me he won’t?

[39:36] How can I help my partner who is on the spectrum?

[40:25] How long does someone need sobriety before they can work on trauma?

[44:26] Can we incorporate specific sex acts into our relationship during recovery?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “There’s a reason we have a dopamine system. It’s part of our survival.”
• “The problem with addictions is that we can manipulate the dopamine system.”
• “For addicts, it’s much more about the hunt than the actual sex act.”
• “We have created a chemical imbalance in our brain through our addictions.”
• “Addicts are so focused on acting out that we’re not paying attention to what we’re missing out on.”
• “Once my brain reset I had no interest in going back to the misery.”
• “Addicts chase pleasure as a way of really avoiding pain.”

Dr. Rob and Tami consider the timeline many couples face when traveling the road of recovery – how and when does it make sense to connect intimately again? Too often the addicted partner is ready to move into the future without allowing appropriate time for healing from the pain and betrayal of the past. How can couples recover and reconcile together in healthy and healing ways?

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:27] I’m turned on by women that look nothing like my wife. What does this mean about my arousal template?

[4:30] Even models are made to feel like they are the wrong ‘type’. This isn’t about you, it’s about the broken person that is hurting you.

[6:51] It’s been 39 years without emotional intimacy. I need guidelines for living as married singles.

[10:20] Why now? Consider what is prompting you to make a major change now.

[17:34] Integrity issues are still a major problem. How can I enjoy intimacy again?

[22:58] Setting boundaries for healthy sexuality and better communication.

[26:45] Self-loathing and repulsion is a common side effect of acting out.

[29:12] How can I help support my spouse through my recovery?

[38:39] I’m open to reconciling, but he’s accusing me of still living in the past. Is this manipulation?

[44:35] Hurt spouses are often just looking to be heard and supported for a change.

[45:55] Why is my partner’s sex persona online nothing like his real life personality?

[50:05] What your partner is doing is not as important as the level of safety that you deserve to feel.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “We have to separate addiction from arousal. People have lots of fantasies that they don’t act on.”
• “It is challenging as a recovering partner to have your spouse not be focused on you.”
• “You are never, ever, ever, ever responsible for the behavior of the addict.”
• “I may feel entitled to have sex, but going and doing it is just acting out.”
• “You don’t get a gold star for not doing what you weren’t supposed to do in the first place.”
• “I want you to see reality clearly and without judgement.”

Dr. Tami is joined by Kristen Snowden, a licensed trauma therapist who works with addicts and their betrayed partners. Kristen shares questions for the betrayed to ask themselves when working through the process of deciding whether to stay or go. Shame, hurt and fear can accompany the choice to leave just as persistently as it can for someone who chooses to stay, and her questions can help the betrayed find clarity in the face of this life-altering decision.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] Blame and shame accompany the choice to stay as well as the choice to leave.

[6:45] Practical considerations that face the betrayed partner who is thinking about leaving.

[10:17] Are you suffering any physical or emotional abuse by choosing to stay?

[11:50] How has staying with your partner affected your physical and mental health?

[13:45] Has your partner ever voluntarily come clean about their addiction? Are they making any effort toward their progress?

[15:50] What does your support network look like?

[18:46] What is your financial situation?

[19:45] Are there children involved in your relationship?

[20:52] Are any of your needs being met in this relationship? Are you able to stay aligned to your own values and goals?

[22:09] Have other boundaries failed to work up to this point? Would leaving help your partner realize the gravity of their actions?

[24:12] Is there a foundation of love, hope, and respect in this relationship?

[27:58] The right frame of mind to help you decide whether to stay or go.

[33:06] How can I anticipate what my partner needs as we heal together?

[38:23] Is it manipulation when my partner only says what I want to hear rather than taking real accountability for what they’ve done?

[43:01] Am I enabling my partner by choosing not to divorce him for the sake of the kids?

[49:34] My husband is inconsistent about recovery. How can we move toward healing?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “If you find yourself stressed and overwhelmed and feeling like you need to leave, remember that more likely than not, you don’t have to make that decision today.”
• “Ask yourself, how has staying with your partner impacted your physical and mental health?”
• “You need to surround yourself with supportive people to help you move through the crisis into a state of figuring out how to move forward.”
• “Could your leaving be enough of a consequence to shake your partner awake?”
• “Your partner gets to decide whether they want recovery. They have choices.”

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss some of the most common questions about relapse, including triggers, timing, and mental health considerations. They also address questions about fairness in affairs, the role of grief in recovery and healing, and when it’s time to stop worrying about your partner and start loving yourself.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] My partner started dating after our divorce, and now we are back together. Was she cheating?

[8:15] Resources for couples who don’t know how to move beyond the pain.

[11:10] Useful tools for those facing relapse.

[13:20] Handling the triggers that are associated with relapse and entitlement.

[18:24] If I am constantly objectifying or moving into fantasy about someone else, does that mean I’m slipping?

[24:17] Learning to function in reality is the work of recovery.

[26:24] Create a plan when you find yourself headed back toward acting out.

[30:28] The four most dangerous words for an addict – “I can handle it.”

[30:50] Am I stuck in victim mode like my spouse says I am?

[37:00] Empathy and compassion is central to recovery. When that is lacking there is a great chance that the addicted partner is relapsing.

[38:50] My husband has been plotting his back-ups, including with my sister. Where do I go from here?

[42:25] My husband is attracted to my female therapist. What should I do about it?

[48:05] My partner had an eight-year affair. Does he love her more than me?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “What your wife did while you were divorced is not your problem. Your problem is how can we have clarity and new commitments moving forward.”
• “Relapse doesn’t just happen at the moment that the action happen. It happens when you gave yourself permission along the way.”
• “It’s much easier to make the right decisions when you have a plan.”
• “Learning to live in reality is the work of recovery.”
• “The four most dangerous words for an addict – ‘I can handle it’.”