How Can I Prevent Relapse?
12/26/24 • 58 min
Dr. Rob and Tami discuss some of the most common questions about relapse, including triggers, timing, and mental health considerations. They also address questions about fairness in affairs, the role of grief in recovery and healing, and when it’s time to stop worrying about your partner and start loving yourself.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:30] My partner started dating after our divorce, and now we are back together. Was she cheating?
[8:15] Resources for couples who don’t know how to move beyond the pain.
[11:10] Useful tools for those facing relapse.
[13:20] Handling the triggers that are associated with relapse and entitlement.
[18:24] If I am constantly objectifying or moving into fantasy about someone else, does that mean I’m slipping?
[24:17] Learning to function in reality is the work of recovery.
[26:24] Create a plan when you find yourself headed back toward acting out.
[30:28] The four most dangerous words for an addict – “I can handle it.”
[30:50] Am I stuck in victim mode like my spouse says I am?
[37:00] Empathy and compassion is central to recovery. When that is lacking there is a great chance that the addicted partner is relapsing.
[38:50] My husband has been plotting his back-ups, including with my sister. Where do I go from here?
[42:25] My husband is attracted to my female therapist. What should I do about it?
[48:05] My partner had an eight-year affair. Does he love her more than me?
RESOURCES:
Email Tami: [email protected]
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
QUOTES
- “What your wife did while you were divorced is not your problem. Your problem is how can we have clarity and new commitments moving forward.”
- “Relapse doesn’t just happen at the moment that the action happen. It happens when you gave yourself permission along the way.”
- “It’s much easier to make the right decisions when you have a plan.”
- “Learning to live in reality is the work of recovery.”
- “The four most dangerous words for an addict – ‘I can handle it’.”
Dr. Rob and Tami discuss some of the most common questions about relapse, including triggers, timing, and mental health considerations. They also address questions about fairness in affairs, the role of grief in recovery and healing, and when it’s time to stop worrying about your partner and start loving yourself.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:30] My partner started dating after our divorce, and now we are back together. Was she cheating?
[8:15] Resources for couples who don’t know how to move beyond the pain.
[11:10] Useful tools for those facing relapse.
[13:20] Handling the triggers that are associated with relapse and entitlement.
[18:24] If I am constantly objectifying or moving into fantasy about someone else, does that mean I’m slipping?
[24:17] Learning to function in reality is the work of recovery.
[26:24] Create a plan when you find yourself headed back toward acting out.
[30:28] The four most dangerous words for an addict – “I can handle it.”
[30:50] Am I stuck in victim mode like my spouse says I am?
[37:00] Empathy and compassion is central to recovery. When that is lacking there is a great chance that the addicted partner is relapsing.
[38:50] My husband has been plotting his back-ups, including with my sister. Where do I go from here?
[42:25] My husband is attracted to my female therapist. What should I do about it?
[48:05] My partner had an eight-year affair. Does he love her more than me?
RESOURCES:
Email Tami: [email protected]
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
QUOTES
- “What your wife did while you were divorced is not your problem. Your problem is how can we have clarity and new commitments moving forward.”
- “Relapse doesn’t just happen at the moment that the action happen. It happens when you gave yourself permission along the way.”
- “It’s much easier to make the right decisions when you have a plan.”
- “Learning to live in reality is the work of recovery.”
- “The four most dangerous words for an addict – ‘I can handle it’.”
Previous Episode
Triggers for Addicts and Partners
Every recovering addict has to face their triggers at some point. Triggers that are handled in a healthy way don’t result in regrettable behaviors, while unmanaged triggers can lead to additional pain and loss of trust. Seeking Integrity’s Scott Brassart joins Tami for a conversation about the nature of triggers and the options that addicts have when dealing with them. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on December 20, 2023.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:30] What are triggers? What happens when they are set off?
[2:04] Internal triggers relate to feelings such as fear, shame, loneliness, and boredom.
[4:06] External triggers include arguments, visual stimuli, unstructured free time and more.
[6:04] Not all triggers are negative, but all triggers elicit a response.
[7:04] Betrayed partners are often dealing with post-traumatic triggers.
[8:10] Step number one when feeling triggered – pause and figure out what you’re feeling.
[12:05] Triggers are simply data that you can use intentionally.
[15:23] Your partner is not always the best support person to turn to.
[18:13] The importance of gratitude when facing triggers.
[19:00] Being triggered can be considered a gift.
[24:37] People trigger me – am I even fit to be a partner?
[27:15] My sleep is affected by my trauma and pain. What can I do?
[36:25] Intimacy and anger avoidance both point to trauma and underlying pain.
[43:06] How can I manage my triggered feelings about the other addicts in my husband’s recovery group?
RESOURCES:
Email Tami: [email protected]
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
QUOTES
- “Triggers spin us into a cycle of something that we don’t want to be in.”
- “Triggers are normal for addicts, they’re normal for betrayed partners, they’re normal for people whose lives are perfect!”
- “All feelings are driven by needs – good feelings are met needs, bad feelings are unmet needs.”
- “Triggers lose power when they’re not rewarded.”
Next Episode
Identifying and Stopping the Gaslighting with Debbie McRae
Debbie McRae takes on a word that she hears daily in her practice – gaslighting. Why do sex and porn addicts gaslight, and what can their partners do about it? This webinar covers what exactly gaslighting is, what purpose it serves, what it might sound like, and what you can do about it.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:30] Gaslighting is a term that Debbie McRae hears every single day in her practice.
[1:21] Simple and clinical definitions of gaslighting and common dialogue used in gaslighting.
[5:13] Acknowledgement of the seriousness of an addiction means the addict would have to do something about it.
[6:19] Gaslighting partners are trying to avoid facing reality and avoid confrontation.
[8:01] Increased defensiveness and denial are common signs of gaslighting.
[9:10] Addicts often believe they are the exception to the rules.
[10:09] Shame and extended periods of getting away with gaslighting are common reasons addicts continue to gaslight.
[11:25] Gaslighters have a style – the intimidator, the good guy, and the glamor gaslighter.
[15:24] DARVO – deny, attack, reverse the victim and offender – aims to shift the blame off the addict.
[16:35] The danger of minimizing rather than validating, withholding, countering, diverting and discrediting, deflection and distraction, and stereotypical labeling.
[22:49] Using loving words and rewriting history are confusing ways to manipulate a hurt partner.
[24:30] How can you stop the gaslighting as an addict?
[28:18] What can the betrayed partner do about gaslighting?
[34:50] The importance of focusing on your own recovery.
[38:01] Is it normal that my spouse won’t even talk to me about his porn addiction?
[44:21] How much responsibility do I need to take for my addict partner’s behavior?
[48:35] Why does my partner blame me when I am blindsided by his behavior?
[52:44] How can I identify real abuse versus the mental illness that is adding to the issues?
[55:00] How can I handle my partner’s passive aggressive behavior?
RESOURCES:
Email Tami: [email protected]
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
QUOTES
- “Gaslighting is a power trip. People gaslight because it gives them power.”
- “Gaslighting keeps the betrayed partner constantly on their toes and on high alert.”
- “Gaslighting can be really hard for the betrayed partner to identify.”
- “Betrayed partners have superior memories because they are connected to the prefrontal cortex.”
- “If you are a liar, know that you are a gaslighter and you have to be honest with yourself.”
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