How Can I Rebuild Trust?

Email Tami: [email protected]

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

“If you choose to leave your partner, you don’t do it to make them do something differently.”
“While in recovery, we have to look at the world through a different lens.”
“Getting sober is not about not doing things.”
“If we’re not in recovery, we are not living in integrity. But if we’re willing to change, we can have an amazing life.”
“You cannot fix a problem with intimacy and connection and loneliness while the person is still acting out.”
“A spouses job is to take care of themselves, their self-care and their boundaries, not to focus on you.”
“Being honest takes practice if you’ve been lying forever.”

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior?

[6:43] I feel like I’m seeing the world through a different lens in recovery. Is this typical?

[10:33] How can I better understand my partner’s damage and betrayal trauma?

[14:04] I think my spouse is lying about his recovery and he failed his porn addiction test. Now what?

[22:45] What resources are available to learn more about addiction so I can better understand my loved one?

[27:02] I don’t trust my partner’s CSAT because of my history with unhelpful counselors. What can I do to improve our dynamic all around?

[33:25] What are some actionable ways I can rebuild trust with my betrayed partner?

[39:25] What is the best 12-Step recovery program for me?

[44:05] I can’t stop lying to my betrayed spouse. Is this a slippery slope back into addiction?

[51:16] My partner has multiple addictions and is compartmentalizing recovery. Is this the best approach?

RESOURCES:

Email Tami: [email protected]

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

“If you choose to leave your partner, you don’t do it to make them do something differently.”
“While in recovery, we have to look at the world through a different lens.”
“Getting sober is not about not doing things.”
“If we’re not in recovery, we are not living in integrity. But if we’re willing to change, we can have an amazing life.”
“You cannot fix a problem with intimacy and connection and loneliness while the person is still acting out.”
“A spouses job is to take care of themselves, their self-care and their boundaries, not to focus on you.”
“Being honest takes practice if you’ve been lying forever.”

Previous Episode

Defining and Meeting Needs and Wants

This week’s conversation features The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler. He answers questions about needs and wants, the role of sex in meeting relationship needs, and what partners can do to feel more securely attached to each other.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:24] Is disclosure always necessary?

[3:43] People in recovery often aren’t aware of what their needs truly are.

[6:42] What happens when we neglect our own needs in favor of others?

[9:36] Babies understand that making demands develops love.

[11:05] The danger of ignoring your needs during recovery.

[13:55] Is sex a need or is it a tool?

[17:40] Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner.

[22:53] Only one of the four categories of needs can be met in a partnership.

[27:10] The importance of relational agreements.

[30:08] Who holds all the cards in our relationship?

[35:57] I’m doing all the heavy lifting in our relationship, why should I meet his needs?

[42:10] The underlying needs behind sexual advancements.

[45:55] What do we need to explore that will feel fulfilling for both of us?

[49:50] How can I better receive my partner’s bids for attachment?

RESOURCES:

Email Tami: [email protected]

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

“Wants and needs are ultimately synonymous.”
“Both partners deserve to express and meet needs within the relationship.”
“Boundaries give the other person an opportunity to treat me to my needs.”
“Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner better.”
“The only category of needs that you can meet as a couple is relational.”
“Without trust in a relationship, you’re going to have a hard time with attachment.”

Next Episode

Should I Stay or Leave?

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the importance of combining sex and drug addictions in treatment and recovery, the danger of staying stuck in the rage phase, and who you have control over in healing and recovery (it’s you and only you!).

TAKEAWAYS:

[:55] Does ‘vanilla’ porn really affect our relationship? I don’t believe it’s hurting my partner.

[5:53] What are the major differences between sex addiction treatment/recovery and drug addiction treatment/recovery?

[12:25] The importance of tackling both sex and drugs in addiction treatment and recovery.

[15:40] I’m stuck in the rage phase - how can I decide to heal or leave?

[23:05] You cannot drag someone else into healing, but you can heal YOU.

[27:18] My partner is so ill that I can’t help him anymore. What do I do now?

[35:24] Why do so many CSATs coddle their patients?

[41:11] My partner recently uncovered childhood sexual trauma. What should come first - couples therapy or CSAT work?

[46:48] Can my partner pray his way out of addiction?

[49:35] Write this down - there is nothing I have ever done or am currently doing or will ever do to make my partner act out.

RESOURCES:

Email Tami: [email protected]