Here's What I Don't Get

A dark and stormy night. Lightning crashes in the distance. On the highest hill in the lands just outside a village in central Germany there is a man in a castle. In that castle there is a laboratory. Harnessing the power of the storm, an array of machinery in this lab is powered to do something unimaginable. As lightning strikes the tallest tower of the castle, it powers this demon machine and enters a slab of dead flesh held together by sutures and metal. As the nightmare is struck with the harnessed energy of a thousand suns, the unthinkable happens: the demonic mass of collected remains comes to life. Shambling around he searches for his master in order to fulfill his one mission. This decrepit mash of unholy science and the recently dead has but one thing on his mind. A single task to employ on everyone he meets. As he finds the one who created him, he extends his hands, starting the chain of events that will take over the entire castle, leaving the nearby town in tatters. The monster begins the time-long ritual that has taken over the mind of much more alive men as long as they've been able to. He does the mash. He does the monster mash.
* Not Available In Your Country
* Needing Celebrity Endorsement
* Only Playing the New Stuff
* Fauxmpkins

FIRST ISSUE DESCRIPTION HAS BEEN BLOCKED BY HWIDG STUDIOS LLC (EVEN THOUGH THIS CONTENT IS FREE AND MAY NOT EVEN BE LICENSED TO A SEPARATE COMPANY IN YOUR LOCATION).
There was a time when people didn't publicly display every aspect of their life nor was it expected. In fact it was looked down upon! Can you imagine that? Everyone just keeping their thoughts to themselves? Neither can I, because I've been dealt a barrage of the details of everyone's personal lives that I never asked for. That's 2020 for you. Everyone's got an opinion, and opinions are a lot like assholes. Everyone's got them, they usually stink, and before recently most people didn't go around showing them off to everyone.
A free concert in which the artist only performs their latest work is just a commercial. Sure, most people understand you've got to do some advertisement for the new stuff, that's why the tour exists in the first place. But you've got fans there to hear you, not just your material, so that includes the classics. This is the absolutely only time that the drunk guy yelling for your biggest hit as if you're not going to play it is correct.
Fake pumpkins are a lot like fake meat. It's an approximation of the real thing that has been created by science to placate white women. They're for entitled people that don't want to put the effort in to Halloween decorations but still want to fit in. Imagine going to a butcher's shop and asking for their vegan, pre-cooked, gluten-free, organic beef roast substitute. I'd say that butcher's got free reign to go Michael Myers on your pumpkin-spice drinking self.
All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Quarantine log day, forgotten, we’re on full blown coronatime. I haven’t showered in 4 days. I no longer own any pants. Food supplies are running low, fortunately the cat food is pretty tasty with a caprisun chaser. I have seen everything offered on Netflix, and can now confidently say, it’s all garbage. There were a few good new documentaries talking about,

Live Services
- Modelers
- Stopping the Bleach Drinkers
- Amazon

Long ago games were a one time purchase. You got your cartridge and you popped it in and that was it. Then a new age dawned and games started happening online. You could play with friends around the globe, but they couldn’t charge more for the game to keep the servers running, and DLC only went so far, and games as a service were born. Some games handled the transition really well, and some games were shoveled out messes that after just over a year have completely died. Nobody cares though, because if people were playing it wouldn’t be a dead service.

Models are cool, I have a massive jealousy for guys that have the patience and steady hands to take something they love and make a smaller version of it. Cars, Planes, Boats, Trains, even whole towns are made in model form. I would love to have a small fleet of in scale Enterprises from Star Trek to put on a shelf. Then there is the dark side of modeling, and like all the world’s evils it comes from Math. These guys are the types who make up numbers out of their asses for decades for the chance to get interviewed on CNN and sell their new book. The big difference, is while good modelers base their work on real world tangible examples, bad modelers base their work on ego.

Kung Flu was a gift to us, it was a chance to eliminate the number one ill in the universe, Old People. Too many grandma simps stood up and the boomer remover was stalled. The universe has its way of balancing out and it gave us a new chance. Now we have a chance, to eliminate all of the dumb people. We constantly as a society complain about the stupid people around us and how the world would be a better place without them. AND WE DIDN’T TAKE IT! Is this the world you want? Really? We are saving bleach drinkers now? Next thing they’ll be protesting erasing all debt as a one time amnesty, you morons.

Amazon is the single largest online shopping company on the planet. They literally have lockers installed in apartment buildings for deliveries, because they deliver as much stuff if not more than the regular post office. In these trying times, they are too busy patting themselves on the backs for doing nothing to put your stuff in a box and send it to you the way literally everything else on earth works. This could’ve been your big break, literally destroying all other companies, but instead you drank bleach.

All that plus who did Tim steal an issue from last week? voicemails and food news. Be sure to join in the discussion on DISCORD, support the show at PATREON, NEW PROJECT 2, or go BUY A SHIRT! Thanks for listening!

Well, as we wade knee-deep into winter, HWIDG is here to keep you warm. Come in from the cold. Put this blanket around your shoulders and cup this mug of cocoa near the fire. Don’t mind me, a handsome Scottish man that seduced you recently deceased grandmother, and don’t pay attention to the green-lightning storm outside, everything will be fine as long as you’re here with me. Now, let us become one as you let yourself forget about:

Updates for Outdated Tech
* Trolley Question
* Rules for Thee But Not for Me
* Exclusives

NOTIFICATION: NEW ANDROID UPDATE AVAILABLE. REQUIRES 46.7GB OF INTERNAL SPACE. YOU ONLY HAVE 0.07GB OF FREE SPACE WOULD YOU LIKE TO DELETE SOME FILES TO MAKE ROOM FOR THIS UPDATE? WHAT? OH. I’M SORRY, THIS APPEARS TO BE A 1989 SONY WALKMAN, NOT A MODERN SMART PHONE.

Quick! Everyone and everything you love is on one side of a trolley track. The other side is filled with people you hate, and self-confessed children molesters. WHICH WAY DO YOU MAKE THE TROLLEY GO?! OH IT’S SO HARD TO CHOOSE! HUMAN LIFE IS SO PRECIOUS, I COULDN’T POSSIBLY CHOOSE THE SELFISH CHOICE. Bam! Philosophy! Take that, Socrates.

With my slight modicum of power I now stand over many a helpless serf and have no choice in the matter but to define the following terms of law: I, YOUR MIGHTY KING AM TO BE PAID ONLY IN THE FINEST PLATINUM PHALLUSES. ALL OTHER SERFS ARE TO BE PAID IN THE STANDARD STEEL BEAMS TO BE MELTED DOWN INTO CURRENCY YOURSELF! I, THE KING MAY DRINKETH OF ALL MY WINE WHIL I HOLD COURT, BUT THE SERFS SHALL NOT DRINK LEST FOR THE HOURS OF 4:12 to 4:13 AM, AND ONLY THEN MAY THEY DRINK THE HIDEOUS CONOCTION KNOWN AS THE BUD LIGHT CLAMATO MICHELADA.

Guess what, I paid for this 400 dollar box, and I get to shoot these alien/demon/zombies that you don’t! Y-yeah? Well I bought the *other* 400 dollar box and I can race cars SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU CAN! OH YEAH? WELL, FOR THE LOW PRICE OF SEVENTY DOLLARS A YEAR I CAN PLAY MY GAMES WITH OTHER PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD THAT ALSO HAVE THEIR BOXES CONNECTED TO THE WORLD WIDE WEB, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? WELL, I CAN DO THAT TOO, BUT ALSO, I GET FREE GAMES FROM 2-3 YEARS AGO. SUCK IT.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

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Glamour! Glitz! The taste of Tinseltown is in the air, so roll out the red carpet for this star-studded episode of Here's What I Don't Get! All your favorite celebrities are here: Tab, occasionally Tim, and Not Todd! But now, it's time for the ceremonies. Let's start with the most important award, Best Issue. This week there have been dozens of great issues, but the four best are nominated tonight. Here are the nominees for Best Issue:

Movie Budget Inflation
* Oscars over Razzies
* Feeding the Monster
* No Tours

Big budgets means big flops. Crazy how some Hollywood studios haven’t learned this yet. It’s like gambling. If you go into the casino a couple times a year with a couple thousand to spend each time, sure you’ll hit that jackpot eventually, but odds are that it equates to the debt you know have from all the previous attempts. But, if you go in there with a couple of bucks, write off those losses as tax deductible, find the game you’re good at and ride that out to a couple hundred million, no one bats an eye if you come in next time with a bit more money to spend.

If there’s so many ‘problems’ with the Oscars how come all these people still spend 4 hours watching it? In this day and age of online cynicism and dunking on bad takes, how come The Razzies aren’t bigger than The Oscars? You get to take a poop on bad movies and it’s all in good fun, plenty of humble celebrities have even shown up in person to accept their terrible statues. They’re got no biases except against Hollywood itself. You can be white, gay, black, trans, or all of the above and if you make a bad movie you’re still going down.

Look, the master eats everyone eventually. Some people get absolutely mangled. Just torn to shreds. Having to live their life in secrecy, nary to be heard from again. That’s because that person fed the monster each time they could. More and more. And when the monster finally saw the person face-to-face, and that had nothing to give? Well, that was it. But the ones who get out with just a scratch, and keep on going. Well, the monster expected nothing from them, so it didn’t take anything. Or they were rich enough to pay it off.

What is wrong with venue promoters in Oklahoma that we can’t get decent music acts to stop here but once every four or five tours? We’re no Chicago or NYC I understand, but when there’s towns with populations of 15,000 on a 50-stop megaton I’ve really go to stop and wonder. We’ve upended a large part of our downtown and made it the new hotspot just for this reason! But they’ve got to basically give Pitbull tickets out for free because no one WANTS TO HEAR HIS PART OF EVERY POP SONG HE POPS UP ON.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Welcome to another freezing episode of HWIDG. We’re snowed in now, schools are all closed, roads are icy, and noses are rosy. The weatherman said the blizzard dropped 46 inches of snow over our heads, a new record! Wait, what? He said four to six inches? And we didn’t even get that? Great, what am I going to do with all these bread and milk sandwiches, then?! I guess I can scarf them down while listening to a couple of jerks whine about:

Playing "What's this Commercial For?"
* Iowa Caucuses
* Download Limits
* Virus Fearmongering

EXT. WIDE. ALL-AMERICAN SUBURBAN HOUSE. A white picket fence and a golden Labrador stand guard against any outside intruders while FATHER and JENNY build a swings on the well-manicured front lawn. MOTHER swings open the cherry-red front door with glasses of freshly-squeezed lemonade and sandwiches for everyone. PUSH IN as the clouds suddenly darken and the skies turn grey. A sudden downpour has ruined their fun. FATHER scrambles to cover everything with a tarp, but can barely stand due to the gale-force winds. CLOSE on Jenny as she has an idea. She grabs one of MOTHER’S sandwiches. Tuna salad with a pink-hued sauce. She takes a bite, and her head turns red then explodes into a bloody pulp. MOTHER and FATHER scream in agony and terror. FADE OUT. LOGO. (V.O.) “New from Hellman’s. Ghost Pepper Mayo. Be Bold.”

You’d think we’d have come up with a better way to count votes than standing in taped-out floor squares and yelling at each other why “my guy” is more socialist than yours, or loves America more. It doesn’t take much, hell runners have the photo finish now. It’s been expanded upon as technology has improved and now we have ultra high speed cameras to make exactly sure what the outcome is. It’s not just a volunteer dude staring at the finish line, shoving the other team’s guy for the best vantage point. Oh, but you say, there was an app this time. Yeah, well how did that work out?

Can you imagine paying your water bill, then getting it turned off 3/4 of the way through the month because you used “too much” of it? Not during a drought, or war time, in fact water has never been more plentiful in this occasion. Or you go to a fast food joint and they say hey, we have free drinks today. You say awesome, grab a cup and fill it with your favorite beverage. Then halfway through an employee karate chops you in the throat mid-gulp and yells at you for having too much of the free soda.

You’re dead. Snow’s coming, guy all the perishable goods or you’ll die. Heat wave’s coming, stay under a fan or you’re dead. Murders are up 12% compared to this time last year, you’re dead. Flu season’s coming up, get your shot or you’re dead. CORONA VIRUS ALERT. THE CORONA VIRUS WILL KILL YOU AND REANIMATE YOU AS A ZOMBIE FORCING A LOVED ONE TO TEARFULLY KILL YOU AGAIN. WE REPEAT THE CORONA VIRUS CAN KILL YOU TWICE. Now back to Cheryl with today’s big Saver’s Tip, Cheryl? Cheryl? Oh god, NO. I’m so sorry Cheryl, but the CORONAVIRUS IS MAKING ME DO THIS.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!