Here's What I Don't Get

A dark and stormy night. Lightning crashes in the distance. On the highest hill in the lands just outside a village in central Germany there is a man in a castle. In that castle there is a laboratory. Harnessing the power of the storm, an array of machinery in this lab is powered to do something unimaginable. As lightning strikes the tallest tower of the castle, it powers this demon machine and enters a slab of dead flesh held together by sutures and metal. As the nightmare is struck with the harnessed energy of a thousand suns, the unthinkable happens: the demonic mass of collected remains comes to life. Shambling around he searches for his master in order to fulfill his one mission. This decrepit mash of unholy science and the recently dead has but one thing on his mind. A single task to employ on everyone he meets. As he finds the one who created him, he extends his hands, starting the chain of events that will take over the entire castle, leaving the nearby town in tatters. The monster begins the time-long ritual that has taken over the mind of much more alive men as long as they've been able to. He does the mash. He does the monster mash.
* Not Available In Your Country
* Needing Celebrity Endorsement
* Only Playing the New Stuff
* Fauxmpkins

FIRST ISSUE DESCRIPTION HAS BEEN BLOCKED BY HWIDG STUDIOS LLC (EVEN THOUGH THIS CONTENT IS FREE AND MAY NOT EVEN BE LICENSED TO A SEPARATE COMPANY IN YOUR LOCATION).
There was a time when people didn't publicly display every aspect of their life nor was it expected. In fact it was looked down upon! Can you imagine that? Everyone just keeping their thoughts to themselves? Neither can I, because I've been dealt a barrage of the details of everyone's personal lives that I never asked for. That's 2020 for you. Everyone's got an opinion, and opinions are a lot like assholes. Everyone's got them, they usually stink, and before recently most people didn't go around showing them off to everyone.
A free concert in which the artist only performs their latest work is just a commercial. Sure, most people understand you've got to do some advertisement for the new stuff, that's why the tour exists in the first place. But you've got fans there to hear you, not just your material, so that includes the classics. This is the absolutely only time that the drunk guy yelling for your biggest hit as if you're not going to play it is correct.
Fake pumpkins are a lot like fake meat. It's an approximation of the real thing that has been created by science to placate white women. They're for entitled people that don't want to put the effort in to Halloween decorations but still want to fit in. Imagine going to a butcher's shop and asking for their vegan, pre-cooked, gluten-free, organic beef roast substitute. I'd say that butcher's got free reign to go Michael Myers on your pumpkin-spice drinking self.
All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

The time has come. Far too long has "Big Podcast" had a hand in what HWIDG says. Remember the debacle that was Episode 180? Well, the shackles have been broken and it is time for us to #ReleaseTheSeidelCut. That's right, from now on the podcast will be edited by Todd and it will be a 4+ hour extravaganza! No more childish humor, no more feel-good voicemails, it's time for heady topics, grow room tips, and ska, a lot of ska. So get on your knees TRUE HWIDG fans, for your savior is here and his name is Todd and he brings:

Seatbelt Propaganda
* Campers
* Otherkin
* Songs That Are Too Good

Buckle up. Click it or ticket. What happens to naughty little kids that don't? Look at this picture of a kid with half of hid face missing! That's what happens! Luckily, the windshield's glass will probably nick your carotid artery as you fly through it, so you won't be in pain that long. Remember, typical emergency response is 10 minutes! And that's if someone even sees you crash! It's likely you'll be locked in your overturned, burning SUV for what seems like an eternity as the fire grows stronger, and you choke on the fumes, rendering you unconscious until the fiery pain of sixth-degree burns wake you. You didn't even know those existed did you? Well you would've if you just buckled up.

Imagine the smug 13 year-old with the best gun in the game, hiding in the corner of the map, in just the right spot, waiting for you to spawn in front of him. Don't you want to literally murder him? You've got nothing to do, now summer's over, you little twerp. Other people still have work and stuff You get to spend all day playing and finding your little camping spots. I just want to unwind after a long day, and i've got to deal with your BS. Honestly, the game should record your voice chat and send it to your mother. I bet you wouldn't ask her to s*** your g******* d**** and f**** on your c******.

Wouldn't you want to fly? To be a majestic eagle on the wind, with the freedom to go wherever, whenever, to swoop down to a lake and catch a fresh fish for dinner? To soar to new-OH. You're dead. Yeah, some rich jackass just shot you and is going to see what Kentucky Fried Eagle tastes like. Well, that wasn't so great, but that doesn't happen to every eagle, right? Sure, let's try again, you're flying through the air, but WHOOSH-you get sucked into a plane propeller and sliced to bits. But that's a freak accident right? Sure. Let's say you avoid those manmade accidents. You live for a wonderful 20 years. You're a strong, healthy head of your bird troop or whatever, but OOPS you just got bit by a snake. That's life. It's fast and cruel.

The problem with some songs is that they're too good. They find their way into your head and they wriggle around in there until it drives you insane. And listening to it does nothing but perpetuate the cycle! And it makes all other music sound like children's lullabies. How dare you make music this good? What gives you the right to mess with my brain like that?

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Quarantine Day 962: Being King of New Canada is not all lollipops and poutine, contrary what you may have heard. The serfs are never happy with what I graciously give them. Other lands could never afford to pay their peoples such a large sum of 1,200 caps. Frequent assassination attempts mean I must be on watch at all times. I must even have my most trusted assistants test my food and drink. Despite all this, I have brought my glorious nation from the brink of destruction to one of the top powers in this wasteland. People come from all around just for a taste of what stands for cutting-edge technology and freedom on this planet now known as Apocalyptia. Til the morrow, King Handlebreaker out.

Secret Hitler
* No Contact Delivery
* $1,200
* The Re-acquaintancing Period

Shhhhhhh. They're all around us. They could be anyone. They could be your neighbor, sweet Miss Clementine. Or your co-worker Bill. Maybe even your own PARENTS. They're all around us, secretly plotting our demise, and attempting to take over our country bit by bit. Only recently have scientists found a way to identify who these Secret Hitlers are, but this information was suppressed by their evil ways. Well, I'm here with that information. One neat trick that secret fascists hate. How do you discover who they are? It's actually quite easy. All I need is your credit card number, the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year.

Do you really want acne-ridden Eugene the dope-fiend handling your food, driving it to your place then doing the "delivery dance" of passing a receipt and pen, signing it, giving it back, then handing you your pizza minus the wings he munched on on the way there? Or would you rather have Star Trek technology simply beam your Meatlover's with extra cheese right to you? That's what I thought. Humans are filthy, hence our current situation, which funnily enough has now taken us one step closer to our Star Trek future.

The CARES act is for the people. Because congress "cares" about you, the individual. That's why the entirety of the bailout goes right to the people! Wait, what? It doesn't? Well, then who exactly do they "care" for? Ohhhhhh. Themselves. And big businesses with lobbyists that pay them off. Huh. Why do they need emergency money? Shouldn't they have emergency funds in case something bad like a quarantine happens? Well, that seems like poor planning on their half to be honest. Why should the government give them free money for bad budget planning?

It's like riding a bike. You never forget how to do it, or the sensation of wind whipping through your hair on a bright summer day. What you do forget is that the seat kinda hurts your ass and it's not really ergonomic, and getting started again is real awkward, and people on the street don't like you, and your brakes aren't the best, and the chain can rip up your legs, and god forbid you fall off, you've got absolutely no protection because the safety gear there is makes you look like a real nerd, and jesus christ going uphill was a mistake, and a dozen other little things.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

What's the difference between 11 and 12? Nothing. The 11th could be a random boring workday Wednesday in September, or it could be a the best day of your life in February. As people we assign meaning to these numbers because of what happens on the day, not the numbers themselves, so I've got real trouble pretending to care about the 22nd of January when one year it was a blizzard and the another year your kid was born. Your kid's nice and all but I almost froze to death on that same date.

A lot of people hoard. Whether it's prepping or hobbies, most people have 1 or 2 things they really like and have trouble parting with. And that's fine. Every now and then you have to prune some of your collection to make room for more and that's healthy. What's not healthy is refusing to do that, so essentials start falling by the wayside and before you know it, you've got New Jersey's best indoor sewer system rotting your floorboards and there's a psychologist and your kids trying to get you to throw away things you might have some use for some day.

The new normal, hiding your mouth and nose area, aka the mask. Masks are cool though, right? Bane? Sub-zero? Jim Carrey's The Mask? Jason Vorhees and Micheal Myers? There are probably hundreds of iconic masks once you add superheroes and villains to the list. But what do we get? Some sleek future ventilated protection? No, we wound up breathing through leftover old t-shirts. What's even worse is that you haven't worn a mask since you were 8 and had a plastic Ninja Turtle face covering your own on Halloween night, and guess what? You forgot that actually wearing a mask blows.

Guess what nerds? Your cinematic masterpieces aren't any different than your childhood cartoons made to make you beg your mom for that shiny new Transmetal Fuzor. They just throw a lot more money at them these days. So if you think that Zack Snyder's Director's Cut of Justice League would've been a completely different affair and actually good. You're forgetting 2 things. One: you want a Director's Cut of a 2 hour toy commercial. And Two: Zack Snyder is why people walk around in Iron Man and Captain America t-shirts these days instead of Superman and Batman symbols. Also, i'm still upset that I never got that Transmetal Fuzor I wanted. IT'S SILVERBOLT MOM! HE'S A WOLF AND AN EAGLE! HE'S A WOLFEAGLE THAT SHOOTS MISSILES, MOM! IT'S THE COOLEST THING POSSIBLE.

To-the-day Anniversaries
* Hoarders
* Masks
* Release the Snyder Cut

Suh dudes? Welcome back to H-Widgie the sickest 'cast this side of Petaluma! The only 'cast to take on life's total bummers but also, like, life's totally gnarly grinds. This week we cover T-Dog's attempts at perfecting his Air Japan 180°, The MadMan's run-in with some mondo-garbo scuzz-fuzz, and Leafy Todd's new blend called Skittle Sherbert Surprise. We also review the new decks from Vert, and some trucks from Kronx! And as always here's this weeks most slammin' tricks:

Quarantine log day, forgotten, we’re on full blown coronatime. I haven’t showered in 4 days. I no longer own any pants. Food supplies are running low, fortunately the cat food is pretty tasty with a caprisun chaser. I have seen everything offered on Netflix, and can now confidently say, it’s all garbage. There were a few good new documentaries talking about,

Live Services
- Modelers
- Stopping the Bleach Drinkers
- Amazon

Long ago games were a one time purchase. You got your cartridge and you popped it in and that was it. Then a new age dawned and games started happening online. You could play with friends around the globe, but they couldn’t charge more for the game to keep the servers running, and DLC only went so far, and games as a service were born. Some games handled the transition really well, and some games were shoveled out messes that after just over a year have completely died. Nobody cares though, because if people were playing it wouldn’t be a dead service.

Models are cool, I have a massive jealousy for guys that have the patience and steady hands to take something they love and make a smaller version of it. Cars, Planes, Boats, Trains, even whole towns are made in model form. I would love to have a small fleet of in scale Enterprises from Star Trek to put on a shelf. Then there is the dark side of modeling, and like all the world’s evils it comes from Math. These guys are the types who make up numbers out of their asses for decades for the chance to get interviewed on CNN and sell their new book. The big difference, is while good modelers base their work on real world tangible examples, bad modelers base their work on ego.

Kung Flu was a gift to us, it was a chance to eliminate the number one ill in the universe, Old People. Too many grandma simps stood up and the boomer remover was stalled. The universe has its way of balancing out and it gave us a new chance. Now we have a chance, to eliminate all of the dumb people. We constantly as a society complain about the stupid people around us and how the world would be a better place without them. AND WE DIDN’T TAKE IT! Is this the world you want? Really? We are saving bleach drinkers now? Next thing they’ll be protesting erasing all debt as a one time amnesty, you morons.

Amazon is the single largest online shopping company on the planet. They literally have lockers installed in apartment buildings for deliveries, because they deliver as much stuff if not more than the regular post office. In these trying times, they are too busy patting themselves on the backs for doing nothing to put your stuff in a box and send it to you the way literally everything else on earth works. This could’ve been your big break, literally destroying all other companies, but instead you drank bleach.

All that plus who did Tim steal an issue from last week? voicemails and food news. Be sure to join in the discussion on DISCORD, support the show at PATREON, NEW PROJECT 2, or go BUY A SHIRT! Thanks for listening!