Episode 167 - Going Viral

Explicit content warning

02/07/20 • -1 min

Welcome to another freezing episode of HWIDG. We’re snowed in now, schools are all closed, roads are icy, and noses are rosy. The weatherman said the blizzard dropped 46 inches of snow over our heads, a new record! Wait, what? He said four to six inches? And we didn’t even get that? Great, what am I going to do with all these bread and milk sandwiches, then?! I guess I can scarf them down while listening to a couple of jerks whine about:

Playing "What's this Commercial For?"
* Iowa Caucuses
* Download Limits
* Virus Fearmongering

EXT. WIDE. ALL-AMERICAN SUBURBAN HOUSE. A white picket fence and a golden Labrador stand guard against any outside intruders while FATHER and JENNY build a swings on the well-manicured front lawn. MOTHER swings open the cherry-red front door with glasses of freshly-squeezed lemonade and sandwiches for everyone. PUSH IN as the clouds suddenly darken and the skies turn grey. A sudden downpour has ruined their fun. FATHER scrambles to cover everything with a tarp, but can barely stand due to the gale-force winds. CLOSE on Jenny as she has an idea. She grabs one of MOTHER’S sandwiches. Tuna salad with a pink-hued sauce. She takes a bite, and her head turns red then explodes into a bloody pulp. MOTHER and FATHER scream in agony and terror. FADE OUT. LOGO. (V.O.) “New from Hellman’s. Ghost Pepper Mayo. Be Bold.”

You’d think we’d have come up with a better way to count votes than standing in taped-out floor squares and yelling at each other why “my guy” is more socialist than yours, or loves America more. It doesn’t take much, hell runners have the photo finish now. It’s been expanded upon as technology has improved and now we have ultra high speed cameras to make exactly sure what the outcome is. It’s not just a volunteer dude staring at the finish line, shoving the other team’s guy for the best vantage point. Oh, but you say, there was an app this time. Yeah, well how did that work out?

Can you imagine paying your water bill, then getting it turned off 3/4 of the way through the month because you used “too much” of it? Not during a drought, or war time, in fact water has never been more plentiful in this occasion. Or you go to a fast food joint and they say hey, we have free drinks today. You say awesome, grab a cup and fill it with your favorite beverage. Then halfway through an employee karate chops you in the throat mid-gulp and yells at you for having too much of the free soda.

You’re dead. Snow’s coming, guy all the perishable goods or you’ll die. Heat wave’s coming, stay under a fan or you’re dead. Murders are up 12% compared to this time last year, you’re dead. Flu season’s coming up, get your shot or you’re dead. CORONA VIRUS ALERT. THE CORONA VIRUS WILL KILL YOU AND REANIMATE YOU AS A ZOMBIE FORCING A LOVED ONE TO TEARFULLY KILL YOU AGAIN. WE REPEAT THE CORONA VIRUS CAN KILL YOU TWICE. Now back to Cheryl with today’s big Saver’s Tip, Cheryl? Cheryl? Oh god, NO. I’m so sorry Cheryl, but the CORONAVIRUS IS MAKING ME DO THIS.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Playing "What's this Commercial For?"
* Iowa Caucuses
* Download Limits
* Virus Fearmongering

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Previous Episode

Episode 166 - Sex Million Pounds of Torque

Hey there, this week HWIDG's coming to you live from our bunker 2 miles under the earth. As soon as the news of the coronavirus hit, we moved to our secret bunker operation, and no there's not room for anyone else, so have fun in Fallout! As your skin sloughs off up there, we're down here feasting on 50 lb. prepper meal buckets. Mmmmmmm, rehydrated Beef Product Enchiladas. Anyways, if your ears haven't filled up with blood and pus yet, stay around and listen to us bicker about:

Finally Getting Something Ruined
* People Who Don't Understand Analogies
* "Too Soon"
* Other Mustang Guys

There comes a time in everyone's life when one of their beloved objects is ruined for the first time. Maybe they redesign your favorite car and now it's ugly. Maybe they reboot your favorite cartoon as a kid into a grimdark, sex-fueled, dystopian nightmare. Or perhaps your favorite movie is done yet again but with 500% more CG and as a 10-part TV miniseries. Or, they can take a franchise that you've just recently discovered and rip out all that makes it special among its peers and turn it into a generic sci-fi action series. Alex Kurtzman, I hope you contract this new coronavirus and the hospital TV only plays TNG repeats so maybe you learn something. And you do. You see the error of your ways, your body shakes off the terrible threat, you get released, and then I stab you in the throat with a bat'leth.

Analogies are like cars. Most people that have them use them everyday, and understand how they work. They use them correctly, and with proper care. Then there's everyone else. Stupid people, mostly. They were taught how to drive, yet it went in one ear and out the other, and they survive on pure instinct. The kind of people that have hundreds of tickets, are constantly in accidents, and yet somehow their insurance says, yup, you're a great driver.

When is it "too" soon? Probably in the room as the person’s dying. Once that heart stops beating? They’re game. Everyone dies. Everyone goes through other people’s deaths. And guess what? Laughter is the best medicine for grief. It gets you over that hump quicker. We should amend “too soon” to be “not funny enough”, because we’ve all laughed at a joke that was told “too soon” but laughed anyways because the joke was funny enough.

Mustang drivers, they’re tightly-wound, rage-filled, speeding maniacs who are looking to take any and everyone out with themselves on the road. They tinker over every little part of their “baby”, they give it a dumb name, and we all know they’re compensating for their own small “hemi”. They measure themselves against their brethren constantly, gauging V6 vs V8, GT vs Shelby vs. Cobra vs. Anaconda vs. Not-being-a-douche. It may seem like we’re grouping a lot of different people together just because of the car they drive, and you’d be right.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Next Episode

Episode 168 - Directed by Fred Durst

Glamour! Glitz! The taste of Tinseltown is in the air, so roll out the red carpet for this star-studded episode of Here's What I Don't Get! All your favorite celebrities are here: Tab, occasionally Tim, and Not Todd! But now, it's time for the ceremonies. Let's start with the most important award, Best Issue. This week there have been dozens of great issues, but the four best are nominated tonight. Here are the nominees for Best Issue:

Movie Budget Inflation
* Oscars over Razzies
* Feeding the Monster
* No Tours

Big budgets means big flops. Crazy how some Hollywood studios haven’t learned this yet. It’s like gambling. If you go into the casino a couple times a year with a couple thousand to spend each time, sure you’ll hit that jackpot eventually, but odds are that it equates to the debt you know have from all the previous attempts. But, if you go in there with a couple of bucks, write off those losses as tax deductible, find the game you’re good at and ride that out to a couple hundred million, no one bats an eye if you come in next time with a bit more money to spend.

If there’s so many ‘problems’ with the Oscars how come all these people still spend 4 hours watching it? In this day and age of online cynicism and dunking on bad takes, how come The Razzies aren’t bigger than The Oscars? You get to take a poop on bad movies and it’s all in good fun, plenty of humble celebrities have even shown up in person to accept their terrible statues. They’re got no biases except against Hollywood itself. You can be white, gay, black, trans, or all of the above and if you make a bad movie you’re still going down.

Look, the master eats everyone eventually. Some people get absolutely mangled. Just torn to shreds. Having to live their life in secrecy, nary to be heard from again. That’s because that person fed the monster each time they could. More and more. And when the monster finally saw the person face-to-face, and that had nothing to give? Well, that was it. But the ones who get out with just a scratch, and keep on going. Well, the monster expected nothing from them, so it didn’t take anything. Or they were rich enough to pay it off.

What is wrong with venue promoters in Oklahoma that we can’t get decent music acts to stop here but once every four or five tours? We’re no Chicago or NYC I understand, but when there’s towns with populations of 15,000 on a 50-stop megaton I’ve really go to stop and wonder. We’ve upended a large part of our downtown and made it the new hotspot just for this reason! But they’ve got to basically give Pitbull tickets out for free because no one WANTS TO HEAR HIS PART OF EVERY POP SONG HE POPS UP ON.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!