Episode 179 - Kraft Tuna Melt

Explicit content warning

05/01/20 • 139 min

Quarantine log day, forgotten, we’re on full blown coronatime. I haven’t showered in 4 days. I no longer own any pants. Food supplies are running low, fortunately the cat food is pretty tasty with a caprisun chaser. I have seen everything offered on Netflix, and can now confidently say, it’s all garbage. There were a few good new documentaries talking about,

Live Services
- Modelers
- Stopping the Bleach Drinkers
- Amazon

Long ago games were a one time purchase. You got your cartridge and you popped it in and that was it. Then a new age dawned and games started happening online. You could play with friends around the globe, but they couldn’t charge more for the game to keep the servers running, and DLC only went so far, and games as a service were born. Some games handled the transition really well, and some games were shoveled out messes that after just over a year have completely died. Nobody cares though, because if people were playing it wouldn’t be a dead service.

Models are cool, I have a massive jealousy for guys that have the patience and steady hands to take something they love and make a smaller version of it. Cars, Planes, Boats, Trains, even whole towns are made in model form. I would love to have a small fleet of in scale Enterprises from Star Trek to put on a shelf. Then there is the dark side of modeling, and like all the world’s evils it comes from Math. These guys are the types who make up numbers out of their asses for decades for the chance to get interviewed on CNN and sell their new book. The big difference, is while good modelers base their work on real world tangible examples, bad modelers base their work on ego.

Kung Flu was a gift to us, it was a chance to eliminate the number one ill in the universe, Old People. Too many grandma simps stood up and the boomer remover was stalled. The universe has its way of balancing out and it gave us a new chance. Now we have a chance, to eliminate all of the dumb people. We constantly as a society complain about the stupid people around us and how the world would be a better place without them. AND WE DIDN’T TAKE IT! Is this the world you want? Really? We are saving bleach drinkers now? Next thing they’ll be protesting erasing all debt as a one time amnesty, you morons.

Amazon is the single largest online shopping company on the planet. They literally have lockers installed in apartment buildings for deliveries, because they deliver as much stuff if not more than the regular post office. In these trying times, they are too busy patting themselves on the backs for doing nothing to put your stuff in a box and send it to you the way literally everything else on earth works. This could’ve been your big break, literally destroying all other companies, but instead you drank bleach.

All that plus who did Tim steal an issue from last week? voicemails and food news. Be sure to join in the discussion on DISCORD, support the show at PATREON, NEW PROJECT 2, or go BUY A SHIRT! Thanks for listening!

Live Services
- Modelers
- Stopping the Bleach Drinkers
- Amazon

Previous Episode

Episode 178 - Spare Parts

Welcome back to Here’s What I Want to Reopen, the most popular podcast about reopening things! Number one this week is.......... this bag of Doritos! A lovely spicy nacho flavor, orange dust all over your fingers, what’s not to love about this bag of Doritos? Second on our list............ the investigation into D.B. Cooper! Don’t you want to know what really happened to him? Who was he? Did he actually fight Bigfoot? Was he Bigfoot all along? We need to know the answers, sheeple! And Rounding out our top three it’s............ the local Chuck E. Cheese! Where else can you play skee-ball or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles In Time right next to someone playing The Simpsons arcade game while also chowing down on a Slice (because they can’t legally call it pizza)? Anyways, here’s the rest of this week’s top reopens:

Waffle Fries
* When RTFM Fails
* Valorant Anti-cheat
* Let's Not Be Too Hasty

Oh waffle fry, how I loathe you. The lowest tier of frenched fry. Below the crinkle-cut, below the shoestring, below even those weird smiley face round things. Why do you exist? You’re the size of a chip, but have 100% less crunch and flavor! You’re full of holes, so I get 40% less potato than I want. You know, I’d rather eat packing peanuts than a waffle fry, because at least then I’m not disappointed that I’m not eating some other type of packing material.

Manuals used to be books. Big ol’ thick honkers of texts with lovely diagrams and troubleshooting sections. Today? You’re lucky to even get one. More than likely you’ll get a slip of paper that says “For Instructions and Troubleshooting, please visit us at http://wedontlikemauals.net”. And even if you do get a manual, it’s likely been outsourced to either a Chinese company and been terribly translated, or it’s been pawned off to another customer for 50 bucks and just looks like a bad print out of an even worse Powerpoint presentation.

Cheaters gonna cheat. If someone wants to break the rules, they will find a way, no matter what is in the way. So for a game developer to say “our game is the best because it prevents any sort of cheating oh and by the way, it’s quite invasive to the customer’s PC”, that’s just going to give the cheaters MORE FUEL. And it’ll give the worst of them a reason to use your invasive strategy to hurt your other customers. Just wait a few months I guarantee either they re-do the system to be like EVERY OTHER ONE, or there’ll be a hack rendering the game unsafe to players.

Apparently the “off” switch is just a standard lightbulb switch in a publicly-accessible room. The “on” switch can only be accessed by those with Level 75 or higher security clearance, who also have a Platinum III or better ranking in the current season of Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six: Siege, and have at least a Level 18 character in a currently running weekly Dungeons and Dragons 5e game, who must then cross a lake of lava on a rickety rope bridge. They must then answer a puzzle given by two trolls guarding a door that leads to the switch room full of hundreds of switches, and must know the current hour’s 3 correct switches and then insert the correct individual keys into those three switches and turn all three at the same time.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Next Episode

Episode 180 - Sdrawkcab

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

What's the difference between 11 and 12? Nothing. The 11th could be a random boring workday Wednesday in September, or it could be a the best day of your life in February. As people we assign meaning to these numbers because of what happens on the day, not the numbers themselves, so I've got real trouble pretending to care about the 22nd of January when one year it was a blizzard and the another year your kid was born. Your kid's nice and all but I almost froze to death on that same date.

A lot of people hoard. Whether it's prepping or hobbies, most people have 1 or 2 things they really like and have trouble parting with. And that's fine. Every now and then you have to prune some of your collection to make room for more and that's healthy. What's not healthy is refusing to do that, so essentials start falling by the wayside and before you know it, you've got New Jersey's best indoor sewer system rotting your floorboards and there's a psychologist and your kids trying to get you to throw away things you might have some use for some day.

The new normal, hiding your mouth and nose area, aka the mask. Masks are cool though, right? Bane? Sub-zero? Jim Carrey's The Mask? Jason Vorhees and Micheal Myers? There are probably hundreds of iconic masks once you add superheroes and villains to the list. But what do we get? Some sleek future ventilated protection? No, we wound up breathing through leftover old t-shirts. What's even worse is that you haven't worn a mask since you were 8 and had a plastic Ninja Turtle face covering your own on Halloween night, and guess what? You forgot that actually wearing a mask blows.

Guess what nerds? Your cinematic masterpieces aren't any different than your childhood cartoons made to make you beg your mom for that shiny new Transmetal Fuzor. They just throw a lot more money at them these days. So if you think that Zack Snyder's Director's Cut of Justice League would've been a completely different affair and actually good. You're forgetting 2 things. One: you want a Director's Cut of a 2 hour toy commercial. And Two: Zack Snyder is why people walk around in Iron Man and Captain America t-shirts these days instead of Superman and Batman symbols. Also, i'm still upset that I never got that Transmetal Fuzor I wanted. IT'S SILVERBOLT MOM! HE'S A WOLF AND AN EAGLE! HE'S A WOLFEAGLE THAT SHOOTS MISSILES, MOM! IT'S THE COOLEST THING POSSIBLE.

To-the-day Anniversaries
* Hoarders
* Masks
* Release the Snyder Cut

Suh dudes? Welcome back to H-Widgie the sickest 'cast this side of Petaluma! The only 'cast to take on life's total bummers but also, like, life's totally gnarly grinds. This week we cover T-Dog's attempts at perfecting his Air Japan 180°, The MadMan's run-in with some mondo-garbo scuzz-fuzz, and Leafy Todd's new blend called Skittle Sherbert Surprise. We also review the new decks from Vert, and some trucks from Kronx! And as always here's this weeks most slammin' tricks: