What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood | Parenting Tips From Funny Moms

Vaccines. Mandate-liftings. Scaled reopenings. All of these things are great and long wished for.

But we were kind of thinking there'd be a bell, or something. A hard deadline. A day when we'd all dance out into the ticker-taped streets and make out with strangers in Times Square.

Without a "you are now free to move about the cabin" announcement, how will we know when it's okay for grandparents to visit? To fly to that wedding? To toss our masks once and for all?

When is it okay to start saying yes?

Our listener Heather put it this way:

I think seeing a light at the end of the tunnel can be unsettling. We've been living in this weird way for a year now. And as much as it seems crazy, we've gotten used to it.

Psychologists call the stress this is making us feel the “third-quarter phenomenon.” For people forced to endure long stretches of isolation– astronauts, Arctic explorers, submarine sailors– the most difficult part, regardless of the length of the assignment, has been proven to be about 75% of the way through, precisely when the end of the assignment first comes into distant focus.

As things start to open up and some of us don't feel ready, or wonder if the world is ready, it's a new source of stress that we were saved from when we were all apart.

Past scientists and astronauts who suffered from the “third-quarter phenomenon" were advised to refocus on their mission- why they were doing what they were doing, and the great worth of seeing it through. Seems like great advice for the rest of us. Focusing on the mission might be what will get us through this last part of the tunnel.

Here are links to writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode:

Tara Law for Time: We're in the Third Quarter of the Pandemic. Antarctic Researchers, Mars Simulation Scientists and Navy Submarine Officers Have Advice For How to Get Through It

Robert Bechtel and Amy Berning: The Third-Quarter Phenomenon: Do People Experience Discomfort After Stress Has Passed?

Nathan Smith: The third-quarter phenomenon: the psychology of time in space

"Beautiful City" from Godspell (1973)

"Brand New Day" from The Wiz (1978)

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This month, we're doing a deep dive series into the division of household labor—why it's often unbalanced, and what we can do about it. You can find the playlist with all of the episodes in the series here.

Want to see a mother get mad? Tell her she's "nagging" you after she's been obligated to repeat an entirely reasonable request several times over. And just why is "nagging" a word that's almost exclusively applied to women?

We need the other members of our households to show up and do their share. As the default parents, we own the lists. So do we stop caring whether others like how we ask and remind? Do we enforce a back-to-one where we're not forced to ask repeatedly in the first place?

In this episode Amy and Margaret discuss:

• The sexism and etymology of the word "nag"
• What Amy says are the three types of "nagging," and why we should separate them out
• What to say when our repeated asking is framed as annoying to other people (guess to whom it's also annoying, too?)

Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode:

• Jessica Zhang on LinkedIn: "What's In a Nag?"
• Episode from If Books Could Kill podcast: "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
• McClelland, T., & Sliwa, P: "Gendered affordance perception and unequal domestic labour."
• Our episode with Lynyetta Willis on "Stable Misery"
• Our episode with Eve Rodsky on "Changing the Invisible Workload"
• Anne Helen Petersen's newsletter Culture Study

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When school drop-off is tough it can ruin the whole day. The feeling of walking away and leaving a sobbing kiddo at pre-school is just plain awful, but the reality is that most kids are happily playing 15 minutes later.

This week a listener asks:

Any tips for preschool drop off when kiddo gets shy/nervous and then refuses to go in? Our little one occasionally gave us a hard time at preschool drop offs pre-covid and with pre-k starting in a few weeks I want to have a whole tool box ready of things to try help those first few drop offs run smoothly.

There's no go-to solution for making drop-offs tear-free. This situation is more in the "observe and adapt" category because you have to see how it's going, what's wrong and which parts of it can be fixed.

The best thing to do about tough school drop-offs is to keep them in perspective. Remember that these events are not creating permanent emotional scars - rather they are phases where a child is working out their complicated feelings about separating from you.

Still there are some adjustments you can make to help make the morning drop off routine consistent:

• make sure your child gets a good night sleep
• get up early enough that the morning isn't chaotic and rushed (I know - it's hard - but it's worth it)
• feed your child a good breakfast
• create a consistent drop off routine

If you are doing all of these things and still struggling at drop-off, try working with your number one drop off ally - your child's teacher or daycare provider. Find out how long the tears are lasting after you leave (a teacher may be willing to text you to let you know when your kid is over their tears and enjoying their day) and strategize about how to make things run more smoothly (some kids may do well with a little extra time with mom or dad; some kids may need the "drop and dash" approach).

But most of all keep in mind that this too shall pass - your child is gaining important independence and you'll get through it too - we promise.

Margaret cites this article in this week's episode: Crying at Drop-Off

Special thanks to our "Question of the Week" sponsor:

Jane.com is a boutique marketplace featuring the latest in women’s fashion, accessories, home decor, children’s clothing, and more. By shopping at jane.com, you support small businesses, 1500 of which are women-owned. And you will not believe the prices! Visit jane.com/laughing.

It often becomes clear to us where our boundaries should have been set only after those lines have been crossed and left far behind. But whether it's with overbearing extended family members or partners who leave socks on the floor, how do we create effective boundaries? Especially after it's been established that we're not very good at it, and especially in a world that doesn't very much like women who aren't afraid to set them?

In this episode we discuss why boundaries should be set early and often– and not just in problematic relationships, either. Healthy boundaries with our spouses, partners, and co-workers are what make long-term relationships possible. And don't forget positive boundaries. Want to start setting aside more money each month? Having one date night a week, or one weekend morning when you get to sleep in? It starts with saying so.

Living in a pandemic has made it unavoidable: we all have to say out loud what feels safe for us and our families. We can seize that opportunity to practice the difficult conversations. Those on the other sides of those conversations are entitled to their reactions and opinions. But that doesn't necessarily mean that setting the boundary was wrong.

Here are links to some writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode:

Fatherly: 16 Tips For Creating Healthy Boundaries With Your Extended Family

Mark Manson: Boundaries

Elizabeth Earnshaw for Mind Body Green: A Therapist Explains 6 Things People Get Wrong About Setting Boundaries

Sarah Saweikis for Medium: Scared to Set Boundaries? How to Set Boundaries to Improve Your Relationships and Increase Peace of Mind

Brianna Wiest: The Honest Truth About Why Some People Can't Set Boundaries

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We’re in Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa Countdown! To keep you company while you slowly lose your mind, we’re re-running some of our favorite holiday episodes. This week we're revisiting our interview with Susan Katz Miller, author of THE INTERFAITH FAMILY JOURNAL.

The holidays are always intense, and if your family is an intersection of multiple traditions, it can really ratchet up the pressure for perfection times two. Which is when it’s time to maintain perspective. As Susan explains:

“I try to help people to understand that if they're having conflict often, it's not about religious difference. It's not about theology. It's not about whether there was an actual physical resurrection or not. It's usually about whether to put the fried onions on the green bean casserole or not.”

In this episode we discuss

-why every family is an interfaith family

-how to reduce conflict about traditions with your spouse’s extended family

-how to help your spouse when the hard feelings are on your family’s side

-how to push back on the pressure to do “both” traditions perfectly

-how to help your kids navigate being of a different faith than most people in your community

-how to handle it when you’re observant but your spouse is not (or vice versa)

-the resentment that can occur when the mom in a family is expected to carry the weight of passing on a religious tradition that's not even hers

It’s worth it to have the conversations, do the work, and delineate a “sacred circle” that works for your immediate family. As Susan explains, when you and your spouse come from different traditions, “you’re going to be doing the work anyhow.” But challenging your own mindset and context is also an incredible opportunity for growth– even if the way your spouse’s family opens their holiday gifts is completely and totally wrong.

Here are links to some other writing on the topic we discuss in this episode:

-Pew Research Center: Why America’s ‘nones’ don’t identify with a religion

-Stina Kielsmeier-Cook: Blessed Are the Nones: Mixed-Faith Marriage and My Search for Spiritual Community: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780830848270

-Buy THE INTERFAITH FAMILY JOURNAL: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9781558968257

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/