Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW

Victoria Priya, LCSW (formerly Vicki Tidwell Palmer), is the author of Personal Boundaries For Dummies®, host of the NEW Boundaries Queen podcast, and creator of the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier. Beyond Bitchy dispels the common misperception that boundaries are selfish, rigid, and controlling, and offers a fresh vision of personal limits as a source of freedom and liberation. Get expert information about how to identify, create, and establish effective personal and relationship boundaries so that you can get the space you need, and the connection you crave.

1 Listener

All episodes

Best episodes

Top 10 Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries Episodes

Goodpods has curated a list of the 10 best Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries episodes, ranked by the number of listens and likes each episode have garnered from our listeners. If you are listening to Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries for the first time, there's no better place to start than with one of these standout episodes. If you are a fan of the show, vote for your favorite Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries episode by adding your comments to the episode page.

#103 - Can Boundaries Be Gentle?

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

08/26/20 • 25 min

One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they’re harsh, rigid, or mean, and that they damage intimacy. In fact, boundaries can absolutely be expressed in a gentle way. And that’s exactly what I’m going to talk about in detail today! I’ll share six easy and specific ways that you can express a limit gently.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #103:

Sometimes we go from one extreme to another, going from struggling to say “no” to saying “no” frequently or in a way that’s difficult for other people to hear.
Here are six ways you can express a limit gently:

1. “Thanks, but I can’t.” (Then stop talking!)
2. “That is so kind of you! But I can’t accept/do that today.”
3. “I understand. I’m not able to do that.” Or, “I understand, but I can’t.” (Use this when you’re getting pushback or feeling baited.)
4. “I hear you” or “I hear that.” (Use this when you’ve previously said “no” to the same request.)
5. “Thanks for the opportunity. I’m not available, but I hope your event is fabulous!”
6. “That’s a generous offer, but I’m not able to accept it. I’ll pass, but thank you so much.”

Even though these responses are gentle, the recipient may still tell you that you’re being harsh. Your gentleness doesn’t guarantee a certain response.

Highlights from Episode #103:

Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode and introduces its topic: whether boundaries can be gentle. She also shares a story from Sheri Winston, who was previously on the podcast. [00:39]
It’s common to go from one extreme to the other, Vicki explains. [03:52]
We hear what it sounds like when we haven’t found ways to express boundaries gently. [08:11]
Vicki shares the first four of her strategies for expressing boundaries in a gentle way. [10:44]
The recipient of these responses may still say you’re being harsh, Vicki points out, then shares the remaining strategies. [15:11]
Each of Vicki’s strategies begins with an acknowledgment, and most have appreciation. [18:56]
Vicki points out that you have no control over how the listener responds. [20:26]

Links and Resources:

1 Listener

#78 - If I'm Triggered, Are You Responsible?

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

01/15/20 • 35 min

When you get triggered, is the person who you got triggered by responsible? And what does this have to do with boundaries? Today’s episode will dig into these important questions. If you’re a long-time listener, you may have guessed that triggers are related to the listening boundary, which is the most difficult of the four primary boundaries. Tune in to learn about triggers, boundaries, and how to respond when you feel triggered.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #78:

Triggers are individual and unique to each person, and the possible ways to be triggered are almost endless.
Thoughts create emotions, but emotions can also create thoughts. Each of us has emotions just underneath the surface waiting for something in the external world that will activate or stimulate them.
You have a right to your opinion, to express yourself, and to ask someone to do something differently if you’re triggered. However, the other person isn’t responsible for your trigger, and they aren’t obligated to change so you won’t be triggered.
When you get triggered and want to critique the other person, ask yourself what is your intention. Often, it’s to be right, to shame the other person, and/or to prove them uninformed or ignorant.

Highlights from Episode #78:

Welcome to Episode 78, where we’ll cover the question of whether someone else is responsible if you get triggered. Vicki takes a moment to clarify what she means by “triggers.” [00:39]
Vicki addresses how triggers are related to boundaries, specifically the listening boundary. She then explains why she has been reluctant to talk about this question of triggers, and why she’s covering it now. [07:39]
We hear about a conversation that Vicki had with her publisher related to using the word “bitchy,” and a seemingly hypocritical decision that could have been a trigger, but wasn't. [10:29]
When we get triggered (like by one of the words Vicki has been talking about), who is responsible? Vicki then talks about the idea in that currently in the US there is a lot of external pressure to hold certain attitudes or to be educated in specific ways in order to be accepted or considered "woke." [19:06]
You have a right to your opinion and to ask people to do things differently. [22:40]
Triggers aren’t universal; they’re unique to each person and even situation. Vicki offers examples to clarify. [24:09]
Vicki offers specific advice for what to do when you feel triggered and want to critique the other person. [28:36]
Don’t forget that Vicki’s first live Clarity Circle of 2020 is happening this Friday, January 17, 2020! [34:42]

Links and Resources:

1 Listener

#60 - Quick Tips #8: Do Children Have a Right to Set Boundaries?

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

08/21/19 • 14 min

A listener wanted to know if her child has a right to decide who, when, and how she plays with her friends. Vicki answers this question, and offers some great tips on how to handle parents — or even family members — who criticize your child when she wants to set a boundary. If you're a parent or will become one in the future you, this is information about children and boundaries that you need to know.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #60:

Children have a right to say no when they are asked to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable.
When you tell your child they don't have a right to say no, you are teaching them to be a people-pleaser.
As a parent, you are a role model to your children about their rights to set boundaries.
Let your child know that you are proud of them for setting their boundaries.

Highlights from Episode #60:

Welcome back to the show! Today’s episode is from a listener's question about do children have a right to set boundaries? [00:44]
Vicki discusses why this is an important question for parents and anyone who will become a parent in the future. [01:12]
The listener's question is about her daughter's choices about who she wants to play with and other parents' responses to her. [01:32]
Vicki’s first thought about the parents criticizing the listener's daughter is that it is completely appropriate to distance yourself from these parents. [03:50]
Children have a right to play with who they want to play with, and letting them make this choice teaches them boundaries and self care. [04:18]
Reasons you don’t want to teach your child to be a people pleaser. [05:05]
If you teach your child that they don’t have a right to say no, you lay the groundwork for potentially dangerous situations. [05:30]
The best way to teach your children about boundaries is by your your own example. [07:57]
Enforce your child's choices by letting her know she has the right to choose who she plays with. [09:55]
Vicki’s suggestions what to say if your child is being criticized. [09:53]
Let your child know that you are proud of her for letting others know what she wanted or needed. [12:30]
If someone is being overtly abusive to your child, you have a right and responsibility to stop them. [13:14]
By letting your child exercise her boundaries you are helping her develop her ability to keep herself safe. [13:56]

Links and Resources:

#67 - What is “Unreasonable?” [Spoiler Alert: It’s in the Eye of the Beholder]

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

10/09/19 • 20 min

Has anyone ever told you that you were being unreasonable or that you made an unreasonable request? It's a common argument, with a simple resolution. In today's episode Vicki talks about why unreasonable is in the eye of the beholder, and how you can avoid arguing about whether or not something is unreasonable.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #67:

What is reasonable is a perception or an opinion.
Arguments about what is reasonable or unreasonable tend to arise when someone makes a request or they have an expectation of another person.
Responding to a request by saying "that's unreasonable" is a diversion, and doesn't address the request made.
Rather than arguing about whether or not a request is reasonable or unreasonable, focus on potential solutions in order to maintain intimate connection.

Highlights from Episode #67:

Welcome back to the show! [00:41]
How to get specific questions about infidelity, addiction, or betrayal answered by Vicki. [03:04]
This episode was inspired by several questions from a listener revolving around “what is unreasonable?” [04:18]
Unreasonable is a perception; and Vicki gives an example. [06:31]
When does the question or reasonable or unreasonable tend to become an issue in communication? [09:25]
Two concepts that are essential when you disagree with someone about whether or not something is reasonable. [14:44]
When receiving a request from another person, there are three options for responding. [15:08]
Has anyone ever told you that your request was unreasonable? Did it cause an argument? [16:16]
Tips for learning how to focus on solution or resolution while maintaining intimacy. [17:37]
Ask yourself, "is this going to build and maintain intimacy or harm it?" [18:32]

Links and Resources:

#47 - Boundaries With “Avoiders”

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

02/27/19 • 37 min

***Victoria has a NEW boundaries podcast! Click this link for Boundaries Queen.***

This episode is for anyone who needs to learn more about boundaries, but I have a special announcement today for listeners who are betrayed partners. The Friday after this episode airs, I'll be starting a start a five-part class: The Survive and Thrive Blueprint Live Online Mini-Course. Registration is open until February 28 at 11:59 PM!

Today’s episode is inspired by a listener’s question about the role of boundaries in relationships with what she calls “avoiders.” Tune in and learn all about how to handle setting boundaries in relationships with "avoiders," how they differ from other boundaries, and what to do when a loved one is struggling with painful feelings that come up when they have an avoidant family member or friend.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #47:

Being avoidant is one end of a continuum that has to do with our attachment style. There are two primary attachment styles: avoidant or anxious. Avoidant people often come from families with high avoidance, or had a very needy parent.
Trying to seem like a safe, comfortable person to get an avoidant person to come out from behind their wall probably won’t work.
There is a place for boundaries with avoiders, and this is more likely to be the limits you set for yourself rather than with the avoidant person. You can also create a boundary with an avoidant person by making an agreement, but there are some things to know first about creating agreements with them.
When you’re in a situation with an avoidant person and you're trying to figure out how (or if) to respond, notice your sensations, thoughts, and emotions. Next, take action accordingly for your own well-being and self-care.

Highlights from Episode #47:

Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode and explains the back story behind how the podcast came to be. [00:39]
For listeners who are betrayed partners, or partners of sex addicts, Vicki has a special announcement. [02:58]
Vicki explains today’s topic, which relates to dealing with boundaries with people who are avoiders. [04:53]
What is an avoider? Vicki answers by explaining the two major attachment styles. [07:10]
Vicki talks about common ways that people can form avoidant attachment styles. [11:14]
People have a right to be who they are, even if they’re avoiders, Vicki explains. [17:15]
Vicki addresses the specific question of boundaries in relation to avoidant people. [19:34]
We hear specific examples of how to handle situations with avoidant spouses or people in your life. [24:42]
After noticing your experiences, take action for your own well-being and self-care. [29:54]
Vicki makes a final point specifically in relation to the listener’s question. [32:55]

Links and Resources:

#4: Women and Boundaries: Struggles and Strengths

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

04/04/18 • 35 min

Every first episode of each month focuses on women and boundaries. Women are vulnerable in ways that men aren't, and the inherent power imbalances in society can contribute to women experiencing more boundary violations. I discuss why these imbalances exist, some of the inherent strengths women have and how those strengths can contribute to boundary challenges. I will devote the first episode of each month to the topic of women and boundaries—so be sure to tune in!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #4:

Women have unique issues and topics to address when it comes to boundaries. My first episode of the month will be be dedicated to these women’s topics. Men, keep tuning in to better understand and navigate interactions with women.
It’s problematic to claim to be racially color-blind or gender-blind, because this perspective bypasses important differences and ignores the reality of the way things are. We miss not only the specific challenges, but also the beauty of differences.
Women deal with safety issues every day, including considering what time of day to go outside, specific aspects related to travel, and other topics that most men don’t need to constantly think about.
Research has shown that infant girls have innate differences from boys. For example, infant and toddler girls are better at mimicking what someone else is doing, and hold eye contact longer. These differences make women uniquely gifted at establishing and maintaining connection with others, but can also contribute to women’s reluctance or inability to fully own their power.

In today’s episode, I address topics related to boundaries and women. Women are vulnerable in may ways that men are not, including in the workplace and politics. These disparities and the unbalance of power lead to boundary violations. With that said, it’s important to be clear that these systems and disparities aren’t perpetuated only by men. I also talk about why these imbalances exist, the inherent differences between men and women, and some unique boundary-related topics that women face. In future first-of-the-month episodes, I’ll cover more about women and boundaries, so tune in today and in the future!

Highlights from Episode #4:

In This Episode:

What it looks like when men are unconscious around issues of boundaries with women. [02:21]

Some of the specific challenges that women have when it comes to boundaries include safety-related topics. [08:38]

Generally speaking, women tend to be vulnerable in ways that men are not. [11:47]

When you have a power imbalance in the workplace, it’s very problematic to describe any sexual interaction as consensual. [13:55]

The role of boundaries in safety, and how much time women spend focused on safety and scanning for danger. [18:42]

Topics surrounding sexual boundaries in terms of keeping women safe. [25:24]

Some boundary challenges relate to women’s unique and inherent strengths. [27:02]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Brené Brown

#69 - Boundaries Quick Tips #10: Why You Should Wait for the Ask

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

10/23/19 • 15 min

Have you gotten into a habit of answering questions that haven't even been asked? It's easy to do, especially when you can tell that the other person is feeling insecure, fearful, or potentially angry with you. Tune in and learn how to recognize statements that seem like questions and why you should avoid answering. Plus, tips on how to do that while preserving your energy, minimizing drama, and maintaining connection.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #69:

How to recognize a temptation to answer a question that hasn't been asked.
Why you should avoid answering questions that haven’t been asked.
How to avoid answering un-asked questions
Why answering un-asked questions causes problems or even drama.
How to invite another person to be more direct in getting their needs and wants met.
The skill of not answering un-asked questions involves both the listening and talking boundaries.

Highlights from Episode #69:

Vicki introduces the topic for this week's episode. [00:51]
Examples of statements that often get perceived as questions or requests. [01:34]
Vicki discusses these examples and spells out the unspoken questions. [02:49]
When you hear an indirect question you often want to jump to the rescue. [05:04]
Vicki says that if we dive in and rescue it can cause problems or misunderstandings. [05:41]
Vicki discusses what we do about indirect statements and offers some likely responses. [07:22]
She talks about how to respond when faced with an indirect question. [08:33]
Inviting the other person to be more direct keeps you from jumping to the rescue. [12:02]
The skill of not answering an un-asked question involves both the listening and talking boundaries. [12:21]
Vicki talks about the challenges of staying vulnerable in relationships and asking for what we need and want. [13:44]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer
Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 58: Codependency & Boundaries
Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part 1
Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2
Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part 3

#136 - When Someone You Love Is in Danger

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

06/02/21 • 26 min

People in your life may be facing a variety of dangers, from mental health issues or suicidal urges to addiction or unsafe behavior. But today, I’ll focus on a specific type of danger: physically or sexually abusive relationships. It’s painful to know (or suspect) that a loved one is in a relationship like this, but it’s also tough to know what to do. I’ll give you some specific advice on how to proceed—and what to avoid doing.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #136:

Here are some things to do when your loved one is in an abusive relationship:
- Express concern and your willingness to help.
- Give them a way to alert you that you need to call the police or help them get out of the situation.
- Call the police if you know or have very good reason to believe that your loved one is in danger. Don’t hesitate; just do it!
- Send your loved one healing energy, thoughts, and/or prayers.
- Ask yourself whether what you’re planning to do might put this person in danger.
There are also some things you should avoid doing in these circumstances:
- Don’t communicate in writing about their relationship or safety issues (unless it’s a time-sensitive emergency).
- Don’t suggest that the person in an abusive relationship should go to couple’s therapy.
- Don’t confront or agitate the abuser.
- Don’t judge your loved one who is being abused.
Be aware that the most dangerous time for an abused person is right after they leave their abuser. The abused person should go to a domestic violence shelter (rather than a loved one’s house) when they leave, because the shelter will have resources to help.

Highlights from Episode #136:

Welcome to episode 136! Let’s talk about what to do in terms of your boundaries when someone you love is in a specific kind of danger. [00:39]
Vicki starts things off by sharing some statistics from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. [04:47]
What are some things you should not do when you’re dealing with someone facing domestic violence? [07:20]
Vicki talks about the most dangerous time for someone leaving an abusive relationship. [12:42]
We learn some things that you can or should do in this type of situation. [15:24]
Vicki shares a resource: the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call or text them at (800) 799-7233. [21:35]
What if someone you love doesn’t want to talk about it? [22:35]

Links and Resources:

#68 - Giving, Receiving and Boundaries

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

10/16/19 • 23 min

Have you ever felt pressured to give to another person — your time, money, or something material? Giving is a boundary issue, and you hold the power to choose to give or to not give. Choosing wisely keeps you resentment free. Tune in and learn how it works!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #68:

Giving and receiving come both come from a place of abundance.
Skillful gifting comes from a foundation of an abundance of spirit and resources, and good receivers graciously express their appreciation and don’t feel obligated to return the gift.
Giving to another person is an example of boundary work because you get to decide to give (yes) or not to give (no). Complications arise in close relationships or when there is a lot of emotion or pressure attached to giving.
Many people attempt to get others to give to them through passive means, rather than directly or cleanly.
When someone wants something from you, you have complete control to say yes or no.
Use Brené Brown's dictum: "choose discomfort over resentment" as a tool to support you in doing what is right for you. Say no instead of feeling resentment later.
Ideally, giving should be done freely, and with joy and a sense of generosity.

Highlights from Episode #68:

Vicki introduces the topic for this episode: giving and receiving. [00:51]
What comes to mind for you when you think about giving or receiving? [02:08]
There can be a lot of drama around giving and receiving. [03:10]
Have you ever expected to receive a gift, but when the time came, you didn’t get one? How did you feel? [04:02]
A male listener inspired this episode because he was feeling pressured to give to someone close to him. [04:34]
Vicki speaks about how to manage a situation when you feel pressured to give. [05:15]
Ideally, giving comes from a place of abundance, where we feel that we have more than enough and can freely give to others. [05:49]
Vicki states that when the experience of giving and receiving is healthy, there is a beautiful flow of energy that each person feels. [07:34]
Giving is a simple boundary issue but becomes complicated when emotions are involved. [08:06]
Vicki tells a story from her history about an unsuccessful attempt to get someone to give to her in an indirect and passive way. [12:01]
When someone is pressuring us to do something or give something, they usually do it indirectly. [14:01]
Vicki discusses how we have complete control over whether we say yes or no when someone asks something of us. [15:19]
It's important to know that the person you want a long term relationship with can accept limits. [16:28]
If someone continuously pressures you to do something, it becomes manipulative. [17:32]
Vicki believes that men genuinely want to give to women they care about, but they don’t want to be pressured or controlled to do so. [18:41]
Vicki says that if you have someone in your life that regularly urges you to give to them, you will have to get very clear with your limits so that you can avoid becoming resentful. [20:04]
Ideally, you will feel entirely free, happy, and generous when you give. [21:01]

Links and Resources:

#53 - Practicing Healthy Detachment

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

06/05/19 • 32 min

Wondering how detachment relates to boundaries and why practicing detachment is so difficult? Listen close because in today’s episode we dig into the definition of detachment and how properly implementing this skill in our relationships will help strengthen them and our boundaries.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #53:

Detachment cannot be practiced without boundaries because no matter how you choose to detach, a boundary must be set for detachment to succeed.
It is important to recognize the people and situations who you should detach yourself from and why. Sometimes you have to detach from a person completely, and other times you detach from a situation regarding a person.
Detachment does not mean that you are selfish or that you should keep your thoughts and emotions to yourself. Also, detachment is not neglect. You have a duty to pay attention to things that are wrong and address them.
When you are feeling very charged about a situation or very righteous about a situation, it may be healthy and advisable to practice detachment.
There are several skills to hone in order to improve the art of detachment. Listen well, state your attachment out loud, and know the difference between sharing your reality and controlling the other person’s behavior.

Highlights from Episode #53:

Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode and talks about detachment and how it relates to boundaries. [00:39]
Vicki defines detachment, and how it relates to setting boundaries. [01:50]
Detachment and boundaries go together but they are also related and detachment cannot be practiced without boundaries. [02:50]
Vicki dives into different areas of attraction in several types of relationship structures and the potentially harmful levels attachment can reach. [04:41]
There are two different ways to think about detachment and Vicki reveals both. [06:46]
Vicki reveals all the things that detachment is not and the things to watch for when detachment goes wrong. [09:13]
Vicki talks about the times that detachment is helpful are advisable. [17:10]
Learn the skills needed to learn and practice the art of detachment. [21:35]
If you’re just starting the practice of detachment, start slow in less charged situations. [29:51]
Detachment is ultimately about freeing you from feeling as if you need to manage others. [30:57]
Vicki recaps what detachment is, why you need it, and how to practice it. [31:34]

Links and Resources:

Show more best episodes

Featured in these lists

The best podcasts for Fundraising For School Trip

Curated by lesith kame

FAQ

How many episodes does Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries have?

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries currently has 142 episodes available.

What topics does Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries cover?

The podcast is about Society & Culture, Podcasts, Self-Improvement, Education and Relationships.

What is the most popular episode on Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries?

The episode title '#78 - If I'm Triggered, Are You Responsible?' is the most popular.

What is the average episode length on Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries?

The average episode length on Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries is 29 minutes.

How often are episodes of Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries released?

Episodes of Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries are typically released every 7 days.

When was the first episode of Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries?

The first episode of Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries was released on Mar 28, 2018.

Show more FAQ

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW

Top 10 Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries Episodes

Featured in these lists

FAQ

How many episodes does Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries have?

What topics does Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries cover?

What is the most popular episode on Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries?

What is the average episode length on Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries?

How often are episodes of Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries released?

When was the first episode of Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries?

Comments