Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries - #68 - Giving, Receiving and Boundaries

#68 - Giving, Receiving and Boundaries

10/16/19 • 23 min

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Have you ever felt pressured to give to another person — your time, money, or something material? Giving is a boundary issue, and you hold the power to choose to give or to not give. Choosing wisely keeps you resentment free. Tune in and learn how it works!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #68:

Giving and receiving come both come from a place of abundance.
Skillful gifting comes from a foundation of an abundance of spirit and resources, and good receivers graciously express their appreciation and don’t feel obligated to return the gift.
Giving to another person is an example of boundary work because you get to decide to give (yes) or not to give (no). Complications arise in close relationships or when there is a lot of emotion or pressure attached to giving.
Many people attempt to get others to give to them through passive means, rather than directly or cleanly.
When someone wants something from you, you have complete control to say yes or no.
Use Brené Brown's dictum: "choose discomfort over resentment" as a tool to support you in doing what is right for you. Say no instead of feeling resentment later.
Ideally, giving should be done freely, and with joy and a sense of generosity.

Highlights from Episode #68:

Vicki introduces the topic for this episode: giving and receiving. [00:51]
What comes to mind for you when you think about giving or receiving? [02:08]
There can be a lot of drama around giving and receiving. [03:10]
Have you ever expected to receive a gift, but when the time came, you didn’t get one? How did you feel? [04:02]
A male listener inspired this episode because he was feeling pressured to give to someone close to him. [04:34]
Vicki speaks about how to manage a situation when you feel pressured to give. [05:15]
Ideally, giving comes from a place of abundance, where we feel that we have more than enough and can freely give to others. [05:49]
Vicki states that when the experience of giving and receiving is healthy, there is a beautiful flow of energy that each person feels. [07:34]
Giving is a simple boundary issue but becomes complicated when emotions are involved. [08:06]
Vicki tells a story from her history about an unsuccessful attempt to get someone to give to her in an indirect and passive way. [12:01]
When someone is pressuring us to do something or give something, they usually do it indirectly. [14:01]
Vicki discusses how we have complete control over whether we say yes or no when someone asks something of us. [15:19]
It's important to know that the person you want a long term relationship with can accept limits. [16:28]
If someone continuously pressures you to do something, it becomes manipulative. [17:32]
Vicki believes that men genuinely want to give to women they care about, but they don’t want to be pressured or controlled to do so. [18:41]
Vicki says that if you have someone in your life that regularly urges you to give to them, you will have to get very clear with your limits so that you can avoid becoming resentful. [20:04]
Ideally, you will feel entirely free, happy, and generous when you give. [21:01]

Links and Resources:

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #68:

Giving and receiving come both come from a place of abundance.
Skillful gifting comes from a foundation of an abundance of spirit and resources, and good receivers graciously express their appreciation and don’t feel obligated to return the gift.
Giving to another person is an example of boundary work because you get to decide to give (yes) or not to give (no). Complications arise in close relationships or when there is a lot of emotion or pressure attached to giving.
Many people attempt to get others to give to them through passive means, rather than directly or cleanly.
When someone wants something from you, you have complete control to say yes or no.
Use Brené Brown's dictum: "choose discomfort over resentment" as a tool to support you in doing what is right for you. Say no instead of feeling resentment later.
Ideally, giving should be done freely, and with joy and a sense of generosity.

Highlights from Episode #68:

Vicki introduces the topic for this episode: giving and receiving. [00:51]
What comes to mind for you when you think about giving or receiving? [02:08]
There can be a lot of drama around giving and receiving. [03:10]
Have you ever expected to receive a gift, but when the time came, you didn’t get one? How did you feel? [04:02]
A male listener inspired this episode because he was feeling pressured to give to someone close to him. [04:34]
Vicki speaks about how to manage a situation when you feel pressured to give. [05:15]
Ideally, giving comes from a place of abundance, where we feel that we have more than enough and can freely give to others. [05:49]
Vicki states that when the experience of giving and receiving is healthy, there is a beautiful flow of energy that each person feels. [07:34]
Giving is a simple boundary issue but becomes complicated when emotions are involved. [08:06]
Vicki tells a story from her history about an unsuccessful attempt to get someone to give to her in an indirect and passive way. [12:01]
When someone is pressuring us to do something or give something, they usually do it indirectly. [14:01]
Vicki discusses how we have complete control over whether we say yes or no when someone asks something of us. [15:19]
It's important to know that the person you want a long term relationship with can accept limits. [16:28]
If someone continuously pressures you to do something, it becomes manipulative. [17:32]
Vicki believes that men genuinely want to give to women they care about, but they don’t want to be pressured or controlled to do so. [18:41]
Vicki says that if you have someone in your life that regularly urges you to give to them, you will have to get very clear with your limits so that you can avoid becoming resentful. [20:04]
Ideally, you will feel entirely free, happy, and generous when you give. [21:01]

Links and Resources:

Previous Episode

#67 - What is “Unreasonable?” [Spoiler Alert: It’s in the Eye of the Beholder]

Has anyone ever told you that you were being unreasonable or that you made an unreasonable request? It's a common argument, with a simple resolution. In today's episode Vicki talks about why unreasonable is in the eye of the beholder, and how you can avoid arguing about whether or not something is unreasonable.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #67:

What is reasonable is a perception or an opinion.
Arguments about what is reasonable or unreasonable tend to arise when someone makes a request or they have an expectation of another person.
Responding to a request by saying "that's unreasonable" is a diversion, and doesn't address the request made.
Rather than arguing about whether or not a request is reasonable or unreasonable, focus on potential solutions in order to maintain intimate connection.

Highlights from Episode #67:

Welcome back to the show! [00:41]
How to get specific questions about infidelity, addiction, or betrayal answered by Vicki. [03:04]
This episode was inspired by several questions from a listener revolving around “what is unreasonable?” [04:18]
Unreasonable is a perception; and Vicki gives an example. [06:31]
When does the question or reasonable or unreasonable tend to become an issue in communication? [09:25]
Two concepts that are essential when you disagree with someone about whether or not something is reasonable. [14:44]
When receiving a request from another person, there are three options for responding. [15:08]
Has anyone ever told you that your request was unreasonable? Did it cause an argument? [16:16]
Tips for learning how to focus on solution or resolution while maintaining intimacy. [17:37]
Ask yourself, "is this going to build and maintain intimacy or harm it?" [18:32]

Links and Resources:

Next Episode

#69 - Boundaries Quick Tips #10: Why You Should Wait for the Ask

Have you gotten into a habit of answering questions that haven't even been asked? It's easy to do, especially when you can tell that the other person is feeling insecure, fearful, or potentially angry with you. Tune in and learn how to recognize statements that seem like questions and why you should avoid answering. Plus, tips on how to do that while preserving your energy, minimizing drama, and maintaining connection.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #69:

How to recognize a temptation to answer a question that hasn't been asked.
Why you should avoid answering questions that haven’t been asked.
How to avoid answering un-asked questions
Why answering un-asked questions causes problems or even drama.
How to invite another person to be more direct in getting their needs and wants met.
The skill of not answering un-asked questions involves both the listening and talking boundaries.

Highlights from Episode #69:

Vicki introduces the topic for this week's episode. [00:51]
Examples of statements that often get perceived as questions or requests. [01:34]
Vicki discusses these examples and spells out the unspoken questions. [02:49]
When you hear an indirect question you often want to jump to the rescue. [05:04]
Vicki says that if we dive in and rescue it can cause problems or misunderstandings. [05:41]
Vicki discusses what we do about indirect statements and offers some likely responses. [07:22]
She talks about how to respond when faced with an indirect question. [08:33]
Inviting the other person to be more direct keeps you from jumping to the rescue. [12:02]
The skill of not answering an un-asked question involves both the listening and talking boundaries. [12:21]
Vicki talks about the challenges of staying vulnerable in relationships and asking for what we need and want. [13:44]

Links and Resources: