Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries - #53 - Practicing Healthy Detachment

#53 - Practicing Healthy Detachment

06/05/19 • 32 min

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Wondering how detachment relates to boundaries and why practicing detachment is so difficult? Listen close because in today’s episode we dig into the definition of detachment and how properly implementing this skill in our relationships will help strengthen them and our boundaries.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #53:

Detachment cannot be practiced without boundaries because no matter how you choose to detach, a boundary must be set for detachment to succeed.
It is important to recognize the people and situations who you should detach yourself from and why. Sometimes you have to detach from a person completely, and other times you detach from a situation regarding a person.
Detachment does not mean that you are selfish or that you should keep your thoughts and emotions to yourself. Also, detachment is not neglect. You have a duty to pay attention to things that are wrong and address them.
When you are feeling very charged about a situation or very righteous about a situation, it may be healthy and advisable to practice detachment.
There are several skills to hone in order to improve the art of detachment. Listen well, state your attachment out loud, and know the difference between sharing your reality and controlling the other person’s behavior.

Highlights from Episode #53:

Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode and talks about detachment and how it relates to boundaries. [00:39]
Vicki defines detachment, and how it relates to setting boundaries. [01:50]
Detachment and boundaries go together but they are also related and detachment cannot be practiced without boundaries. [02:50]
Vicki dives into different areas of attraction in several types of relationship structures and the potentially harmful levels attachment can reach. [04:41]
There are two different ways to think about detachment and Vicki reveals both. [06:46]
Vicki reveals all the things that detachment is not and the things to watch for when detachment goes wrong. [09:13]
Vicki talks about the times that detachment is helpful are advisable. [17:10]
Learn the skills needed to learn and practice the art of detachment. [21:35]
If you’re just starting the practice of detachment, start slow in less charged situations. [29:51]
Detachment is ultimately about freeing you from feeling as if you need to manage others. [30:57]
Vicki recaps what detachment is, why you need it, and how to practice it. [31:34]

Links and Resources:

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #53:

Detachment cannot be practiced without boundaries because no matter how you choose to detach, a boundary must be set for detachment to succeed.
It is important to recognize the people and situations who you should detach yourself from and why. Sometimes you have to detach from a person completely, and other times you detach from a situation regarding a person.
Detachment does not mean that you are selfish or that you should keep your thoughts and emotions to yourself. Also, detachment is not neglect. You have a duty to pay attention to things that are wrong and address them.
When you are feeling very charged about a situation or very righteous about a situation, it may be healthy and advisable to practice detachment.
There are several skills to hone in order to improve the art of detachment. Listen well, state your attachment out loud, and know the difference between sharing your reality and controlling the other person’s behavior.

Highlights from Episode #53:

Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode and talks about detachment and how it relates to boundaries. [00:39]
Vicki defines detachment, and how it relates to setting boundaries. [01:50]
Detachment and boundaries go together but they are also related and detachment cannot be practiced without boundaries. [02:50]
Vicki dives into different areas of attraction in several types of relationship structures and the potentially harmful levels attachment can reach. [04:41]
There are two different ways to think about detachment and Vicki reveals both. [06:46]
Vicki reveals all the things that detachment is not and the things to watch for when detachment goes wrong. [09:13]
Vicki talks about the times that detachment is helpful are advisable. [17:10]
Learn the skills needed to learn and practice the art of detachment. [21:35]
If you’re just starting the practice of detachment, start slow in less charged situations. [29:51]
Detachment is ultimately about freeing you from feeling as if you need to manage others. [30:57]
Vicki recaps what detachment is, why you need it, and how to practice it. [31:34]

Links and Resources:

Previous Episode

#52 - Quick Tips #6: What Not to Do On an Elevator Alone With a Woman

This quick tips episode is officially called “What Not to Do On an Elevator Alone With a Woman,” but it’s actually a boundary rant. Speaking of boundary rants, I’ve been thinking about making rants a regular series on the blog. If I do, I’ll even invite listeners to call in with recorded rants about boundaries, and then play a few on the podcast. If that sounds interesting to you, send me a note!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #52:

This episode was inspired by a recent experience in an elevator with a man who was almost certainly harmless, but also unconscious and clueless of elevator etiquette.
When you get on an elevator—regardless of whether you’re alone with a woman—don’t block the door.
When you’re on an elevator alone with a woman, don’t stare at any part of her. Better yet, turn slightly away from her. Also, don’t stand in the middle of the elevator; move to the side opposite the buttons to give her some space.
If you get off the elevator first, don't stand in the doorway and hold her hostage in the elevator.
Some women will not get on an elevator with a man alone. This isn’t about you, so don’t take it personally.

Highlights from Episode #52:

Welcome to the podcast! This quick tips episode is all about what not do on an elevator alone with a woman. [00:39]
Vicki explains what inspired her to record this episode. [02:27]
We hear the story of the recent experience that Vicki had in an elevator in her office building. [04:42]
Vicki takes a moment to share the detail that she had a temporary tattoo, which ends up being important in the story. [06:23]
Before the man in the elevator got off on his floor, he blocked the elevator doors to tell Vicki about his recent face-painting experience. [09:12]
Vicki explains exactly what was wrong with the story, and lists some things that you shouldn’t do on an elevator. [11:22]

Links and Resources:

Next Episode

#54 - Above & Beyond Gratitude: Expressing Appreciation for the Ordinary and "Expected”

Expressing appreciation and gratitude communicates love to the important people in your life. Understanding how your loved ones receive — or want to receive — appreciation requires both a good talking and listening boundary. When is the last time you expressed gratitude for the small things? Are you confused about expressing gratitude for the "basics" in a relationship due to past hurts? Tune in and learn more about expressing appreciation and gratitude.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #54:

Expressing gratitude for small things is essential to using and practicing the talking boundary. Depending on your situation you may also need to practice your listening boundary, the most difficult of the five boundaries.
The best way to express more gratitude is to commit yourself to a daily habit and appreciating your people in the way they want to be appreciated. (Check out the 5 Love Languages Quiz created by Gary Chapman)
Gratitude is, at its root, about grace. If you don’t feel that you have grace for your partner, then don’t do force yourself to express gratitude to her or him. Gratitude needs to align with your reality and should feel right to you.

Highlights from Episode #54:

Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode about above and beyond gratitude, and remembering to express appreciation for ordinary things in life. [00:40]
Why should you express appreciation for the day-to-day tasks? Vicki shares how this practice strengthens relationships. [02:08]
Vicki explains how expressing appreciation relates to the talking boundary. [02:45]
Vicki provides examples of expressing gratitude and appreciation in relationships. [05:38]
Start with asking how the other person likes to be appreciated. Taking Gary Chapman’s Love Languages Quiz and reviewing his book can help provide some answers. [07:30]
What if you are in a more difficult situation involving abuse, infidelity, or addiction? Vicki discuss how, or whether, to express gratitude in these difficult circumstances. [10:34]
First focus on your own thoughts and feelings before expressing gratitude. [12:49]
Expressing gratitude in a previously abusive or addicted relationship can include acknowledging times that the abusive party was kind, gentle, and loving. [13:46]
Obtaining more information about your spouse and how they process acts of love and gratitude will help foster a better relationship with effective boundaries. [15:15]

Links and Resources: