#4: Women and Boundaries: Struggles and Strengths

04/04/18 • 35 min

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Every first episode of each month focuses on women and boundaries. Women are vulnerable in ways that men aren't, and the inherent power imbalances in society can contribute to women experiencing more boundary violations. I discuss why these imbalances exist, some of the inherent strengths women have and how those strengths can contribute to boundary challenges. I will devote the first episode of each month to the topic of women and boundaries—so be sure to tune in!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #4:

Women have unique issues and topics to address when it comes to boundaries. My first episode of the month will be be dedicated to these women’s topics. Men, keep tuning in to better understand and navigate interactions with women.
It’s problematic to claim to be racially color-blind or gender-blind, because this perspective bypasses important differences and ignores the reality of the way things are. We miss not only the specific challenges, but also the beauty of differences.
Women deal with safety issues every day, including considering what time of day to go outside, specific aspects related to travel, and other topics that most men don’t need to constantly think about.
Research has shown that infant girls have innate differences from boys. For example, infant and toddler girls are better at mimicking what someone else is doing, and hold eye contact longer. These differences make women uniquely gifted at establishing and maintaining connection with others, but can also contribute to women’s reluctance or inability to fully own their power.

In today’s episode, I address topics related to boundaries and women. Women are vulnerable in may ways that men are not, including in the workplace and politics. These disparities and the unbalance of power lead to boundary violations. With that said, it’s important to be clear that these systems and disparities aren’t perpetuated only by men. I also talk about why these imbalances exist, the inherent differences between men and women, and some unique boundary-related topics that women face. In future first-of-the-month episodes, I’ll cover more about women and boundaries, so tune in today and in the future!

Highlights from Episode #4:

In This Episode:

What it looks like when men are unconscious around issues of boundaries with women. [02:21]

Some of the specific challenges that women have when it comes to boundaries include safety-related topics. [08:38]

Generally speaking, women tend to be vulnerable in ways that men are not. [11:47]

When you have a power imbalance in the workplace, it’s very problematic to describe any sexual interaction as consensual. [13:55]

The role of boundaries in safety, and how much time women spend focused on safety and scanning for danger. [18:42]

Topics surrounding sexual boundaries in terms of keeping women safe. [25:24]

Some boundary challenges relate to women’s unique and inherent strengths. [27:02]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Brené Brown

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #4:

Women have unique issues and topics to address when it comes to boundaries. My first episode of the month will be be dedicated to these women’s topics. Men, keep tuning in to better understand and navigate interactions with women.
It’s problematic to claim to be racially color-blind or gender-blind, because this perspective bypasses important differences and ignores the reality of the way things are. We miss not only the specific challenges, but also the beauty of differences.
Women deal with safety issues every day, including considering what time of day to go outside, specific aspects related to travel, and other topics that most men don’t need to constantly think about.
Research has shown that infant girls have innate differences from boys. For example, infant and toddler girls are better at mimicking what someone else is doing, and hold eye contact longer. These differences make women uniquely gifted at establishing and maintaining connection with others, but can also contribute to women’s reluctance or inability to fully own their power.

Highlights from Episode #4:

In This Episode:

What it looks like when men are unconscious around issues of boundaries with women. [02:21]

Some of the specific challenges that women have when it comes to boundaries include safety-related topics. [08:38]

Generally speaking, women tend to be vulnerable in ways that men are not. [11:47]

When you have a power imbalance in the workplace, it’s very problematic to describe any sexual interaction as consensual. [13:55]

The role of boundaries in safety, and how much time women spend focused on safety and scanning for danger. [18:42]

Topics surrounding sexual boundaries in terms of keeping women safe. [25:24]

Some boundary challenges relate to women’s unique and inherent strengths. [27:02]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Brené Brown

Previous Episode

#3: Boundaries in Balance (and at the Extremes) + Boundary Ruptures and Boundary Violations

I cover the whole spectrum of boundaries—from boundary-less to walled off, including what boundaries look like when they’re in balance. Plus, I’ll talk about the difference between boundary ruptures and boundary violations and give plenty examples of each. Boundary ruptures and boundary violations can be traumatic, and in future episodes, I’ll be going into detail about how to respond when someone breaks an agreement with you or violates a boundary.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #3:

To understand boundaries in balance and at the extremes, picture a straight line between two extremes of a boundaries continuum. One extreme is being behind a wall where you’re not available either physically, sexually, or emotionally. At the other extreme a person has no boundaries, is too vulnerable, or may have no boundaries with other people.
In between the two extremes, there is a healthy middle. When your boundaries are in balance, you feel protected, you protect other people from your own boundary-less behavior, while at the same time being vulnerable.
Your boundaries are strongly influenced by the culture you grew up in as well as what you learned from your family growing up. Cultural norms for boundaries aren’t necessarily good or bad; however, you get to decide what boundaries feel right for you.
What is the difference between a boundary rupture and a boundary violation? Knowing the difference will help you figure out how you want to respond.

In today’s episode I cover the whole spectrum of boundaries—from boundary-less to walled off, including what boundaries look like when they’re in balance. Plus, I’ll talk about the difference between boundary ruptures and boundary violations and give plenty examples of each. Boundary ruptures and boundary violations can be traumatic, and in future episodes I’ll be going into detail about how to respond when someone breaks an agreement with you or violates a boundary.

Highlights from Episode #3:

In This Episode:

What boundaries look like when they’re out of balance. [02:12]
Cultural differences when it comes to the way boundaries work in interpersonal relationships. [06:22]
The two extremes on the boundaries continuum—being walled off or being too vulnerable. [09:00]
The healthy middle between the two extremes. [11:31]
Boundary ruptures and boundary violations. [12:57]
Examples of boundary violations. [20:59]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Robin Williams groped and flashed me on set, says Mork & Mindy co-star, The Guardian, March 21, 2018.

Next Episode

#5: Four Signs That You May Need to Set a Boundary

I return to our look at foundations of good boundary work, after taking a slight detour last week to talk about women and boundaries. You’ll learn four signs that you might need to set a boundary: feeling anger, resentment (or victim-anger), out-of-control, overwhelmed, or getting feedback from other people that you’re overstepping limits or are a chronic boundary pusher. Recognizing these four signs, and assessing whether you want to set a boundary, is a great beginning to developing healthy, effective boundaries in every part of your life.

Biggest Takeaways from Episode #5:

You can’t control other people by creating boundaries for them, but you can create boundaries for yourself around you respond.
My favorite definition of resentment comes from Pia Mellody: victim anger. When you feel resentful, it’s important to ask whether your boundaries have been violated. If not, then you’re not actually a victim. Taking on victimhood as an identity is disempowering and a losing strategy both individually and in relationships.
When you want to make a change, it’s helpful to do so incrementally instead of trying to make a big change all at once.
If you’re closer to the boundary-less end of the continuum between boundary-less or walled off, pay extra attention to whether or not you’re respecting others’ boundaries. For example, touching other people without their permission—even in a casual way that feels natural to you—may be perceived as a boundary violation by a person who doesn't like to be touched by acquaintances or strangers, or is a trauma survivor and highly sensitive to unwanted touch.

Highlights from Episode #5:

One of the barriers to good boundary work is when you don’t recognize the need to set a boundary. There are four signs that you probably need to set a boundary. [01:33]
The first sign that you may need to set a boundary is feeling anger. [03:29]
Feeling resentment, which is anger coupled with the perception of being a victim, is the second sign that you may need to set a boundary. [08:22]
There are times when you are a victim of someone else’s behavior, but it’s dangerous to wear victimhood as a badge of honor or take it on as an identity. [11:55]
Feeling overwhelmed or out-of-control is the third sign that you may need to set a boundary. [16:04]
The fourth and final sign that you may need to set a boundary is when you repeatedly get feedback from other people that you’re overstepping a limit. This is especially relevant with regard to unwanted physical touch. [18:50]
A recap of the four signs that you might need to set a boundary[23:09]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Pia Mellody

5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier