Saying "I'm Sorry" (Repair pt. 2)

In last week’s episode, I talked about how to forgive yourself when you yell, shame, hurt, or otherwise show up in a way you don’t love as a parent. Today, we’re talking about what comes next - saying “I’m sorry” and having a repair conversation with your child.

You’ll Learn:

• Why saying “I’m sorry” is so important (and why it’s only one piece of repair)
• 4-step formula for a repair conversation (with examples)
• What you need to do before you have this conversation with your kid
• How to repair after a longer period of time when you weren’t showing up as the parent you want to be

It’s normal to lose it with your kid. What’s important is how you choose to handle it afterward.

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You know what this looks like...

Your kid keeps complaining about what you’re serving for dinner.

Or they keep asking for something over and over, even though you already said no.

Or they start hitting their sibling while you’re trying to make an appointment on your phone.

You lose your compassion and patience and get angry, overwhelmed, irritated, or frustrated. You get dysregulated, short-tempered, and disrespectful toward your child.

What It Feels Like For Your Kid

Children are very self centered. That's their natural way of viewing the world. They're pretty sure the world revolves around them.

So when they notice that you’re mad, they will automatically think that they are the reason. And further, they’ll think that something is wrong with who they are. They don’t know how to separate their core self from their behavior yet. They internalize our anger, and it's very easy for them to go into shame.

This means that when you yell or get upset, you have to go back and give your child some understanding of why you behaved the way you did. We call this repair.

You explain to them that you were in a big feeling cycle, and you didn’t use your tools of taking a pause or deep breathing or moving your body or whatever you typically use to calm yourself.

The conversation is about repairing your relationship with your child, as well as their self-esteem and internal self-talk (basically your kid’s relationship with themself).

When To Repair

Here are some signs that your child might need a repair conversation with you. You might notice that they:

• Seem deflated
• Withdraw from you
• Look confused by your face or your behavior
• Cry
• Run away
• Get more aggressive

When you act out your big feelings on your kid, it activates their stress response. They go into fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fawn.

Anytime you notice that you’ve created a rupture, go make a repair.

If you’re at the beginning of your Calm Mama journey, you’ll probably have to do this a lot. You haven’t developed the skills yet, and that’s okay. You are still learning.

Another thing to note is that the repair conversation should happen separately from parenting, limit setting, or correction. You might feel tempted to say something to your kid like, “I’m sorry I yelled, but I wouldn’t yell at you if you would just put your pajamas on.” Discussion about your child’s behavior is a whole different conversation.

You are responsible for how you respond to misbehavior. Repair is the time for you to fix your mistake and reconnect.

How To Have a Repair Conversation: Saying “I’m Sorry”

Repair is the act of returning to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging its impact on your child. You caused a problem with your behavior, and it is your responsibility to make it right.

You’re essentially saying to your child, “Hey, I know that happened. I was wrong. I’m sorry, and I’m working on it.”

But it’s not enough just to say, “I’m sorry.” We also want our kids to have a chance to talk about how they felt in that moment and have their feelings acknowledged. We want them to understand that your behavior was not about them.

Remember, it’s not your kid’s job to forgive you and make you feel better. You have to do that work for yourself first. Take the time to reflect, get calm, and forgive yourself for your mistake.

When you’re ready, you are the one who should initiate the repair conversation. Don’t wait for your kid to come to you. Whether it’s the same day or a couple of days later, come back to the incident in a timely manner.

Step 1: Narrate the moment of disconnection. Let your child know that you’ve been thinking about what happened. Talk about how you acted out.

Step 2: Take responsibility. This is the “I’m sorry.” Before you go into this conversation, make sure that you are truly read...