Become A Calm Mama

Recently, I’ve coached a few different moms about allowance and chores. These concepts often go together, but I think about them as two separate pieces. Today, I’ll teach you how to use giving allowance to teach financial literacy to your kids.

You’ll Learn:

• Why I don’t believe you should pay your kid to do chores
• Financial lessons all kids should learn
• The value of giving an allowance
• How to use allowance to teach financial literacy

Giving allowance gives your kid the ability to have some money in their pocket so they can learn how to spend, how to save, how to have regret, and how to feel proud. Listen to learn how.

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Why Financial Literacy Matters

Managing money is a skill - and an important one. When you want to teach your kids how to read, you give them books. When you want to teach your kids about their feelings, you emotionally coach them about their feelings. When you want to teach them how to count or do math, you give them small items that they can count and manipulate.

So if you want to teach your kids about money, you have to give them some money.

There are a lot of things I want my kids to learn and understand about money. In order to do that, they have to make decisions and have a lot of different experiences with money.

I want them to experience the feeling of having some money and then spending it. I want them to spend money and be thrilled by the purchase. And I also want them to have the feeling of spending money on something that’s not good quality that breaks right away or that they regret.

I want them to have the feeling of saving their money in order to get something. But I also want them to have the feeling of wanting something and not having enough because they didn't save.

I even want them to have the experience of paying for fines. Sometimes, in life, we make a mistake and we have to pay money to fix it.

Ultimately, I want them to experience both success and failure when it comes to making decisions and spending money. This is how we learn.

The Allowance-Chores Connection

My take on allowance and chores might be a little different than you’re used to. While the two are connected, I don’t actually believe that you should pay your kids to do chores.

Allowance is meant to teach financial literacy. Chores teach kids how to be in community. As a part of your family community, they should participate and help out...just because they live there. Both help teach responsibility.

So if you’re not paying your kid to do chores, how do they fit together?

As a member of the family, your child will have jobs to do around the house. There will be expectations for them to meet.

If they don’t do their jobs, what happens? Often, you end up doing the job for them, and they’ll need to pay you back for the time and energy it took you to do that.

Not doing their chore is a mistake. When you make mistakes, you have to pay for them in some way. You have to make it right. One way is for them to pay you back in time. If you did one of their chores, they can do one of yours. Another way is to pay you back in money.

For example, you might give your kid $5 a week for allowance. One night, you realize they didn’t take out the trash, so you do it before bed. The next day (or the next time you pay allowance), you say, “This chore that I did cost $1,” so they owe you that or you take it out of their allowance for the next week.

The shift is that the amount of their allowance is set, but you are docking their pay for things they didn’t do.

Giving Allowance to Teach Financial Literacy

These are some tips and things to think about to use an allowance as a financial literacy tool.

Decide how much allowance you’ll give. This is a personal decision that depends on your financial situation, how many kids you have, etc. The cool thing is that when you start giving your kid allowance and stop buying extra stuff (if you have been), you’ll have a better handle on your own money.

In my opinion, $1 a week is great up until age 5-7. Then, you can raise it a little bit. We did $5 a week for a really long time with our boys.

Once they hit high school, it was more like $20 a week, because they were paying for food, movies, bowling, etc. when they were out with their friends. Now, in college, we give them slightly more than is necessary for the week or month, and they use that to pay for any extras.

Decide what you’re willing to pay for and what your kid has to pay for themselves. For example, if you’re going to a carnival, what will you provide? What extras does your kid have to buy for themselves? Maybe you pay for their admission or a ride wrist band or one sweet treat. Anything beyond that, they’ll need to pay for on th...

Many people believe that thinking about regrets is a waste of time or unimportant. But I think it can actually be informative and instructive. Today, I’m sharing some of my parenting regrets as I look back on the decisions I made when my kids were younger. I want to show you how you can use regret in a positive, supportive way.

You’ll Learn:

• Why regret can actually be a good thing
• Regrets I have from my own parenting journey
• How to handle regret in a compassionate and useful way
• How to use regret as fuel for your future goals

But regret doesn’t need to be destructive. You can process those feelings and then use that regret to fuel you. It can lead to forgiveness, a deeper compassion for yourself or action toward changes you want to make in your life.

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As we wrap up 2024, it’s a good time to reflect on where you’re at and do some gentle reflection. Through this process, you may notice mistakes you made or areas of your life where you don’t think you’re doing that great.

Often, when we think or talk about our mistakes, we end up feeling a lot of embarrassment and shame around them. We tend to beat ourselves up, and we don’t really know what to do with those regrets.

But regret doesn’t need to be destructive. You can process those feelings and then use that regret to fuel you. It can lead to forgiveness, a deeper compassion for yourself or action toward changes you want to make in your life. Instead of ignoring it and pushing forward, you can gain something from that mistake or regret.

Dealing with Regret as a Mom

It’s normal to make mistakes as a mom.

It is normal for you to pick an educational path and then decide that it wasn't right for your kid.

It's normal to make them stay in a sport and then find out that they were getting a chronic injury that you didn’t know about.

You're going to act in ways you don’t love.

You’ll create disconnection with your kids.

You'll sometimes say things the wrong way or say things you wish you hadn't.

You’re going to push your kid too hard sometimes and not hard enough at others.

It’s impossible to do motherhood perfectly. Especially when so many of the decisions we make as moms are based on an unknown future. You make the best decision you can at the time with whatever kind of capacity you have.

And that’s okay. You don’t want to do it perfectly anyway. Because when you make a mistake, you learn from it, grow and change.

When you feel regret starting to creep in...

Accept that you have limited capacity. Not everything can be the most important thing. If there is something you can’t fully commit to now, you might regret it later. This is where forgiveness comes in. Instead of getting stuck in the coulda, woulda, shoulda, you can say, “Well, I guess I didn’t have it in me at that time.”

Balance compassion and responsibility. This is the same thing we try to do for our kids. You don’t need to bury yourself in guilt and shame. But you do want to be willing to accept feedback, take an honest look at the situation.

Love yourself through the process of using your mistakes to serve you instead of hurt you. This way, when your kid comes to you with feedback, you can receive it without it crushing you. You can be ready to make amends, apologize or make things right.

Here are five ways to handle regret when it comes up.

1. Undo it. As soon as you realize you’re making a mistake, go back and fix it.
2. “At least” it. If you can’t go back and fix it, reframe the situation for yourself. Look at it from another angle and try to find the positive. What is good here? If you were late to a baseball game... “at least we got here.”
3. Disclose it. Share your mistake and your shame. Say it out loud. Admit to yourself that you have a problem.
4. Normalize it. Recognize that what you’re experiencing is probably pretty normal. In my work, this comes up a lot with normalizing yelling, wanting a break from your kids or feeling bitter when they come back from time away.
5. Distance it. Imagine it from someone else’s perspective or imagine it 10 years from now. This can help you separate yourself a bit from the problem.

The cool thing is that you can always repair anything, but you have to be honest with yourself.

My Parenting Regrets

I am a parenting coach, and I know that I’m a really good parent. I have a lot of information, a lot of privilege and a lot of access. And I have still made decisions and done things as a parent that I don’t love.

Part of my parenting manifesto is, “Parenting is my opportunity for growth”. I use these experiences to learn about myself, my ...

If you’re setting goals or resolutions for 2025, this episode is for you!

This year, I was asked a question that stopped me in my tracks and shifted my entire approach to goal setting. The end result was goals that made me feel joyful instead of shitty.

Now, I’m sharing that question with you.

You’ll Learn:

• My theme for the year
• Why thinking you need to “fix yourself” will sabotage your goals
• How to use the 7 “life areas” to set meaningful goals
• The reflection question that stopped me in my tracks

Listen to learn the process I used to create a vision, goals and some actions steps for 2025.

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This year, I was asked a question that stopped me in my tracks and shifted my entire approach to goal setting.

What about your life doesn’t need to improve or change?

When I read the question, I immediately felt myself push against it. I was like, “Oh, I don't want to think about what’s going well.” To be honest, it took me a couple of days to get back to this question.

Maybe you’re like me when it comes to goal setting: I usually approach them from a kind of a “manager type” - let's find out all the problems in this system, and let's address those problems.

I usually start with questions like: Where are the gaps? Where are the problems? What are the things that are going wrong? What needs a Re-Solution? The “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” thing.

But this year, when I opened up Ameila Knott’s “Reimagining Resolutions” workbook and she asked me to look at “What about my life doesn't need to improve or change?" I saw very clearly how much I was using goal-setting as a “whip” to compare, measure, and criticize myself.

(This workbook is SOOO good, and Amelia is sharing it with the Calm Mama community for free! Get your copy of Reimagining Resolutions by clicking here.)

Reimagining Resolutions in 2025

Creating goals and dreams from a negative headspace of scarcity and “not good enough-ness” is like letting our inner critic give us a pep-talk. Not fun. (My inner critic can be pretty mean, although she’s much nicer than she used to be.)

When we let our most negative self define us, we’re left feeling “less than” and hopeless. No wonder most of us give up on our goals by mid-January...

But this year, very cool things happened when I spent time reflecting on my life from a place of gratitude, hope, satisfaction and contentment. Mostly I didn’t feel like shit. Instead I felt so joyful!

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is...

• Imagining that your life is GREAT exactly as it is today.
• Acknowledging what you’ve already achieved and created.
• Giving yourself credit for the things you’ve overcome.

This is the mindset you want to be in BEFORE you think about what you want to create or do in 2025.

From that headspace, you can take a look at the 7 major life areas (Spirit, Mind & Emotions, Body, Relationships, Livelihood, Play, and Space & Things) and decide if you WANT to work on anything new or different. I talk all about these in the episode.

You don’t have to do any of this, btw. You can let everything be good exactly as it is. Contentment is a super power.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

If you’re anything like me, you sometimes find yourself feeling grumpy, discontent or dissatisfied. And you’d rather be feeling joy, hope, trust or safety. Today, I’m sharing my step-by-step process for how to shift any mood.

You’ll Learn:

• My step-by-step process to shift any mood
• Why we tend to slip into negative moods
• How your thoughts help create the feelings you want
• When to use this mood shifting practice

Whether you’re gearing up for a beach day, a long drive or a visit with your in-laws, I’m going to teach you how to feel the way you want to feel during that experience.

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How To Shift Any Mood

First, it’s important to understand that your brain is like a muscle. Whenever you have a thought or an emotion that gets repeated in your brain, a neural pathway is formed and reinforced.

Maybe you’ve gotten into a pattern of looking for problems or feeling discontent. By using more intentional thinking, we can reroute those pathways.

As Robin Sharma says, “What you focus on grows, what you think about expands, and what you dwell upon determines your destiny.”

Decide what mood you want to be in. Ask yourself, “How do I want to feel during this experience?”

Define the feeling. Go a little deeper into what the feeling that you’re chasing really means. For example, if you want to be present, what does being present look like? If you want to feel joyful, calm, grateful or trusting, what does that mean to you? By focusing on the feeling and defining what it actually looks like and feels like in your body, you’ll be more able to experience it.

Identify obstacles. What might come up that would prevent you from feeling the way you want to feel? Your brain will probably come up with these pretty naturally. It will tell you that you can’t feel joy, belonging or ease for all kinds of reasons. Now, challenge those obstacles by soothing and reassuring yourself against that fear. If you want to be present, but you’re worried about the future, remind yourself that you don’t need to worry because you’ve overcome a lot of obstacles in the past.

Be intentional with your thoughts. Ask, “What thoughts help me feel the feeling I want?” List them out and choose a couple that feel good to you. You’ll use them a bit like a mantra. This is intentional thinking, and it’s how you stay in the feeling that you want and shift back into it.

Reinforce the new thoughts. Chasing a feeling often feels like exactly that - it's not easy to catch. It's right in front of you, and when you grab it, it pulls away again. Your brain is resisting this new neural pathway, so it takes work to keep getting back to the feeling you want. When you notice yourself slipping into more negative feelings (getting grumpy, short-tempered, etc.), use your intentional thoughts to bring yourself back.

You can use this process at any time (I love it as a daily practice), but there are a few situations when I find it especially helpful:

• Before a vacation
• Before visiting family or in-laws
• Before holidays
• When you’re struggling with how you feel in your body

I invite you to do this practice and decide, on purpose, how you want to feel this summer. Chase the feeling, be intentional with your thoughts and shift any mood.

Free Resources:

Get the free Summer Toolkit

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

If you’ve ever thought, “But my kid only listens when I yell,” this is for you. Today, I’m explaining why threats aren’t great when you’re trying to change behavior and what to do instead.

You’ll Learn:

• Why threats might work short-term but aren’t great in the long run
• The difference between threats and limits
• How to set limits that work
• What to do when your kid doesn’t stay within your boundaries

In traditional parenting, fear is often used to pivot a child's behavior. We get mean and harsh and threaten that something bad will happen if they don’t comply. But when you want to raise emotionally healthy kids who think for themselves, you need a different approach.

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Why We Threaten

One reason parents use threats with their kids is simply because it’s what they know. It’s how they were raised.

But even for those of us who are practicing a more compassionate approach, threats still creep up.

The reason is that when your kid misbehaves, you get into your limbic (emotional) center. You feel frustrated or overwhelmed. Changing the behavior feels like an urgent need, even an emergency. You get into “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” energy.

You want your kid to listen to you and do what you tell them - right now. And when they don’t you might use threats to trigger fear in them and get them to comply.

Why Threats Aren’t Great

The truth is that when we use threats to trigger fear in our children, they are more compliant. It’s effective in changing behavior. However, there is a long-term cost to that short-term gain.

Threats put your child into their fight, flight, freeze or fawn instinct, where they are driven by emotion. They feel vulnerable When you’re really upset with your kid and threatening them, it not only triggers a fear of the threat. It can trigger a deeper fear of rejection or abandonment.

I don’t want your kids to respond to you because they’re afraid of being hurt, physically or emotionally.

The other problem with the command-threat model is that when you tell your kid to stop doing something, their brain doesn’t really know what to do instead.

We want to help them move from the limbic center (where everything is driven by emotion) to executive function (where they’re actually thinking). We want them to choose to do what’s in their best interest.

By communicating limits, we tell them what we want them to do and help guide their brain toward the behavior we want.

Shifting from Threats to Limits

A limit helps kids understand what is expected of them and what they get when they meet those expectations.

In the Calm Mama Process of calm, connect, limit set, correct, you set clear boundaries and then let your child experience what happens when they don’t keep that limit.

The goal of limit setting is not to get compliance in the moment. It is to get your kid to think about their actions and start to connect the dots between how they behave and what happens when they behave that way.

Here’s how to get started with limits.

Step 1: Flip the threat into a limit. Often, when a limit is needed, you’ll see a pattern of behavior that you want to change. Identify the problem and the limit you want to set around it, and communicate it clearly to your child.

When you’re first practicing limits, it can help to start by saying it the “wrong” way - like a command along with a threat or a bribe. You might tell them that they need to stop doing something or else something bad will happen. For example, “If you don’t stop fighting with your brother, I’m turning this car around and going home.”

Then, shift it slightly to focus on what the child can do or have and what conditions they must meet. For example, “We can go to the park for a playdate as long as there are no problems in the car on the way there.”

Step 2: Don’t rescue. Rescuing looks like reminding your kid over and over again or not following through on the limit you set. You are trying to rescue them from the consequence by giving them more chances to comply.

Step 3: Follow through on your limit. Let your child experience the impact of their behavior.

The first few times you set limits, your kid probably won't believe you. They’ll think it’s just a threat, and they probably won’t listen. In the short term, the behavior might not change. That’s kinda the point. We want them to experience the negative impact of their behavior, because that is how they learn.

Step 4: Ride out the big feelings. When you follow through on a limit, your kid won’t like it. They might be sad, mad or disappointed, they might cry or yell. It’s normal for them to have a negative emotion when they experience a negative consequence. Don’t...