E69 - The Brutally Honest Conundrum

04/05/23 • 25 min

Why do we use the words "brutal" and "honest" together?

If we examine the definitions, brutal means “savagely violent,” and honest means “morally correct.” Interesting, right? How two very different things are associated so closely together.

In our society, the term “brutally honest” is often accepted as a positive quality. Take a second to pause and think about your dealings with someone who is “brutally honest.” Is it really a good thing?

The Brutally Honest Conundrum

When someone declares themselves “brutally honest,” they get an easy out. By adding the word "honest" after "brutal," they are informing you that they are about to hurt you, but that you should not experience any hurt because they're just being honest. That is a twist that's not only confusing and unfair, but it's also likely to make you feel that you're wrong for experiencing the hurt. That's gaslighting.

It’s the equivalent of phrases like these:

Not to be rude, but...
No offense, but...
You wanted my opinion, so you can’t be upset.

And when these phrases are spoken, the person gets an unfair opportunity to say what they think or feel without taking the time to formulate their message in a more thoughtful way.

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“Interesting fabric; I don’t know how you can wear that,” Stacy says to her friend Jen.
“You always have stories that drag on and on,” Steve says to his wife.
“I can tell you’ve been eating a lot of carbs lately,” Natalia’s mother tells her.

The brutally honest are unfiltered. We know exactly what they’re thinking as they’re thinking it. While sometimes it can be nice to not have to guess what someone is thinking, most times we don’t need to hear each and every thought the people around us have.

The receiver of the brutally honest message is left dealing with the hard “truth” alone because the curt way it’s delivered does not offer a safe space to keep the conversation going.

What if there’s a way around this? What if there’s a way to deliver an honest message without causing more damage and hurt? Luckily enough, there is. It’s "truth with compassion."

Truth With Compassion

Truth with compassion involves expressing your truth with the intention of promoting awareness rather than hurt. When a message is perceived as hurtful, the person you’re attempting to communicate with is more likely to shut down or go on the defensive. Basically, brutal honesty shuts down communication. Truth with compassion encourages communication.

Here’s how to do it:
1. Stop and think about the message you want to communicate. Understand what you want to express before vocalizing it.

2. Reflect upon who you are communicating with. What is their personality like? Do they have certain sensitivities? How can you express yourself in a way that they will hear you?

3. Pick the best time and place to communicate the words you’ve decided are most effective.

The Uc Moment : Timing , Constructiveness and What is your intention?

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Why do we use the words "brutal" and "honest" together?

If we examine the definitions, brutal means “savagely violent,” and honest means “morally correct.” Interesting, right? How two very different things are associated so closely together.

The Brutally Honest Conundrum

It’s the equivalent of phrases like these:

Not to be rude, but...
No offense, but...
You wanted my opinion, so you can’t be upset.

And when these phrases are spoken, the person gets an unfair opportunity to say what they think or feel without taking the time to formulate their message in a more thoughtful way.

article continues after advertisement

“Interesting fabric; I don’t know how you can wear that,” Stacy says to her friend Jen.
“You always have stories that drag on and on,” Steve says to his wife.
“I can tell you’ve been eating a lot of carbs lately,” Natalia’s mother tells her.

The receiver of the brutally honest message is left dealing with the hard “truth” alone because the curt way it’s delivered does not offer a safe space to keep the conversation going.

What if there’s a way around this? What if there’s a way to deliver an honest message without causing more damage and hurt? Luckily enough, there is. It’s "truth with compassion."

Truth With Compassion

Here’s how to do it:
1. Stop and think about the message you want to communicate. Understand what you want to express before vocalizing it.

2. Reflect upon who you are communicating with. What is their personality like? Do they have certain sensitivities? How can you express yourself in a way that they will hear you?

3. Pick the best time and place to communicate the words you’ve decided are most effective.

The Uc Moment : Timing , Constructiveness and What is your intention?

Previous Episode

E68 - Navigating Tough Conversations

An uncomfortable conversation is defined by the difficulty or sensitivity of the topic being discussed and the emotional responses it evokes in the participants.

Generally, an uncomfortable conversation involves a topic that is difficult to discuss, such as personal conflicts, taboo subjects, or controversial issues. It may also involve challenging someone's beliefs or actions, discussing sensitive topics like politics or religion, or addressing topics that evoke strong emotions like fear, anger, or sadness.

1.Having the conversation

2.Navigating through or out of the conversation

Beginning the conversation can be challenging but once you get it started you will realize it was worth it.

Know your goal.

If you go into the conversation with out an expected outcome, than you can’t be disappointed with the results.

1. Acknowledge the difficulty of the conversation: Recognizing the potential discomfort of the conversation can help to create a sense of empathy and understanding between the participants. For example, you might say "I know this is a difficult conversation to have, but I think it's important that we address this issue together."

Start with a positive statement: Beginning the conversation with a positive statement or observation can help to establish a constructive tone and create a sense of mutual respect. For example, you might say something like "I appreciate your perspective on this issue, and I'd like to share my own thoughts with you."
Use "I" statements: Using "I" statements can help to avoid sounding accusatory or confrontational. By focusing on your own feelings and experiences, you can express your concerns without placing blame on the other person. For example, you might say "I feel uncomfortable when we talk about this topic, and I'd like to discuss it further with you."
Ask open-ended questions: Asking open-ended questions can help to engage the other person in a dialogue and encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings. For example, you might ask "How do you feel about this situation?" or "What are your thoughts on this topic?"

If you are in the conversation, maybe you didn’t start it, how do you navigate through for best results or just get out of there?

Stay calm and focused: In any difficult conversation, it's important to remain calm and focused. Take deep breaths, remind yourself of your goals, and avoid getting caught up in the other person's emotions.
Listen actively: Active listening is important in any conversation, but it's especially crucial in uncomfortable ones. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying, and try to understand their perspective.
Show empathy and build rapport: Empathy and rapport-building techniques can help to create a sense of connection and understanding between you and the other person. Show that you respect their feelings and opinions and look for common ground.
Use positive framing: When discussing a difficult topic, use positive language to focus on potential solutions and positive outcomes. Reframe the conversation in a way that highlights mutual benefits.
Use strategic silence: Silence can be a powerful tool in any conversation. Use pauses to give yourself time to think, and to encourage the other person to continue speaking. Silenc

Next Episode

E70 - Premature Elaboration

Premature elaboration refers to the tendency of a person to provide excessive or unnecessary detail when communicating information. Here are some tips to avoid and correct this behavior:

Plan ahead: Before you communicate information to your direct reports, take a moment to plan out what you want to say. Decide what information is necessary to convey your message and what details can be omitted.
Keep it concise: When communicating information, it is important to be clear and concise. Stick to the main points and avoid going off on tangents or providing unnecessary details.
Consider your audience: Different people have different communication styles and preferences. Consider the needs and preferences of your direct reports when communicating with them. Some people may prefer more detail, while others may prefer a brief overview.
Practice active listening: When communicating with your direct reports, take the time to listen to their questions and concerns. This will help you better understand their needs and provide them with the information they need.

The advantages of using the correct time and place to give information to direct reports are numerous. By providing information at the right time and in the right place, you can:

Increase productivity: When employees have the information they need to do their jobs, they can work more efficiently and effectively.
Build trust: When you provide information in a timely and appropriate manner, you demonstrate your commitment to your employees and build trust.
Reduce stress: When employees have the information they need, they are less likely to feel stressed or overwhelmed.
Improve decision-making: When employees have access to the right information, they can make better decisions and take more informed actions.

Overall, providing information at the right time and place is a critical component of effective leadership. By avoiding premature elaboration and being strategic in your communication, you can build stronger relationships with your direct reports and help them achieve their goals.

The UC Moment: You can avoid premature elaboration by being more strategic in your conversations.