The Refined Collective Podcast

2020 has changed... everything. On all levels. But what I want to focus on in this episode is how dating has changed. You may have found that dating this year has maybe been really frustrating for you or really life-changing and beautiful. Either way, it is teaching some lessons we can carry into 2021 and I’m here for it.

1. Socially-distanced dating

• Did you ever think you’d consider FaceTime dates with a complete stranger? Hinge and Bumble are actively telling their users to have video calls.
• You can resist the change or you can embrace it.
• Honesty hour: they haven’t worked all that well for me. BUT it CAN! I have a friend who met a guy pre-quarantine, had FaceTime dates then socially distanced dates, and now 8 months later THEY’RE MARRIED!
• There’s an opportunity here to take things slow. You can get to know a person outside of the physical.

1. Are Politics a Deal Breaker?

• It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of Trump. If you like and voted for Trump, hear me, I do not hate you. In fact, I think it’s important we build bridges of connection. However, if I meet a man who thinks Trump is an incredible man of honor? Then our values are out of alignment and what is important to us does not match up. And that is important to me in a relationship.

1. I can trust my gut

• My whole life, I was taught not to trust myself. By family, by college athletic trainers, by the church, I was told I’m dramatic, I should ignore what my body is telling me, and my heart is deceitful.
• I’ve learned that I do have discernment. My body is good and my intuition speaks to me.
• Ephesians 2:10 “poiema” // We are the poetry of God. God doesn’t make bad things.
• How does this relate to dating? If there are no big red flags in dating, I think it’s smart to give a guy a chance for three dates. It takes time to get to know a person! BUT I do think it’s important to trust your gut. There’s a balance here: it doesn’t have to be “either or.” It can be a “both and.” Be gracious and open, but take yellow flags into consideration.

1. Being Christian isn’t enough

• Sharing faith still really matters to me, but now more than ever I recognize that it’s not the only thing that matters to me.
• I had an experience long distance dating a guy early this year and multiple times I brought up racial reconciliation and it was clearly not something that mattered to him. I also learned that gay people make him uncomfortable. I couldn’t understand how he could love God and not advocate for Black people and support the LGBTQIA community.
• The love of God isn’t dependent on whether or not you have heterosexual attraction.

1. Growth Mindset

• Confronted with an area of growth, what is your response? Is it defensiveness or humility?
• Instead of, “You’re wrong, I’m right.” It should be “I haven’t thought of it that way, I’d love to learn more.”

1. Show don’t tell

• Have you ever been with a guy who says all the right things? All the things you wanted to hear? Really pay attention to that.
• Someone can say the right things and not follow through, and really time will tell.
• Listen to what a guy says, not what you want him to say. If he says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you could think “Wow, he’s so vulnerable,” but really that’s a red flag.

1. Humor is non-negotiable

• I just about broke the internet with this IG post back in October. But I stand by this.
• Life is HARD! And we don’t need to be with a stand-up comedian, but life is messy and I need a guy who is a friend that I can laugh with.
• Physical attraction is important, but sex isn’t 24/7. Who do I want to be with when we’re going through the hard moments, the boring moments, the everyday moments?

1. Drop the double standards

• In that same IG post, I said you should be open to dating a guy who is shorter than you. And you all had a LOT of thoughts about it.
• We are always so upset when a guy doesn’t want to date us based on looks, but we’re doing the same thing by saying we won’t date a short guy.
• Be willing for love to look differently than you expected for yourself.
• If we have a standard for a guy, let’s live by that same standard.

1. Trust and surrender

• I’m 35... I want to have kids yesterday. I’m ready to settle down. I thought this was my year for love.
• I can do all the “right” things, be clear about my vision, be ope...

Sisterhood of the Traveling Kaftan

• Liz and I met at the Wild Hearts Conference. When we were in the green room backstage, I literally asked her if I could try on the dress she was wearing. Yes, that was the start of our friendship.
• I never thought a kaftan would look good on me, but it did! And this dress fits all sizes from 0 to 16. How incredible is that?
• “I didn’t think I was going to kaftan evangelize, at least not this early in the podcast.”

Enneagram Insights

• Is anyone else obsessed with personality tests??
• We come to the conclusion that if you’re a bit uncomfortable with your enneagram score, it means you probably got the right score. Wanna know what numbers Liz and I are? You gotta listen to the episode!
• Enneagrams help Liz to recognize everyone’s unique contributions to this complex world we live in. “I am delighted by difference.”

Growing Community

• “Come be a part of what we’re doing, but don’t do it out of pity or charity. Do it out of a sense of camaraderie and excitement about the future that we’re building together.”Sseko Designs has a Fellow program where people in the United States can be involved with the brand by hosting events and representing Sseko in their own community.
• Liz found that there was a need for opportunity for women in the United States as well as East Africa.
• Recently Sseko Designs brought 10 United States Fellows to Uganda. The women of Sseko and the fellows got a chance to share their stories with one another. How powerful is that?
• “You’re not going on a mission trip, you are going to meet your colleagues that are alongside of you and that are co-creating a brighter future with you.”
• Liz is constantly asking herself, “Are we doing this in a way that is consistent, true to the core of our mission, and our why?”

For those of you who are inspired by what you’ve learned here today, you can make a difference. Liz loves to see inspired women inspire other women. It starts a chain of fulfillment and passion for life. “If she can do it, why can’t I?”

I hope you’re feeling as absolutely inspired as I am. Liz is such a genuine soul and I had so much fun talking with her. If you enjoyed this episode, I want to invite you to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast. It would mean so much!

This episode is brought to you by the free PDF guide called “While You Wait.” It is full of resources that I personally found to be very helpful while I was finding my ‘why’ behind waiting until marriage to have sex.

XO,

Kat Harris

Links:

Sseko Designs Website

Sseko Deigns Fellow Program

Sseko Designs Kaftan

‘Meet the Women’

Sseko Deisngs Instagram

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We Are Not Invincible

• Right at the time when all of these tremendous accomplishments were happening in her life, she was hit with a diagnosis of a rare form of melanoma and the subsequent surgeries needed to remove it.
• As a first generation immigrant and woman of color, Komal has always felt the need to push through everything, but this was not something she could push through on her own.
• Komal opens up about her vertigo and partial vision loss she woke up with one morning and talks about her healing process.

“There Were Whispers”

• Looking back, she sees warning signs that she was on her way to that breaking point. “I had developed a version of myself that only knew how to run.”
• She sees connections back to her past, including witnessing abuse and violence as she was growing up.
• She recognizes that she can’t place blame on herself for any of it. “ I did not do this to myself, but I can recover from it in the ways I can.”

The Healing Process

• We talk a lot about something that I relate to personally: the connection between the physical, spiritual, and emotional health.
• Komal found healing by practicing self-care: meditation, using a mindset coach, and seeing her doctors. “Doing the really tough things that build a strong foundation in our lives, within which, once that’s done, facials and manicures can actually make you feel good.”
• We discuss the idea of cutting out the bad in life. While that’s a good practice, you have to make sure to have the hard conversations where needed.
• She emphasizes that you have to allow your self to feel all of your feelings (especially the bad ones), because they are valid and you need to understand them in order to move through them. “What different perspectives can we give to the memories that are haunting us?”

Thanks for listening, tribe. This episode was sponsored by our very own Patreon Tribe! You can join our Podcast Tribe at www.patreon.com/therefinedcollective and support our Podcast for as little as $5/month with first access to the podcast!

XO, Kat Harris

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What is Discernment?

• He grew up in the church, was a “nice, agreeable Christian boy.” However, he was lying all the time—pretending he wasn’t aware of these spiritual atmospheres around him.
• “I started opposing the disfunction in my relationships.”

The Purpose of Discernment

• Discernment exposes darkness in someone’s individual life or corporately.
• It also provides accountability and sets a standard in community.
• Discernment shows us the heart behind actions are more important than the actions themselves.
• “My response is not going to be based on the action, it’s going to be based on where it is coming from in the spirit.”

How to Step Into Discernment

• Position yourself as a student with someone who has discernment.
• Spend time with people who are wise and discerning. Ask them questions!
• Be curious.
• Read: Seeing the Supernatural by Jennifer Eivaz

Entrepreneurship

• He has always been a great employee and student but he feels unrest in those situations. He needs to be innovating.
• When you say yes to wealth, you start having the eyes to see it.
• He recalls the moment he realized his side hustles brought in enough money for him to quit his full time job.

Side Hustle to Main Hustle

• Financial intelligence is important in this sort of risk-taking.
• “You are the most powerful asset you will ever have access to.”
• “You will be in every season of your life. Invest in who you are.”
• The number one thing to ask yourself to discern if you’re ready to go full-time into your side hustle: Can I bet on me?

How Can We Make This Not Woo-Woo?

• We constantly need to reimagine what success means to us.
• Poverty was a high value in the early church. “God is not broke.”
• “What you say yes to in your life is what you’re going to produce. It’s a byproduct of an ecosystem you have said yes to in your own being.”
• We have to get rid of these false beliefs about God and us when it comes to lack and poverty and control.
• “There’s more than enough! That’s the nature of the kingdom we are of.”

Further Reading for Entrepreneurs

• Rich Dad. Poor Dad. By Robert T. Kiyosaki
• Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
• The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz
• Building A Story Brand by Donald Miller
• The 10X Rule by Grant Cardone

Head over to MikeMaeshiro.com to see his resources, coaching services, and all the things. He is also on Instagram at @mikemaeshiro and YouTube at Mike Maeshiro. He also has a podcast called Confessions of a Reformer about all the things.

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Here’s what I won’t do:

• Tell you what to do.
• Give you a script to regurgitate to yourself and others to justify any of your actions.
• Shame or judge you for your past or your current decisions.
• Try to fix you or convince you of anything.

What I hope to do:

• Point you to Jesus, to Scripture, and to nuance.
• Normalize a healthy conversation around sex, sexuality, desire, and yes— masturbation

o The word alone can feel shame inducing, right? How many times do you say ‘masturbation’ out loud on a regular basis?

o God is not ashamed of our sexual desire and sexuality—he created it (Genesis 1: 26-31).

• Give you tools to equip you to navigate your faith, values, and a dialogue around masturbation.
• Don’t take my word for it—I’m not God. This is where I am at after close to 7 years of researching, praying, doubting, trial and error, and tough conversations.
• God created you with a mind—use it!

Finally, it’s ok if we don’t see eye to eye—we can still love, respect, and honor one another even if we come to different conclusions.

My Personal Story:

Before we move forward with vision and walk out today with clarity, we have to be willing to look backwards: how, why, and through what means did we get here?

· Home: ‘It’s okay to masturbate.’

· School: Silence.

· Friends: Silence, masked conversations, and shame.

· Culture: ‘Do what feels good.’

· Church: All wrong, all the time, shut down your desire until marriage—only guys struggle with sexual desire.

4 Questions to Ask Yourself

· What do you currently believe about masturbation and why?

· What were you taught about masturbation at home, school, from friends, culture, and church?

· Where and how were those beliefs formed?

· Are those sexual scripts/beliefs rooted in fear or freedom?

· Identify the shame agenda + the Jesus agenda.

The Big ‘O’: The Power of the Orgasm

· When we orgasm, dopamine and oxytocin are released in a surge in our bodies.

o Dopamine is a neurotransmitter released from the reward center part of our brain associated with pleasure.

o Oxytocin is a feel-good hormone. One of its sole purposes is to create deep bonds between people. This is like “soul ties.”

The Harem Within: C.S. Lewis

“For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself...and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself . . . .After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison”[1]

1. My pleasure is #1 priority

· Ephesians 5: Respect our husbands and husbands to serve their wives like Christ served the church.

· Our sexual experiences with our spouses should be outward focused, let’s serve each other—not ‘I’m feeling turned on, get me off, and then roll over.’

2. Ends on self

· Sexuality = desire for ‘o’ others.

· Gets us outside of our heads and into relationship and community with others.

3. No iron sharpens iron here folks

· Conflict resolution.

· Mirrors of each other.

· Constant growth.

· “Brides always adored” or “yes men.”

4. FANTASY LAND: Loving the prison more than real life

· I don’t want to get so good at getting myself off that I don’t need another person.

· 91% of millennials m...