FaceTime Dates, Politics, + Double Standards: How 2020 Has Forever Changed Dating

12/16/20 • 59 min

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

2020 has changed... everything. On all levels. But what I want to focus on in this episode is how dating has changed. You may have found that dating this year has maybe been really frustrating for you or really life-changing and beautiful. Either way, it is teaching some lessons we can carry into 2021 and I’m here for it.

Socially-distanced dating

Did you ever think you’d consider FaceTime dates with a complete stranger? Hinge and Bumble are actively telling their users to have video calls.
You can resist the change or you can embrace it.
Honesty hour: they haven’t worked all that well for me. BUT it CAN! I have a friend who met a guy pre-quarantine, had FaceTime dates then socially distanced dates, and now 8 months later THEY’RE MARRIED!
There’s an opportunity here to take things slow. You can get to know a person outside of the physical.

Are Politics a Deal Breaker?

It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of Trump. If you like and voted for Trump, hear me, I do not hate you. In fact, I think it’s important we build bridges of connection. However, if I meet a man who thinks Trump is an incredible man of honor? Then our values are out of alignment and what is important to us does not match up. And that is important to me in a relationship.

I can trust my gut

My whole life, I was taught not to trust myself. By family, by college athletic trainers, by the church, I was told I’m dramatic, I should ignore what my body is telling me, and my heart is deceitful.
I’ve learned that I do have discernment. My body is good and my intuition speaks to me.
Ephesians 2:10 “poiema” // We are the poetry of God. God doesn’t make bad things.
How does this relate to dating? If there are no big red flags in dating, I think it’s smart to give a guy a chance for three dates. It takes time to get to know a person! BUT I do think it’s important to trust your gut. There’s a balance here: it doesn’t have to be “either or.” It can be a “both and.” Be gracious and open, but take yellow flags into consideration.

Being Christian isn’t enough

Sharing faith still really matters to me, but now more than ever I recognize that it’s not the only thing that matters to me.
I had an experience long distance dating a guy early this year and multiple times I brought up racial reconciliation and it was clearly not something that mattered to him. I also learned that gay people make him uncomfortable. I couldn’t understand how he could love God and not advocate for Black people and support the LGBTQIA community.
The love of God isn’t dependent on whether or not you have heterosexual attraction.

Growth Mindset

Confronted with an area of growth, what is your response? Is it defensiveness or humility?
Instead of, “You’re wrong, I’m right.” It should be “I haven’t thought of it that way, I’d love to learn more.”

Show don’t tell

Have you ever been with a guy who says all the right things? All the things you wanted to hear? Really pay attention to that.
Someone can say the right things and not follow through, and really time will tell.
Listen to what a guy says, not what you want him to say. If he says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you could think “Wow, he’s so vulnerable,” but really that’s a red flag.

Humor is non-negotiable

I just about broke the internet with this IG post back in October. But I stand by this.
Life is HARD! And we don’t need to be with a stand-up comedian, but life is messy and I need a guy who is a friend that I can laugh with.
Physical attraction is important, but sex isn’t 24/7. Who do I want to be with when we’re going through the hard moments, the boring moments, the everyday moments?

Drop the double standards

In that same IG post, I said you should be open to dating a guy who is shorter than you. And you all had a LOT of thoughts about it.
We are always so upset when a guy doesn’t want to date us based on looks, but we’re doing the same thing by saying we won’t date a short guy.
Be willing for love to look differently than you expected for yourself.
If we have a standard for a guy, let’s live by that same standard.

Trust and surrender

I’m 35... I want to have kids yesterday. I’m ready to settle down. I thought this was my year for love.
I can do all the “right” things, be clear about my vision, be ope...

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Socially-distanced dating

Did you ever think you’d consider FaceTime dates with a complete stranger? Hinge and Bumble are actively telling their users to have video calls.
You can resist the change or you can embrace it.
Honesty hour: they haven’t worked all that well for me. BUT it CAN! I have a friend who met a guy pre-quarantine, had FaceTime dates then socially distanced dates, and now 8 months later THEY’RE MARRIED!
There’s an opportunity here to take things slow. You can get to know a person outside of the physical.

Are Politics a Deal Breaker?

It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of Trump. If you like and voted for Trump, hear me, I do not hate you. In fact, I think it’s important we build bridges of connection. However, if I meet a man who thinks Trump is an incredible man of honor? Then our values are out of alignment and what is important to us does not match up. And that is important to me in a relationship.

I can trust my gut

My whole life, I was taught not to trust myself. By family, by college athletic trainers, by the church, I was told I’m dramatic, I should ignore what my body is telling me, and my heart is deceitful.
I’ve learned that I do have discernment. My body is good and my intuition speaks to me.
Ephesians 2:10 “poiema” // We are the poetry of God. God doesn’t make bad things.
How does this relate to dating? If there are no big red flags in dating, I think it’s smart to give a guy a chance for three dates. It takes time to get to know a person! BUT I do think it’s important to trust your gut. There’s a balance here: it doesn’t have to be “either or.” It can be a “both and.” Be gracious and open, but take yellow flags into consideration.

Being Christian isn’t enough

Sharing faith still really matters to me, but now more than ever I recognize that it’s not the only thing that matters to me.
I had an experience long distance dating a guy early this year and multiple times I brought up racial reconciliation and it was clearly not something that mattered to him. I also learned that gay people make him uncomfortable. I couldn’t understand how he could love God and not advocate for Black people and support the LGBTQIA community.
The love of God isn’t dependent on whether or not you have heterosexual attraction.

Growth Mindset

Confronted with an area of growth, what is your response? Is it defensiveness or humility?
Instead of, “You’re wrong, I’m right.” It should be “I haven’t thought of it that way, I’d love to learn more.”

Show don’t tell

Have you ever been with a guy who says all the right things? All the things you wanted to hear? Really pay attention to that.
Someone can say the right things and not follow through, and really time will tell.
Listen to what a guy says, not what you want him to say. If he says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you could think “Wow, he’s so vulnerable,” but really that’s a red flag.

Humor is non-negotiable

I just about broke the internet with this IG post back in October. But I stand by this.
Life is HARD! And we don’t need to be with a stand-up comedian, but life is messy and I need a guy who is a friend that I can laugh with.
Physical attraction is important, but sex isn’t 24/7. Who do I want to be with when we’re going through the hard moments, the boring moments, the everyday moments?

Drop the double standards

In that same IG post, I said you should be open to dating a guy who is shorter than you. And you all had a LOT of thoughts about it.
We are always so upset when a guy doesn’t want to date us based on looks, but we’re doing the same thing by saying we won’t date a short guy.
Be willing for love to look differently than you expected for yourself.
If we have a standard for a guy, let’s live by that same standard.

Trust and surrender

I’m 35... I want to have kids yesterday. I’m ready to settle down. I thought this was my year for love.
I can do all the “right” things, be clear about my vision, be ope...

Previous Episode

Cheating, Ghosting, Finances + Sex with Shaun Galanos

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I have been looking forward to interviewing this guest ever since the Tik Tok algorithm graced me with his videos. I am obsessed. Shaun Galanos is a love coach and he is very matter of fact about the dating questions he receives. He answers questions with clarity and compassion. So together, we collected some of your top dating questions and answered them for you! From ghosting to cheating to finances, we cover some pretty massive questions.

“Why do men ghost? Especially if the man asked for my number and texted me.”

They don’t care
They don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation with you
That’s all they know how to do
They want to ghost you before you ghost them
They want to hurt you/make you sad
They don’t want to hurt your feelings
They feel guilty

“How do I manage finances in relationships when we have different standards of spending habits?”

Values around money and debt are important— you should share those values.
The money conversation can be a turnoff or red flag for someone if you bring it up early on.

“How do you know if it’s the right person, just the wrong time?”

If what you’re really asking is:
- “Am I making the right choice? Is there better?” Stop overthinking!
- “I’ve been rejected, but should I just wait for them?” Move on! “If someone says no, take it as a no, believe them, and let the universe sort it out on the back end.”

“Can I build a relationship with someone I used to cheat with?”

You can do anything you want in life, but ask yourself “Is this good for me?”
There are so many ways to view a situation like this, some are fantasies and some are more riddled with problems.
If it’s something you really want to pursue, go to counseling with that person to work on how you can make this relationship better.

“Be honest, have you ever decided not to date a girl because of her ethnicity?”

Neither of us have not dated someone because of their ethnicity.
I share what I’ve noticed of my own behavior on dating apps when it comes to race and how I’ve been reflecting on that and learning what has influenced that behavior.

“How can I make the first move without being too forward/intimidating as a woman?”

“Just do it. Stop sitting on the sidelines hoping that he notices you and just do it.”
It’s time to move on from the whole “men are hunters and women are prey” analogy, because guess what? Hunters don’t woo their prey!
Ask yourself what’s holding you back— are you afraid of asking because you’re afraid of the answer?

“How do you date in 2020 when you really hate internet dating?”

Ask yourself: what did people do before online dating became a thing?
Don’t look down on the idea of being set-up!
Get used to saying hi to strangers.

“How can I get context when it’s basically over text due to distance?”

So I guess we’ve all just forgotten about phone calls, huh? Pick up the phone! You can get so much more context in a conversation when you hear their voice.
I know a lot of us feel safer over text, but it’s so incomplete.
Always make sure the big conversations are done over the phone or in person.

“I like masturbation, but I’m worried I’m not going to like sex when I get married.”

Focus on masturbation now and worry about sex later. If you understand your own pleasure, you are setting yourself up for some really positive experiences with your partner.
“Start talking about sex...so that it becomes a natural part of your relationship.”
The book Slow Sex by Diana Richardson explores the idea that you should focus on your own pleasure and ask for what you want.
***None of this is possible without communication!****

“You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.”

Resources

Keep up with Shaun on IG at @thelovedrive and on TikTok at @thelovedrive.
Check out his course on healthy communication at thelovedrive.com.
Shaun’s Lo...

Next Episode

2020 Reflections: Looking Back to Move Forward

I’ve been putting off this episode because I’ve wanted to create something exciting + inspiring as we head into a new year. But if I’m being honest, I’m exhausted and burnt out. I feel like I crawled to the finish line of 2020. In that, as much as I want to move forward and forget about 2020, I can’t. Before we can move on to a new year, before we can cast new vision, we have to pause, and LOOK BACKWARDS BEFORE MOVING FORWARD.

The Class

I do this workout called The Class by Taryn Toomey—it’s yoga meets cardio meets therapy. What I love about the class is that Taryn understands that the physical is never just about the physical, but an invitation to the spiritual.
The beginning of a path towards growth + breakthrough begins when we leave our comfort zone—and leaving our comfort zone is UNCOMFORTABLE.
When all I want to do is quit (+ sometimes I do)—it never fails—I always quit within the last few beats + it makes me wonder in what other areas of my life do I almost get to the finish line + want to sit down? And sometimes I don’t and surprise myself at how strong I am.

2020 Reflection Questions:

What does discomfort teach you?
What did 2020 teach you?
What did this global interruption bring up for you personally?
What did the discomfort show you about yourself?
What are you like in conflict?
How do you respond when things don’t go your way?
What lessons could you not have learned about who you are if you didn’t go through 2020? What is the one lesson going into 2021 that you want to take with you?

My lessons from 2020:

I am not in control. I never was. A big theme for me this year is this: trust and surrender. Especially in dating. (You can listen to my episode all about those lessons here.)
I can listen to my body. My body has been screaming at me for a long long time, and I made a drastic change recently when I heard a whisper from God...”When are you going to start listening? Your body is speaking truth to you.” And so I left my home of 7 years and moved out of New York.
Nobody can tell me how long my grieving process should be. I walked through one of the most painful grieving processes of my life in 2020. It was hard to balance professional commitments with the grief of personal loss.

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”

- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Will it be for always?

I remembered the squats from The Class. Everything is temporary. Discomfort, frustration, and pain aren’t the end.

God is committed to making all things new. And that means all the things.

My tattoo

“Selah” // inhale se- exhale lah
It’s a Hebrew word used in the poetry book of the psalms in the old testament of the Bible.
It reminds me of a yoga class—the savasana: the final resting pose. What’s rest got to do with working out + getting stronger? Perhaps everything. Perhaps the growth happens in the being. In the being still and the surrender.
The psalmist says, ‘Be still and know that I am God’—not DO MORE + TO PROVE MORE + EARN MY LOVE...the invitation is to be.
But the surrender feels uncomfortable. It’s in the being + in the surrender that our hearts have the space to process, to feel, to grieve.

All I want to do is move on from last year and have 2020 be the year that must not be named. But 2020 did happen. The entire world shutdown + it sucked— it sucks—and I walked through some of the deepest heartaches of my life this past summer...and I’ve cried until there were no tears left—and somehow another wave would come. I’ve grieved deeply, processed...and now I'm ready for it to be over. I'm ready for the breakthrough...no more breaking please—I'm ready for the breakthrough. But I wonder if part of the breakthrough is having the courage to be in it, sit in it, feel all the feels—like an ocean wave—let it wash over us, look back through it, dissect it, ask it—what are you trying to teach me? Before we move on, what if we stayed a little while longer + squeezed out all the learning that it has for us?

So maybe don’t rush out of this place.

t...