Divorce, Online Dating, Sugar Daddies, and More

08/28/19 • 39 min

Bianca Olthoff is a pastor, Bible teacher, speaker, author, and a million other things. She and her husband began planning churches this past year and their love story is incredible. She also just released a book where she shows us how to confront the hard truths of life. Our interview was cut short because of technical problems, but we had such an incredible chat about divorce, sugar daddies, the expectations we put on ourselves, and the mentalities that hold us back.

The Heart Behind Her Book

Bianca’s third book, How To Have Your Life Not Suck, is a sort of manual for her 25-year-old self that was facing life’s challenges.
“If you are not dead, God ain’t done, sister.”
She looks back on these lessons and sees how they apply to her life even today.
“It’s your story, it’s your pain, it’s your loss, it’s your tragedy, it’s your trauma, it’s your success, it’s your wins, and no one can take that from you.”
We love the up and down journeys of characters in films, but when we experience the downs in life, we want none of it. But we need it to become who we are.
“We want the progress without the process and it doesn’t work like that.”

Confronting Expectations

When Bianca turned 25, she looked back at the goals she set for herself several years earlier and found she was not where she wanted to be.
“I’m willing to step into the hard, I’m willing to be responsible.”
The difference between girls and women is not a matter of age, it is a matter of choice. Choosing to step into the hard work makes you an adult.
“There is beauty in the work.”

On Wanting Sugar Daddies

“We can wait around hoping, wishing, praying that Prince Charming will come and rescue us but the truth is that if we are believers in Christ we’ve already been rescued.”
Bianca challenges us to prove to ourselves that we can take care of ourselves.
She warns us to not take it too far, though. “In our independence we can push people away.”
If we are open for relationships, are we making that known? Like lights on taxis, we need to indicate if we are open or shut down to the possibility.
“We want to complain about things that we actually have control over.”

Bianca’s Love Story

Bianca was in her late 20’s and waiting for God to bring a man to her doorstep.
She ultimately started an online dating profile on eHarmony, where she ended up meeting her current husband, who had previously been married and had two children.
She was confronted by the opinions of society, her family, her friends, and her church.
“We have an opportunity to play a part in someone’s redemption story. That is a gift. That is an honor. But let me say this: that is not easy.”
“When you choose that person, you’re choosing their entire life.”
Ruth was a widow, was barren, could no longer have kids, and went to work and caught the eye of an amazing man who loved her.
“The moment you walk in in this servitude of ‘I can’t believe you’ve seen me, woe is me,’ is the moment you forget who you are. Child of God, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.”
If you are in that mindset, it will take work and therapy to achieve a healthy mindset.
“There are beautiful things that grow out of really dry and barren places so don’t give up.”

Now I’m not divorced, but did this talk with Bianca make me cry? YUP. I am so grateful for Bianca, her friendship, her book, and her story. Her book just came out yesterday and you can buy it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or any brick and mortar shop. You can get more info at BiancaOlthoff.com or on social media at @biancaolthoff.

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Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to ...

The Heart Behind Her Book

Bianca’s third book, How To Have Your Life Not Suck, is a sort of manual for her 25-year-old self that was facing life’s challenges.
“If you are not dead, God ain’t done, sister.”
She looks back on these lessons and sees how they apply to her life even today.
“It’s your story, it’s your pain, it’s your loss, it’s your tragedy, it’s your trauma, it’s your success, it’s your wins, and no one can take that from you.”
We love the up and down journeys of characters in films, but when we experience the downs in life, we want none of it. But we need it to become who we are.
“We want the progress without the process and it doesn’t work like that.”

Confronting Expectations

When Bianca turned 25, she looked back at the goals she set for herself several years earlier and found she was not where she wanted to be.
“I’m willing to step into the hard, I’m willing to be responsible.”
The difference between girls and women is not a matter of age, it is a matter of choice. Choosing to step into the hard work makes you an adult.
“There is beauty in the work.”

On Wanting Sugar Daddies

“We can wait around hoping, wishing, praying that Prince Charming will come and rescue us but the truth is that if we are believers in Christ we’ve already been rescued.”
Bianca challenges us to prove to ourselves that we can take care of ourselves.
She warns us to not take it too far, though. “In our independence we can push people away.”
If we are open for relationships, are we making that known? Like lights on taxis, we need to indicate if we are open or shut down to the possibility.
“We want to complain about things that we actually have control over.”

Bianca’s Love Story

Bianca was in her late 20’s and waiting for God to bring a man to her doorstep.
She ultimately started an online dating profile on eHarmony, where she ended up meeting her current husband, who had previously been married and had two children.
She was confronted by the opinions of society, her family, her friends, and her church.
“We have an opportunity to play a part in someone’s redemption story. That is a gift. That is an honor. But let me say this: that is not easy.”
“When you choose that person, you’re choosing their entire life.”
Ruth was a widow, was barren, could no longer have kids, and went to work and caught the eye of an amazing man who loved her.
“The moment you walk in in this servitude of ‘I can’t believe you’ve seen me, woe is me,’ is the moment you forget who you are. Child of God, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.”
If you are in that mindset, it will take work and therapy to achieve a healthy mindset.
“There are beautiful things that grow out of really dry and barren places so don’t give up.”

Previous Episode

Everything You Were Never Taught About Your Period

I am so excited to be chatting with my soul sister Kate Eskuri today! This episode we’re talking all about PERIODS. Ladies, you’re going to learn so much more than you ever did in health class. Kate is a registered nurse, holistic health junkie, and the voice behind The Foundation Blog. She is currently getting her doctorate degree in integrative health and healing and is passionate about helping women maximize their health by simple and foundational health practices. Our hope is that this conversation will empower you to do research and make informed decisions for that time of the month.

Finding The Balance

Kate took a year off from being a nurse in the Mayo Clinic to work on her sister Jenna Kutcher's Goal Digger Podcast. During this time, she realized her passion for integrative health.
“What are you doing when you’re putting off something else?”
She knows that areas of Western medicine need improvement, but also recognizes that this medicine is the reason we are alive today after seeing it in action in the ICU.
However, chronic conditions that plague our country prove a need for a shift toward the holistic. We need to look at sleep, stress, and diet.
“I feel very at home in this spot in the middle.”

Becoming A Woman

“Everything in my life was very natural but yet I was still controlling this really natural and beautiful cycle.”

Kate never felt any shame around her period. “I just felt honored and excited about it.”
Her periods were regular but were more frequent than they should have been. “It takes a while to normalize your cycle.”
Wanting to prevent this near constant bleeding, she tried the NuvaRing but ultimately settled on the Mirena IUD which allowed her to continue ovulating.

Cons of Hormonal Contraceptive

“I completely trust my fellow woman to make the choice that is best for her. There is an option that is right for everybody.”
The hormones in contraceptives are not the exact hormones your body would make.
Hormonal contraception often suppress ovulation and ultimately suppress hormones that are natural and have important benefits.
“You’re inhibiting a very natural process that goes a lot deeper than just your period.”

The Phases Of Your Cycle

Ladies + Gents--the below is just an overview...you gotta listen to the whole episode to get the goods of each phase of your cycle!

1. Menstruation/Winter

Day 1: shedding the uterine lining.
You’re maybe feeling moody or withdrawn, experiencing cramps, and a need to slow down. It’s like the ‘winter’ season of the cycle.
1. Follicular/Spring
Day 3 or 4: Follicle stimulating hormone is working on the dominant egg.
More energy in this phase, almost like stepping back into your skin.
This time is good for creative projects and you’ll experience clear thinking.
“You feel energetic and attractive... it’s just a really vibrant time.”
1. Ovulation/Summer
Body releases egg as the pituitary gland signals for it to release.
“You can’t kind of ovulate—you either ovulate or you don’t.”
High energy, high sex drive, you feel attractive. Your hormones even make you more attractive to those around you. There is a study that shows a correlation between a woman’s scent during ovulation and a man’s attraction to her.
1. Luteal/Fall
Progesterone—can make you moody and somber, but it’s really important.
“It is the yin to estrogen’s yang.”
Progesterone is calming, helps sleep, reduces inflammation, + builds muscles.
“The shift from being so estrogen dominant at parts of your cycle to progesterone dominant causes an influx of emotion—what we see as PMS.”

Getting To Know Your Period

“Your period health says a lot about your overall health.”

Track Your Cycle!

Kate journals every morning and will write about how she is feeling on the previous day of her cycle. A few key words is all you need—nothing flashy!
Kate uses the Ava app and Kat uses the My Flo app.
“Your period story does not have to be suffering every month.”
1. Books To Read:
The Period R...

Next Episode

CBD 101: Everything You Need To Know About CBD

Has anyone else noticed that CBD is totally having a moment? You’re probably wondering ‘What is CBD?’ ‘Can I Get High From CBD?’ and ‘Is CBD legal?’ I put out a poll on IG stories and asked you if you’d want me to have an expert on to learn more about it and it just so happens that my bestie Boronia Fallshaw is the founder of Mello. We’re recording from my bed, just like the episodes with my other besties Sara and Amanda.

“I think it’s important, when you’re talking about something like CBD, to completely understand it scientifically so you know how it’s going to affect your body.”

What Is CBD vs THC? Why Is CBD Legal?

A cannabinoid is a chemical compound that exists in cannabis—there are about 85. They work with your endocannabinoid system which regulates homeostasis.
Our bodies already create endocannabinoids, but when we get sick things get deficient and the system doesn’t function properly.
You can bring your body back to homeostasis through the use of cannabinoids.
CBD is a cannabinoid that works with the cannabinoid receptors outside of your brain, that’s why it doesn’t give you the high.
THC works with the receptors inside your brain, thus causing highs.
CBD only recently became legalized. For a long time, it was in a grey area.
As of December 2018, the Farm Bill was approved, which legalized products containing hemp-derived cannabinoids, including CBD and THC. However, the concentration of THC within each product can never be above 0.3%.
Something to be aware of: CBD sometimes comes up on drug tests.

How To Identify A Good Product

“Read the packaging labels and read the ingredient labels.”
Check the amount of CBD. A reputable brand will list the gross amount (total in the package) as well as the recommended serving.
Cannabinoids only come from: stalks, leaves, flowers, buds, and stems. Seed oils do not contain cannabinoids, but can function well in beauty products.
See if it is full spectrum, broad spectrum, or an isolate. Make sure it is hemp-derived!
Full spectrum includes the limited amount of THC, the anti-oxidants, the omega 3’s.
Broad spectrum is the same, minus the THC. Isolate is when ONLY the CBD is extracted.

What You Need To Know About Edibles

A lot of cafes will have drinks that include CBD, but you should be careful of that.
“When you’re ingesting any edible, you’re only getting 20% of it.”
So if they are using an oil that is designed to be held under the tongue in your coffee you are wasting its value. If you want to add CBD to your coffee make sure you are using a product that is designed to be digested.
The brand you are buying from should be clear about the product being a tincture (ie: designed to be held under the tongue) vs a water soluble product that is designed to be drunk or eaten.
It’s important to make sure that anything you are using as an edible is being marketed as an edible. If it’s not meant to be an edible, you’re wasting your money.

How To Use CBD

Making sure you’re dosing correctly is trial and error. Boronia journals every day to track her responses.
“That got me to a point where I know that 33 mg every day is perfect for me.”
If you’re new to CBD products, use the recommended dosage for the product and go from there.
“Get into a regime because then you’re operating from a place of fullness rather than deficiency.”
If you’re not feeling any change after three days, get in contact with the company you bought it from and ask questions. Figure out the best way to use it for you.

Perks of CBD

Boronia swears by CBD because it helps her but gives her no side effects.
“It’s like coming out of a really epic meditation but it’s with you throughout the whole day.”
Any time people say it doesn’t work for them it is often because they are expecting to feel something in their head, but that is not where CBD is at work.
“It doesn’t fix you, it helps your body fix itself.”
“How can I bring balance back into my life?”

Some Of Your Questions:

Should I get off of my anxiety medications and switch to CBD?