14: Weaponized Incompetence with Dr. Lesley Cook

12/19/22 • 64 min

2 Listeners

Today’s topic is weaponized incompetence. If you aren’t familiar with the term, stay tuned and learn more with us. I’m thrilled to be joined again by Dr. Lesley Cook, who is a psychologist and good friend. She lives in Virginia and works mostly with neurodivergent kids, adolescents, and adults. Join us for the conversation!

Show Highlights:

An explanation of “weaponized incompetence” and what it means
How weaponized incompetence applies to the division of household labor
The key to analyzing weaponized incompetence: Why is it happening?
Why this is a tricky topic, especially for those who are neurodivergent and feel challenged
Why dignity should be preserved in these conversations with a partner
Why it’s OK to set boundaries even if someone is unintentionally hurting you
Ways to solve problems without shame or blame
The difference in functional barriers and weaponized incompetence
How to talk through solutions and support for a partner
How “maternal gatekeeping” plays into the dynamic
Why couples need to have conversations about care tasks, household chores, and childcare BEFORE they have kids
Why there is a difference between weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness
Dr. Lesley’s tips: “Approach your partner in good faith, open up the conversation, and ask for collaboration in finding something that works better for BOTH partners.”
Why the question should be, “Is exploitation happening?”
Why you can’t go on appearances regarding a division of labor
How to begin the approach with a partner or child: “This isn’t working for me; how can we figure this out together?”

Resources:

Connect with Dr. Lesley: TikTok and Instagram

Connect with KC: TikTok and Instagram

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

Helpful resources mentioned in this episode:

How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn

Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

The Sensory Child Gets Organized by Carolyn Dalgliesh

Ready for Take-Off by Theresa E. Laurie Maitland and Patricia O. Quinn

A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD by Sari Solden, Michelle Frank, and Ellen Littman

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Show Highlights:

An explanation of “weaponized incompetence” and what it means
How weaponized incompetence applies to the division of household labor
The key to analyzing weaponized incompetence: Why is it happening?
Why this is a tricky topic, especially for those who are neurodivergent and feel challenged
Why dignity should be preserved in these conversations with a partner
Why it’s OK to set boundaries even if someone is unintentionally hurting you
Ways to solve problems without shame or blame
The difference in functional barriers and weaponized incompetence
How to talk through solutions and support for a partner
How “maternal gatekeeping” plays into the dynamic
Why couples need to have conversations about care tasks, household chores, and childcare BEFORE they have kids
Why there is a difference between weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness
Dr. Lesley’s tips: “Approach your partner in good faith, open up the conversation, and ask for collaboration in finding something that works better for BOTH partners.”
Why the question should be, “Is exploitation happening?”
Why you can’t go on appearances regarding a division of labor
How to begin the approach with a partner or child: “This isn’t working for me; how can we figure this out together?”

Resources:

Connect with Dr. Lesley: TikTok and Instagram

Connect with KC: TikTok and Instagram

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

Helpful resources mentioned in this episode:

How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn

Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

The Sensory Child Gets Organized by Carolyn Dalgliesh

Ready for Take-Off by Theresa E. Laurie Maitland and Patricia O. Quinn

A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD by Sari Solden, Michelle Frank, and Ellen Littman

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Previous Episode

13: Q&A: Building Routines for Self-help Rejects

Today’s episode is a Q & A, so chill out while you listen, and take the time to do something kind for yourself, whatever that may be. I’ve been asked for advice about habits and discipline for neurodivergent people, which may be difficult for neurotypical people to understand. My message is that you are not broken if you haven’t yet found what works best for your brain. Let’s talk about it.

Show Highlights:

Why we need to begin with an explanation of the terms neurodivergent and neurotypical
Why it is very common for self-help motivation to fall short for neurodivergent people
How a neurodivergent person approaches routines and habits in different ways
Why I (as an ADHD person) am motivated by pleasure, projects, pressure/panic, patterns
Why it’s OK to realize that morning routines don’t work best for you
Why there is a difference between routine and rhythm/pattern
How I work around my house in patterns–not routines that are time-bound
How patterns can help circumvent “executive dysfunction” (Want to know more? Check out Episode 1 with Dr. Lesley Cook at www.strugglecare.com.)
What to look out for when your care tasks always require “pushing a boulder up a hill” energy
How I can make myself more “disciplined” when I have structure
Why you are NOT a self-help reject if you haven’t found what works best for you

Resources:

Connect with KC: TikTok and Instagram

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Next Episode

15: When Brushing Your Teeth is Hard with Dr. Taylor McFarland DDS

Dental hygiene is a Struggle Care issue that elicits very strong feelings, as evidenced by the number of responses I receive to any social media post on this topic. Why do so many people feel strongly about brushing their teeth? Let’s talk about it with today’s guest!

Taylor McFarland is a pediatric dentist, wife, and mother who creates content on social media about dental care. She and I follow each other on TikTok, and I knew she was the perfect person to help us dive into the problem of why brushing teeth is a big Struggle Care topic for many people.

Show Highlights:

How Dr. Taylor, as a pediatric dentist, came to the unique viewpoint of understanding why mental health issues cause people to struggle with teeth brushing
Why everyone who experiences this struggle thinks they are THE ONLY ONE
Helpful tips on how to find a dentist who will most likely be more understanding
Why it helps to be honest about your specific barriers to brushing
The purpose behind brushing—and why it’s OK to skip the toothpaste!
How to “pick the pain” that will increase your functioning
The purpose of toothpaste–(Fluoride is the key!)
Why sodium lauryl sulfate is usually the ingredient that bothers most people who have toothpaste sensitivity
Dr. Taylor’s tips for people bothered by toothpaste, and toothbrush bristles
How apps can make brushing more tolerable, especially with electric toothbrushes
Why it sometimes helps to brush your teeth in a different place, like in the shower or the kitchen
Why charcoal toothpaste is NOT the best option for daily use