She Doesn’t Settle

The holidays can be challenging for some. Perhaps a little anxiety provoking?

If you've been doing the work to change the stories you tell yourself (about yourself) and the behaviors that haven't been healthy -- finding yourself in old, familiar dynamics and environments can be challenging. Listen in for a little pep talk to help you get through the holidays and protect your mental, emotional and physical health. xo

Episode links:

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Work with Kelly: Send inquiries to [email protected]

This week, I cannot wait to introduce you to Nika Kabiri, a decision science specialist who helps people get real, move forward, and minimize regret. She has spent over two decades studying how people make decisions in various contexts, from business to politics to relationships. She's also been featured in Fast Company, Yahoo News, and as a top 10 coach in LA Weekly. Nika contributes to media sources like The Hill, Huffington Post, and Inside Sources, and she's regularly featured on podcasts, radio, and TV. She is also co-author of the bestselling book Money off the Table: Decision Science and the Secret to Smarter Investing, and is currently a faculty member at the University of Washington, where she teaches Decision Science. As the founder and owner of Kabiri Consulting, Nika employs decision science principles to help businesses start, grow, and thrive. She has a Ph.D. in sociology from the University of Washington, where her academic focus was on choice theory, institutional analysis, and decision making with constraint, and she also has a JD from the University of Texas. I'm telling you, this lady knows her stuff!

Nika starts by talking about how she got to where she is today, not only professionally but personally as well, including dealing with depression in her 20s, her experience with therapy and pharmaceuticals, how she resolved to own her choices, and the first decisions she made after coming to this realization. She also discusses her struggle with decision-making as a child, her experience in law school and in the legal profession, the moment when she realized law was not for her, and offers some wisdom on what to do in today's environment with the overload of advice and information from social media and influencers. She explains what she teaches in Decision Science at the university, elaborates on her book Money off the Table: Decision Science and the Secret to Smarter Investing and touches on other books she has in the works. She ends by discussing how a poor decision impacts your next big decision, approaching bad decisions as experiments, and the most painful decision she had to make. A true leader in her field with a wealth of personal experience to draw upon as well, Nika Kabiri has so much valuable knowledge to share – don't miss this golden opportunity to soak up the wisdom she is offering us all here today.

And, as always, if there is ever a topic you would like me to discuss, a guest you'd like me to interview on the podcast, or feedback you wish to offer, please feel free to contact me at [email protected] - I would love to hear from you!

The Finer Details of This Episode:

• Nika Kabiri's professional story through graduate school and early career
• Her personal story of dealing with depression and her experience with therapy
• Her resolve to make and own her own choices
• Decisions you make before you make your decisions
• Nika's decision to quit her meds and substitute them with rigorous exercise
• Dealing with insomnia
• The consequence of micro-decisions you make every day
• The importance of your physical health in decision making
• Nika's experience with law school and the legal profession
• Nika's struggle with decision-making as a child
• What to do with the overload of advice and information today from influencers and social media
• What decision science is all about
• Removing emotions as the sole factor that drives your choices
• Highlights from Money off the Table: Decision Science and the Secret to Smarter Investing, and another upcoming book
• The notion of anticipated regret and how a wrong decision impacts your next big decision

Quotes

"Make some choices, like, own your choices. Don't let the therapist make your choices for you. Don't let your psychiatrist make your choices for you. Don't let people around you do that for you. Let them inform your choices, but own your life."

“To make really good decisions, you have to be well-rested, you have to eat well—you can't be hungry—you have to have very little stress. So there have to be these certain kinds of physiological, physical conditions that maximize your chances of not being impulsive, not taking risks, and all of that.”

"It's like micro-decisions that you have every day that, if you make them the wrong way, it doesn't seem like a big deal, but you suddenly start to slide into this bad place."

"Your physical health is so important in decision making so don't underestimate that."

"Everything that is not going to work for you is more likely to happen when you are sleep-deprived, nutrition-deprived, exercise-deprived."

"There's a terrible price you pay when you're not making your own choices, and you're doing what other people want you to do."

"At some point, it was less about being a lawyer...

This week’s episode is another in my throwback series which will be running over the coming weeks while I take some time to work on my writing. As I’ve mentioned before, I absolutely love throwbacks because they give us all the chance to reflect and see if we have been applying the information and strategies offered in these episodes, and to determine what we may need to do differently or where we may need to take more action in these areas. So once again, whether you’ve heard them before, or whether this is your first time, you are going to get something valuable out of these episodes, which just happen to be some of my favorites, so get your notepad ready and prepare yourself to soak up the knowledge and wisdom that is coming your way.

In this throwback episode, we’ll explore those times when you may have come up against resistance after considering a goal - whether it be personal, health, business, etc. It’s not that we necessarily talk ourselves out of making these big changes consciously—rather, our brains are wired to protect us from any sort of change that could feel scary, and as a result will throw all kinds of excuses our way. Our brain likes comfort and uniformity, not shaking things up in order to take big risks and playing a bigger game. So it’s important that we acknowledge the excuses that come up that often derail us when we consider moving from “I’m fine” to “I’m ready to stop setting and take action”.

Today, I will walk you through what I believe to be the five most common excuses women and men alike fall back on to keep from progressing in their personal and professional lives, and explain what you can do to rebut these mental arguments when they come up. I’ll also share the empowering story of Lucy Hobbs and emphasize the importance of being proactive instead of reactive in your life.

As always, if there is a topic you would like me to discuss or a guest to interview on the podcast, please feel free to contact me at [email protected] - I would love to hear from you!

The Finer Details of This Episode:

The conversation Kelly recently had with another woman that got her thinking about what the excuses we tell ourselves cost us in the long run.

The first and most common excuse: that you don’t have time to pursue your goals and enact significant change.

The second excuse: that you’re not ready to make the necessary changes to turn your goals into realities.

The third excuse: you’ve failed at this goal or something similar before and you think you’ll fail again.

The fourth excuse: that you’re not [INSERT TRAIT] enough to pursue your goal.

The fifth and often most limiting excuse: that you’re fine where you currently are and don’t need to go after any other goals.

TAKE ACTION: Write down the goal you’re having the hardest time pursuing, and then jot down all of the excuses that deter you from turning that dream into a reality. Think really hard about these excuses and pinpoint the reasons why they are, in Kelly’s words, “bullshit,” and how you’re going to combat them.

Quotes:

“No one feels like doing the work to change but those that reach that next level of success do it anyway.”

“You don’t have to prove you’re Superwoman by doing all the things.”

“If you’re doing all of it, you’re not doing it right.”

“There’s so much we can do in ten minutes that literally moves the needle forward.”

“Just find one thing that shows some progress and gets you in the damn race.”

“The failures in our past are opportunities to change our approach.”

“You are meant to do more and you are meant to feel your best doing it.”

Show Links:

Kelly’s homepage - http://www.kellytravis.net

On this week’s episode of the She Doesn’t Settle podcast, I talk about expectations, what happens when we fail to meet them, and why we often pursue the wrong goals. Have you ever set a goal or had high expectations for yourself that you never realized? Chances are it didn’t make you feel good, and you probably beat yourself up for it. The thing is when expectations differ from reality, we let it derail us completely. Sometimes we even reach our goal and realize that we’re no happier than we were when we started working towards it. It turns out that many of us don’t know how to set sustainable goals, and that’s just what I want to talk about today.

In today's episode, I walk you through healthy ways to set goals and expectations and the value of resilience. See, real growth takes place when plans go awry–when you're gasping for air while running that marathon or not getting the raise you think you deserve. It’s all about how you learn from these lessons and navigate their roadblocks. So instead of expecting perfection in your life, welcome adaptability, redirection, and resilience with open arms. Most importantly though, join me on today’s She Doesn’t Settle episode to hear about some of my great failures, a certain someone’s Thanksgiving meltdown, and how you too can start pursuing the right goals.

The Finer Details of this Episode:

• When expectations differ from reality
• Pursuing the wrong goals
• Setting realistic and sustainable goals
• Adaptive expectations
• When plans go awry
• Learning resilience

Quotes:

“We can have everything planned out and try to nail it. Sometimes everything falls apart, or other stuff is going on; things get derailed. It happens. So we can either shame ourselves, get mad at ourselves and fall apart, or we roll with it.”

“If we have this idea of what is going to happen, and I'll walk through some examples, then we expect that thing to happen. And then what if it doesn't? Expectations are what we think will happen, and reality is what actually happens. While we hope these two will be the same, they often are not.”

“Having a set idea of what you want or need from a situation is another way that expectations play out.”

“Your expectations may cause you to think that achieving certain goals will bring joy, satisfaction, and all of those things. Sometimes, these predictions are wrong, which means that we're pursuing the wrong goals.”

“He kept saying, ‘I never want to do this again. I don't want to do this again next year.’ Because at that moment, his experience was so bad. But we can't let one derail experience– one expectation that was not met - keep us from continuing to move forward.”

“I think it's important to note and acknowledge that sometimes our expectations, when we do meet them, don't actually give us the feelings that we thought we were going to get. And that's a harsh reality.”

“Whether you succeed or fail, your overall expectation should simply be to learn as you go, to navigate those nasty barriers, and to pivot and move forward.”

Links:

She Doesn't Settle Podcast

She Doesn’t Settle - The Experience: www.kellytravis.net/sds

Instagram: www.instagram.com/shedoesntsettle/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kellythealth/

One-on-One Coaching & Group Sessions

She Doesn’t Settle Assessment

I am so excited about today’s episode since I am finally introducing you to a tool that I use daily in my work, the Integrative Enneagram. Whether you love or hate traditional personality assessments, I can assure you that you will find true value in what the Enneagram has to offer as it provides deeper insights in your motivations, limiting beliefs, anxieties, and hidden fears, as well as how to address them. I believe in it so much that I use it with individuals, teams, and most importantly, myself to help understand my view of the world and how I can broaden it to both grow and thrive. There is so much to share about this remarkable tool, and today’s episode represents just the tip of the iceberg.

I begin by reviewing just some of the many benefits of the Enneagram and how I use it in my work, as well as a short description of how our personality develops and the history of the Enneagram itself. Naturally, I geek out on exploring the science behind the Enneagram, what can be learned from it, the three centers involved with it, and give a glimpse of my own Type. I conclude by offering a brief overview of the Enneagram Types’ Motivations and Styles, and a standing invitation to all those interested to contact me should they wish to learn more. Today’s episode is really just an introduction to this powerful tool – there is so much more to it that we can explore, and we will do just that in an upcoming episode. Definitely not one of those oversimplified assessments that simply puts you in a box, the Enneagram possesses an adaptive, multidirectional focus that acknowledges each person’s individuality, and helps them understand themselves more deeply in the process. I absolutely love it, and I know that you will, too.

The Enneagram is also a key component of my 9-month Ascend Mastermind that will be starting this month! If you’re a high achieving entrepreneur or high level professional who is ready to uplevel your health and well-being (mental, emotional, physical) while creating and pursuing goals you actually want and also putting the overwhelm of 2020 in the rear view, then this Mastermind is the perfect opportunity for you. You’ll get to strengthen your habits, get clear on what you want and be held accountable by, and find support among like-minded women as you ascend. Check out the details here.

Another way you help you understand your motivations and your style would be to join my next free ‘Clear AF’ workshop, which will offer you some extra support in getting clarity on what you really want as well as a strategy to implement to start your journey toward achieving it. The workshop takes place Tuesday, February 16, 2021, at 4:00 PM PST, and you can sign up for it here: sign up, or by contacting me through email.

And, as always, if there is a topic you would like me to discuss or a guest to interview on the podcast, please feel free to contact me at [email protected] - I would love to hear from you!

The Finer Details of This Episode:

• The many benefits of the Enneagram
• How Kelly uses it with individuals and teams
• How our personality develops
• The history of the Enneagram
• The science behind it
• Neuroplasticity
• What can be learned through the Enneagram
• The three centers
• Kelly’s Type
• A general description of the Enneagram Types’ Motivations and Styles

Quotes:

“So many of our actions come from this place we’re not even aware of.”

“It helps so much with communication and relationships and goal setting.”

“This deeper understanding is so rich and so powerful when it’s put into action.”

“Personality may even be influenced by experiences while in the womb.”

“It works in conjunction with this understanding of neuroscience and how the brain develops, and... those pathways that we create.”

“This tool allows you to make sense of how you’re thinking and why, and then how to start to pay attention and make those changes.”

“We have not one, but three brains.”

“It’s not stereotyping.”

“Lots of Type 2’s struggle with boundaries.”

“6’s are typically those folks that are, like, prepared for the worst case scenario.”

“Major fear of missing out coming out of the 7’s, but they are awesome visionaries.”

“4’s search for meaning, depth, authenticity.”

“8’s are forces of nature...they love to be in control.”

“9’s are diplomatic...very attuned to the needs of others.”

“There are so many other factors that play into what makes up a number and how you show up.”

“You don’t really know until you take the actual assessment.”

Show Links:

Ascend Mastermind