89: Nagging: Reducing the friction using the magic of routine.

05/08/24 • 33 min

Parenting teenagers untangled. 🏆 The audio hug for parents of teens and tweens.

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?

Is it a constant battle to get your teens to do the right thing? Getting them to bed on time, eating healthily, keeping their screen time to an acceptable level are all problems that come up regularly. So when a listener asked for a script to use to get her teens into bed I decided that it was worth delving into what other parents are doing right and how we can adapt their behaviour to our own households.
The research has made me rethink my own life structure and the importance of routine in decluttering my life.
KEY REFERENCES:
Atomic Habits - James Clear
Podcast with Angela Duckworth - No Stupid Questions - 186 Do You Need a Routine?
App I've started using: Streaks
RESOURCES USED:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/the-importance-of-routine/
https://zapier.com/blog/daily-routines/
https://journals.lww.com/iycjournal/fulltext/2007/10000/Family_Routines_and_Rituals__A_Context_for.2.aspx
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6378489/
SOME LISTENER RESPONSES:
Melissa: I don't think I said much. Other than you sleep better if you don't do tech just before bed. I think intially the cut off was an hour before bedtime. Which gave flexibility to give them a ten minute warning etc. Son mostly now stops tech before without prompting.
Grant: As part of screen time, there is an option to set down time on each of their devices. It works well for us.
Natalie: No phones, laptops or TVs in their rooms after 9.30pm but equally we, as parents, have to do the same. Read before bed, everyone asleep by 10.30pm latest on a school night. Not had to resort to plan B yet (WiFi turned off) as they do it. Lead by example. Also no phones or TV at dinner and we all eat together every night. I'm a big believer in systems and routines. Less arguments as no suprises.
Ashleigh We try and stick to 8pm cut off. And it helps when they have sports training they need to sleep for
Holly
We have a 9pm cutoff. Phone gets plugged in in the hallway outside the room
Sarah I have a cut off too. I started this when they were younger and then each year gradually increased the cut off, but they had to prove to me that they could come off their devices at the allotted time and get up for school the next day without any arguments. If they didn’t come off at the agreed time or were difficult the next morning, the agreement was that they would lose some screen time the next night by coming off earlier.

I work on a “prove you can be trusted” basis with both my teens for almost everything. I rarely have trouble with them as they can see the benefits of trust e.g. they get to do more! it’s worked wonders for my 17 ye

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Previous Episode

88: School: Angry kids, bad behaviour, and school avoidance. What can parents and teachers do?

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?

Nearly one in five teachers in England has been hit by a pupil this year, according to a BBC survey.
But it's not just in England. Stricter school discipline is making a comeback to Australian classrooms in a bid to help teachers stamp out disruptive behaviour. France is bringing back school uniforms to tackle the issue, and in America, more than 70% of 1,000 educators said in a recent national survey that students are misbehaving more now than they did before the pandemic in 2019.

Meanwhile, teachers are leaving the profession faster than they're joining in the UK, and school avoidance rates are at an all-time high. It's a complex issue that Simon Currigan talks about a lot on his podcast, School Behaviour Secrets.
In this conversation he gives us his version of what's happening, gives us a top tip on how to deal with a teen when they've lost control, the importance of asking why... at least five times, and gives us a framework for understanding school avoidance.
NOTES TO SUPPORT THE PODCAST:
SEND - Special Educational Needs and Disability
SEMH - Social Emotional Mental Health needs; part of SEND
EMOTION COACHING:

Empathise with their position - connection before correction.
Boundaries based on values.
Problem-solving - get them to engage in coming up with solutions.

The Toyota Five
RAIDED framework for understanding school avoidance:

Relationship problem
Anxiety
Identity - what do people like me do in a situation like this?
Direction - where they are focusing so it can be a desire to be out of school because of what's happening at home.
Environment - is the school too overstimulating or do they have sensory needs?
Dislocation - do they feel unwelcome in the school community, as if they don't belong.

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Next Episode

90: Missing out: The pain of FOMO. Why it’s particularly bad for teens, and how to help your teen.

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?

Missing out can cause visceral pain; particularly for teenagers, but why is it so awful and can anything be done to help them with it?
This episode was inspired by a parent whose daughter is at an expensive private school, but the family are finally having to accept that they can't afford it and will have to withdraw her. We love our, kids and want the best for them, but why choose something that's a massive stretch for us? What is 'the best' and where do we get our ideas from?
I would argue that FOMO is at the root of the decision to put her there, and even the daughter's request a Hermes handbag, rather than a present more suitable for a young girl.
In this episode we talk about where our desires come from and why our social environment can have such an impact. We discuss why figuring out, and staying anchored to, our own values whilst getting our kids to find something that really matters to them, is at the heart of protecting us from the pain of FOMO.
RESOURCES USED:
https://mo-issa.medium.com/ren%C3%A9-girards-mimetic-theory-changed-the-way-i-looked-at-my-own-desires-3ed029d042bf
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-cope-with-fomo-4174664
https://www.theteenmagazine.com/what-teens-need-to-know-about-fear-of-missing-out

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Parenting teenagers untangled. 🏆 The audio hug for parents of teens and tweens. - 89: Nagging: Reducing the friction using the magic of routine.

Transcript

Rachel Richards00:00:02.250

Hello and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hub for parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards parenting coach journalists mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters.

Susie Asli00:00:12.169

Hi there. I'm Susie Asli mindfulness coach, mindful therapist and musician and mother of three teenagers to did

Rachel Richards00:00:19.649

you have a good slee