Parenting teenagers untangled. 🏆 The audio hug for parents of teens and tweens. - 5: Motivation: How to motivate your teenager when they’re not enjoying school, also what to do when your teenager wants to quit their instrument.

5: Motivation: How to motivate your teenager when they’re not enjoying school, also what to do when your teenager wants to quit their instrument.

01/29/22 • 31 min

Parenting teenagers untangled. 🏆 The audio hug for parents of teens and tweens.

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We'd all love our children to breeze through school, enjoying a satisfying academic life, having lots of friends, and coming out at the end feeling a success. But what if you have a child that doesn't thrive in an academic environment? What if they can't or won't do the work? How do you deal with it and what techniques can you use to motivate them?
And our listener’s question comes from Emma:
'‘My fourteen year old is very musical, but wants to stop playing the piano now she’s grade four. I’m so upset about it, because whenever she seems to be good at something she goes so far then just gives up and wants to hang out with her friends. What should I do?"
TED Talks: Sir Ken Robinson Do schools kill creativity?
https://www.ted.com/talks/sir_ken_robinson_do_schools_kill_creativity?language=en
Books referenced:
The Self-Driven Child by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson
The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey
Thrivers by Michele Borba

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undefined - 4: Mobile phone photos/sexting, and money management. The conversation you must have with your tween/teen. Also, how to increase responsibility using an allowance.

4: Mobile phone photos/sexting, and money management. The conversation you must have with your tween/teen. Also, how to increase responsibility using an allowance.

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?

Our teens are growing up in a world of TikTok, You Tube and Instagram, places full of barely dressed people talking freely about body positivity and sex. It’s hardly surprising that they might have a different view of what’s acceptable from that of their parents.

In the UK, sex is legal at age 16, but any sexual images of a person under 18 are deemed child pornography, even when the person sending them is the creator.

Research compiled in the UK for Cultureframed.org:

1 in 7 under 18’s sends sext messages; 1 in 4 receives them. 1 in 8 who received a message has sent it to others without the sender’s consent.

Internet Watch Foundation, confirmed 68k cases of self-generated imagery that needed to be removed in 2020 – up 77% on the previous year.

In 80% of these cases, the victims were 11 to 13-year-old girls. Fewer than 8% of young women send nude pics because they genuinely want to.

Book: When You Lose It, Roxy and Gay Longworth.

Why do they sext?

Seeking someone’s approval
Long distance/online relationships, where there is a desire to have a sexual relationship
Feeling confident in their looks and they want to share with other people
Peer pressure
Fun
As a result of harassment, threats or blackmail

What to do?
Having regular talks about relationships, sex and consent. Use open questions, actively listen, and never be shocked.

What do they post about themselves?
What sites do they use and what draws them there?
What types of attention are they looking for online and from whom?
How do they decide what information to share?

Set clear guidelines and firewalls.

Boys?
Adolescent boys are under enormous pressure to impress their peers.

Ask boys why they would feel entitled to ask for these photos, knowing the pitfalls.
Ask them what pressures they feel from their friends and porn culture.
Do they know that it’s illegal to disseminate or ask for nude images of under age people?

If something's happened:

Speak to the school and parents of the other teenager to the get the material removed.
The IWF can search for explicit images or videos of your child and remove them.
Tell your girls about the #gurlsoutloud support hashtag.
A free service to remove pictures of under 18’s online. https://takeitdown.ncmec.org/

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6: Body image and chores: Helping teenagers to develop a positive body image. Also, getting your teenager to do chores without nagging.

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?

A healthy body image: Feeling happy and satisfied with your body and what it can do.

An unhealthy body image: Highly self-critical, comparing their body to others and obsessing about some aspect of it.

Beauty and body image are universal triggers for shame. Shame is a deeply painful sensation from the belief that we’re not good enough and will not be accepted by a group.

Influences:

Family environment,
Ability/disability
Attitudes of peers
Social media
Cultural background

Only 5% of American women have the body type that advertising depicts as ideal. People magazine poll found that 80% of women respondents felt insecure when they viewed images of women in TV and films. There’s an entire industry fueling our negative feelings regarding body image.

How to prevent body image issues as a parent:

Psychologists Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver 1997 study said that what gives us self-esteem (the opposite of shame) isn’t a terrific outfit or success, it’s forming and maintaining relationships which makes people feel sure of their value.

Talk to your teenager about images in social media. Help them to see how fake they are and how digital manipulation is rife, also how everyone doesn’t look like that.
Praise your teenager for what they can do, not what they look like.
Sharing the knowledge that shame is a normal experience helps the teenager feel that they aren’t alone.
Be kind to yourself. Expecting perfection from ourselves makes us expect it from others.
Be proud of things about yourself that aren’t about your appearance.
Avoid negative talk about your diet/crash diets.
As a parent, be proud of what your body can do.

What to look out for:

The teenager belongs to a group that insists on a certain body type.
Perfectionism.
Continually comparing their body to someone else.
Not wanting to leave the house, or try new things, because of the way they look.
Obsessing about weight, or a part of their body.
Spending a lot of time looking in the mirror for imperfections.
Linking food with feelings of guilt or shame.
Strange eating habits.

What to do

Talk with your child about what you’ve noticed. Don’t dismiss it.
There are some excellent self-help books.
Seek professional help early.

Resources:

https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/healthy-lifestyle/body-image/body-image-teens
The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor
I Thought it was just me by Brené Brown

Chores:

Household duties de

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Parenting teenagers untangled. 🏆 The audio hug for parents of teens and tweens. - 5: Motivation: How to motivate your teenager when they’re not enjoying school, also what to do when your teenager wants to quit their instrument.

Transcript

Rachel Richards00:00:01.169

Hello, I'm Rachel Richards, and welcome to Teenagers Untangled where we combine research by experts and ideas from other parents to solve your problems. As a parenting coach, I saw the incredible power of getting people together to share ideas and support each other. So, welcome, pull up a chair. And let's begin. Coming up in this podcast we discuss Emma's question. My 14 year old is very musical, but wants to stop playing the piano now she