When parenting feels unequal

11/27/23 • 24 min

Our guest today is a mother of four children, ages 5 to 17. She knows well how the demands of parenting can run you into the ground. She made the choice to step off the “struggle bus of overwhelm” — as she calls it — but it was a move that took time, and conscious effort.

The secret? Establishing clear boundaries. And choosing not to identify with the “mother as martyr” role. So many of us look for our partners to validate how hard we are working, before we give ourselves permission to delegate and take a break. Or hold onto resentment because we feel we are shouldering more than our fair share of the parenting burden.

In this episode, Julie Tenner gives us permission to ask: What do I need to show up as the best version of myself in this family? She is an Australian-based relationship expert who shares her wisdom as co-host of the podcast Nourishing the Mother. You can also find her at julietenner.love.

Takeaways:

If you find yourself resenting the people you love, it’s a sign you need to re-enforce your boundaries. Score-keeping is something we slip into when we’re feeling under-valued. Time to have a conversation with your partner about what you need out of each of your roles.
This conversation around roles is constantly shifting. Revisit the agreements you make regularly because our needs as adults shift with the changing children around us. Julie likes to think about it as tending to the you, to the me, to the us and to the family inc.
Julie talked about setting limits around breastfeeding and the inevitable resistance that a mother will come up against. Responding to your baby’s cries from a loving place, firm in your boundaries, can sound like: “Yeah, it’s really hard for you. I know you really want to have a feed, but I can’t give that to you right now, but I love you and I’m here.”
Julie is a big fan of delegating. She reminds us that when delegating, we need to let go of how the task is executed. It’s not going to look exactly like it would have, if you had done it. But we can’t do this work on our own, so time to lean into the team!

Mentioned in this episode:

Brought to you by Lovevery.com

Find Julie Tenner at julietenner.love

Receive weekly emails about your child’s development, and stay in the know about new play essentials, promos, and more by signing up at Lovevery.com

Follow Lovevery and Jessica Rolph on Instagram

Takeaways:

If you find yourself resenting the people you love, it’s a sign you need to re-enforce your boundaries. Score-keeping is something we slip into when we’re feeling under-valued. Time to have a conversation with your partner about what you need out of each of your roles.
This conversation around roles is constantly shifting. Revisit the agreements you make regularly because our needs as adults shift with the changing children around us. Julie likes to think about it as tending to the you, to the me, to the us and to the family inc.
Julie talked about setting limits around breastfeeding and the inevitable resistance that a mother will come up against. Responding to your baby’s cries from a loving place, firm in your boundaries, can sound like: “Yeah, it’s really hard for you. I know you really want to have a feed, but I can’t give that to you right now, but I love you and I’m here.”
Julie is a big fan of delegating. She reminds us that when delegating, we need to let go of how the task is executed. It’s not going to look exactly like it would have, if you had done it. But we can’t do this work on our own, so time to lean into the team!

Mentioned in this episode:

Brought to you by Lovevery.com

Find Julie Tenner at julietenner.love

Receive weekly emails about your child’s development, and stay in the know about new play essentials, promos, and more by signing up at Lovevery.com

Follow Lovevery and Jessica Rolph on Instagram

Previous Episode

Helping children deal with change

Why can change be so unsettling for our toddlers? I mean, change up the snack crackers and you may have a major crisis on your hands. On this episode of My New Life, Jessical Rolph hosts Lael Stone, author of “Raising Resilient and Compassionate Children”. Never is our resilience put to the test more so than in the face of change.

If you and your family are changing things up — be it a new home, new caregiver, or a new school, Lael will help you navigate what can be tricky terrain with your child. In addition to her work as a parent educator, she is a mother of three. You can find Lael @laelstone.

Takeaways:

A great way to ease children into a big change (or even a smaller transition) is to create pictures and talk through what’s going to happen, who’s going to be there, and how it’s going to look. For those children that thrive on information, this dispels some of the anxiety around uncertainty.
Make an effort to view change through the lens of your child. Even something like a visit to a new playground can feel scary. Meet their concerns with empathy and compassion rather than attempting to fix the situation, or justify why it’s no big deal.
Children process what’s going on around them through play. Help your child to explore changes by creating a similar scenario with their favorite toys. It’s a great time to ask questions like: How do you think Teddy is feeling about moving to a new home?
Change often makes children feel powerless. Try a power reversal game to restore some sense of power. This is a game where your child gets to be faster or stronger or know more than you do!

Mentioned in this episode:

Brought to you by Lovevery.com

Find Lael Stone @laelstone

Receive weekly emails about your child’s development, and stay in the know about new play essentials, promos, and more by signing up at Lovevery.com

Follow Lovevery and Jessica Rolph on Instagram

Next Episode

Executive function: Thinking ahead

Executive functioning skills are important, because they help us achieve our goals. Children with strong executive functioning skills have the focus, patience, flexibility and resilience to succeed in—and out—of school.

While children continue to develop these skills into adolescence, research shows they surge at 4 years old. And they can be really fun to practice! In this episode, My New Life Host Jessica Rolph welcomes Whitman Professor of Psychology Dr. Melissa Clearfield a second time.

She first appeared on the show 3 years ago to discuss her research demonstrating differences in executive function in infants. This time, the focus is on executive function in older children, specifically a child’s ability to think ahead, a component of working memory.

Takeaways:

The three pillars of executive function are: impulse control, working memory, and cognitive flexibility. The Lovevery Reach for the Stars Matching Cards — where you sort by shape, and then code switch to sort the same cards by color — are a great way to practice cognitive flexibility.
Executive function stems from attention, being able to focus on the right things and block out distractors. This is challenging at ages 3, 4 and 5 because of a child’s still-developing impulse control. Working on that selective, sustained focus is primary at this stage, and is best achieved through play with an adult.
The concept of time is still very vague before the age of 5. “We’re leaving in 15 minutes” has little meaning. Sequencing, however, is something they can do! “We have three things to do. Can we get them all done before your sister gets home?” The Lovevery countdown timer helps reinforce this skill visually.

Mentioned in this episode:

Brought to you by Lovevery.com

Receive weekly emails about your child’s development, and stay in the know about new play essentials, promos, and more by signing up at Lovevery.com

Follow Lovevery and Jessica Rolph on Instagram