Dumpsterpiece Theatre

We're back with another Lurlene McDaniel story, "My Secret Boyfriend." Don't worry, no one dies in this one. Instead, we get some sweet junior high drama with Jordan Starling, who makes up a relationship with a distant boy she knows (Ryan Elliot) to try to fit in. When she finds out that he's coming to live with her family, all hell breaks loose.

Jordan, who is lamenting that she's not yet a "real girl," has just come back from a summer vacation and is starting 8th grade with her BFF Laurie and airhead frienemy Jennifer. While it seems that everyone else has boyfriends, Jordan does not, and she feels left out. So when her mom receives a letter from her college bestie, Beth, Jordan decides to make Beth's son, Ryan, her long-distance boyfriend. It just so happens that Beth included a pic of him (with muscular thighs) that Jordan absconds with so she can sneakily show her friends. When they come to live with Jordan (due to their father leaving them), Jordan spends the rest of the book trying to craft a web of lies to keep up the charade. Jordan's dad, on the other hand, spends a lot of time traveling for work, including to "the Orient." Ryan tells Jordan she looks "sort of athletic" and convinces her to start jogging with him, which brings them closer together, but only as friends (she doesn't get the "bells and whistles" from him.)

Ryan is confused as to why all of her friends keep asking him questions about running in the Rockies, even though he's never been "east of the Mississippi..." HUH? The group spends a lot of time at the Polar/Pleasure Palace, eating massive bowls of ice cream, but Ryan still wants Jordan's milkshakes like literally every day. We find out that Jennifer has broken up with her boy, Glen Lockwood, but that's okay because he's boring AF and doesn't want to "stand around talking all day." So now Jennifer's out on the prowl and becomes "Mrs. Steal Yo Man" when she gets the impression that Jordan and Ryan aren't really acting like BF/GF. Laurie can't figure out why Jordan isn't hurt by this, but she's too busy gaslighting Ryan to really pretend to be his girlfriend.

So put on your 10-gallon hat and head on over to Carmen's party for a horseback ride, grab some of the hay for an all-out-war, and strap into those stirrups for a wild ride. Just don't let Jordan's brother, Jamey, blackmail you into kitchen duty. We're recapping this, so feel free to read it first - it's pretty easy to find. Otherwise just hit that play button and let us take you on the rollercoaster of teenage emotions.

Goodreads

Interview with Lurlene

Author Page

Happy 🦃 Chonksgiving! 🦃

For the holiday, we're revisiting the Pauly Shore seminal classic Son In Law! We had a lot of fun making this episode - Scott pre-watched the film and dug deep to challenge Liz on her Son In Law trivia knowledge. Needless to say, it was brutal.

We know you're taking that long drive home to have some down-home country cook-in, so you've got plenty of time to dive in. You've reinvented yourself at college this first semester, and it's time to bring Crawl to pastoral South Dakota to meet the rest of the family. You've got a lot planned for this trip - whittling, feeding the livestock, buffing the wood while line-dancing, checking out the latest issue of Playboy (to release the poisons of course), and tweaking the P-RAM on Zach's 2-CJX. You're going to want to discuss this episode with the fam while you munch on some grindage, just make sure you stay out of Samson the bull's pen, and refrain from causing mischief on the combine. We promise this one is better than a kick in the head with a golf shoe.

This movie has been around since 1993, so it's unlikely that we're spoiling anything, but it's such a classic you're going to want to watch it anyway. Forget what the critics say - let's feast together and enjoy Thanksgiving! 🍗🍗🍗

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⁠⁠Rotten Tomatoes⁠

This week, we're mixing it up and turning the tables. Scott picked the media this time, so we're going back in time to 1974 with the campy and bizarre sci-fi classic Zardoz. Starring a post-Bond Sean Connery, this film will have you scratching your head only to find yourself obsessing over the message as time passes. We recount this unusual story of a rogue Brutal "Exterminator" named Zed who learns of his own place in society and decides to overturn the apple cart of the Eternals by throwing their way of life into turmoil. Partially orchestrated by Eternal artist and Thespian Arthur Frayn, Zed becomes an experiment for Mae and Consuela, who tells us he is capable of "spontaneous and reflexive erection." We'll head on over to the Tabernacle for some touch teaching and an old-fashioned insemination session, just make sure you don't violate any of the rules or you'll be aged by an arbitrary number of years. We'll also have a quick visit with the Renegades and Apathetics, who are apparently spurned into an orgy by a bead of Connery's sweat. Finally we can all come up with a rough number for the cellophane budget on this film - seriously, did someone involved with the film have an in with a cellophane manufacturer?

Let's head on over to the vortex stone head for the gun vomiting ritual, get ready for Tuesday's mass sacrifice, and never forget - the penis is evil. Although this film is 50 years old, we're trudging through the entire thing and we might be spoiling it for you. You can watch this film on the Internet Archive in its entirety, and although it is a Dumpsterpiece - we think it's worth watching just for the 70's boobs alone. Dive into this wacky dumpster with us when the voice of the turtle is heard in the land.

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Hilarious Review

⁠⁠Rotten Tomatoes⁠

Facts about Zardoz

Review by Roger Ebert

Buckle up, masochists! It's time for another deep dive into the cesspool of young adult drama with Liz and Scott as they tackle 'After We Collided,' the second cinematic masterpiece in the 'After' saga.

We navigate the turbulent waters of Tessa and Hardin's totally healthy and not-at-all toxic relationship. Watch as they unpack:

• The world's most lenient intern program (complete with company car and insurance!)
• A magical New Year's Eve party where everyone forgives and forgets faster than Hardin can say "I'm sorry"
• The revolving door of actors playing key characters (because why not?)
• Trevor's sexy spreadsheets and his valiant attempts to woo Tessa with cost-benefit analyses

But wait, there's more! Enjoy as we ponder life's important questions:

• How many objects will Hardin break this time?
• Is a Washington state heat wave actually a thing?
• Will wine floats be the next big trend in mixology?
• How many times can one say "fucking Trevor" before it loses all meaning?

So grab your favorite bottle of bottom-shelf vodka, cozy up with your "I <3 Hardin" body pillow, and prepare for an hour of snarky commentary that'll leave you questioning your life choices almost as much as Tessa should be questioning hers.

Remember: if you drink every time someone makes a terrible decision, you'll be in the ER before the halfway mark. You've been warned.

Well, folks, we've made it to the end of the line - the final three episodes of the Ferris Bueller TV series. In this action-packed trilogy, we've got haunted cars, beach day shenanigans, and a night on the mean streets of Santa Monica. Buckle up, it's going to be a wild ride!

In episode 11, "Baby You Can't Drive My Car," Ferris gets his dream car for his birthday - a 1962 Chevy Corvette. But dreams turn to nightmares when the car seems to be haunted, à la Christine. The auto shop teacher is clueless, Rooney's got his eye on the prize, and Ferris' dad claims he saw the Rolling Stones at Altamont (sure, dad). Oh, and Ferris makes out with "Jeannie" (really Sloane in a mask) because why not make things even weirder?

Episode 12, "Grace Under Pressure," centers around the sacred tradition of Beach Day. Rooney cancels it, but the students rebel and go anyway. Meanwhile, Rooney's trying to impress the Superintendent with help from a doting Arthur. Grace professes her love for Rooney (ew), who apparently has a "whole world of stewardesses he hasn't tapped" (double ew). The episode ends with Rooney getting roasted by Buddy Hackett and former students. Ouch.

The final episode, "A Night in the Life," finds Ferris and Cameron pulling an all-nighter to finish a paper on LBJ (through the eyes of his beagle, naturally). Jeannie's dating a college guy, distracting everyone at school, and Rooney basically tells her not to get pregnant (great advice, Ed). The boys end up in the bad part of town, sleeping on the street after Cameron's car (license plate YFIPU) gets stolen. Jeannie saves the day by helping them get the car out of impound.

So, there you have it - the thrilling conclusion to the Ferris Bueller saga. Get ready for haunted cars, beach day rebellions, and a gritty night on the streets of Santa Monica. Don't forget your Reebok Pumps and your LBJ beagle fanfiction. It's been a wild ride, but we made it through together. Thanks for joining us on this journey through the highs (and mostly lows) of this short-lived TV classic.

IMDB

Rotten Tomatoes

TV Obscurities Article

Forgotten Failures Video