030 - My Secret Boyfriend by Lurlene McDaniel

Explicit content warning

04/03/24 • 88 min

We're back with another Lurlene McDaniel story, "My Secret Boyfriend." Don't worry, no one dies in this one. Instead, we get some sweet junior high drama with Jordan Starling, who makes up a relationship with a distant boy she knows (Ryan Elliot) to try to fit in. When she finds out that he's coming to live with her family, all hell breaks loose.

Jordan, who is lamenting that she's not yet a "real girl," has just come back from a summer vacation and is starting 8th grade with her BFF Laurie and airhead frienemy Jennifer. While it seems that everyone else has boyfriends, Jordan does not, and she feels left out. So when her mom receives a letter from her college bestie, Beth, Jordan decides to make Beth's son, Ryan, her long-distance boyfriend. It just so happens that Beth included a pic of him (with muscular thighs) that Jordan absconds with so she can sneakily show her friends. When they come to live with Jordan (due to their father leaving them), Jordan spends the rest of the book trying to craft a web of lies to keep up the charade. Jordan's dad, on the other hand, spends a lot of time traveling for work, including to "the Orient." Ryan tells Jordan she looks "sort of athletic" and convinces her to start jogging with him, which brings them closer together, but only as friends (she doesn't get the "bells and whistles" from him.)

Ryan is confused as to why all of her friends keep asking him questions about running in the Rockies, even though he's never been "east of the Mississippi..." HUH? The group spends a lot of time at the Polar/Pleasure Palace, eating massive bowls of ice cream, but Ryan still wants Jordan's milkshakes like literally every day. We find out that Jennifer has broken up with her boy, Glen Lockwood, but that's okay because he's boring AF and doesn't want to "stand around talking all day." So now Jennifer's out on the prowl and becomes "Mrs. Steal Yo Man" when she gets the impression that Jordan and Ryan aren't really acting like BF/GF. Laurie can't figure out why Jordan isn't hurt by this, but she's too busy gaslighting Ryan to really pretend to be his girlfriend.

So put on your 10-gallon hat and head on over to Carmen's party for a horseback ride, grab some of the hay for an all-out-war, and strap into those stirrups for a wild ride. Just don't let Jordan's brother, Jamey, blackmail you into kitchen duty. We're recapping this, so feel free to read it first - it's pretty easy to find. Otherwise just hit that play button and let us take you on the rollercoaster of teenage emotions.

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Interview with Lurlene

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Previous Episode

029 - Ferris Bueller EP5-6

WEW! We're diving back into the zany universe of Ferris Bueller with episodes 5 & 6, and, oh boy, do they deliver the wackiness. Episode 5, aptly titled "Between a Rock and Rooney's Place," celebrates Cameron's 17th birthday—a milestone he's decidedly ambivalent about. Ferris, in his typical fashion, ignores Cameron's wish for a quiet day, opting instead for an extravagant bash. A hilarious revelation about Cameron's birth, triggered by his mom running over her calendar watch, hints at the family's endearing neuroses, mirroring Cameron's own. Ferris' parents are heading out of town for a real estate conference, which is convenient, until Jeannie decides she's going to have the house tented to thwart his attempts (poor, poor Ficus.) We find out their Uncle Stewart might have a gambling addiction, so maybe don't call him or he might find out they left you money while they are away. The absurdity escalates with Ferris installing an answering machine in his locker (because, why not?) and Sloane is apparently the Queen of Swedish Meatballs. Learning that Rooney is also out of town, Ferris seizes the opportunity, commandeering a school bus for a supply run. What ensues is a legendary party at Rooney's, featuring early '90s hip-hop icon Tone Loc, repaying a debt of dubious financial advice to Ferris. The party's zenith crashes as Cameron arrives, soon followed by an ill-intended Rooney, armed with a riding crop for reasons best left unsaid—highlighted by an unfortunate encounter with clown tumbling mats.

Episode 6 ("A Dog and His Boy") finds Ferris taking care of Lucy, a lost dog that wandered into the school and was subsequently adopted by Sloane. Ocean Park High is also the recipient of a "lightly used" 1985 Ford LTD destined for the driver's ed program. Apparently Rooney lowballed Mrs. Finch, a member of the school board, for the car. Ferris makes a creepy pass at his mother, comparing her to Jackie O. and himself to "Little John-John." Jeannie has no academic prospects, but later finds her calling as a vet. Rooney has a vendetta against Lucy, and begs Ferris to get rid of it, and the dog eventually blows up the backseat of Cameron's mom's Lexus after Ferris feeds it a burrito. Finally, we get a bizarre anti-animal-dissection protest that culminates in the grand plan to replace live dissections with computer simulations.

Sloane doesn't fall in either of these episodes... We know you're disappointed by that fact, and so were we. But you can still put on your listening helmet and join us for the recap. You can watch the playlist here, or you could just take our word for it.

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Next Episode

031 - Welcome to the Dollhouse

Step back into the painfully awkward and often cruel world of junior high with Todd Solondz's darkly comedic 1995 film, "Welcome to the Dollhouse." In this episode, we follow the misadventures of 11-year-old Dawn Wiener (Heather Matarazzo), as she navigates the treacherous waters of adolescence.

From the relentless bullying Dawn endures (including being called "Wiener Dog") to her classmate Brandon's (Brendan Sexton III) use of the derogatory term "bundle of sticks," we'll explore the film's unflinching portrayal of middle school cruelty. We'll also dive into Dawn's unrequited crush on Steve Rodgers, the frontman of the crappy garage band "The Quadratics," and her misguided attempts to get people to join the "Special People Club."

Along the way, we'll touch on the film's many memorable moments, from the strict "no drinks in the TV room" policy to Ralphie's dead bird, the teacher blinded by spitballs, and Steve's money-stealing antics. We'll cringe at Dawn's awkward attempt to flirt with Steve by asking if he wants to see her fingers and laugh at the uncomfortable cookie exchange between Brandon and the school's resident mean girl, Cookie.

As we unpack Dawn's struggles with her family, including her strained relationship with her more popular younger sister, Missy, and her parents' (Harv and Marj) apparent indifference, we'll explore the film's central themes. From Lolita wanting to watch Dawn in the bathroom stall, Dawn's near "hammer time" moment with Missy, to the shocking kidnapping of Missy by the creepy pedophile neighbor, "Welcome to the Dollhouse" offers a poignant and darkly humorous look at the challenges of growing up.

So, grab your lunch tray and join us as we dive into this cult classic. Whether you're a fan of the film or watching it for the first time, this episode promises an engaging discussion of one of the most honest and unforgettable coming-of-age stories ever told. Just remember, as Dawn learns the hard way, sometimes things are worth doing even if they "didn't cost anything."

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