Divorcing Dads

More than 13 months after the divorce, Mark is excited about a woman he started dating, who shocked and delighted him by bringing him flowers on Father's Day. We talk about how Mark introduced his new relationship to his kids, and how he experienced their response to the news.
Mark continues to process his reactions to his ex, and is moving toward considering her more as unaware and unempathetic than as intentionally malicious.The book Forgive for Good (by Frederic Luskin) has been helpful for Mark as he seeks a sense of internal closure regarding his ex.
This is our first conversation we recorded since the first episode of the podcast came out, which offered an opportunity for interesting meta-conversations about our conversations.
Topics include:
• The shock of realizing a romantic partner can take care of us, rather than only us taking care of the partner
• How knowing our kids miss us when they're away can be a source of mixed emotions for us
• Considering the possibility that the ex's hurtful behavior stems from lack of awareness, rather than out of malicious intent
• How expecting a consistently inconsiderate ex to behave considerately is a way we set ourselves up for disappointment
• The benefit of telling kids, clearly and explicitly, about starting a new romantic relationship

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• For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org.
• To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com.
• If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.

Nearly a year after the divorce, Mark is planning a 2-week trip with his kids, and enjoying his ability to share more of his culture of origin with his kids than when he was married.
Mark continues to explore dating, and finds that his anxiety around dating diminishes as his goal shifts from wanting to be liked to checking if the connection feels like a good match.
While much of Mark's life feels good, Mark is becoming increasingly aware the anger he feels toward his ex and her affair partner. We discuss Mark's conviction that, in order to protect his kids, it's important for him to avoid feeling to too negatively about their mother. We also consider different ways Mark can reduce the intense reactivity he feels when he comes into contact with his ex's partner.
Topics include:
• The benefit of expressing preference for boundaries with ex, even if the ex does not respond or honor it
• Thinking of dating as an opportunity to check for mutual match, rather than as an opportunity to be liked or to impress someone
• The challenge of being a people-pleaser when dating, both with respect to wanting to be liked and with respect to deciding not to go on another date
• Do I need to have clear goals when dating?
• Talking with the kids when they're with the ex: Scheduled? Ad-hoc? How long should calls be?
--> • Kids getting more of the parent's culture after the divorce
• What is an appropriate level of contact and reactivity with the ex's affair partner?
• How to become less reactive to the ex and her affair partner? (minimizing exposure, reducing reaction, speeding up recovery)
* The benefits of making new friends after the divorce, people who don't know the ex
* Wanting to give grace to the ex because she is the kids' mother
* Shifting anger from the ex to her partner
* The natural--and dangerous--impulse to treat the kids as little judges, so they know we are Right and the ex is Wrong
* Creating space to feel and process the full spectrum of emotions toward the ex

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• Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources.
• To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected].
• For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org.
• To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com.
• If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.

Eleven and a half months after the divorce, Mark finds himself repeatedly rattled by unexpected close encounters with his ex' affair partner, and he is processing the anger and hurt that he feels toward his ex and her partner. We discuss ways for Mark to set clear boundaries with his ex in order to make sure these encounters don't take him by surprise. We also talk about ways to handle those times when his ex ignores his requests, including how to communicate about those times with his ex, and how to manage his own internal reactions.
Topics include:
• Being triggered by meeting the ex's (affair) partner
• Organizing and hosting birthday parties for the kids with the the ex
• Feeling excluded from shared events because of wanting to avoid the ex's presence
• The advantages and disadvantages of disclosing discomfort to the ex with her behavior
• The persistent hope that the ex will wake up to recognize her hurtful behaviors
• Reducing impact of negative triggers through (1) reducing contact, (2) Reducing reactivity, and (3) speeding recovery
• Considerations for and against informing the ex's family about the ex's hurtful behavior
• The danger of hoping the ex will start behaving differently, and the benefit of letting go of this hope
• Remembering the parts of the co-parenting relationships that are working, even when some parts are not working in very irritating ways

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• Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources.
• To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected].
• For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org.
• To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com.
• If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.

Ten and a half months after the divorce, Mark is planning his new weekly routine as his family starts the new 2-2-5 parenting schedule, and we discuss ways to make the parenting schedule smoother. Mark continues to enjoy being able to parent his way as a single parent, as reflected by a fun trip he took his kids on. On the dating front, Mark is exhausted by having to care about and communicate with people that he doesn't feel a strong interest in, which leads him to reflect on whether or not this is the right right time for him to be dating.
Topics include:
• Taking a solo trip with the kids for the first time.
• The shining benefit of being a single parent: Not needing to take the partner's preferences into considerations when planning activities
• The benefit of having kids transition between parents through school, rather than from one parent to the other.
• In dating, what are the signs that there is (not) chemistry when meeting someone new?
• Does dating someone necessarily mean having to invest a lot of emotional energy in the dating partners?

Use This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback

• Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources.
• To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected].
• For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org.
• To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com.
• If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.

Ten months after the divorce, Mark's interest in dating is waning, and he is wondering if reason is that he isn't interested in the specific women he met, or if he simply doesn't have the energy to be in a romantic relationship. Mark is also preparing for a change in the parenting schedule, from alternating weeks to a 2-2-5 schedule. We discuss the implications of the different schedules for Mark's time with his kids, and on his own.
Topics include:
• When to take a break from dating
• Preparing for a new parenting schedule, from alternating weeks to a 2-2-5 schedule
• The social impact of divorce on mutual friends and relationships with those friends
• The potential benefit to the kids of having mutual friends who choose to stay connected mostly with he ex

Use This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback

• Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources.
• To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected].
• For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org.
• To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com.
• If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.