Divorcing Dads

Nearly a year after the divorce, Mark is planning a 2-week trip with his kids, and enjoying his ability to share more of his culture of origin with his kids than when he was married.
Mark continues to explore dating, and finds that his anxiety around dating diminishes as his goal shifts from wanting to be liked to checking if the connection feels like a good match.
While much of Mark's life feels good, Mark is becoming increasingly aware the anger he feels toward his ex and her affair partner. We discuss Mark's conviction that, in order to protect his kids, it's important for him to avoid feeling to too negatively about their mother. We also consider different ways Mark can reduce the intense reactivity he feels when he comes into contact with his ex's partner.
Topics include:
• The benefit of expressing preference for boundaries with ex, even if the ex does not respond or honor it
• Thinking of dating as an opportunity to check for mutual match, rather than as an opportunity to be liked or to impress someone
• The challenge of being a people-pleaser when dating, both with respect to wanting to be liked and with respect to deciding not to go on another date
• Do I need to have clear goals when dating?
• Talking with the kids when they're with the ex: Scheduled? Ad-hoc? How long should calls be?
--> • Kids getting more of the parent's culture after the divorce
• What is an appropriate level of contact and reactivity with the ex's affair partner?
• How to become less reactive to the ex and her affair partner? (minimizing exposure, reducing reaction, speeding up recovery)
* The benefits of making new friends after the divorce, people who don't know the ex
* Wanting to give grace to the ex because she is the kids' mother
* Shifting anger from the ex to her partner
* The natural--and dangerous--impulse to treat the kids as little judges, so they know we are Right and the ex is Wrong
* Creating space to feel and process the full spectrum of emotions toward the ex

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• For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org.
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• If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.

Eleven and a half months after the divorce, Mark finds himself repeatedly rattled by unexpected close encounters with his ex' affair partner, and he is processing the anger and hurt that he feels toward his ex and her partner. We discuss ways for Mark to set clear boundaries with his ex in order to make sure these encounters don't take him by surprise. We also talk about ways to handle those times when his ex ignores his requests, including how to communicate about those times with his ex, and how to manage his own internal reactions.
Topics include:
• Being triggered by meeting the ex's (affair) partner
• Organizing and hosting birthday parties for the kids with the the ex
• Feeling excluded from shared events because of wanting to avoid the ex's presence
• The advantages and disadvantages of disclosing discomfort to the ex with her behavior
• The persistent hope that the ex will wake up to recognize her hurtful behaviors
• Reducing impact of negative triggers through (1) reducing contact, (2) Reducing reactivity, and (3) speeding recovery
• Considerations for and against informing the ex's family about the ex's hurtful behavior
• The danger of hoping the ex will start behaving differently, and the benefit of letting go of this hope
• Remembering the parts of the co-parenting relationships that are working, even when some parts are not working in very irritating ways

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• Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources.
• To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected].
• For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org.
• To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com.
• If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.

Nine and a half months after the divorce, Mark accidentally ran into his ex's partner (who was also the ex's affair partner), and was surprised at the intensity of his reaction. We talk about the process of becoming less reactive to past trauma, and about how to manage intense emotional reactions to the ex and her partner. Mark is also wondering how to support his kids about concerns they express regarding their mom's partner. On other fronts, Mark is figuring out his dating ethics and specifically how he feels about dating multiple people at the same time, and wondering if a new relationship could take away from his connection with his kids. We also talk about what to do when feeling sad immediately after the kids leave, and whether or not it's okay to try to feel better, rather than embrace feeling sad about not being with the ones we love.
Topics include:
• How long does it take to stop being triggered by the ex and reminders of the divorce?
• Running into the ex's current partner, who is also the ex's affair partner
• To disclose discomfort or to not disclose discomfort to the ex?
• The benefit of immediately connecting with a friend when becoming suddenly upset
• Measuring "emotional progress" by looking at the time to recover from emotional shocks (and not just by initial intensity of upset)
• How to support kids about concerns they express about the ex's partner
• The ethics of going on multiple dates on the same week
• Dealing with the sadness that sets in after parting with the kids
• It's okay to not experience pain when we're away from people we love; it does not mean we love them any less
• And... Mark's top tip for taking kids to Disney theme parks

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• Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources.
• To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected].
• For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org.
• To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com.
• If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.

Ten months after the divorce, Mark's interest in dating is waning, and he is wondering if reason is that he isn't interested in the specific women he met, or if he simply doesn't have the energy to be in a romantic relationship. Mark is also preparing for a change in the parenting schedule, from alternating weeks to a 2-2-5 schedule. We discuss the implications of the different schedules for Mark's time with his kids, and on his own.
Topics include:
• When to take a break from dating
• Preparing for a new parenting schedule, from alternating weeks to a 2-2-5 schedule
• The social impact of divorce on mutual friends and relationships with those friends
• The potential benefit to the kids of having mutual friends who choose to stay connected mostly with he ex

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• Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources.
• To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected].
• For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org.
• To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com.
• If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.

Eight months into the divorce, Mark continues to be surprised by ways his ex makes him uncomfortable, but recognizes that co-parenting is becoming smooth overall, and could be much worse. In our recent conversations, Mark and I discussed alternatives to the parenting schedule Mark and his ex agreed to, which is a "week on, week off" schedule, that does not allow Mark to establish a weekly routine. In this conversation, Mark shares the agreement he reached with his ex to try a different kind of parenting schedule, called a 2-2-5 schedule, which is common in many shared custody co-parenting families. In addition, we discuss the urge to manage what the other parent does with the kids, and what sort of requests and conditions feel reasonable.
Topics include:
• Feeling that the ex is claiming to have a better connection with the kids
• When the ex opens the door with no pants
• How much can we dictate what the ex does with the kids, and who the kids spend time with? (hint: not much)
• Considering playdates as brief childcare
• Realizing the things that are going well in co-parenting
• Preparing to try out a 2-2-5 parenting schedule
• Planning a spring break with the kids

Use This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback

• Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources.
• To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected].
• For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org.
• To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com.
• If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.