To Protect My Kids, There are Certain Feelings I Must Not Feel

Nearly a year after the divorce, Mark is planning a 2-week trip with his kids, and enjoying his ability to share more of his culture of origin with his kids than when he was married.
Mark continues to explore dating, and finds that his anxiety around dating diminishes as his goal shifts from wanting to be liked to checking if the connection feels like a good match.
While much of Mark's life feels good, Mark is becoming increasingly aware the anger he feels toward his ex and her affair partner. We discuss Mark's conviction that, in order to protect his kids, it's important for him to avoid feeling to too negatively about their mother. We also consider different ways Mark can reduce the intense reactivity he feels when he comes into contact with his ex's partner.
Topics include:
• The benefit of expressing preference for boundaries with ex, even if the ex does not respond or honor it
• Thinking of dating as an opportunity to check for mutual match, rather than as an opportunity to be liked or to impress someone
• The challenge of being a people-pleaser when dating, both with respect to wanting to be liked and with respect to deciding not to go on another date
• Do I need to have clear goals when dating?
• Talking with the kids when they're with the ex: Scheduled? Ad-hoc? How long should calls be?
--> • Kids getting more of the parent's culture after the divorce
• What is an appropriate level of contact and reactivity with the ex's affair partner?
• How to become less reactive to the ex and her affair partner? (minimizing exposure, reducing reaction, speeding up recovery)
* The benefits of making new friends after the divorce, people who don't know the ex
* Wanting to give grace to the ex because she is the kids' mother
* Shifting anger from the ex to her partner
* The natural--and dangerous--impulse to treat the kids as little judges, so they know we are Right and the ex is Wrong
* Creating space to feel and process the full spectrum of emotions toward the ex

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