When Kids Lie

Explicit content warning

04/04/24 • 26 min

When kids lie, it can feel personal or like a moral issue. But just like so many other challenging behaviors, it is a strategy that your child uses to communicate their negative emotion. It’s normal kid behavior (not a character flaw).

In this episode, I’ll share a handful of common reasons kids (or anyone for that matter) lie, why trying to get the truth out of them usually doesn’t work and what you can do instead when your kid lies.

You’ll Learn:

Common lies kids tell and what might be behind them
Why getting your child to confess isn’t actually that helpful
How to step into your leadership energy to deal with misbehavior
What your kid really needs when they’re using lies to cope

You don’t need to get caught up in the lie. Listen to learn how you can step into your leadership energy, connect with your kid, hold them accountable and move on!

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Often, lying happens when your kid has a problem that they don’t know how to solve or get out of. It seems like an easy solution to them. They can just lie and avoid dealing with it altogether. It’s really as simple as that.

We don’t need to cloud the issue with arguments about respect or disrespect. We can simply look at it as a skill gap. It is your job as a parent to teach your child how to solve problems in better ways.

Why Kids Lie

When you understand why your kid is behaving the way they are or using a certain coping strategy, it helps you to have more compassion as you look at the underlying issue and try to solve for it.

Lying is interesting because the underlying motivations can be a little bit complicated. Sometimes, they lie and actually talk themselves into believing that what they’re saying is true.

The underlying emotion that drives lying is usually fear of some kind, but it shows up in several different ways. These are the most common reasons kids lie.

To Avoid Trouble. Maybe they forgot to feed the dog or do a chore. They don’t want to do it, and they don’t want to get in trouble for not doing it, so they tell you it’s already done. This can also show up with siblings in the old, “I didn’t do it; She did it,” type of argument.

To Protect Themself (or you). Your child might want to protect their identity and your thoughts about them. They don’t want to see the disappointment or negative judgment on your face. They’re afraid that you won’t like them anymore or will think they’re a loser, a bad person, etc.

They might also try to protect you from feeling disappointed in them. They want you to continue thinking they’re a good kid.

To Get Something. Sometimes, kids lie to get something they want, like telling you their homework is done so they can have screen time.

To Be Seen. We’ve all heard a kid tell a really grandiose story about themselves or something that happened in their life. These kids likely feel uninteresting or unimportant, and they lie in order to get someone’s attention.

To Avoid Embarrassment. This can show up with kids who are being bullied (although there are many other things they might feel embarrassed to share, too). Either they can’t find a way to tell you or they don’t trust that you won’t tell someone else about it.

Little kids, in particular, lie a lot. Especially under age 6, they want you to believe they’re good. They’ve found this strategy to avoid discomfort, so they go all in on it.

If they see that you can handle their behavior and believe they’re a good kid, they’ll grow out of it. Connect with them, set a limit, give a correction and move on.

What To Do When Kids Lie

When our kids lie to us, we tend to have a lot of negative thoughts about them. We get really angry, so we're not neutral or curious about their behavior. That’s why, as always, getting calm is the first step.

Get curious about their reason for lying. This is really helpful, because then you can tap into compassion and soothe that underlying fear that they have. Your response might change based on the need they are trying to get met with the lie.

Don't corner your child. This is more challenging than it sounds because we feel strongly that we want our kids to confess. Especially as they get into the teenage years, it can feel like the decisions and behavior that they're lying about are dangerous. We get really worried, and we want them to tell us the truth so that we can problem solve with them.

We might try to trap or trick them into telling us the truth, but this really isn’t helpful.

Think about it from your kid’s perspective. If they admit to the lie, they're busted for two things. They're busted for the problem behavior, and now they're lying. So they might as well just stick to the lie. ...

You’ll Learn:

Common lies kids tell and what might be behind them
Why getting your child to confess isn’t actually that helpful
How to step into your leadership energy to deal with misbehavior
What your kid really needs when they’re using lies to cope

You don’t need to get caught up in the lie. Listen to learn how you can step into your leadership energy, connect with your kid, hold them accountable and move on!

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Why Kids Lie

When you understand why your kid is behaving the way they are or using a certain coping strategy, it helps you to have more compassion as you look at the underlying issue and try to solve for it.

Lying is interesting because the underlying motivations can be a little bit complicated. Sometimes, they lie and actually talk themselves into believing that what they’re saying is true.

The underlying emotion that drives lying is usually fear of some kind, but it shows up in several different ways. These are the most common reasons kids lie.

They might also try to protect you from feeling disappointed in them. They want you to continue thinking they’re a good kid.

To Get Something. Sometimes, kids lie to get something they want, like telling you their homework is done so they can have screen time.

Little kids, in particular, lie a lot. Especially under age 6, they want you to believe they’re good. They’ve found this strategy to avoid discomfort, so they go all in on it.

If they see that you can handle their behavior and believe they’re a good kid, they’ll grow out of it. Connect with them, set a limit, give a correction and move on.

What To Do When Kids Lie

We might try to trap or trick them into telling us the truth, but this really isn’t helpful.

Previous Episode

Handling “I Hate You”

Hearing your kid say, “I hate you” can be one of the hardest things to hear as a parent. Today, I’m giving you tangible, easy to apply strategies for handling “I hate you,” including ways to feel less upset by it and change the pattern.

In this episode:

Why kids say, “I hate you,” even though they don’t really mean it
How to protect your feelings
Why saying, “I hate you” hurts your child, too
How to change this pattern of behavior

Your child doesn’t actually hate you. They just don’t have the skill or language to describe their feelings in a healthier way (yet). Listen to learn how to give your kid better strategies for dealing with their big feelings and coach them toward emotional literacy.

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What Are They Actually Saying?

When your kid tells you they hate you, it’s easy to jump to thoughts about how disrespectful, embarrassing and hurtful they are being.

For the most part, kids don’t hate their parents. So, when they say, “I hate you,” what they’re usually trying to say is, “I hate this,” or “I hate this rule,” or “I hate this situation.”

Your child is communicating their frustration, disappointment, anger or hurt about the circumstance they are in. The strategy they’re using is to blame you because, in their mind, you are what is blocking them from getting the thing they want.

Handling “I Hate You”

Of course, saying, “I hate you,” when they are disappointed is not how we want our kids to cope with negative emotion, so we will work to change the pattern. But we’re not trying to change the pattern because it’s disrespectful and rude.

We want to change it because it hurts our child to communicate their emotion this way. It is not a healthy way to cope. What we may not always see is that after the “I hate you,” they also have to deal with guilt and confusion over saying that to someone that they really love.

Our goal is to give them better tools to deal with discomfort and disappointment.

Step 1: Get neutral (CALM)

Start by reframing the statement. Remember that they are using that sentence to cope with discomfort or pain - a feeling that they don’t know how to deal with. Letting yourself know that it really isn’t about you will help you feel calm.

Next, find the pattern that you want to change. Is there something that seems to trigger the “I hate you”? Maybe it has something to do with screen time rules or when you tell them they can’t have a treat.

Step 2: Talk to your kid about the words (CONNECT)

Your child might not have the words for what they’re feeling or why they are upset.

Have a connection conversation with them outside of the “I hate you” moment. Share the pattern that you’ve noticed, and help them name the anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, hurt, or whatever they might be feeling.

Here’s an example:

Hey, honey, I've noticed a pattern that when you get really mad about something, you say, “I hate you.” And saying, “I hate you” makes a lot of sense because you are really angry and you want to tell me that. Listen, I know you don't actually hate me because we love each other so much. I think you’re trying to say, “I hate this. I don’t like your rules. I don’t like when you say no to me.”

Give them some time to talk here, to complain a little about their life. Create space for their thoughts and feelings to come up. Just listen. Don’t try to defend yourself or convince them of anything. If there is something you do in that situation that is really causing a problem for them, take responsibility and apologize.

Step 3: Problem solving (LIMIT SET)

This is where we teach a new strategy. Set a limit with the goal of raising a kid who is able to communicate their real feelings with their parent (and others in their life). This is a kid who doesn’t have to show up in ways that don’t work and then feel bad about it and carry that guilt and shame.

We want our kids to be able to talk about the situation and separate the situation from the person. We’re giving the message that it’s okay to be mad about a rule or a situation, but it’s not okay to make it personal and tell someone you hate them.

Ask your child what they can say instead when they want to say, “I hate you.” Preview the situation and get their brain to think and problem solve in advance. They probably won’t always remember to use this new strategy, but you can practice and remind them of the plan.

Example:

I am not going to let you say, “I hate you” anymore because I know you don't hate me. I know you feel bad about it. I want you to be able to say, “I don't like the situation,” or “I hate this thing.” When you say, “I hate you,” I’m going to tell you to try again....

Next Episode

Parenting The Kid In Front Of You

I often talk about parenting the kid in front of you, not the one you wish you had or the one you’re afraid they’ll become.

Today, I’ll explain three thoughts that you’ve probably experienced when you don’t like your kid’s behavior or parts of their personality, why judgments about your kid aren’t helpful and what to do instead.

You’ll Learn:

The parenting advice I give the most
Why behavior is really just information - and what to do with it
How raising a kid is like baking a special kind of cake
The long term benefits of unconditional acceptance.

It’s never too late to commit to shifting how you think and feel about your kid.

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I just got home from a trip to Paris with my newly-turned-18-year-old son. I got to spend a lot of time with him, getting to see and know who he is right now. We had an amazing trip, and there were also times where I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable, sad or disappointed about his views or attitude toward certain things.

I’m continuing to work through some of those feelings even after we’ve returned home, and I hope my experience will help you parent the kid in front of you, too.

Why Parenting The Kid In Front of You Is Important

When we’re in a relationship with someone and we make their behavior mean something negative, then it is going to sour the relationship and the way that we interact with them.

When you perceive your kid in a certain way, thoughts and feelings come up, and these drive your actions. It's really important to work on how you think and feel about your kid and not put that negative attitude or judgment on their behavior.

This can be really hard because as a parent, it is your responsibility to help your kid learn how to be in relationship with themselves and others. You’re trying to teach values like politeness, generosity and kindness.

But sometimes, you see your kid behave in ways that are opposite to those values. What often happens is that you get so caught up in the behavior and what it means that it prevents you from actually parenting and teaching them the skills they need in order to become who they’re meant to be.

Your child is on a journey of development. In order to help them grow, you have to accept how they are right now, from a neutral place, and see it either as a part of their personality that hasn’t fully developed or a skill that they haven’t yet learned.

3 Negative Mindsets to Avoid

When your kid behaves in a way you don't like, it's easy to make their behavior mean something negative - either about you as a parent, them as a person, or their future.

All of these negative stories impact how you show up as a parent; and have a negative impact on your child.

These are the three negative mindsets I see causing the most long-term harm.

#1: Making your child’s behavior mean something about you. If you look at your child’s behavior and think, “I’m a bad parent,” it makes it feel really personal. It puts you into your own story and takes you out of what’s going on with your kid.

You might find yourself overparenting, being overly strict, harsh or mean. Often, this is where I see parents skip past calm and connection and go straight to correction and consequences.

Behavior is a coping strategy, and the behavior you’re seeing is just information, data about where your child needs support, tools and skills.

Instead of thinking, “How does this behavior affect me? How does it reflect on me?”, try asking, “How is this behavior going to affect my child? What skill is missing here? What do they need to learn?”

When you see that they’re acting the way they are because they’ve overwhelmed and don’t know how to cope, you can show up with compassion and help them problem-solve.

#2: Making their behavior mean something about the future. This is where you find yourself jumping to the worst-case scenario. You assume that this negative behavior will play out long into the future and become a part of their identity. One example is that your kid lies to you, so you think, “they are going to become a liar.”

Instead of giving them this negative self-concept, acknowledge that this is where they are right now, and they have so much time to learn and grow.

Think back to when you were in middle school or high school. I’m guessing there were times when you (like me) said or did “bad” or inappropriate things that you didn’t necessarily know were wrong. You needed to be taught. Think about how much you’ve changed since that time.

We all go through different versions of ourselves, and we learn through mistakes. But our core self is true and lovable and worthy and wonderful.

Your child’s core is unconditionally worthy of love and acceptance. A...

Become A Calm Mama - When Kids Lie

Transcript

00:00:02.240

Alright. Welcome back to become a calm mama. I am your host, Dianna Lynn Childress. I am a life and parenting coach, and I wanna talk today about lying because it comes up a lot in my coaching practice, and it seems to be almost like the I hate you conversation we had last week. It seems to be another one of those things that is really difficult for parents to deal with. Because it kind of has the same effect on you that I hate you does where it feels very personal an