These Two Simple Words Will Make Your New Habits Stick – LOP090

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06/12/19 • 17 min

Why Saying “I Can’t” or “No” Won’t Help Change Your Behaviour

Some time ago I was following up with a coaching client about his challenge of saying “Yes” to too many opportunities. He was getting bogged down in commitments which were distracting from what was most important in his life and career. He felt very uncomfortable saying "no" to someone who asked for his help or advice – which on the one hand is a compliment – but on the other hand, he needed to say “yes” to his own needs, before anyone else.

I’ve spoken about this before in the episode, Saying Yes to Everything Will Get You Nothing You Want – LOP068. I wrote,

Say YES to get your own needs met first. Say YES to what you love about yourself that makes you feel that you are enough. Find ways to say YES to yourself first, when others are used to you saying YES to what they want.

My client and I discussed how to deal with the short term discomfort of saying “no”, versus the long-term regret of saying “yes” to an opportunity or a request for help. It can feel easier and less emotional to say “yes” to someone; they won’t feel bad, upset, or disappointed – if that even bothers them at all. But if you commit to something you don’t want to do or don’t have enough time to do well, you will feel the pain of regret; of having not been able to bear the discomfort of saying, “no”.

Shortly after our exchange, I read a helpful article on the more successful outcome of saying, “I don’t” versus “I can’t” or “No”. In The Simple Neuroscience Of Saying No, Dax Moy explains why saying, “I don’t” is more powerful in the mind.

“I don’t” is a form of self-definition.

Saying, “No” is the other side of saying, “yes” and saying, “I can’t” potentiates self-judgement, weakness, limitation, and denial of something you still believe you want.

While this article is written about the choices you make for yourself, we can expand the use of, “I don’t” into social, academic, or work environments when you face the immediate pressure of someone asking you directly for your help or involvement.

In my client’s case, I suggested what we have previously discussed: know your schedule, your current commitments, and what matters most to you. With that knowledge, practice knowing and feeling what you “don’t do” or “don’t have time for”.

A mentioned in Moy’s article, simple is best. No detailed explanations are required. For example, “Hey Randal, I think you’d be a valuable addition to our board of directors. We just lost a member and we all want you to take her seat.” To which you could respond, “Thanks for thinking of me. I don’t have the time to help this year.” Then change the subject, perhaps asking about their next project or something that immediately deflects into another discussion.

To what have you been saying, "I can't" in your life? How different would that feel for you to instead declare what you “don’t” do?

Image credit: "Don't" by Paul Sableman

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Why Saying “I Can’t” or “No” Won’t Help Change Your Behaviour

I’ve spoken about this before in the episode, Saying Yes to Everything Will Get You Nothing You Want – LOP068. I wrote,

“I don’t” is a form of self-definition.

Saying, “No” is the other side of saying, “yes” and saying, “I can’t” potentiates self-judgement, weakness, limitation, and denial of something you still believe you want.

To what have you been saying, "I can't" in your life? How different would that feel for you to instead declare what you “don’t” do?

Image credit: "Don't" by Paul Sableman

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Previous Episode

The Participation of Uniformed Police at Toronto Pride in 2019 – LOP089

Why Black Lives Matters was right: Uniformed Police have no place at Pride.

Imagine watching the Pride Parade on a gorgeous, sunny, summer day in Toronto, 2016. You’re smiling, laughing, and feeling part of something bigger than yourself, celebrating love and diversity marching down Yonge Street in Toronto.

Suddenly you hear whistles and a voice on a bull horn shouting demands. A group of people calling themselves Black Lives Matters (BLM) stops the entire Toronto Pride Parade by sitting down on the hot asphalt on Yonge Street, halting the parade for about 45 minutes.

Why did this happen and why does this matter?

Black Lives Matters had many demands that had to do with safety, diversity, representation, and inclusion. They were tired of waiting for Pride Toronto to make things better. Their biggest demand was for Pride Toronto to deny uniformed police to participate in the next year’s Pride – be that marching, being on a float, or having a table at the Pride Street Festival while in uniform.

This week, Doug Ford, the Premiere of Ontario stated that he will not attend Toronto Pride this year until uniformed officers are allowed to participate. The problem with this statement is based in Ford’s bias, prejudice, political posturing, and a complete lack of awareness of his privilege as a white, straight, rich man who has never suffered injustice for freely expressing his identity.

Today’s episode is not for those easily offended.

I hold nothing back, I’m highly critical, but more importantly, I get to the root of the problem and explain why it’s still important that uniformed police not be allowed to attend Toronto Pride – and what LGTBQ members of the police "force" can do to feel included at Pride.

Dive Deeper into this social justice issue:

Listen to the ON Point with host, Alex Pierson, in which she interviews Shaun Proulx: Premier Doug Ford will not attend the Toronto Pride parade.

Read this excellent opinion piece by Joey Viola, SOCIETY :: Black Lives Matter – Toronto Pride 2016

Correction

In the episode, I mistakenly state that Rob Ford always used the excuse that he would not attend Toronto Pride because of his annual Ford Nation BBQ. That was, in fact, held at a different time. Ford never attended Pride based on the excuse that he and his family would be at their cottage during Pride weekend.

Image credit: Tension by Loozrboy

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Next Episode

Deconstructing the Myth of Stonewall and its Influence on Mainstream Society – LOP091

A Living OUT Leadership Interview with Jeff Iovannone and Ken Gault

In this special "Pride" episode, we discuss the “Stonewall origin myth” and why the mainstream assumption that “gay liberation” started with Stonewall is both problematic and harmful.

According to Jeffry Iovannone, one of the two commentators on this episode,

“The danger of the Stonewall myth [...] lies in the fact that it has become not only one story LGBTQ people tell about themselves, but the story we tell about ourselves. Stonewall is not just a narrative, but a meta-narrative: a totalizing account regarded as a universal truth that excludes other narrative threads and possibilities.”Source

Ken Gault – our "Gay Elder" commentator this episode – was born in 1951 and has the lived experience of growing up in the time preceding the singular event known as the Stonewall riots. He remembers going out to the bars before 1969 and seeing people who were happy to be among others like themselves. Surprisingly, Gault didn’t hear about the riots until five years after the event. So what does that tell us about how Stonewall has been configured in our collective psyche as a “tipping point” in our LGBTQ history?

We move through history, not to discuss the events of Stonewall themselves, but to better understand all the other layers of history that have brought us to this point in time. We consider the origins of what we call Pride today, the examples of bravery, empathy, and the human strength of those who fought, gave care, and died during the AIDS crisis, what we have fought for over the past 50 years, the commodification and commercialization of LGBTQ Pride, the issues of privilege, visibility, the ignorance of history, and police at Pride.

Speaker Bios

For over 50 years, Ken Gault has been an active participant, observer and raconteur in the gay communities of Montreal, Baltimore and New York: the turmoil of the ’60s and Stonewall, the excesses of the 70s, the harsh realities of the 80s, miracles of the 90s. And this millennium: a new beginning or business as usual, political power or personal growth? Stay tuned, “GUncle” Ken explains it all for you. Follow Ken on Medium where he pens his “On This Day” series at Th-Ink Queerly and on Facebook.

Jeff Iovannone is an activist-scholar, writer, educator, and researcher from Buffalo, New York who holds a Ph.D. in American Studies and specializes in gender and LGBTQ studies. He is the creator of the blog Queer History for the People, a columnist for Th-Ink Queerly, a member of the Buffalo-Niagara LGBTQ History Project, and is a founding member of Body Liberated Buffalo, a volunteer-run activist and advocacy group that works for body liberation in Western New York. He first appeared on the Living OUT Podcast in, Jeffry Iovannone: Deconstructing the Ideal Gay Male Body – LOP077.

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References

Stonewall Was Not the Beginning of the Gay Rights MovementThe Participation of Uniformed Police at Toronto Pride in 2019 – LOP089Pride: Party, Protest, Or Both? – LOP004Pride: Should We Party, Protest Or Both?Gay Men and The New Way Forward by Raymond Rigoglioso

Image credit: yosoynuts

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