Healthy Couples Keep Talking

03/06/23 • 38 min

Show Notes

Love and trust are great, but without the practical skill of good communication, your marriage might not go the distance.

Healthy Couples Fight Right

Healthy couples keep talking, even when it leads to conflict. Fighting is good and helpful if you do it the right way.

Ephesians 4:29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

The goal isn’t to never fight. In fact when couples say that, alarm bells go off for me. Passion brings emotions. Investing in your marriage means engaging with each other in real ways.

Fighting for something means you care about it.

Fight Languages

Avoid the three unhealthy “Fight Languages”: escalation, withdrawal, and invalidation. These habits become the issues that derail you from talking about the issue you’re trying to solve.

Healthy Skills for communication

Healthy communicators use “I feel...because” statements instead of pointing fingers at their spouse. Learn to be an active listener and work together to find solutions.

Show Notes

Love and trust are great, but without the practical skill of good communication, your marriage might not go the distance.

Healthy Couples Fight Right

Healthy couples keep talking, even when it leads to conflict. Fighting is good and helpful if you do it the right way.

Ephesians 4:29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

The goal isn’t to never fight. In fact when couples say that, alarm bells go off for me. Passion brings emotions. Investing in your marriage means engaging with each other in real ways.

Fighting for something means you care about it.

Fight Languages

Avoid the three unhealthy “Fight Languages”: escalation, withdrawal, and invalidation. These habits become the issues that derail you from talking about the issue you’re trying to solve.

Healthy Skills for communication

Healthy communicators use “I feel...because” statements instead of pointing fingers at their spouse. Learn to be an active listener and work together to find solutions.

Previous Episode

Here's How to Earn Trust in Your Marriage

If you want a life-long marriage, trust is essential. It's not something that can be freely given, but must be earned every day. Learn how forgiveness and hard work can help build and restore trust in your marriage.

Shownotes:

Three pillars of a great marriage.

Choosing love (pillar 1) will lead to a life-long marriage, but it'll feel like bondage without a daily commitment to the second pillar: earning trust.

We all have examples of people who we can’t trust.

Shares info you asked them to keep confidential
Person doesn’t show up on time for meetings
Over-emotional at times so hard to know what version you get
Outright lies
Unmet needs even when we’ve expressed them

It’s even more devastating when it happens in marriage. The person who is supposed to love you the most has betrayed you in some way. In order to really understand the importance of trust, let’s begin with a definition.

Defining Trust

Trust is relying on the integrity or ability of another person. Your ability to truly trust someone is based on their character, not yours.

Deuteronomy 7:9 Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.
My example with the hot dog situation.

Trust is often misunderstood. Trust can be a “you” issue (if you have a history of abuse/abandonment you may be untrusting even if someone has proven to be trustworthy). Usually, though, trust is about the other person, their character.

The mistake people make is giving away trust without making sure the other person is trustworthy. That’s why the emphasis is on the character of the other person.

Trust is paramount to a healthy marriage. Healthy couples understand that trust is an ongoing endeavor. That’s why our second principle is this

Trust Is Earned

Trust is earned, not freely given. That’s why every spouse needs to work hard to earn trust from their spouse everyday.

Think about trust like a bank account. How does it work with money? Deposits build up our account. Withdrawals deplete it. Same with trust. Every word, action either builds trust (deposits) or depletes it.

Characteristics of Trust

Measurable

Good news. You can measure if trust is working in your relationship and there are concrete things you can do to earn it back when it’s lost.

Measurable part is important to unpack. Here are some examples of measurable things that can be done to earn more trust.

Money issues: ask spouse to keep receipts and track with a budget.
Porn: get software that tracks searches, get in a group for accountability, give passwords to spouse
Infidelity: be on phone when it’s broken off. Give spouse access to your phone, tracking etc.
Follow through: create a “to do list”, plan out a time budget etc.
When you fail, confess promptly

All of those things are measurable actions that your spouse can say “You’re doing those things! I can trust you more” or “You aren’t doing those things so I still don’t trust you.”

Building trust happens slowly over time, like building up a savings account.

Trust is reactive... We’ve already talked about the reactive part. Give trust as someone earns it.

Trust vs Forgiveness

Trust is reactive, but forgiveness is proactive. Extending forgiveness opens the door to restoring broken trust.

Colossians 3:12-13 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Next Episode

Parenting Principle #1 - Put God First in Your Family

If you want to lead your kids to the promised land, follow the timeless advice of Moses to parents and grandparents. The first principle is simple: put God first.

Standing at the edge of the promised land, Moses gave a speech specifically for parents and grandparents (pretty incredible)
We’ll get to his words soon enough, but first let’s define the “parenting promised land” (goal of every Christian parent) - to raise healthy kids who leave the home and love Jesus on their own.
We meet too many parents who grieve over the decisions of their kids - and it’s getting harder than ever to parent. So this goes out to parents with young children at home - you can do this, but start early!!!

Parenting Principle

Parenting is like everything else in life: if you put God first, the rest of it falls into place. That’s why our first Parenting Principle is: put God first.

Before you can teach your kids about God, you need to know Him yourself. Where does God fall in your list of priorities?

Deuteronomy 5:7-21,33 7 “You must not have any other god but me. 8 “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind, or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. 9 You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. 10 But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those[b] who love me and obey my commands.

What “idols” do you have?

Money/Stuff
Sports

What drives us to spend so much time and money on sports? Is it for our own egos? What about that recreational vehicle or costly trips? Do we justify that over God because “we deserve it”

Matthew 6:33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

The fifth commandment

The command to obey applies to both parents and kids: parents obey God and kids obey parents. The fifth commandment (honor your parents) serves as a bridge between the “love God” and “love people” commandments.

No god but me
No idols
Don’t misuse God’s name
Observe the Sabbath

16 “Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

Don’t murder
Don’t commit adultery
Don’t steal
Don’t testify falsely
Don’t covet

Are you modeling obedience to God in your own life? Do your kids see you living according to a biblical worldview? If you model a heart of obedience to God, your kids will learn to have a heart of obedience, too. First to your rules but as they grow older, to God’s rules.

Deuteronomy 6:1-3, “These are the commands, decrees, and regulations that the Lord your God commanded me to teach you. You must obey them in the land you are about to enter and occupy, 2 and you and your children and grandchildren must fear the Lord your God as long as you live. If you obey all his decrees and commands, you will enjoy a long life. 3 Listen closely, Israel, and be careful to obey. Then all will go well with you, and you will have many children in the land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your ancestors, promised you.

Ephesians 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord,[a] for this is the right thing to do. 2 “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3 If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”

Every part of our lives

Wholehearted obedience should impact every part of our lives – both personally and as a family unit. Learn to practice spiritual disciplines like prayer, Bible reading, and family time.

Deuteronomy 6:4-7
What do you as parents model for your kids about your time?
Do they see you read the Bible or pray? Do they hear you talk about decisions running it through a biblical grid? Do they see you sacrifice time, money and talents for God?
The foundation of your family matters. If God is first, every dec...