Broken Wing Syndrome with Leah Sefor
Explicit content warning
10/18/21 • 54 min
-What is ‘broken wing syndrome’ and how does it relate to codependency?
-If codependents take the role of “victim” or “rescuer” in their relationship, what happens if they attempt to change that dynamic?
-What is “shadow work” and how can that help someone stuck in a broken wing syndrome dynamic?
In this week’s episode, Marissa is joined by Leah Sefor, South Africa’s go-to life and relationships expert. Leah shares with us about Broken Wing Syndrome, a dynamic in an intimate relationship where one partner is the “victim” and the other is the “rescuer.” Leah provides examples and connects this dynamic with codependency where the victim and rescuer are codependent on maintaining these roles--even when they become toxic and damaging. We conclude with Leah’s advice on how to get out of this dynamic if you’re stuck in it via shadow work. It’s a must-listen!
Thanks for listening!
www.codependummy.com/challenge for the 30-Day Self-Validation Challenge!https://linktr.ee/codependummy
More about this episode’s guest:
Leah Sefor is South Africa’s go-to life and relationships expert. She is well known for being a straight-talking, take-no-prisoners life coach, author, podcaster and speaker whose work is all about ‘what it means to be real’. Leah delivers dynamic coaching experiences, facilitating breakthroughs, and gives men and women the wake up calls they need to create a non-negotiable life. Your journey to a more authentic life starts with her.
https://web.facebook.com/leahsefor
https://www.instagram.com/leah.sefor/
Leah’s giveaways: https://www.leahsefor.com/freebies
More deets on this week’s episode:
Leah shares with us her own definition and conceptualization of codependency. “Mutual manipulation.”
Leah describes aspects of codependency in her own life, including an abusive and toxic relationship in her early 20s. “He was a serial cheater.” Lean opens up about how she repeatedly forgave him since he kept “choosing me” every time he cheated.
Leah defines Broken Wing Syndrome: The dynamic of the rescuer and the victim, usually the man rescuing the woman from a horrible ex or a life of struggle. She needs to stay the victim for him to be attracted and he needs to constantly be the saviour for her to be attracted. The minute she wants to step into her power or him into his vulnerability, the relationship starts to crack.
We hear how Broken Wing Syndrome relates to codependency and what the consequences are of maintaining this dynamic long-term: RESENTMENT, CONTROL, TOXIC interactions. Yuck!
Leah describes how patriarchy and culture both contribute to the development of Broken Wing Syndrome. Marissa adds how families can add to the dynamic and what the messages/modeling can do to the children within that dynamic.
Leah describes ways she works with clients to address their Broken Wing Syndrome via shadow work where they look at the various parts of themselves, their “shadow self,” to then become an integrated whole.
Questions for homework:
If you relate to this dynamic, where do you sense you learned to be a “rescuer” or “victim?”
If you are in this dynamic right now, how is the dynamic serving you?
If you want to get help and get out of the broken wing dynamic, what outside support can you seek? (therapy, coaching, support group)
What aspects of your shadow self, the parts of you that are repressed and suppressed, do you need to start acknowledging?
Thanks for listening!
Marissa’s info:
[email protected]www.codependummy.com/challenge
@therapywithmarissa on IG
Wanna work with me? Go to www.therapywithmarissa.com
Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy
-What is ‘broken wing syndrome’ and how does it relate to codependency?
-If codependents take the role of “victim” or “rescuer” in their relationship, what happens if they attempt to change that dynamic?
-What is “shadow work” and how can that help someone stuck in a broken wing syndrome dynamic?
In this week’s episode, Marissa is joined by Leah Sefor, South Africa’s go-to life and relationships expert. Leah shares with us about Broken Wing Syndrome, a dynamic in an intimate relationship where one partner is the “victim” and the other is the “rescuer.” Leah provides examples and connects this dynamic with codependency where the victim and rescuer are codependent on maintaining these roles--even when they become toxic and damaging. We conclude with Leah’s advice on how to get out of this dynamic if you’re stuck in it via shadow work. It’s a must-listen!
Thanks for listening!
www.codependummy.com/challenge for the 30-Day Self-Validation Challenge!https://linktr.ee/codependummy
More about this episode’s guest:
Leah Sefor is South Africa’s go-to life and relationships expert. She is well known for being a straight-talking, take-no-prisoners life coach, author, podcaster and speaker whose work is all about ‘what it means to be real’. Leah delivers dynamic coaching experiences, facilitating breakthroughs, and gives men and women the wake up calls they need to create a non-negotiable life. Your journey to a more authentic life starts with her.
https://web.facebook.com/leahsefor
https://www.instagram.com/leah.sefor/
Leah’s giveaways: https://www.leahsefor.com/freebies
More deets on this week’s episode:
Leah shares with us her own definition and conceptualization of codependency. “Mutual manipulation.”
Leah describes aspects of codependency in her own life, including an abusive and toxic relationship in her early 20s. “He was a serial cheater.” Lean opens up about how she repeatedly forgave him since he kept “choosing me” every time he cheated.
Leah defines Broken Wing Syndrome: The dynamic of the rescuer and the victim, usually the man rescuing the woman from a horrible ex or a life of struggle. She needs to stay the victim for him to be attracted and he needs to constantly be the saviour for her to be attracted. The minute she wants to step into her power or him into his vulnerability, the relationship starts to crack.
We hear how Broken Wing Syndrome relates to codependency and what the consequences are of maintaining this dynamic long-term: RESENTMENT, CONTROL, TOXIC interactions. Yuck!
Leah describes how patriarchy and culture both contribute to the development of Broken Wing Syndrome. Marissa adds how families can add to the dynamic and what the messages/modeling can do to the children within that dynamic.
Leah describes ways she works with clients to address their Broken Wing Syndrome via shadow work where they look at the various parts of themselves, their “shadow self,” to then become an integrated whole.
Questions for homework:
If you relate to this dynamic, where do you sense you learned to be a “rescuer” or “victim?”
If you are in this dynamic right now, how is the dynamic serving you?
If you want to get help and get out of the broken wing dynamic, what outside support can you seek? (therapy, coaching, support group)
What aspects of your shadow self, the parts of you that are repressed and suppressed, do you need to start acknowledging?
Thanks for listening!
Marissa’s info:
[email protected]www.codependummy.com/challenge
@therapywithmarissa on IG
Wanna work with me? Go to www.therapywithmarissa.com
Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy
Previous Episode
Butt Massages: What Poor Physical Boundaries Look Like
-How and why do codependents have difficulty setting boundaries--especially physical?
-What are the consequences of poor physical boundaries?
-When an we trust intuition in setting boundaries?
In this week’s episode, Marissa discusses the ever-elusive concept of B O U N D A R I E S, specifically physical ones. You’ll hear about where we learn boundaries, the different types (since there are SO many), and what makes it so hard for codependents to set healthy boundaries for themselves and their bodies. Marissa recalls a butt massage she received thanks to her poor physical boundaries in hopes that you won’t have to endure the same awkward and inappropriate experience. It’s a must-listen!
Thanks for supporting the podcast! Check out:
@therapywithmarissa on IG https://linktr.ee/codependummy
Did you sign up for the 30-day Self Validation Challenge? If not, here’s my pitch: go to www.codependummy.com/challenge to join and set the ball in motion for a healthier, more conscious, and self-validating you in a month from now!
More deets on this week’s episode:
PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES: invisible and symbolic force fields that have three purposes: first, to keep people from coming into your space and abusing you; second, to keep you from going into the space of others and abusing them; and third, to give you a way to embody your sense of self, of “who you are “ - Pia Mellody in Facing Codependency.
There are many types of boundaries:
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Time
Intellectual
Spiritual
Material
Physical boundaries are:
-culturally specific
-gender specific
-often modeled to us by our parents and other authority figures in our lives.
“Codependents demonstrate the boundary systems that their parents had” - Pia Mellody
Why BOUNDARIES ARE IMPORTANT:
You don’t get walked (or trampled on)
You’re able to thus be present
You’re able to thus focus on the task at hand
You’re thus more efficient, effective, and energized
You don’t have to deal with the effort it takes to move someone out of your boundary then repair or replace the damaged areas.
According to Pia Melody, intact boundaries enable you to have true intimacy in your life when you choose while also being protected from being abused physically, emotionally, spiritually, time-wise, etc.
Where my poor physical boundary led me to with chiropractors: Mr. Chatty versus Mr. Creepy.
I couldn’t tell Mr. Chatty that he talked too much.
I couldn’t tell Mr. Creepy that his behavior was inappropriate and causing me discomfort. It ultimately ended in my butt massage, making another appointment, calling my twin sister to tell her what happened, then FINALLY stopping my visits to him. This is what happens when we fail to honor our boundaries: butt massages from creepy chiropractors. I can point the finger at him all day but I also want to look at my part, my contribution, where I was responsible: I should have given myself permission to first sign up creepiness or mentioned it to my sister rather than wait several appointments and a butt massage later.
Questions for homework:
Who, if anyone in your life, is violating your physical boundaries?
In what ways are you trying to avoid, hint at, or passively assert them?
What would you prefer their physical contact with you looked like?
How can you trust that this gut-reaction for a physical boundary is okay to set?
How can you go about setting it this week?
Thanks for listening!
Marissa’s info:
@therapywithmarissa on IG
Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy
Next Episode
Self-Neglect and Codependency with Latasha Dixon, LMFT
-What is “self-neglect?”
-How can self-care and self-love combat our neglect of self?
-What are ways that our families, culture, and society reinforce self-neglect and how can we put a stop to it?
In this week’s episode, Marissa is joined by Latasha Dixon, LMFT. Latasha opens up about aspects of codependency in her own life and how that led to self-neglect. Latasha describes what self-neglect is: not choosing ourselves over and over again. You’ll hear about what self-neglect looks like--and no, it’s not just someone whose overdrinking or living in poor conditions--it might just be you. We end with Latasha sharing how self-care and self-love are the cures to self-neglect plus ways you can start taking care of yourself ASAP. It’s a must-listen!
Thanks for listening!
More about this episode’s guest: Latasha Dixon is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. She is the CEO/ Clinical Director of her private group practice Emerge Psychotherapy Services and Owner of Merg Match-making.
@emergepsyhcotherapy for both Instagram and Facebook
Check out:
www.codependummy.com/challenge for the 30-Day Self-Validation Challenge!
@therapywithmarissa on IG https://linktr.ee/codependummy
More deets on this week’s episode:
We start with hearing about Tasha’s definition and experience of codependency. She opens up about being “Miss independent but then I didn’t have any expectations for anyone else and did it all myself.”
Tasha shares with us what “self-neglect” is: not choosing ourselves. And we do it over, and over, and over again!
Marissa gathers how, despite what we may picture as “neglect,” what it actually looks and feels like. It’s not having tattered clothes or poor hygiene. Latasha describes how overworking, undereating, and putting everyone else before yourself are ways we can neglect ourselves.
Latasha describes what self-care is: choosing ourselves. She gives great examples of how self-care isn’t always about “adding” to your life, like adding massages, adding vacations, adding spending money. She simplifies it for us and describes how self-care can be as easy as “kinder self-talk.”
Latasha defines “self” and how we all need to ask ourselves “what is self?” She shares about her own sense of “self” and how that has changed over the years thanks to all her work in therapy.
Questions for homework:
How are you currently neglecting your self?
How have you been reinforced to neglect your self?
How does neglecting yourself serve you?
How are you currently practicing self-care?
What can you add, keep, or takeaway from your life to practice self-care?
What is your definition of “self?”
Thanks for listening!
Marissa’s info:
[email protected]www.codependummy.com/challenge
@therapywithmarissa on IG
Wanna work with me? Go to www.therapywithmarissa.com
Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy
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