Speak LOUD

Today I’m talking with Mandy Capehart, author, speaker, and certified grief and life coach. She’s the founder of the restorative grief project, an online resource for grievers looking for growth and healing. Today, she’s here to speak loud about grief literacy, and the language needed to navigate grief for ourselves and others.

The Unalignment of Grief

Mandy recounts having lost someone to death almost every year of her life. While she was grieving almost constantly, she says that she wasn’t doing so in a good way. She coped with humor and by minimizing herself to service others. The first eye opener came in high school, when her senior class shared a loss of another classmate and Mandy began to realize that not all of the methods used to move through grief were effective.

In 2016, Mandy’s mother died 4 months after being diagnosed with cancer. Mandy had just had a baby and had planned on her mother being with her to help take care of her grandchild. After taking the time needed to process, Mandy began exploring what she recognized as the unalignment of thoughts, emotions, body, and spirit when someone is grieving. Since then, she’s been speaking publicly and educating herself and others.

Be Heard, Known, and Loved

Part of Mandy’s goal is teaching people how to be heard—and how to listen to others. Bearing witness, as she explains it, is more than just holding space for someone. It’s experiencing the honest truth of what they’re going through without judgment or advice on how to ‘fix’ a situation.

For someone going through grief, Mandy says it’s important to know yourself and your support group. Who would you call if you need an ear or a hug and who would you call if you need someone to organize your linen closet? It’s okay to be specific. The same goes for supporters. If there’s something that you can offer, let your friend know. Trauma survivors know how tough they are. Sometimes they need the space to be heard, known, and loved rather than having someone try to fix the situation.

Grieving Outside of Church

When Mandy’s mother died, Mandy had been leading a worship at church. After that loss, she didn’t know how to work through her feelings within the faith. Many people within the faith minimized her pain by supporting a religious agenda or their own beliefs. She stepped down as a worship leader, knowing she couldn’t lead herself, let alone others.

Mandy’s book came from this time of reflection and exploration of what faith means in this new world. She realized that the church did not know how to support her and also noticed that it wasn’t able to support people through the pandemic. Her book offers a guide for people within the church realms to move past scriptures and lean into the practical element with daily prompts and quotes and practical resources to revisit whenever needed.

Listen in to learn more about the Restorative Grief Project, the cyclical nature of grief, and how to start talking about grief in your life.

Today I’m talking with Christine Malek, the founder and creator of “The SASSI Coach” program for women in or recovering from abusive situations. She is an advocate for women against domestic violence and uses a unique coaching approach to bring out the strength and light in every woman she works with. Her life mission is to help others “ruffle some feathers and blow some minds” as they identify and reach their goals.

Shining a Spotlight on Abuse

Christine experienced every abuse in the book. Her defining moment was in 2018 when her abuser shot her in the back of the head after an altercation. She remembers the night vividly and recalls her thoughts at the time the gun went off: “Fuck, I’m not dead,” and, “Oh, I’m not dead.” She was described as ‘lucky’ that her abuser must have tilted the gun to only graze her at the last moment, but Christine knows that this moment was her angels stepping in.

This was what forced Christine to admit that something had to change. The abuser wasn’t worth her life or freedom. Her guides had set her down a new path, one that meant shining a spotlight on the subject of abuse and those suffering in silence. She had to put her foot down—first for herself and then for others.

Following Your Own Path

Christine emphasizes the importance of having a plan when escaping an abusive situation. “I don’t care how lame the plan is,” she says. It’s more important to have one. 1 in 7 women never escape their abuse. The small steps—setting dollars or even coins aside, stashing go-bags with important items and records—are crucial in leaving an abusive situation.

Ironically, Christine’s journey as a coach was unplanned. But it was soon clear to her that this was her path in life. As a business consultant, she had clients tell her that she should be a coach. Eventually, she signed up for a virtual program, planning to use it for her consulting business, but during one session, the lightbulb went off. “Oh,” she thought, “this is what I’m supposed to be doing.” Now, it’s Christine’s goal to help everyone she can and end domestic violence.

Finding the SASSI Sisterhood

“SASSI” stands for “Strong, Assertive, Sexy, Smart, Independent.” Christine chose this to represent women as more than just “strong and independent,” as the phrase often goes. Through her programs and podcasts, she’s helped an innumerable amount of women by spreading the love and the word.

Part of that mission is attacking the stigma of women who are abused and the judgments they face when coming out with the truth. The key is communication: you have to tell someone. If not a family member or close friend, Christine recommends a church—any church—a police station, a school counselor, or a hotline. Just as those suffering abuse need to talk—those who they confide in need to listen.

Listen in to learn more about the SASSI Program’s ‘Seven Steps to SASSI,’ Christine’s eye-opening experience with her guides, and her future plans as an abuse advocate.

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Today I’m taking the time for a solo episode to talk about a few topics that have come to mind as I approach 40-years-old. A few conversations with friends and online interactions have brought inspiration for this episode of talking about how childhood trauma follows a person all the way into their adulthood behaviors.

Reflecting and Reminiscing

As I approach my birthday, I’ve been reminiscing and reflecting on the last and the next 40 years. I recently made a post on Facebook on the signs of high-functioning anxiety. On the outside, a person may appear as hard-working, organized, and someone who can work well under pressure—but beneath the surface, they may be overwhelmed, burnt out, and set unrealistic expectations.

All of this resonated with me greatly. To a stranger, my need to be busy might make me look like a hard worker rather than someone who doesn’t like to sit alone with their thoughts. The age-old adage, “You never know what someone else is going through,” still rings through, especially through the lens of social media.

Acknowledging Trauma-Based Behaviors

I recently did a poll asking, “What are some things you don’t realize you’re doing because of childhood trauma?” I found myself resonating with many of the answers and thought it would be helpful to share some of the responses. Childhood trauma can manifest in strange ways, such as attention-seeking behavior or a fight-or-flight mindset.

I, for one, find myself wanting to be recognized and heard. I often catch myself being too much of a people-pleaser or striving for perfection in order to be acknowledged. These were things I learned because of trauma, but there are ways to turn these behaviors into strengths. For example, since I work in hospitality, that people-pleasing thoughtfulness actually has positive impacts on my career. Recognizing trauma-related behaviors is the first step to healing the inner child.

Learning to Be Vulnerable

Having done this soul-searching leading up to my birthday, I think it’s important to say that it is okay to be vulnerable and share your struggles with others. You’re not alone in your suffering, and everyone—myself included—needs to know that it’s okay to have things that still need to be healed. Being a bit more honest with your struggles can, I think, lead to better conversation surrounding childhood trauma across the board.

Listen in to hear more on dealing with the repercussions of trauma as an adult and other ways childhood trauma manifests as unconscious behaviors.

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Today I’m talking with Nathan Osmond, keynote speaker, actor, entertainer as well as humanitarian. He’s had 4 consecutive hit country singles, won the John C. Maxwell Leadership Award 2 years in a row, and been the recipient of Honorary Command Sergeant Major. He uses his music and platform to recognize non-profits and to make a difference. Nathan is here to speak loud about being your own friend in the mirror through self-talk and resilience.

Nathan has had his struggles with self-talk and self-image. Not long after returning from his mission abroad, he was cast in the leading role in ‘You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown.’ He made extensive efforts to get into character but realized he may have internalized too much when he noticed self-esteem issues out of character. He had a heaviness that he couldn’t explain.

Nathan knew he had to be still and figure out what was going on with him, so he went to the temple where his parents were married to think and pray. Sitting in his car, he swears he heard a voice ask, “Why don’t you love yourself the way that I love you?” as if someone was in the passenger seat. Nathan decided then that he would love himself, be his own friend in the mirror, and stop taking himself so seriously.

When Nathan was a child, he was shy in the spotlight while the rest of his family was comfortable. After a nerve-wracking talk show appearance, his father told him that people wanted to hear what he had to say. Sometimes, Nathan recounts, you have to believe in someone else’s belief in you. He later went on to do more and more talk shows and eventually become a motivational speaker and podcaster.

During the pandemic, Nathan was affected by the change and uncertainty and started experiencing episodes of panic and worry. He even visited the hospital to see what was wrong. Eventually, he called his uncle, Donny Osmond, to tell him what was happening, who just laughed and said, “Welcome to the club.” Talking with his uncle, Nathan learned something: to stop seeing things as black-and-white and to live in the gray and let those feelings go. Own your moment.

To Nathan, there’s nothing that says, “This is how life has to be.” He’s found that he helps himself by helping others and listening to his own advice. “You’re speaking because you know what you need to hear,” he says. He wants to leave his mark on this world, whether it’s through music, speaking, or just being a father and husband. Sometimes you just need to ‘take a bit,’ as actors say, and pause to breathe before stepping into the spotlight.

Nathan knows that we’re all human with unique challenges, and hopes that listeners find value in what he’s shared, whether that’s loving themselves more, learning to laugh at themselves, or finding peace and joy in the journey. He encourages everyone to be their own friend in the mirror, and to ask, ‘What are you saying to yourself?’ and ‘Would you say it to someone else?’

Listen in to hear Nathan’s thoughts on seeing messages from a higher power, finding identity in who we are rather than what we do, and books he’s discovered in his journey with self-image.

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Today I’m talking with Chana Mason, who coaches her clients in clarifying vision, shifting beliefs, and manifesting their dreams. Chana’s work turns complex ideas into easy, accessible tools for transformation. She’s an author, life coach, and businesswoman who challenges her students to question the beliefs that keep them locked in trauma.

Chana was born in Bogota, Colombia. As a young child, she was unaware of just how dangerous a place it was, until--at 5 years old--multiple men broke into her house, held her mother at gunpoint, and threatened to kidnap her and her sisters. Within 48 hours, her family had fled to Miami, Florida, where Chana would grow up.

What Chana didn’t realize was just how much trauma had been inflicted on her and her family. Chana’s trauma manifested in nightmares, hallucinations, and eventually anxiety and depression in her later years. It wasn’t until her 30s that she started to see a change, after years of therapy missing the mark. Chana moved to Israel to connect with her religion, but soon discovered the emotional baggage flying with her: “I’m not enough, God doesn’t love me enough.” She had to unlearn these beliefs, first.

Chana discovered the power of inquiry from a friend. Byron Katie’s book, “Loving What Is”, got passed from hand-to-hand of Chana’s friends, and soon they had a tight-knit, therapeutic circle of women who met weekly to apply the lessons they learned. This was the beginning of Chana’s coaching training--with her friends--and the beginning of a much happier life.

To inquire is to ask questions, and inquiry is asking questions that make you think about your thinking. Chana says that we think so much we often don’t stop to consider our thoughts, and come to believe we are our thoughts. The faculty of thought, in Chana’s words, is meant to process things strategically, to be used rather than to use us. Inquiry allows us to uncover our underlying beliefs and question them.

Chana’s technique of inquiry works by challenging clients’ thoughts with their opposite: rather than, ‘They should love me,’ for example, Chana suggests, ‘I should love me.’ This gives clients autonomy, as well as the ability to vocalize their needs. She teaches clients to replace belief with better beliefs, and in turn, get out of their own way.

Chana explains that we have no control over others, or the world, and imposing our own beliefs on how things should be is fighting a losing battle. It’s a skill of accepting reality, in a way that allows students to unfreeze and meet life with curiosity and enjoyment, rather than with beliefs that underserve them and perpetuate their trauma.

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