What Is Pegging? with Ruby Ryder

05/26/22 • 35 min

Ruby Ryder is a sex educator and sex worker based in California... with a special interest in pegging! It’s fair to say that Ruby is an aficionado and an absolute expert in pegging. And she has dedicated herself to teaching people about it for the last 12 years. Her journey began when she started a blog called peggingparadise.com which shared lessons that Ruby learned from her personal experiences of pegging. But two years in she realised that her inclusion of BDSM in the blogs was scaring some people away. The pegging paradise site was filled with excellent information about pegging, but as Ruby identifies as a dominant sensual sadist, it also featured stories about tying men up, impact play and other BDSM practices. Ruby wanted to spread the word about pegging to everyone who might be interested, so she began a new website called pegging 101 which shared pegging informational articles – with no kink attached. It has become incredibly popular over the years as curiosity about pegging continues to grow. I was so excited to have an opportunity to chat with Ruby about pegging... and decided to start with the basics. What I learned in this interview changed my perspective on pegging forever. What is Pegging? Ruby explained that the word “pegging” came into existence in 2001 in Dan Savage’s column, Savage Love in The Stranger. Somebody wrote in and asked for a word to differentiate between lesbians and heterosexual people having strap-on sex. People offered suggestions and pegging won. Ruby met the person who had suggested pegging by chance on a Reddit forum and interviewed him on her podcast. It’s an unusual word, with no obvious connection between the word and the activity, but it stuck. It was originally a gendered term which meant a woman using a strap-on and penetrating a man anally. But over time, with the gender binaries evolving Ruby prefers to describe pegging as anal penetration using a strap-on dildo, with prostate owners as receivers and vagina owners as givers. The receiver has or a had prostate and the giver has a vagina and a strap-on. This definition gives respect to all parties regardless of their genders. What are the common misconceptions about pegging? Ruby took a deep breath before explaining all of the many misconceptions, fears, concerns, and assumptions around this sexual activity. When a couple decides they would like to explore pegging, it is typically the receiver who discovers that there is pleasure to be had with anal stimulation. The prostate can provide the same amount of pleasure as the g spot. That’s what drives receivers to explore pegging – but they are reluctant to share this desire. Ruby explained that this is because of the connotation of receptive male anal play and sexual orientation. She laughed as she said, “asses don’t have sexual orientation!” It makes sense, but there’s no denying that this misconception is prevalent. I want to explore pegging. But isn’t that gay? It’s very hard to unpack this connection. A study of the sexual activities of gay men, conducted by George Mason University found that only 36% engage in receptive anal intercourse. A lot of people believe it’s more common than it is. Yet, when the receiver desires anal stimulation, questions about their sexual orientation almost always come up... from the receiver themselves and also the giver. “Oh, I am a man who feels pleasure in my ass, what does that mean about me?” Ruby says it just means you are a man who feels pleasure in your ass! And, she reminds us that there’s no magic button in the butt that makes receivers suddenly crave the same gender! Sometimes a man may be bicurious, and in this world, it can be easier to hide that fact. So, can pegging bring that desire out into the open? Possibly. But it doesn’t mean that pegging will enhance t --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/save-that-spark/message

Previous Episode

How can I have mindful sex?

That’s the question I posed to Portia Brown, Mindful Sex Coach, formally Froetic Sexology. Portia is the living embodiment of her work and she has a way of making you feel immediately at ease. A knowing smile crept onto her lips, as she prepared to speak from a warm pool of Brooklyn sunshine, surrounded by her signature cherry curls. Portia’s sexual healing journey began in college, about 6 years ago, and she has been sharing her pleasure lessons on social media ever since. But things amplified in 2020, a year we all remember, when the world turned upside down. For Portia, the pandemic meant challenges with work when she lost her job and needed to start a new career. She found herself locked down with her boyfriend – and that brought its own difficulties. Portia knew that she needed something to support her mental health and nervous system because she didn’t feel completely present. There was that nagging feeling that something was missing – throughout daily life, and also during sex with her partner and herself. You might recognise that feeling. That you’re not fully alive. Sleepwalking somehow. I know I’ve been there too. Can Meditation Really Help? By chance, Portia stumbled upon some posts that a close friend had begun to share on Instagram. Simple daily mini-meditations. And without really thinking about it, Portia started to follow along every day for two minutes every time she came across the content. Little by little, she noticed small improvements. And over a few weeks, Portia started to feel a little more present. She was slowing down. Looking back, she can see that her nervous system was starting to regulate. It felt so good, that Portia fully turned her attention to mindfulness. She sought out more techniques, practised for longer durations, tried different types of meditation and added breathwork. As her understanding evolved, Portia began to integrate mindfulness into her pleasure practice – that’s when things really began to change. Portia discovered that over time practising meditation helped her to become more present in bed. It reduced distraction, quietened her busy brain – and reduced spectatoring. That’s when you kind of feel like you’re outside of your body, watching yourself get jiggy. Has that ever happened to you? Through mindfulness, we can strengthen our mental muscles – which helps us come back to the present moment and hang out there for a while... without needing to tune out. Portia describes mindfulness as “the art of focusing on one task at a time without any judgement.” This simple philosophy has helped her to show up fully in life, and reap the benefits in bed – and her clients are enjoying the same results!! The shift may seem subtle – but it makes a world of difference. Instead of worrying if you’re doing sex right, you can actually lean in and enjoy it! Now that sounds good, right? Where to Begin There are many ways to bring mindfulness into the bedroom – and Portia encourages us to practice in small ways before, during and after sex. There’s no wrong way to do 'mindful sex'. Outside of the Bedroom Listen to calming sounds and guided meditationsTry mindful movement – simply let your body move without judgementIntegrate more of your senses into your day – this will help you to experience the richness of each moment Mindful Self-Pleasure Don’t just rush to grab the vibrator – instead, slooooow downLight a candle, or some incenseTap into your sense of sound with a sexy playlistDon’t overlook your sense of touch – choose sheets that are crisp and clean, or give yourself a loving massage with some lotion before getting intimateAllow your body to come online before touching your genitalsGive yourself time and space to become erotically awakened be --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/save-that-spark/message

Next Episode

What is Sensual Movement? with Anjua Maximo

You know when someone walks into a room and everybody seems to notice? It’s like the energy changed as soon as they arrived. What is it about those people? I’ve always wondered... how can we all get some of that je ne sais quoi! Well, that’s exactly what Anjua Maximo wants for us. She teaches women about sensual movement! She shows them how to access erotic, creative, juicy energy. The kind that makes us feel alive, helps to heal body image and boosts confidence too. How? All through the power of Sensual Movement! Anjua Maximo is a Life and Sensual Movement Coach for women who commands the screen when I watch her move on TikTok – and having her in my Zoom room was no different! Such relaxed, natural confidence. She truly practices what she preaches. Anjua’s been doing this work for 16 years and still thrives from seeing the way it empowers the women she teaches. How can you start with Sensual Movement? It can be as simple as putting on one song and letting yourself move at any time of day. Just crank up some hip-shaking music while you’re cooking – you can even get the kids involved! It’s all energy being exchanged and moved – and it can feel so good. For the whole family. Even if you have one of these excuses up your sleeve... I’ve got no time for sensual movementI feel awkward or think you can’t danceI’m totally embarrassed to show your loverIn this episode, Anjua shoots down all of these excuses one by one. In this episode Anjua shares how to begin with Sensual Dance, why it’s so beneficial and some juicy tips for bringing these principles into the bedroom! Keep reading to learn more! Why is Sensual Movement the cornerstone of your work? Anjua smiled before answering in a matter-of-fact way, “We are energy... We have energy within our bodies, and energy stores can become blocked within our bodies for numerous reasons. We don’t often make the connection between what we’re experiencing in life, and what we’re experiencing in our bodies. Sensual Movement can help us to make that connection.” There it was in a nutshell! Anjua explained that the way she teaches sensual movement slows her clients riiiiiggggghhhhht down so that they can feel the energy in their bodies. Through sensual dance, we can learn to feel where the energy is stuck, flowing, and buzzing. And we can play with it! You slow down and consciously feel into every part of your body – in such a way that is 100% FOR YOU. There is no expectation of the movement. And absolutely no performance aspect. The process of slowing down and moving is the practice. And this invites freedom. Doesn’t that sound good? But you know me, I’m a realist. I want this kind of freedom, and I know you do too! But how on earth can a busy woman, with so many people and things eating up her day find any time for sensual movement? What if you've got no time for sensual movement? I asked Anjua, is it realistic for us to ‘slow down and feel’ when we are SO BUSY? Anjua smiled again, totally unperturbed. Surely she’s heard every excuse in the book when it comes to not having time. “Maybe you won’t be able to drop down and have an hour of movement, but you can make a playlist of your favourite tunes and tune in for 1 song, 2 songs, 3 songs...” I had to admit, 1 song seems achievable, right? “Sensual Movement can even be as small as running your hands down your body.” Our hands have tremendous healing power within them. Think about the way we place them on others – our lovers, children, or best friends. With our hands we wipe away tears, calm others, make them feel wanted, seen, desired, encouraged, supported, soothed... But we don’t tend to do this for ourselves. It can be as simple as placing one hand below your belly button and moving your hips as you breathe. You can --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/save-that-spark/message