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ON BOYS Podcast - Middle School: Misunderstood or Magic?

Middle School: Misunderstood or Magic?

02/09/24 • 45 min

ON BOYS Podcast

Is middle school misunderstood — or magic?

For most of us — and many of our kids — middle school is a pretty miserable time. But that’s largely because most educators and parents misunderstand middle schoolers & these critical years.

“This is a very pervasive story, that middle school is terrible. But it doesn’t have to be. We make it terrible by working directly against the developmental needs of middle schoolers and designing these buildings and classes in way that make their lives really hard,” says veteran educator Chris Balme, author of Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years.

Middle Schoolers Have Unique Developmental Needs

There are two time periods in our lives when the brain is growing the fastest: the early childhood years (approximately ages 0-5) and early adolescence (approximately ages 11-16). In early adolescence, “the brain reforms itself as a social brain,” Chris says. That’s why middle schoolers are so acutely attuned to their peers (and seem more interested in social situations than academics).

Middle schoolers progress through predictable developmental stages:

  • Belonging. A middle schooler “needs to feel as if there’s one group, or at least one person, that they feel safe with, who wants them to be here and is consistent,” Chris says. If they don’t have that sense of belonging, they can’t show up to their full potential.
  • Achievement. During this stage, kids “try to show what they’ve got,” Chris says. They want to show that they can do things of value. Note: Kids can only move into achievement once they feel a solid sense of belonging.
  • Authenticity. This stage involves figuring out what they really like (& don’t like.). Kids eventually learn to express more of their authentic self in their daily lives.
Helping Boys Thrive Despite Less-Than-Ideal Middle Schools

“If a school doesn’t give at least a third of the day for social and movement time, it is holding our kids back developmentally,” Chris says.

Of course, many of our boys attend middle schools that don’t prioritize movement and socialization. So, it’s on parents to help them thrive. One way we can do this, Chris says, is to be weird. Middle schoolers can (& should) see their parents pursue hobbies and interests — and see us resolve conflicts and cope with challenges.

If your son is getting into trouble at a school that doens’t respect his needs for movement, socialization, belonging, and achievement, your number one priority should be to “not make it worse,” Chris says. “School has made this child’s life harder than it needs to be.” Instead, work with your child to understand what’s beneath his behavior. Help him figure out other ways to meet his needs.

We can stress a little bit less about academics in middle school,” Chris says. “If we actually help someone finish middle school feeling like they have some sense of who they are authentically, and they’re confident and skillful enough to put that out in the social world, and they’ve got some friendships based on their authentic sense of self, that is such a win.

“That is really what I think the goal posts should be for middle school.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:
  • Why modern middle school is a miserable experience for many middle schoolers & their families
  • Developmental needs of middle schoolers
  • “Twinning” — when tweens copy others’ look or behavior
  • How parents & educators can help tweens & teens work toward belonging, achievement, & authenticity
  • Why you should STRESS LESS ABOUT ACADEMICS
  • Giving middle schoolers more responsibility
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years, by Chris Balme

chrisbalme.com — Chris’s website

Growing Wiser — Chris’s Substack newsletter

What Middle School Boys Need — ON BOYS episode

Braden Bell Explains Middle School Boys — ON BOYS episode

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Is middle school misunderstood — or magic?

For most of us — and many of our kids — middle school is a pretty miserable time. But that’s largely because most educators and parents misunderstand middle schoolers & these critical years.

“This is a very pervasive story, that middle school is terrible. But it doesn’t have to be. We make it terrible by working directly against the developmental needs of middle schoolers and designing these buildings and classes in way that make their lives really hard,” says veteran educator Chris Balme, author of Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years.

Middle Schoolers Have Unique Developmental Needs

There are two time periods in our lives when the brain is growing the fastest: the early childhood years (approximately ages 0-5) and early adolescence (approximately ages 11-16). In early adolescence, “the brain reforms itself as a social brain,” Chris says. That’s why middle schoolers are so acutely attuned to their peers (and seem more interested in social situations than academics).

Middle schoolers progress through predictable developmental stages:

  • Belonging. A middle schooler “needs to feel as if there’s one group, or at least one person, that they feel safe with, who wants them to be here and is consistent,” Chris says. If they don’t have that sense of belonging, they can’t show up to their full potential.
  • Achievement. During this stage, kids “try to show what they’ve got,” Chris says. They want to show that they can do things of value. Note: Kids can only move into achievement once they feel a solid sense of belonging.
  • Authenticity. This stage involves figuring out what they really like (& don’t like.). Kids eventually learn to express more of their authentic self in their daily lives.
Helping Boys Thrive Despite Less-Than-Ideal Middle Schools

“If a school doesn’t give at least a third of the day for social and movement time, it is holding our kids back developmentally,” Chris says.

Of course, many of our boys attend middle schools that don’t prioritize movement and socialization. So, it’s on parents to help them thrive. One way we can do this, Chris says, is to be weird. Middle schoolers can (& should) see their parents pursue hobbies and interests — and see us resolve conflicts and cope with challenges.

If your son is getting into trouble at a school that doens’t respect his needs for movement, socialization, belonging, and achievement, your number one priority should be to “not make it worse,” Chris says. “School has made this child’s life harder than it needs to be.” Instead, work with your child to understand what’s beneath his behavior. Help him figure out other ways to meet his needs.

We can stress a little bit less about academics in middle school,” Chris says. “If we actually help someone finish middle school feeling like they have some sense of who they are authentically, and they’re confident and skillful enough to put that out in the social world, and they’ve got some friendships based on their authentic sense of self, that is such a win.

“That is really what I think the goal posts should be for middle school.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:
  • Why modern middle school is a miserable experience for many middle schoolers & their families
  • Developmental needs of middle schoolers
  • “Twinning” — when tweens copy others’ look or behavior
  • How parents & educators can help tweens & teens work toward belonging, achievement, & authenticity
  • Why you should STRESS LESS ABOUT ACADEMICS
  • Giving middle schoolers more responsibility
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years, by Chris Balme

chrisbalme.com — Chris’s website

Growing Wiser — Chris’s Substack newsletter

What Middle School Boys Need — ON BOYS episode

Braden Bell Explains Middle School Boys — ON BOYS episode

Previous Episode

undefined - Needed: Boy-Friendly Schools

Needed: Boy-Friendly Schools

Most schools today aren’t boy-friendly.

That’s one (big!) reason why boys lag behind girls academically. And why so many boys hate going to school.

Tyler, a 16-year-old Texas boy, started struggling in middle school. Recess was no more. Classes were 90 minutes long. So, “he found it really hard to sit still in class,” says Julie Jargon, the Wall Street Journal Family & Tech columnist who interviewed Tyler for her series on boys and education. Now a high school student, Tyler suggests that “instead of making guys change the way they behave, maybe schools should change the way they’re structured.”

Boy-friendly education practices

Movement helps humans remain alert and engaged. Simply shifting activities every 15 minutes or so can boost boys’ (and girls’) performance in the classroom. Time outside is helpful as well. Visual cues can help keep boys on track too. Boy-friendly schools also prioritize hands-on learning.

“A lot of these things that are beneficial for boys are the same for girls. It’s not that girls need something vastly different,” Julie says. “The things that benefit boys also benefit girls. You can adopt boy-friendly practices in your school without being unfriendly to girls.”

All students benefit from time to reflect on — and correct — academic, social, and behavioral mistakes. One of the all-boys schools Julie wrote about uses a restorative justice approach, she says.

“Instead of just punishing them, they give boys an opportunity to talk about it and apologize,” Julie says. That approach helps boys hone their emotional intelligence and communication skills.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Julie discuss:
  • Why so many boys struggle in middle school
  • How misunderstanding male development contributes to boys’ problems in school
  • Workarounds parents use to help boys
  • Boy-friendly education practices
  • Pushing back against developmentally inappropriate expectations
  • Single-sex vs coed schools & classes
  • Support for parents of boys
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boys are Struggling. It Can Take Coaches, Tutors, and Thousands a Month to Fix ThatWSJ article by Julie

Inside the Schools Where Boys Can Be BoysWSJ article by Julie

Losing a Grandparent Hurts Boys at SchoolScientific American article

Set Boys Up for School Success — ON BOYS episode

Boys in School Task Force –– ON BOYS episode

The Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episode

Boy Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette

Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

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Next Episode

undefined - Jaclyn Greenberg on Parenting a Disabled Son

Jaclyn Greenberg on Parenting a Disabled Son

Jaclyn Greenberg often feels like she’s living a divided life.

When her daughter was born, there was music and laughter in the birthing room. When her disabled son was born, there was no music. No laughter. In fact, everyone swept out of the room soon after the baby’s birth, taking him with them. Jacyln hadn’t even had a chance to say hello.

Raising a disabled son alongside two typically-developing children (her daughter and youngest son) presents unique challenges and opportunities.

“I’ve learned, from my son, how to advocate for and speak up for my son, and it’s taught me how to do that for myself and other people in my family,” says Jaclyn, a writer who’s working on a memoir that’s tentatively titled Keeping Us Together. “There’s something about having children that makes you brave in a way you haven’t been before.”

Advocating for inclusion

Henry, Jacyln’s disabled son, will likely never walk or talk. The world at large isn’t very accessible to those who don’t walk and talk (or see, hear, speak, sense, and act like most others), so it’s difficult for Jacklyn’s family to do things together.

“I don’t want my husband to take my son and I take the other two. I don’t want us to have to divide and conquer,” she says. “I want us to experience life together.”

Henry’s siblings have long found ways to include him. “They will go to people’s houses on Halloween and say, ‘My brother can’t come up here because you have stairs. Could you please come downstairs?'” Jacyln says.

Others aren’t always accommodating, and too many people don’t make an effort to include people with disabilities. Some people even instruct their young kids to “look away” when they see a person with disabilities. These parents may believe they’re teaching their children not to stare at people who look or act differently, but it’s better, Jacyln says, to model curiosity and kindness.

“To me, the worst thing someone can say is, ‘don’t stare; look away,’ because they’re teaching a child to ignore somebody who looks different rather than to learn about them and engage with them,” she says. “It’s okay to stumble. It’s okay to say the wrong thing. Ask what’s the right thing. Ask ‘how can I include you?'”

In this episode, Janet & Jaclyn discuss:
  • Parenting typically-developing & disabled children
  • Inclusion & accessibility
  • Managing mom guilt
  • Pulling together a team of specialists
  • Advocating for your disabled child
  • Resources for parents of disabled boys
  • Asking for (& receiving) help
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

jaclyngreenbergwriter.com – Jaclyn’s website

What My Children’s Relationship Taught Me About Accessibility & InclusionScaryMommy article by Jaclyn

How an Adaptive Game Controller Helps My Family BondWired article by Jaclyn

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom Linens

Grown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands
Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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