How to Deal with Your Racist Family + Friends
06/22/20 • 14 min
1 Listener
How to deal with your racist family and friends
I was asked by a good friend to do a podcast episode on the topic of how not to get triggered by our racist friends and family. We can all agree that we are a very divided country – we’ve been for a long time. And it doesn’t help that many people cling so tightly to their beliefs, don’t take responsibility and blame others which create a bigger chasm between us.
You may think of me as a calm yoga teacher, but I’m a very sensitive and emotional person. I cry a lot and can fly off the handle easily, especially when I deal with people I deem ignorant or mean.
I think that’s why discussing politics, religion, race, sex or anything that is highly emotionally charged can be so confrontational, causing feuds at family gatherings.
Right now, we are going through some major historical events:
this global pandemic: those who are worried about health and those who are worried about businesses,
racial protests and riots – those who support black lives and those who support macy’s.
the fight for the rights of LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer) people -- some may totally be on board with equality and others not so much.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but how do we NOT get triggered by those opinions that differ from ours?
I hate to break it to you, but you’ll never get rid of triggers, nor will you be able to stop the other person from triggering you.
Today on the podcast I’ll share with you 5 ways that help me deal with people who trigger the F out of me and see their different beliefs as portals to my own growth.
- Triggers are teachers.
In episode 80 I talk all about triggers. Triggers are all around us. We can’t avoid being activated by someone or something.
You know you’ve aligned with your ego when you feel inferior or superior to someone else. You’re stuck in comparison or judgement.
Rather than pointing the finger and being upset with that person, what are you learning about yourself and about them?
Our relationships are direct portals to our wounds,
and
awareness of our triggers can be portals to our growth.
If we can view our triggers as our greatest teachers, we can then heal our inner world to affect our outer world.
Ironically, we are most often highly triggered by those we care about or are closest to.
The challenging work is to watch and witness your thoughts. Most of our thoughts are recycled from our conditioned thinking.
We are triggered when the reality is not how we think it should be.
When I feel resentment, offended, hurt, or any kind of hot emotion, it’s an opportunity to turn inward, not lash outward.
Sit with the sensation so that the boiling emotion comes to a simmer.
Trying to avoid the sensation just creates more suffering.
In fact, reality has no emotional charge. The present moment is what it is.
An event.
A feeling.
Some words.
An action.
It’s us humans that create the emotional charge behind reality. Something about that thing activates something within.
Taking responsibility for how you show up and changing your beliefs by watching your thought patterns lead to freedom.
Anything that causes you to be in an emotional state is your spiritual teacher.
Invite them in.
- Detach from the outcome:
How do you detach from the outcome when you’re triggered, hurt and outraged at a friend’s beliefs and actions? It’s hard.
This is the work, my friend.
Detaching doesn’t mean you avoid the conversation or become numb or check out.
One of my favorite quotes is “When you’re upset, don’t eat.” Wait. No. That’s for another episode.
My favorite quote by Bryron Katie that I live by, especially when I’m triggered is, "There's your business, Other people's business and God's Business"
Most of the time I’m in someone else’s business that’s out of my control.
We spend too much energy replaying someone else’s actions and trying to influence someone else’s life, when in reality it’s their life and their choice of how they want to show up. We have no control over them.
Detach from the idea of converting anyone. You will never change anyone by forcing your own opinion and criticisms on them.
These battles about race, politics, humanity, and equality or any other disagreement are like a game of tug-of-war, where our Egos hold so tightly to what we believe to be true.
The more you pull and think you’re right, the harder the other person pulls to prove their right.
But...If you let go, you win.
The Ego wants to be right. Our heart wants to be understood.
- Intentionally listening
How to deal with your racist family and friends
I was asked by a good friend to do a podcast episode on the topic of how not to get triggered by our racist friends and family. We can all agree that we are a very divided country – we’ve been for a long time. And it doesn’t help that many people cling so tightly to their beliefs, don’t take responsibility and blame others which create a bigger chasm between us.
You may think of me as a calm yoga teacher, but I’m a very sensitive and emotional person. I cry a lot and can fly off the handle easily, especially when I deal with people I deem ignorant or mean.
I think that’s why discussing politics, religion, race, sex or anything that is highly emotionally charged can be so confrontational, causing feuds at family gatherings.
Right now, we are going through some major historical events:
this global pandemic: those who are worried about health and those who are worried about businesses,
racial protests and riots – those who support black lives and those who support macy’s.
the fight for the rights of LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer) people -- some may totally be on board with equality and others not so much.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but how do we NOT get triggered by those opinions that differ from ours?
I hate to break it to you, but you’ll never get rid of triggers, nor will you be able to stop the other person from triggering you.
Today on the podcast I’ll share with you 5 ways that help me deal with people who trigger the F out of me and see their different beliefs as portals to my own growth.
- Triggers are teachers.
In episode 80 I talk all about triggers. Triggers are all around us. We can’t avoid being activated by someone or something.
You know you’ve aligned with your ego when you feel inferior or superior to someone else. You’re stuck in comparison or judgement.
Rather than pointing the finger and being upset with that person, what are you learning about yourself and about them?
Our relationships are direct portals to our wounds,
and
awareness of our triggers can be portals to our growth.
If we can view our triggers as our greatest teachers, we can then heal our inner world to affect our outer world.
Ironically, we are most often highly triggered by those we care about or are closest to.
The challenging work is to watch and witness your thoughts. Most of our thoughts are recycled from our conditioned thinking.
We are triggered when the reality is not how we think it should be.
When I feel resentment, offended, hurt, or any kind of hot emotion, it’s an opportunity to turn inward, not lash outward.
Sit with the sensation so that the boiling emotion comes to a simmer.
Trying to avoid the sensation just creates more suffering.
In fact, reality has no emotional charge. The present moment is what it is.
An event.
A feeling.
Some words.
An action.
It’s us humans that create the emotional charge behind reality. Something about that thing activates something within.
Taking responsibility for how you show up and changing your beliefs by watching your thought patterns lead to freedom.
Anything that causes you to be in an emotional state is your spiritual teacher.
Invite them in.
- Detach from the outcome:
How do you detach from the outcome when you’re triggered, hurt and outraged at a friend’s beliefs and actions? It’s hard.
This is the work, my friend.
Detaching doesn’t mean you avoid the conversation or become numb or check out.
One of my favorite quotes is “When you’re upset, don’t eat.” Wait. No. That’s for another episode.
My favorite quote by Bryron Katie that I live by, especially when I’m triggered is, "There's your business, Other people's business and God's Business"
Most of the time I’m in someone else’s business that’s out of my control.
We spend too much energy replaying someone else’s actions and trying to influence someone else’s life, when in reality it’s their life and their choice of how they want to show up. We have no control over them.
Detach from the idea of converting anyone. You will never change anyone by forcing your own opinion and criticisms on them.
These battles about race, politics, humanity, and equality or any other disagreement are like a game of tug-of-war, where our Egos hold so tightly to what we believe to be true.
The more you pull and think you’re right, the harder the other person pulls to prove their right.
But...If you let go, you win.
The Ego wants to be right. Our heart wants to be understood.
- Intentionally listening
Previous Episode
Healing Birth Trauma with Andrea Wetterau
I thought this was perfect timing to have Andrea on the show because we are all experiencing collective trauma with this pandemic, which can trigger past feelings and experiences of loss and grief.
Andrea Wetterau is a licensed therapist and certified yoga teacher in Seattle, WA, specializing in treating eating disorders, trauma, and perinatal mental health.
On the podcast today, she shares her traumatic birth story and postpartum where she thought she would die from 3 different times of hemorrhaging.
Andrea explains Trauma does not just have to be something big, like a death, or having an illness or experiencing a disaster.
Trauma is anything that creates a negative response in your body and mind. It happens when we feel we don’t have control or agency in our lives.
Andrea shares that trauma is like a linen closet. Each piece of beautifully folded linen represents a memory. When you experience trauma, you ball up that piece of linen and shove it in the closet, but every time you open it, it falls on you. Using EMDR therapy, you basically take out that wadded linen/your trauma memory, open it, let it breathe and then fold it so it fits back into your closet. Trauma doesn’t go away, but can be processed and healed.
Through EMDR therapy, awareness and giving yourself a ton of compassion, you too can heal. I hope you find a bit of comfort in today’s podcast.
Please let me know in the show notes, and as always thank you for sharing with anyone who could benefit and reviewing this podcast.
You can connect with Andrea at https://www.wetterauwellness.com
Next Episode
How to Stop Self-Sabotage
EP 91 Stop sabotaging yourself
It's hard to change, especially when that habit or belief system has been ingrained in you for years, decades, or a lifetime.
Today’s mantra Monday and intention for this week is to bring awareness to your habits to stop self-sabotage.
Only you know how you’re sabotaging yourself. It could be second guessing yourself, questioning your actions or skills, not believing in your abilities, comparing yourself to others, doing things you know you shouldn’t do, or doing things you know you should do.
Self-sabotage is knowing what you want and how to get there, but doing the opposite, undermining the thing you desire.
Personally, for example:
I know that Yoga is good for me, but I don't do it. During quarantine I've done yoga three times in three months, which is crazy, because I always complain how I don’t have enough time to get to the teachers I love. And now, all the teachers around the world who I love are accessible online.
I also know that eating healthy will get me to how I want to feel in my body - healthier, fitter, stronger, more confident, but more often than not fat kid Freddy takes over and sabotages my eating habits.
The biggest self-sabotage that I’m currently experiencing is in my business. I want to create a business and brand that is successful and meaningful, and I know that consistency of content is key to building that. But I sabotage this dream by finding other things to do instead of what I need to do, and I’m also very critical of myself, which causes doubt, fog and inertia. Perfectionism stops me from creating. And then, I feel like a failure for not creating. It’s a bad cycle.
I'm not sure why we sabotage the very thing or feeling we desire.
A few things I'm learning as a parent is that a child will subconsciously reenact their bad behavior as a cry for help to heal old wounds and patterns that are out of their control. For example, a toddler may hit because she doesn’t have the emotional intelligence or maturity to stop herself or express her big emotions of fear, overwhelm or stimulation in a healthy way. Or maybe she’s had a negative experience with a caregiver, so she will recreate that bad behavior reenacting it with that person as a call for help to heal her emotion and that pattern, asking that person to step in and stop her, because she can’t stop herself. Once it’s done in a healthy and loving way, usually that negative pattern is broken.
Similarly our emotional brain is used to patterns so we reenact negative behaviors because they are comfortable as a subconscious cry for help.
Sometimes the known is easier and more comfortable than the unknown, even if that known is not what we want. So we easily revert back to ways that are easy and comfortable and sabotage what we desire. That path is well worn.
Unlike a child who doesn’t have the emotionally developed brain that can rationalize and make sense of her big emotions and behaviors, our brain can make sense of our actions and emotions, and through awareness, we can begin to understand ourselves deeply and consciously choose again.
Take a moment and think about one way you've been sabotaging yourself, your dreams, and how you want to feel. It could be anything - big or small.
Of course it’s easy for me to tell you, “hey, just stop being that way,” but for our emotional brain, it’s very hard to break our habits that are comfortable, even if we don't like these habits.
Change starts with awareness.
Commit this week to being more mindful of when your subconscious brain takes over and hijacks the very thing you desire.
In that moment, notice it, then label it and choose again. You have the power of choice.
Release any fears and habits that block you from receiving the love and support you desire.
I’m gonna do this with you, because I want to feel productive and in flow, but I sabotage my productivity by getting distracted, feeling uninspired, losing focus and being highly critical of myself. So, this week, I will notice when I feel overwhelmed, put pressure on myself to be perfect, and compare myself to others. Instead of doing what I normally do, which is going into the fridge to numb my emotions and distract me from the present moment, I will pause, notice, and label how I’m feeling and what I’m doing and choose again.
By bringing awareness to how I’m feeling, I can take care and honor myself. I may choose to take a break, nap, journal, move my body, or shift my mindset to be more compassionate so I can create without criticism.
You have the power of choice.
- Notice when you start to sabotage
- Label your emotions or actions to bring it into consciousness.
- Then choose again.
Be present in that moment, CHOOSE, then let go and move on to the next moment.
It’s not e...
If you like this episode you’ll love
Episode Comments
Generate a badge
Get a badge for your website that links back to this episode
<a href="https://goodpods.com/podcasts/mindful-pause-podcast-78342/how-to-deal-with-your-racist-family-friends-4171720"> <img src="https://storage.googleapis.com/goodpods-images-bucket/badges/generic-badge-1.svg" alt="listen to how to deal with your racist family + friends on goodpods" style="width: 225px" /> </a>
Copy