Me and We - #31 - Skill: Repair, Opening the Gift, Giving to Self

#31 - Skill: Repair, Opening the Gift, Giving to Self

02/17/25 • 51 min

We ARE going to get disorganized, we are going to get activated and "off the horse."

The single most important place to reach for in our important relationships, and especially with intimate partnerships, is REPAIR.

On the podcast today, Bonnie and Mallika talk about a skill that's doable for everybody, no matter how interested you are in relational growth or healing. It's a skill that's all about action, and how to manage our reaction.

The steps are: React, Remove, Regroup, Rehearse, Redo = Repair

And we explore the skill of "Redirect." Bonnie and Mallika talk about the ways that they didn't use to know how to use redirect full until they were only and had a more organized self that could wait/pause for the right time to repair.

Opening The Gift

Are you able to see, receive and OPEN the gifts that are coming your way?

Mallika shares about her process of recognizing the gifts coming from her husband and from her mom. And then realizing that she wasn't really at choice to open the gifts, but does feel herself able to open them more often now.

Bonnie actually receives a gift from Mallika live on the show.

And sometimes we need to step through the shame wall to be able to receive those gifts.

Bonnie shares about learning from her mom, who was Chinese, about pushing away complements and gifts, showing that we are socialized in some ways that don't serve us.

Giving To Self

Learning to give to ourselves and receive from ourselves comes when we have, or are committed to developing, an independent self.

At times, we wont be able to receive in a dependent way, from or with another. We really have to learn to do with for ourselves.

We are far more powerful if we are in touch with our dependent selves. When we lead with tapping into our dependent selves, and the dependent self of the other, we can have a greater influence.

Bonnie shares an example of her dependent self in relationship with her husband.

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Bonnie's book is available in paperback!
"Me And We: Finding Your Voice and Influencing Relational Interactions"
Send us your questions! Email them to [email protected]
Find out more about our work:
Bonnie's Website: bonniemacbride.com
Mallika's Website: rootedrelationships.com
Thank you to Jessica Carson Chen for the music for the show.
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Thank you to Positron Productions for producing and editing the show.

We ARE going to get disorganized, we are going to get activated and "off the horse."

The single most important place to reach for in our important relationships, and especially with intimate partnerships, is REPAIR.

The steps are: React, Remove, Regroup, Rehearse, Redo = Repair

Opening The Gift

Are you able to see, receive and OPEN the gifts that are coming your way?

Bonnie actually receives a gift from Mallika live on the show.

And sometimes we need to step through the shame wall to be able to receive those gifts.

Bonnie shares about learning from her mom, who was Chinese, about pushing away complements and gifts, showing that we are socialized in some ways that don't serve us.

Giving To Self

Learning to give to ourselves and receive from ourselves comes when we have, or are committed to developing, an independent self.

At times, we wont be able to receive in a dependent way, from or with another. We really have to learn to do with for ourselves.

We are far more powerful if we are in touch with our dependent selves. When we lead with tapping into our dependent selves, and the dependent self of the other, we can have a greater influence.

Bonnie shares an example of her dependent self in relationship with her husband.

Send us a text

Previous Episode

#30 - Building Block 8: Organizing Self

This episode, Bonnie and Mallika begin to look at the skills needed for building an Independent Self:

We can use the 3 Cs: Compassion (Empathy), Claiming, Curiosity

Putting on our warrior suit: Relentlessly coming back to things, Righteously fighting for integrity and our values, Ruthlessness as in not shying away because it's not ok for anyone to get hurt.

Mallika brings up the prompt to explore the difference between a pseudo independency (that's more of a guard or defense) and the choice place that is independent, holding onto ourselves.

Giving = Receiving: When we have access to our dependent self, and image the dependent self of the other person, we can listen and receive more effectively.

Holding on to self: A Self that is able to hold our dependent self. Sometimes, to stay self-organizing, we drop the we, we get just in our me and be self-absorbed, self-focused, selfish, etc. Sometimes we drop the me, and then have to find our way back.

Protests really give us an opportunity to develop our independent self.

To come in BB 9 - Trust in self leads to self-authority and claiming truth!

React, Remove, Regroup, Rehearse, Redo = Repair or Redirect

Wake up! to receive and OPEN the gift that is coming our way.

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Next Episode

#32 - Building Block 9: Claiming Truth and Self-Authority

Claiming something means we own it, even if it might not be true. The power in knowing "truth" helps us assert to ourselves internally (and possible to other's). We can develop a trust in ourselves when we have the ability to "claim truth," even if we are not in a position of authority. With the goal of less suffering, and getting back on the horse, it can be so helpful to develop trust and confidence in oneself to see the truth.

With this step, we really shift off "right" and "wrong" dynamic, to looking and listening for truth and skills . . . COMPARING. Sorting and comparing parts of ourselves or looking at differences between us with others. Claiming helps us not collapse into shame, but hold that ability to see the differences as useful.

who has what resources

who sees things differently than we do (and holding it as wisdom)

who's stuff/distortion is showing up - is this my shame/defenses or yours?

Mallika shares about her own comparing in her marriage. How she used to compare and suffer around the differences. Mallika made a shift, to claiming and self-authority. Mallika shares how she uses comparing now, her husbands skills and her own different skills, to lead their "we" to use all the skills and truth everyone brings to the table.

Bonnie shares the skills that she sees in her partner, and that she really may never catch up to his skill level in those areas. She claims a knowing within her marriage that allows her to experiment within that "we." She sees how their resources are difference, where their energy is and what needs they have.

Resources, Energy, Needs - When we pay attention to these key differences, we can compare and compete together. And we can see what we need to attend to? AKA seeing truth, claiming authority and getting common goals done.

Mallika shares here that her husband is good at seeing who's stuff belongs to who. Comparing without out shame. He is good at seeing who's got resources and energy. And she has learned from him and grown in her own ability in this department.

Bonnie points out how Mallika's husband might be tracking more of the independent self/needs and Mallika herself may be paying more attention to the dependent self/needs. Mallika may have more energy for listening for, and responding to, needs.

How do we own where we are while also working towards living our values?

How do we let go of the "right/wrong" and move towards seeing truth, claiming and look towards the future?

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